Ignored on Grindr By RM Providers

[FaustOust]

There were two guys advertising on RM in whom I was interested in hiring when I visited their cities, and I  thought I might reach out to them when I was definitively planning on being in their respective hometowns. Within a couple weeks, I saw the same guys on Grindr in my city and thought that I would chat them up. What a happy coincidence!  They both ignored me — which I understand is not uncommon, particularly as I fall into a few demographics that might not be popular on Grindr — even with a mention of RM.  One even said in his ad that he was seeking men older than he is, which I am. In each case, I had clear photos and know that they read the messages through the read receipts.

I find that I have put myself in the situation that I have unintentionally confirmed that these guys are not into me physically, as neither even felt the need to be polite enough to respond in that forum or turn me down politely.  

Should my fear of rejection and my non-interaction with them on Grindr be a sufficient reason not to contact them on RM?  

Even if they responded to an RM inquiry from me, I would still know what they really thought of me through their lack of response on Grindr, and I fear that would affect any hypothetical experience I would have with either of them.  In any other instance, I would not have had this confirmation, and I could at least have the potential of going along with the fantasy that the escort was into me somehow.  

I’ve not spent much time on Grindr, but seeing both of these providers on the app in my city has lead me to believe that escorts who advertise elsewhere may also often be on Grindr. Is my lesson that if I see a known provider on Grindr I should say nothing so as to spare myself being ignored and eliminating a potential hire, who but for the Grindr experience, I probably would have been interested in.

Edited January 11 by FaustOust

[pubic_assistance]

4 minutes ago, FaustOust said:

Is my lesson that if I see a known provider on Grindr I should say nothing so as to spare myself being ignored and eliminating a potential hire?

Yes.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

Never confuse Grindr and RM.  They usually serve two very different purposes.

If someone makes the mistake of calling me out as an escort on Grindr, they are usually ignored.

My profile makes zero mention of that side of my life. 

It's strange that some guys can't read between the lines.

 

Don't judge an escort for having his own personal likes and needs.

[viewing ownly]

Go the rentmasseur route to see them. However, your bridge may be burned if your contact number is recognized by them. If they ask you to send pics, don't bother - it's not worth it. 

Just like it's foolish to think you'll have a "Grindr" experience through rent masseur, it's equally as foolish that the hired guys think perspective rent masseur clients should be visually screened for hotness level. I'm a 4 (nice calves, eyelashes, ass, & fur - nothing else), which is why I hire (and refuse to send pics).

[FaustOust]

2 hours ago, BenjaminNicholas said:

Never confuse Grindr and RM.  They usually serve two very different purposes.

If someone makes the mistake of calling me out as an escort on Grindr, they are usually ignored.

My profile makes zero mention of that side of my life. 

It's strange that some guys can't read between the lines.

 

Don't judge an escort for having his own personal likes and needs.

Why not politely say that they are not interested in chatting there or refer me to their ads?  Instead with ignoring, the message is you are repugnant or not worth my time.  I would love to hire them from what I know otherwise, but it’s hard to hire someone knowing how they really feel, even if it’s a different context.  

Edited January 11 by FaustOust

[Monarchy79]

3 hours ago, FaustOust said:

 They both ignored me — which I understand is not uncommon, particularly as I fall into a few demographics that might not be popular on Grindr 

Why be on Grindr at all if you expect to not get favorable outcomes from it? 

[Oakman]

7 minutes ago, FaustOust said:

Why not politely say that they are not interested in chatting there … 

Oh honey. No one is obligated to be polite to anyone else’s unsolicited messages on a dating app. I frequently get “most woofed” on Scruff and can get 50+ messages a day, not to mention “woofs” and album unlocks from boys “shooting their shot.” I do not have the time or interest in writing 50 polite messages to keep someone’s fragile ego intact. 
 

Likewise, I send messages to men who I wish would respond to me. When they don’t (which is not at all uncommon) I shrug it off. I am not entitled to anyone’s time, and I don’t need the validation. 
 

Reaching out to a provider on a dating app is really just fantasizing that the provider would really be interested in you if only you weren’t also a paying customer. That is delusional behavior. 
 

[+ jeezopete]

1 hour ago, FaustOust said:

I would love to hire them

That's what RM is for, therefore you should have messaged them on the chat feature on RM. That's where they conduct business and I'm sure they respond to most, if not all messages. Messaging them on Grindr "even with a mention of RM" just makes no sense in my humble opinion. Hopefully that's a lesson learned. I'm sure we've all learned from past mistakes in the pursuit of, well whatever we're each pursuing here.  😜

[+ Jamie21]

If your messages on Grindr referred in any way to their RM status or to hiring them etc then they’re extremely likely to ignore you. Not because they’re not into you (although it could also be that) but because Grindr will ban them if they’re engaging in solicitation on the platform. 

By the way, work engagements and non work engagements are two different and distinct things. Someone hires me, I’m looking to deliver what he wants (not what I want). It’s about him. If I hookup with someone on Grindr I’m looking to get my needs taken care of just as much as the other guy is. It works differently. Don’t conflate them.

Hire a good guy and he’ll make you feel like he’d be there with you in that moment even if you weren’t paying him…but don’t test that out because you’ll spoil it for yourself. It’s like buying a lottery ticket before the draw: you could be the winner of the jackpot and it feels exciting. After the draw, when you didn’t win the ticket is just a bit of paper. My advice: buy the ticket but never look at the draw. Your ticket is always a potential winner…
 

 

 

[aiseeya]

1 hour ago, FaustOust said:

Why not politely say that they are not interested in chatting there or refer me to their ads?  Instead with ignoring, the message is you are repugnant or not worth my time.  I would love to hire them from what I know otherwise, but it’s hard to hire someone knowing how they really feel, even if it’s a different context.  

Some providers market through grindr (in addition to RM) thus see ppl reaching out to them on grindr as potential customer and would expectedly direct them to his RM. That said, some others use grindr for non-business reasons, they be looking for potential free hook-up and not potential customer. In such case cant really fault them for not responding. I bet most of us regular folks often ignore advances on grindr for whatsoever reasons - so why should pretty ppl be held on higher standard? 

IMO, for a client to enjoy this hobby long term, one should readily upfront accept and acknowledge that none provider will happily spend their time and effort on you if not for $$$. Key is not how they feel towards you but how good is their acting/ performance on the clock. Everytime a provider compliment my looks, I know for sure thats a lie. This is not me looking down on my self but me knowing and accepting the nature of the relationship. Make life easier on my end as a client.

[+ Balthazar]

I think that sometimes we get so caught up in our own wants and needs that we forget to engage in prospective taking. Providers have lives, including sex lives, outside of their sex work, and it's important to respect their boundaries. What providers do for money can differ from what they do in their personal lives. Hiring is largely rooted in fantasy. You're not doing yourself any favors by testing these guys to see if they will engage with you outside of RM. If you want to hire them, do so via the designated method in their ad. Finally, I get it - rejection can be distressing. You can't, however, control how guys on Grindr choose to reject you. I would say that not responding to messages is the most common approach, so it's important to learn to cope with that. Otherwise, you'll find dating/hookup apps very challenging. 

[+ KensingtonHomo]

5 hours ago, Oakman said:

Oh honey. No one is obligated to be polite to anyone else’s unsolicited messages on a dating app. I frequently get “most woofed” on Scruff and can get 50+ messages a day, not to mention “woofs” and album unlocks from boys “shooting their shot.” I do not have the time or interest in writing 50 polite messages to keep someone’s fragile ego intact. 

Putting aside the RM angle here, I have to disagree with you. If someone said "hello" to you in a bar, club, or supermarket line, you would not just ignore them. You would briefly chat with them and then extricate yourself from the situation—hopefully with some kindness. Allowing ourselves to treat others as less than human on apps or dating sites is callous. Treating other people as human beings is just good manners. 

My millennial friends constantly complain about being ghosted and blocked without explanation. This "I don't owe anyone my time or explanation" attitude is not the boss move it's portrayed as. Rather, it's an avoidance of an uncomfortable interaction that is making our culture more atomistic and less humane as more people do it. 

85% of the guys who hit us up on the apps are not our type. Mostly, they're very young, 18-25, and they open by referring to us as "daddies." I ignore them if they have a blank profile because our profile says "NPNC." Otherwise, I'll do the brief exchange and then say, "Thanks so much for reaching out, but we prefer men closer to our age." The other guy usually says, "Oh, thank you for letting me know." It doesn't take much more time than ignoring someone, and I've treated them like a human being. 

[+ nycman]

Never look behind the curtain. 

[d.anders]

10 minutes ago, KensingtonHomo said:

If someone said "hello" to you in a bar, club, or supermarket line, you would not just ignore them.

I don't think social grace rules of yesteryear apply to social media of today. Today, I'm surprised when anyone exhibits good manners.

I don't own a smartphone, so I've never been on Grindr. I heard it was for hot, younger guys looking for sex. If that is mostly true, and you're not hot and age appropriate, then I would say there's some glutton for punishment at work here.

Disrespecting boundaries is a huge turn-off for most gay men. Huge turn-off. It's even more intense for sex workers. Someone who assumes you can introduce RM banter on a place like Grindr, without permission, is not thinking. IMO, this shortsightedness is begging for rejection.

[FaustOust]

56 minutes ago, Balthazar said:

You can't, however, control how guys on Grindr choose to reject you. I would say that not responding to messages is the most common approach, so it's important to learn to cope with that.

 

6 hours ago, Oakman said:

Oh honey. No one is obligated to be polite to anyone else’s unsolicited messages on a dating app.

I think part of the issue, as I imagine is the case with most of us on here, is that I came of age in a pre-digital and pre-internet world and have lived most of my life in that time. When I first learned how to navigate a gay social world, it seemed that even men out of my league knew how to convey lack of sexual interest in someone.  One definitely got the message, but rarely, if ever, can I recall someone outright pretending I wasn’t there at all, if I approached him and  he was not interested for whatever reason (even an escort!).  I still remember to this day being rejected many years ago by a beautiful man (who was a few years older than I was) whom I was very much interested in. He did it in such a caring, mature, and actually classy way that I remember feeling better somehow after his rejection and thinking at the time, “Gosh, he did that well.”  It seemed that at some level most people believed that, even if someone was not a potential sexual partner, they never knew when they would need a friend; there was a gay community of which we all were a part, and there was no reason to totally ostracise a Fellow Traveller. To me it is sad that this behavior has become normal.

[DznNYC]

This kind of thing never ceases to amaze me. 

As gay men in the dating world, we all stress about our insecurities..  Is he into me?  Am I hot enough for him?  Am I doing it right?  Do I live up to his other sex partners?

Hiring a provider is the one scenario where you can - at long last - unburden yourself of all that bullshit.  And if you're hiring the right provider, and he cares about your experience, he knows it's his job to create a safe space and to facilitate that unburdening.   The lengths that we'll go to to sabotage that unburdening really speak to how deep these insecurities cut. 

Give yourself a break from worrying about the bullshit!  Let yourself enjoy the purity of the actual situation you have available to you.  Let your provider be the one to worry if you like him.  Let him be the one to worry if you'll hire him again.  And let him have the freedom to compartmentalize his private sex life the way he pleases. 

 

 

[pubic_assistance]

2 hours ago, KensingtonHomo said:

My millennial friends constantly complain about being ghosted and blocked without explanation. This "I don't owe anyone my time or explanation" attitude is not the boss move it's portrayed as. Rather, it's an avoidance of an uncomfortable interaction that is making our culture more atomistic and less humane as more people do it. 

I'll do the brief exchange and then say, "Thanks so much for reaching out, but we prefer men closer to our age." The other guy usually says, "Oh, thank you for letting me know." It doesn't take much more time than ignoring someone, and I've treated them like a human being. 

Edited January 11 by pubic_assistance
grammar

[Oakman]

2 hours ago, d.anders said:

I don't think social grace rules of yesteryear apply to social media of today. Today, I'm surprised when anyone exhibits good manners.

Lol. Emily Post conspicuously omits mention of how to deal with horny delusional guys on a hook-up app. Good manners do not come at the expense of helping delusional people cope with their own bad choices. No, I do not have to come up with a polite and gentle reason for not responding to some fifty men a day, as if that kind of correspondence is my job. No, ignoring messages is not impolite. What fun is the app for me if all I’m doing is attending to the needs and feelings of some horny guy who is sending the same annoying and desperate “fuck me daddy” message to everyone he sees? 

[+ DrownedBoy]

There are providers who advertise on Grindr, but I never mentioned RM to them in chats. I have reached out just to see if they react. I don't believe anyone is required to respond to a Grindr text, nor do I answer every text I get.

One of them, when I said hi on Grindr, said he was having trouble paying his electric bill, and sent me a shot of a bill saying $350. I sadly told him I never let my bill get that high. 😄

I wouldn't reach out to a provider on Grindr looking for freebies, but if enough other guys do, I can see why they wouldn't want to engage with clients there.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

4 hours ago, KensingtonHomo said:

Putting aside the RM angle here, I have to disagree with you. If someone said "hello" to you in a bar, club, or supermarket line, you would not just ignore them. You would briefly chat with them and then extricate yourself from the situation—hopefully with some kindness. Allowing ourselves to treat others as less than human on apps or dating sites is callous. Treating other people as human beings is just good manners. 

My millennial friends constantly complain about being ghosted and blocked without explanation. This "I don't owe anyone my time or explanation" attitude is not the boss move it's portrayed as. Rather, it's an avoidance of an uncomfortable interaction that is making our culture more atomistic and less humane as more people do it. 

85% of the guys who hit us up on the apps are not our type. Mostly, they're very young, 18-25, and they open by referring to us as "daddies." I ignore them if they have a blank profile because our profile says "NPNC." Otherwise, I'll do the brief exchange and then say, "Thanks so much for reaching out, but we prefer men closer to our age." The other guy usually says, "Oh, thank you for letting me know." It doesn't take much more time than ignoring someone, and I've treated them like a human being. 

While it would be nice for someone to respond politely, do you really expect someone to spend the time on Grindr to politely decline all the messages some of these guys get? And then that response might lead to another reply to clog the in box.  

Quite frankly, not sending a typed rely is still a reply.  

Edited January 11 by sam.fitzpatrick

[+ ApexNomad]

2 hours ago, DamizzonNYC said:

This kind of thing never ceases to amaze me. 

As gay men in the dating world, we all stress about our insecurities..  Is he into me?  Am I hot enough for him?  Am I doing it right?  Do I live up to his other sex partners?

Hiring a provider is the one scenario where you can - at long last - unburden yourself of all that bullshit.  And if you're hiring the right provider, and he cares about your experience, he knows it's his job to create a safe space and to facilitate that unburdening.   The lengths that we'll go to to sabotage that unburdening really speak to how deep these insecurities cut. 

Give yourself a break from worrying about the bullshit!  Let yourself enjoy the purity of the actual situation you have available to you.  Let your provider be the one to worry if you like him.  Let him be the one to worry if you'll hire him again.  And let him have the freedom to compartmentalize his private sex life the way he pleases. 

 

 

You are the perfect example of what an exemplary provider should be—someone who creates a safe space, understands the weight of unspoken insecurities, and facilitates a sense of comfort and freedom. 

Truly, this is eloquent in its own right.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

10 hours ago, FaustOust said:

Why not politely say that they are not interested in chatting there or refer me to their ads?  Instead with ignoring, the message is you are repugnant or not worth my time.  I would love to hire them from what I know otherwise, but it’s hard to hire someone knowing how they really feel, even if it’s a different context.  

Again, I believe you're putting entirely too much expectation on the Grindr platform...  And seemingly confusing it for an escort listing app.

No one in Grindr-world is obliged to do you any favors or placate.  It's a sex hookup site and not specifically for escorts.

If you don't want to know how guys honestly see you, don't put them in situations where telling the truth will hurt you.

[+ ApexNomad]

2 hours ago, FaustOust said:

 

I think part of the issue, as I imagine is the case with most of us on here, is that I came of age in a pre-digital and pre-internet world and have lived most of my life in that time. When I first learned how to navigate a gay social world, it seemed that even men out of my league knew how to convey lack of sexual interest in someone.  One definitely got the message, but rarely, if ever, can I recall someone outright pretending I wasn’t there at all, if I approached him and  he was not interested for whatever reason (even an escort!).  I still remember to this day being rejected many years ago by a beautiful man (who was a few years older than I was) whom I was very much interested in. He did it in such a caring, mature, and actually classy way that I remember feeling better somehow after his rejection and thinking at the time, “Gosh, he did that well.”  It seemed that at some level most people believed that, even if someone was not a potential sexual partner, they never knew when they would need a friend; there was a gay community of which we all were a part, and there was no reason to totally ostracise a Fellow Traveller. To me it is sad that this behavior has become normal.

I, too, came of age in a pre-digital and pre-internet world. My work forced me to adapt to rapid changes, often with the help of younger assistants and nephews. I’ve never been on Grindr, though I know many who are, and I can’t imagine putting myself through that. I enjoy the comfort, convenience, and, for the most part, reliability of escorts.

Your reflection captures a deeper truth about the evolution of social dynamics, particularly in queer spaces, from a time when mutual respect and a sense of shared community were more apparent. It’s not just about individual rejection—it’s about a cultural shift that, in many ways, feels less human.

In the pre-digital world, face-to-face interactions demanded a level of accountability and empathy. Rejection, while still painful, often came with grace or at least an acknowledgment of shared humanity. That’s likely because personal connections weren’t as disposable as they often feel in today’s swipe-and-scroll culture. People understood that, regardless of attraction, there was value in kindness and maintaining a sense of community.

It’s worth remembering that digital interactions don’t define your worth or the potential for meaningful connections—professional or otherwise.

To return to your original post, and to approach this from a different angle, let’s take your chain of thought to its conclusion. If the providers had responded warmly to you on Grindr, what then would you seek in your professional interaction through a paid encounter? Would you be reaching out to them on RM purely for the service they offer, or would you also hope to cultivate something more intimate, personal, or authentic? What do you hope to gain from reaching out to a provider who was kind on Grindr?

When someone engages with you on a personal platform like Grindr, it can feel, I imagine, more organic or reciprocal, which might create the hope of a genuine connection. But when that same person operates in a professional capacity on RM, their focus is on providing a specific service, irrespective of any prior engagement. If you’re hoping that their positive Grindr interaction might carry over into the professional realm—by that I mean mutual attraction or genuine deeper interest—this is where disappointment becomes likely. Do not confuse the two.

It’s natural to want the fantasy of mutual attraction to blend seamlessly with the reality of a professional arrangement. However, it’s important to recognize that even a friendly or flirtatious interaction on Grindr doesn’t necessarily translate to deeper personal interest. Escorts, like anyone else, may enjoy friendly banter or casual engagement without intending for it to evolve further. Reaching out on RM with expectations tied to a Grindr interaction could create a mismatch between what you want and what they’re offering.

If your goal is a fulfilling, professional interaction, approach providers solely within the context of RM. This helps maintain clear boundaries and avoids letting personal interactions influence your expectations of the professional experience.

[d.anders]

3 hours ago, FaustOust said:

there was a gay community of which we all were a part

Sorry, not on Grindr.

3 hours ago, FaustOust said:

it is sad that this behavior has become normal.

Lots to be sad about these days. Growing old is a bitch.

[+ KensingtonHomo]

37 minutes ago, d.anders said:

Sorry, not on Grindr.

Lots to be sad about these days. Growing old is a bitch.

It's not about growing old. My millennial and Gen Z friends complain about the lack of basic manners on these platforms. Ultimately, it's a choice to accept or reject this coarsening of our culture.