Unwritten "roommate" rule?

[BradyWolf]

That is to say, an unwritten rule that a masseur on a house-call should/must be explicitly informed if the client is not alone at home, even if the roommate is merely hanging out in a common area, and you'd pass him by along the way? And apparently said rule is so obvious and self-evident that anyone should know full well, without being told? At least, that's what the guy who came by a few short hours ago, then instantly left just a brief moment later, thought about the matter...

The thing to know about my current roommate, for background reference, is that he is extremely open-minded and non-judgmental about more pretty much all things "sex-related" in life; neither any thing I would have done with the masseur, up to and including "full service" elements, nor the fact of monetary exchange for such, would have been even remotely objectionable or at all remarkable to my roommate! When the guy arrived, my roomie was just sitting on the couch in the living room, relaxing and watching some stuff on his PC, and fully intended to pay no mind to the masseur and myself; we were free to walk out of the foyer, through the living room, right past my roommate, and onto my bedroom -- then enter my bedroom and shut the door, and enjoy our activities in privacy and solitude.

Yet the man walked inside my place, noticed my housemate more or less existing in a common area (and minding his own business), and instantly decided to nope out -- so quick and curt, not even willing to hear a word! 😕 Before I proceed, let me be clear that I fully respect his right to his personal "comfort zone" and prerogative to make decisions for himself, accordingly! However, what really "stuck in my craw" was his rather accusatory statement that I "should have" told him about the roommate being at home, as if I'd somehow done wrong or been negligent of whatever (perceived) duty he had presumed of me -- as opposed to, you know, treating as the blameless mismatch of perspectives and expectations it was...

I even went back and re-read his profile -- just in case his bio had included a stipulation about whether or not an outcall client was alone at home, or not -- but there was nothing whatsoever to that effect! Of course, anything to do with hints, implications, or "reading between the lines" is usually, for me, a recipe for failure and confusing, but whatever...?

[BuffaloKyle]

Yes you should have told him your roommate was there. Reverse the situation. Would you be comfortable if you were going to his place and unexpectedly found his roommate there?

[Lohengrin1979]

If I went to someone’s home, expecting to be alone with the person and see that other people are in the house without being told, I too would leave. It would not feel safe. It’s weird that you wouldn’t tell the therapist that you had a roommate or think that you should’ve. Would you have appreciated walking in to the masseur’s studio and encountering a roommate or spouse he failed to mention? 

[BradyWolf]

6 minutes ago, BuffaloKyle said:

Would you be comfortable if you were going to his place and unexpectedly found his roommate there?

1 minute ago, Lohengrin1979 said:

Would you have appreciated walking in to the masseur’s studio and encountering a roommate or spouse he failed to mention? 

I do understand and appreciate what you both are saying, but since you addressed the question to me, in particular -- the honest truth is that, in 100% sincerity, it would not have been an issue for me, again speaking personally, nor would I have likely even noticed or cared. I do see how that's not the case for others, but it's also not the kind of thing that would have occurred to me, of my own accord, without being explicitly addressed by the other person, prior to the fact

[BuffaloKyle]

1 minute ago, BradyWolf said:

I do understand and appreciate what you both are saying, but since you addressed the question to me, in particular -- the honest truth is that, in 100% sincerity, it would not have been an issue for me, again speaking personally, nor would I have likely even noticed or cared. I do see how that's not the case for others, but it's also not the kind of thing that would have occurred to me, of my own accord, without being explicitly addressed by the other person, prior to the fact

Just make sure you mention it in the future to the provider if it happens again before they come over. 👍

[BradyWolf]

5 minutes ago, BuffaloKyle said:

Just make sure you mention it in the future to the provider if it happens again before they come over. 👍

In that case, you will be happy to hear what I tell you next: An hour or two after the first guy departed, I ended up finding another masseur who agreed to make a house-call, and I made a point of very explicitly and emphatically informing him that, yes indeed, my roommate is also at home! So that he could decide, for himself, whether or not he was copacetic with that fact; all's well that ends well, as they say, and he did indeed come on over... 👍

[+ APPLE1]

Personally, when I didn't live alone, I always made it clear to anyone I invited over. Even now I make it clear that I have a dog.

HOWEVER, whenever I have heard people complain and cry "HE should have told me!" My response has always been "if it was that important to YOU, YOU should have asked."

Like so many things we discuss here, it really calls for reasonable behavior on both sides of the relationship.

Edited April 14 by APPLE1
Clarity

[Jamie21]

I’ve had this happen. I think I’ve written about it previously but I’ll mention it again here because it’s relevant.

I did an outcall one time to a client and his young daughter was with him when he answered the door. In fact we used the room she had been playing in for the massage. The client had intended we use a garage (integral to the house, a townhouse over 3 stories) but it wasn’t suitable so he moved the session to the ground floor play / tv room. As I was setting up the table he asked her to “go upstairs to mummy while daddy has his massage”….

Once she was gone I checked with him that he understood the nature of the service, as in we’d both be naked and it would include sexual activity and he confirmed all ok. He’d clearly seen my advertising etc so couldn’t have been in doubt but given his wife and daughter were upstairs and knew he was having a massage I did wonder…

What’s worse is he didn’t even lock the door and during the session I could hear them upstairs. I asked him if this was ok and he was adamant we’d not be disturbed.

I didn’t meet the wife, or daughter again fortunately as I think it would be even worse to see them afterwards. The client behaved like it was all routine…maybe it was a turn on for him because it certainly didn’t seem to inhibit him…he was hard as soon as he got naked. 

I really don’t mind if there’s others in an adjacent room. I’m also fine if they know what’s going on. I’ve done live shows and workshops including having full sex and things like being a demo model for the use of sex toys so it’s not a problem to me. I also have clients who are married and they both have massages from me while the other one watches.

However in every situation it’s been agreed beforehand. It’s just polite and respectful to ask, and of course some situations such as the one above where I knew his daughter was upstairs are very disconcerting. He should have told me that might be the case when booking. 

I think that for most people they want discretion and privacy in such situations. If you as a client have any circumstances where your place isn’t going to be private then it’s best to let your provider know then he can decide. The default expectation both ways is of privacy. 


 

[Hot4latin]

Perhaps your provider thought it could be a sting operation?  Or a setup for a robbery?  Fact is, in a one-on-one situation, most people feel like they can fend for themself.  But add another unknown person and it can be rather intimidating.  BTW, welcome to the forum.

[MaybeMaybeNot]

1 hour ago, Hot4latin said:

Perhaps your provider thought it could be a sting operation?  Or a setup for a robbery?  Fact is, in a one-on-one situation, most people feel like they can fend for themself.  But add another unknown person and it can be rather intimidating.  BTW, welcome to the forum.

A fruend and I once went through a McDonald's drive-through in a sort of sketchy part of town at about 1:00 in the morning.  Between placing my order and arriving at the window,  I decided I wanted a shake.  When we pulled up,  I asked,  "Can I get one more thing?" The server's face eyes widdened, and his expression was saying,  "Oh, no." I quickly added,  "Can I get a chocolate shake?" to put him at ease. Clearly,  for three seconds, he thought I was going to rob him. I guess we can't understand someone else's perspective and their fears in all situations

 

Was the guy overreacting? Probably.  Should you have told him? Probably. But what can you do but apologize and communicate it to other providers? Your intentions were good. 

[Monarchy79]

If you have a roommate, either:

1.) Disclose that you have one and they will be present, or

2.) Make arrangements for the roommate NOT to be there when you’re meeting with a client. 
 

Clients expect privacy for many reasons and also keep in mind that although you and the client may not know each other (and both of you are taking some risk with meeting), the roommate is even more of a stranger AND a surprise to the client. 
 

[JamesB]

10 hours ago, BradyWolf said:

That is to say, an unwritten rule that a masseur on a house-call should/must be explicitly informed if the client is not alone at home, even if the roommate is merely hanging out in a common area, and you'd pass him by along the way? And apparently said rule is so obvious and self-evident that anyone should know full well, without being told? At least, that's what the guy who came by a few short hours ago, then instantly left just a brief moment later, thought about the matter...

The thing to know about my current roommate, for background reference, is that he is extremely open-minded and non-judgmental about more pretty much all things "sex-related" in life; neither any thing I would have done with the masseur, up to and including "full service" elements, nor the fact of monetary exchange for such, would have been even remotely objectionable or at all remarkable to my roommate! When the guy arrived, my roomie was just sitting on the couch in the living room, relaxing and watching some stuff on his PC, and fully intended to pay no mind to the masseur and myself; we were free to walk out of the foyer, through the living room, right past my roommate, and onto my bedroom -- then enter my bedroom and shut the door, and enjoy our activities in privacy and solitude.

Yet the man walked inside my place, noticed my housemate more or less existing in a common area (and minding his own business), and instantly decided to nope out -- so quick and curt, not even willing to hear a word! 😕 Before I proceed, let me be clear that I fully respect his right to his personal "comfort zone" and prerogative to make decisions for himself, accordingly! However, what really "stuck in my craw" was his rather accusatory statement that I "should have" told him about the roommate being at home, as if I'd somehow done wrong or been negligent of whatever (perceived) duty he had presumed of me -- as opposed to, you know, treating as the blameless mismatch of perspectives and expectations it was...

I even went back and re-read his profile -- just in case his bio had included a stipulation about whether or not an outcall client was alone at home, or not -- but there was nothing whatsoever to that effect! Of course, anything to do with hints, implications, or "reading between the lines" is usually, for me, a recipe for failure and confusing, but whatever...?

 

I'm puzzled why you're uncertain about this. Yes, you should have informed the provider that your roommate would be home.

[+ DrownedBoy]

I had a provider who, right after coming in, suddenly started saying, "Is there anybody else here?" and opening the door to my bedroom, etc., that's off limits to providers.

Entitled little brat - I told him to stop immediately, and after that he's off my list forever.

Asking is one thing; intrusion is another.

[Hot4latin]

2 hours ago, MaybeMaybeNot said:

A fruend and I once went through a McDonald's drive-through in a sort of sketchy part of town at about 1:00 in the morning.  Between placing my order and arriving at the window,  I decided I wanted a shake.  When we pulled up,  I asked,  "Can I get one more thing?" The server's face eyes widdened, and his expression was saying,  "Oh, no." I quickly added,  "Can I get a chocolate shake?" to put him at ease. Clearly,  for three seconds, he thought I was going to rob him. I guess we can't understand someone else's perspective and their fears in all situations.

I thought this story was going someplace completely different. Google Chicago Wiener Circle Chocolate Shake and you’ll understand why. 

[NYXboy]

it blows my mind that people think that if they have someone coming over- paid or not - that you should have to consider whether you have to tell them they are walking into a space where someone else may be there or not: OF COURSE YOU SHOULD TELL THEM. 

 Jesus Christ!

if you walked into a providers house and there was someone else sitting there, unknown and unexpected to be there, you too would freak out or be unnerved,  regardless of how sex positive they profess to be AFTER THE FACT.  

have some basic decorum and manners. PLEASE. 

 

Edited April 15 by NYXboy
grammer

[maninsoma]

I agree with the consensus - you should have told him.  I don't agree with what seems to be the consensus, that it's normal to be so freaked out by the presence of someone else that of course anyone in their right mind would leave.  Not only did I encounter this situation numerous times when hiring masseurs and escorts, it never really occurred to me to be overly concerned about it.  Did I find it somewhat annoying to actually have to see someone else (for example, a roommate on a sofa in the living area that had to be passed through to get to the bedroom)?  Yes, but not enough for me to make an issue of it.  For those arguing the safety angle, if someone really is intent on doing you harm don't you think it would be just as easy for them to have their accomplice hanging out nearby and then that person enters after you're already naked?  Wouldn't that put you in an even more vulnerable position?  It just seems to me that some level of trust is required to meet a stranger, and whatever screening/vetting process one has is hopefully good enough to at least keep the people with malintent at bay.

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

I take the opposite approach.  I tell all my escorts/masseurs/hookups to "close the door so my upstairs roommate won't be disturbed", even when I have no roommates in the house.  For my safety, I like having them think someone else is in the house.

[MikeBiDude]

3 hours ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

I take the opposite approach.  I tell all my escorts/masseurs/hookups to "close the door so my upstairs roommate won't be disturbed", even when I have no roommates in the house.  For my safety, I like having them think someone else is in the house.

I’ve done that before as well…walk past the shut door to guest room and said “don’t worry we won’t bother my roommate”.

[soloyo215]

On 4/14/2024 at 12:36 AM, BradyWolf said:

That is to say, an unwritten rule that a masseur on a house-call should/must be explicitly informed if the client is not alone at home, even if the roommate is merely hanging out in a common area, and you'd pass him by along the way? And apparently said rule is so obvious and self-evident that anyone should know full well, without being told? At least, that's what the guy who came by a few short hours ago, then instantly left just a brief moment later, thought about the matter...

The thing to know about my current roommate, for background reference, is that he is extremely open-minded and non-judgmental about more pretty much all things "sex-related" in life; neither any thing I would have done with the masseur, up to and including "full service" elements, nor the fact of monetary exchange for such, would have been even remotely objectionable or at all remarkable to my roommate! When the guy arrived, my roomie was just sitting on the couch in the living room, relaxing and watching some stuff on his PC, and fully intended to pay no mind to the masseur and myself; we were free to walk out of the foyer, through the living room, right past my roommate, and onto my bedroom -- then enter my bedroom and shut the door, and enjoy our activities in privacy and solitude.

Yet the man walked inside my place, noticed my housemate more or less existing in a common area (and minding his own business), and instantly decided to nope out -- so quick and curt, not even willing to hear a word! 😕 Before I proceed, let me be clear that I fully respect his right to his personal "comfort zone" and prerogative to make decisions for himself, accordingly! However, what really "stuck in my craw" was his rather accusatory statement that I "should have" told him about the roommate being at home, as if I'd somehow done wrong or been negligent of whatever (perceived) duty he had presumed of me -- as opposed to, you know, treating as the blameless mismatch of perspectives and expectations it was...

I even went back and re-read his profile -- just in case his bio had included a stipulation about whether or not an outcall client was alone at home, or not -- but there was nothing whatsoever to that effect! Of course, anything to do with hints, implications, or "reading between the lines" is usually, for me, a recipe for failure and confusing, but whatever...?

He doesn't know any single thing about that person, and seems like you did not inform him about having a roommate when making arrangements. To me that looks like a personal safety thing.

Yes, you should have told him. He's coming to a home of a stranger, that alone has a degree of risk, then he's surprised by seeing another stranger hanging out in the house, without knowing who that person is or what the intentions are.

I don't find the actions of the provider unreasonable.

I've had unpleasant experiences with opposite roles. I've been to the place where the provider is set, and I have found people there hanging around, and it does not feel comfortable and pleasant. In fact, one of them had the roommates passing back and forth in front of me while I was getting the massage.

IMO, both the client and the provider should be aware of other people present in the place where the event will take place, regardless of how "open minded" the people around are. The "I'm ok with it" thing or "I'll be a fly on the wall" thing is not the issue; it's a comfort and personal safety issue.

Edited April 16 by soloyo215

[Massageguy99]

This reminds me of a time in my younger days where I hooked up with someone. 

He lived with family but said no problem he was alone for a while etc. got the feeling he was discrete,.not closeted but on the dl. 

Anyway we are hooking up in his room and all was good. I heard a noise like a car door. He runs to check and says oh everything is fine no big. 

When we get done he stays in his room and I walk to my car. Parked right next to my car was what I assume to be a family member possibly older brother sitting in his car. 

Dude gave me a look of total disgust and if looks could kill I would be dead. I felt absolutely so uncomfortable. 

[DWnyc]

On 4/14/2024 at 3:02 AM, APPLE1 said:

 I make it clear that I have a dog.

 

Good - this ranks #2 I think behind cats (allergies)

And for New Yorkers and elsewhere up several flights of stairs that should be disclosed too 

 

[DWnyc]

On 4/15/2024 at 10:28 AM, maninsoma said:

  It just seems to me that some level of trust is required to meet a stranger, and whatever screening/vetting process one has is hopefully good enough to at least keep the people with malintent at bay.

And that trust could be broken / damaged with what one considers a bad surprise 

I’ve lost count of how many providers have lied about being alone - the roommate, friend who needed a place to stay at the last minute, the dog they don’t think about since they’re minding it temporarily for their friend … etc - not disclosed even after asking 

 

[BuffaloKyle]

2 minutes ago, DWnyc said:

Good - this ranks #2 I think behind cats (allergies)

And for New Yorkers and elsewhere up several flights of stairs that should be disclosed too 

 

I'm highly allergic to cats and dogs so I always ask if someone has a pet on the rare occasion I'm not hosting or going to a hotel to meet a provider. If someone ever shows up either as a client or provider to your place and you have a pet it's nice to mention it but it should be on them to ask if they are that allergic like I am. Never let them make it seem like your fault for not mentioning it.

[Monarchy79]

Another point to consider….

Asking someone if they live alone can come off creepy, as if you’re the “Craigslist Killer”. 😂….

This is one of the reasons why I feel that the host should disclose if they have a roommate. 
 

[urbanfetish]

You should absolutely tell them. Part of the whole idea behind hiring an independent masseur, either for an in call or an out call, is the sense of privacy as opposed to going to a spa with others around. As a client, I always go to the masseur's place. I've had a few times when the masseur had company. One time, it was the sister of the masseur and another was a guy who hid in the bathroom except I needed to use the bathroom before the session. Very awkward. Another time, the masseur informed me ahead of time that his landlord was in the house (he rented a bedroom) and he said he told the landlord that I was just a Grindr hook up, not a client. He didn't want him to know what he did for work. I never saw the first two masseurs again because the surprise was just too weird, and frankly, disrespectful. I should not have been put in that position. 

I can only imagine that the masseur in your situation felt similar. The surprise of finding another person there probably made him nervous. Was this a sting? Was he going to be robbed or beaten up? At least give them a heads up and let them make a decision for themself.