The Mean Girl Dynamic on Company of Men

[CheckCar]

We’ve all seen it happen: A benign thread on this site that gets derailed by haughty and venomous users who seemingly delight in belittling and bullying others. Sometimes their comments reflect an inability, or maybe an unwillingness, to accept that others simply disagree with them. Perhaps more disturbing are the times when their spite and snark emerge with no clear provocation, leaving the rest of us to wonder whether participating on this site is worth the hassle. Either way, this mean girl dynamic — the bullying of fellow users into submission and silence — is difficult to avoid on Company of Men, and it undermines this site as a space where all of us can convene and connect.

 

Outside of reporting such behavior to site administrators — an imperfect response that raises its own set of challenges — I see no clear path toward curbing this dynamic on CoM. (If others have suggestions, feel free to share.) I am naming it here for the benefit of others who, like me, are troubled by the mean-spiritedness of some of our fellow site members. You are not crazy; some of our peers on CoM are terribly unkind, and their petty and spiteful communication styles can make it difficult to spend time here.

 

And sure, this is not unique to CoM. Aggressive and malicious comments from others pervade practically every online domain imaginable. But I find the mean girl dynamic on CoM particularly disheartening because of the purpose of this site. As a gay man of a certain age who is often invisible in bars and clubs catering to the gym-bodied under-40 crowd, and who engages in the type of encounters discussed on this site, I don’t have many people that I can talk to about my specific “extracurricular activities.” (I imagine this is the case for some — not all, but some — of you as well.) I was so relieved when I finally discovered this site after years of wasting time and money on unskilled providers just looking to make a quick buck. I was also incredibly grateful for the outlet (and on some days, the lifeline) this site provided during the COVID lockdown. CoM has the potential to nurture a spirit-lifting camaraderie for those of us who struggle to find it elsewhere. I wish some of us weren’t so seemingly hellbent on tearing others down.

 

Note: I have not named any specific users in this post, as the issue at hand extends beyond any single user. I implore anyone who chooses to comment on this thread to follow suit.

[+ friendofsheila]

Not meant as judgement:  I used to see what you talked about more, but mabye I only see it less now because I spend less time here.

I also dislike what you're talkingabout.   I make sure to use the "ignore" function.   

[mike carey]

It's something that's hard not to see, made the more so by the number of times it's not a light being switched on or off. It's a gradual, at times imperceptible trend of declining civility. Sometimes it's the same posters, perhaps unconsciously, responding slightly more stridently to someone else raising the temperature, but there are others who might leap in when the escalation has already happened, almost as if they had been waiting for it to reach a certain level before their attempted coup de grace.

Regulating shared spaces is always fraught. Some things can be either allowed or not allowed, and there's no ambiguity. Others can be more nuanced but have trigger points that say 'this far no further', but most are a continuum where crossing the line is subjective.

While it is often easy to identify a problem, it's not always as easy to see a way to solve it, and I think that's the dilemma @CheckCar has identified. Even without an apparent solution, identifying an issue and canvassing it can be the first step to resolving it, and that discussion, and the awareness it generates, in itself can go some way towards that.

[Nightowl]

Excellent points.  I suspect there are community members who refrain from making original posts or even commenting because they know the mean girls are just going to make them regret it.  

[ShortCutie7]

This has been a major issue with every message board I have ever participated in, including incredibly niche ones where one would expect everyone to not just be nice but agree with each other… it’s par for the course.

[+ Lucky]

Whereas I agree with the OP in the desire to have a friendly message board, I have the idea that new posters should learn the site, and learn to do research. As a long-time contributor, I have seen the same old questions being asked again and again because the new poster didn't know how to research the issue. The site is a wealth of information.

We are also seeing a decline in the IQ level of many posts, something I lament because over the years we have had some strong discussions here,

[+ JamesB]

17 hours ago, CheckCar said:

We’ve all seen it happen: A benign thread on this site that gets derailed by haughty and venomous users who seemingly delight in belittling and bullying others. Sometimes their comments reflect an inability, or maybe an unwillingness, to accept that others simply disagree with them. Perhaps more disturbing are the times when their spite and snark emerge with no clear provocation, leaving the rest of us to wonder whether participating on this site is worth the hassle. Either way, this mean girl dynamic — the bullying of fellow users into submission and silence — is difficult to avoid on Company of Men, and it undermines this site as a space where all of us can convene and connect.

 

Outside of reporting such behavior to site administrators — an imperfect response that raises its own set of challenges — I see no clear path toward curbing this dynamic on CoM. (If others have suggestions, feel free to share.) I am naming it here for the benefit of others who, like me, are troubled by the mean-spiritedness of some of our fellow site members. You are not crazy; some of our peers on CoM are terribly unkind, and their petty and spiteful communication styles can make it difficult to spend time here.

 

And sure, this is not unique to CoM. Aggressive and malicious comments from others pervade practically every online domain imaginable. But I find the mean girl dynamic on CoM particularly disheartening because of the purpose of this site. As a gay man of a certain age who is often invisible in bars and clubs catering to the gym-bodied under-40 crowd, and who engages in the type of encounters discussed on this site, I don’t have many people that I can talk to about my specific “extracurricular activities.” (I imagine this is the case for some — not all, but some — of you as well.) I was so relieved when I finally discovered this site after years of wasting time and money on unskilled providers just looking to make a quick buck. I was also incredibly grateful for the outlet (and on some days, the lifeline) this site provided during the COVID lockdown. CoM has the potential to nurture a spirit-lifting camaraderie for those of us who struggle to find it elsewhere. I wish some of us weren’t so seemingly hellbent on tearing others down.

 

Note: I have not named any specific users in this post, as the issue at hand extends beyond any single user. I implore anyone who chooses to comment on this thread to follow suit.

 

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had such negative experiences in this forum. I have to say, my own experience has been quite different, though I’ve been a member for a shorter time than you.

I see forums like this as places to exchange information and ideas. You’ll come across perspectives that align with yours, and others that don’t. Both can be valuable, either reinforcing your beliefs or encouraging you to consider different viewpoints.

Like any public space on the internet (or in real life, for that matter), you’ll encounter all kinds of people, from thoughtful, knowledgeable, and helpful individuals to the unkind, aggressive, and what we now call “trolls.” These have existed since the days of IRC, they just used to be called a**holes.

That’s where the ignore or block function comes in handy. I personally prefer blocking, but as far as I can tell, this forum only offers the ignore option. While you’ll still see that the ignored member posted something, you won’t see the content of the post, nor will you receive notifications or messages from them.

In the end, it’s up to you to not let those types of users get under your skin. Focus on engaging with the better side of the community. There’s a lot of knowledge and support here if you tune out the noise.

I hope your experience improves as you build up your ignore list and start enjoying all the good things this forum has to offer.

[+ nycman]

18 hours ago, CheckCar said:

….this mean girl dynamic — the bullying of fellow users into submission and silence — is difficult to avoid….

Welcome to the Internet!

18 hours ago, CheckCar said:

If others have suggestions, feel free to share.

Learn to use the ignore function. It has greatly increased my enjoyment of this site.

[+ sync]

I understand and appreciate your feelings, I've been there.  When I garnered the inspiration to begin posting, I experienced the gambit of troll negativity, from the pedantic condescendence to the unfounded, indecorous personal attacks, which initially dampened my spirits. 

After a time, it became apparent to me that this site, like most social media sites, is an extension of society in general where there is a mix of the good/bad/indifferent.

For me, it has been a positive journey.  I've found the "ignore button" within myself, which I believe you can do as well and just dismiss the troll attacks with a chuckle and perhaps some sympathy for troubled individuals. 

The trolls at this site are far outweighed by the nuggets of genuine information, encouragement, empathy, and humor.

"Keep on keeping on!"

 

[NipLuvr212]

23 minutes ago, sync said:

I understand and appreciate your feelings, I've been there.  When I garnered the inspiration to begin posting, I experienced the gambit of troll negativity, from the pedantic condescendence to the unfounded, indecorous personal attacks, which initially dampened my spirits. 

After a time, it became apparent to me that this site, like most social media sites, is an extension of society in general where there is a mix of the good/bad/indifferent.

For me, it has been a positive journey.  I've found the "ignore button" within myself, which I believe you can do as well and just dismiss the troll attacks with a chuckle and perhaps some sympathy for troubled individuals. 

The trolls at this site are far outweighed by the nuggets of genuine information, encouragement, empathy, and humor.

"Keep on keeping on!"

 

My understanding is that with some changes made to the site itself and a better moderation system, CoM is far far less toxic than it was a few years ago. A good friend of mine was the target of truly vicious personal attacks here, people were posting outlandishly objectionable materials, and there was a definite contingent who would be oppositional just in order to stir up chaos.

Sure there is some bizarre behavior here now, but it seems to me to be a continent better than it once was!

[corndog]

On internet forums like this one, there is an insidious psychology that takes hold. One or two negative voices can easily feel like "the whole forum" is ganging up against you. In most cases, the loudest voices represent the views of a very, very small minority. We must also consider that the written word often loses the tone that the author intended. In person, you may be able to make some comments where you communicate a wry sarcasm through your tone of voice or facial expressions, but online that may come across in a very different way than you intended. Sarcasm is very dangerous in written forums.

This particular forum relies more than most on the anonymity of its users. That anonymity gives us great freedom to discuss things we wouldn't talk about with even our closest friends in real life. But, it also gives an opportunity for "trolls" to misbehave without any repercussions. If you feel attacked, or you're feeling empathy for someone else being attacked here, consider that the opinions of anonymous internet trolls should have absolutely no impact on you. Let it go, don't escalate it.

[+ José Soplanucas]

I’ll be honest: I know my sarcasm and my low tolerance for certain opinions and mindsets—and yes, even certain forum members (after all, I’ve been here a long time)—sometimes get the better of me. @CheckCar I’m sorry if my posts have affected your enjoyment of the forum. I can’t promise it won’t happen again; old habits die hard, and I have a confrontational streak. But I am working on it, and I’ll keep trying to do better.

There’s no magic fix for the kind of tension we see online (and which is spreading also to the "real" world) these days. But I believe it starts with each of us choosing to do better, listening to others, and taking feedback seriously.

As some members have rightly pointed out, you do have tools. First, try not to give too much energy to the loud minority (yes, I might be part of that group sometimes). Second, make use of the ignore feature if someone is consistently ruining the experience for you. This space is what we make of it

 

[Nightowl]

Several people have mentioned ignoring the offending posters but on a forum like this—small and geared toward people with common interests—is it unreasonable to ask for some level of tolerance and civility from all members?  Yes, there are a lot of assholes on fora throughout the internet who revel in the anonymity and freedom to post whatever vitriol they want, but we don’t have to be like them.  Scrolling and ignoring are good options but what’s wrong with expecting ourselves to meet a higher standard when posting and commenting?

[+ Jamie21]

I think it does help to have a thick skin. It feels like some people are delighted (looking for it) to be offended. My view is if someone is behaving badly it’s their problem not mine, I’ll ignore them, or if I’m feeling mischievous I’ll wind them up a little bit more, just for general amusement. 

If you’ve engaged in ‘discussions’ on Twitter this place is a kindergarten by comparison. People are generally civil, it’s well moderated and uplifting / informative. 
 

[d.anders]

An old gay friend who sold his $2 million dollar apt and left NYC after Covid recently telephoned to say, "You know what, I've decided I hate gay men. They're nothing but bitchy cunts." I had a bit of a chuckle. If you knew the gentle, loving gay guy who made this comment, you'd be as shocked as I was.

I probably don't post here enough to know what others are talking about. It seems to me, Mods step in fairly regularly. The mere scent of political interpretation presents a disappearing act like no magician I've ever seen.

[Becket]

IMHO most guys here are pretty reasonable. Anonymity gives some folks the "courage" to be unkind. In any subset of people there will be nice guys and there will be jerks. This site is not much different than the rest of humanity.

[caliguy]

I think some here are used to 

On 8/2/2025 at 12:08 PM, CheckCar said:

We’ve all seen it happen: A benign thread on this site that gets derailed by haughty and venomous users who seemingly delight in belittling and bullying others. Sometimes their comments reflect an inability, or maybe an unwillingness, to accept that others simply disagree with them. Perhaps more disturbing are the times when their spite and snark emerge with no clear provocation, leaving the rest of us to wonder whether participating on this site is worth the hassle. Either way, this mean girl dynamic — the bullying of fellow users into submission and silence — is difficult to avoid on Company of Men, and it undermines this site as a space where all of us can convene and connect.

 

Outside of reporting such behavior to site administrators — an imperfect response that raises its own set of challenges — I see no clear path toward curbing this dynamic on CoM. (If others have suggestions, feel free to share.) I am naming it here for the benefit of others who, like me, are troubled by the mean-spiritedness of some of our fellow site members. You are not crazy; some of our peers on CoM are terribly unkind, and their petty and spiteful communication styles can make it difficult to spend time here.

 

And sure, this is not unique to CoM. Aggressive and malicious comments from others pervade practically every online domain imaginable. But I find the mean girl dynamic on CoM particularly disheartening because of the purpose of this site. As a gay man of a certain age who is often invisible in bars and clubs catering to the gym-bodied under-40 crowd, and who engages in the type of encounters discussed on this site, I don’t have many people that I can talk to about my specific “extracurricular activities.” (I imagine this is the case for some — not all, but some — of you as well.) I was so relieved when I finally discovered this site after years of wasting time and money on unskilled providers just looking to make a quick buck. I was also incredibly grateful for the outlet (and on some days, the lifeline) this site provided during the COVID lockdown. CoM has the potential to nurture a spirit-lifting camaraderie for those of us who struggle to find it elsewhere. I wish some of us weren’t so seemingly hellbent on tearing others down.

 

Note: I have not named any specific users in this post, as the issue at hand extends beyond any single user. I implore anyone who chooses to comment on this thread to follow suit.

You're not alone and I could sure name a few. I've noticed they're usually the same types that rip escorts for things they can't control like age or appearance. 

Some people are just naturally assholes and that's about all you can say. 

 

 

[wsc]

This won't start off seeming to make sense, but I pray it will in the end. 

Letting the National Enquirer publish its nonsensical and sometimes scurrilous trash is the only way to ensure the New York Times can give us "all the news that's fit to print." Thomas Jefferson said, "Our freedom depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost."

While more directed to press freedom, the jump to freedom of speech is not a long one. If one of us loses the ability here to speak his mind as he sees fit, that same restriction then threatens each and all.

No, this is not the public square, it is a private forum, and greater decorum might be more desirable, but -to my mind at least- not at the cost of honesty and candor, and even when it means suffering the bad manners of miscreants and bullies in our midst. Their intemperate speech simply lets us identify who and what they truly are. But be not wounded by their vitriol, nor pay them any heed, lest they come to think you care about their opinions.

It is not a question of growing a tougher skin, but one of both acknowledging a shared right and of properly weighing its value in our marketplace of ideas and opinions. And without free speech how would we know who the stupid ones are?

[mike carey]

1 hour ago, wsc said:

No, this is not the public square, it is a private forum, and greater decorum might be more desirable, but -to my mind at least- not at the cost of honesty and candor, and even when it means suffering the bad manners of miscreants and bullies in our midst. Their intemperate speech simply lets us identify who and what they truly are. But be not wounded by their vitriol, nor pay them any heed, lest they come to think you care about their opinions.

I have to agree. I've been reading this forum for a far shorter time than many of our members, but in that time, I've noticed the good and the bad, and we need to live with, and more importantly learn how to react to both. Both in my time as a punter and a moderator (or now with one or other of those hats on) I've seen responses and sadly, withdrawal in the face of negative comments and at times hectoring or even outright bullying. As a moderator I feel compelled to think more closely about negative things that have been said, rather than just thinking, 'Arsehole' and moving on. More often than I thought we had a right to expect, I've seen other members take down bad commenters comprehensively, the better replies with zero reference to anything beyond the content of what had been said, other by challenging motives but not character. That is uplifting.

None of that is to justify bad comments or undisguised contempt for others, or for their intelligence. None of us is perfect, but we can all strive to do better. We all can do better.

[+ purplekow]

9 hours ago, Nightowl said:

Several people have mentioned ignoring the offending posters but on a forum like this—small and geared toward people with common interests—is it unreasonable to ask for some level of tolerance and civility from all members?  Yes, there are a lot of assholes on fora throughout the internet who revel in the anonymity and freedom to post whatever vitriol they want, but we don’t have to be like them.  Scrolling and ignoring are good options but what’s wrong with expecting ourselves to meet a higher standard when posting and commenting?

I am not sure if in that last sentence you meant expecting ourselves as a community or ourselves as individuals.   I agree that we should all expect our own posts to meet a high standard and we can work and strive to do better.  Expecting each member here to adhere to that same ethos is noble but, unfortunately, unobtainable. 

We should all think  "when I knew better I did better"  of our own behavior but the only one we can truly hold accountable to that is looking back at us in the mirror.  

[+ purplekow]

3 hours ago, wsc said:

This won't start off seeming to make sense, but I pray it will in the end. 

Letting the National Enquirer publish its nonsensical and sometimes scurrilous trash is the only way to ensure the New York Times can give us "all the news that's fit to print." Thomas Jefferson said, "Our freedom depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost."

While more directed to press freedom, the jump to freedom of speech is not a long one. If one of us loses the ability here to speak his mind as he sees fit, that same restriction then threatens each and all.

No, this is not the public square, it is a private forum, and greater decorum might be more desirable, but -to my mind at least- not at the cost of honesty and candor, and even when it means suffering the bad manners of miscreants and bullies in our midst. Their intemperate speech simply lets us identify who and what they truly are. But be not wounded by their vitriol, nor pay them any heed, lest they come to think you care about their opinions.

It is not a question of growing a tougher skin, but one of both acknowledging a shared right and of properly weighing its value in our marketplace of ideas and opinions. And without free speech how would we know who the stupid ones are?

Quite erudite.  SHOWOFF.

[Nightowl]

3 hours ago, purplekow said:

I am not sure if in that last sentence you meant expecting ourselves as a community or ourselves as individuals.   I agree that we should all expect our own posts to meet a high standard and we can work and strive to do better.  Expecting each member here to adhere to that same ethos is noble but, unfortunately, unobtainable. 

We should all think  "when I knew better I did better"  of our own behavior but the only one we can truly hold accountable to that is looking back at us in the mirror.  

You’re right,  we can only control our own behavior.  Unfortunately , it’s sad to have to accept that this forum can be the same cesspool as the rest of the internet.