What is it with unsolicited groping among gay men?

[+ purplekow]

16 hours ago, PhileasFogg said:

After 12 hours of traveling, I'll offer a couple of thoughts:

1) Good discussion and glad to see various perspectives offered

2) I'm sorry to see that some of you have responded to what you think I said happened and not what I actually described.

3) I'm fine if someone wants to say "hey, I think I personally might have enjoyed it."   BUT, you are NOT entitled to say the same for me.   @topunderachiever, you don't know me.   Do not presume to have any basis to insult me with your prude/pearls comment....whether that was directed to me or @BSR, if you think it's right, then bless your sweet little heart.   You can just go ahead an block me right now.

4) As many have noted - times have changed.   As many of the older folks on this forum are critical of the younger ones for less safe sex practices "these days,"  many of the younger folks see consent and respect differently.   Views on public nudity and consent are much more refined these days.   And to the older folks, shame on you for teaching and/or modeling to the younger folks that this is OK.   I'm over 60 and have NEVER been in an environment where this type of behavior is acceptable.

5) Some of you seem to bristle when I quote the law in what some suggested was a narrow sense.   Actually, I simply quoted the law without personal bias.   It's you choosing to interpret it loosely (based on your wishes), but those wishes carry zero weight in court.    I will note that a number of public personalities have been "cancelled" and/or prosecuted both criminally and civilly over mere allegations of crossing these lines of propriety.

Here are facts:

I went to clothing optional resorts to get a tan not to get groped.   I did NOT participate in IH's hot tub, red room, or sauna scenes (notwithstanding the fact that what happened two nights ago was at a bar on Duval St and NOT at IH)   One guy, last night over drinks, even said that my (very fine looking) companion and I had intimidated them and were deemed unappoachable because we were clearly together - with each other - and not playing the field.   Said guy was telling us this while his husband was in their room with another guest - to which I say - live and let live even if it ain't for me.

I will note that earlier this year at Boy Beach in PTown, not a single person came up to grope either me or my very good looking travel companions. 

 

Each of you with differing views is entitled to your view, responsible for your actions, and man enough to own the repercussions of your actions.   My suggestion - not everyone shares your view and, if pressed, the law is not very accommodating to your actions.

Now, after 700 miles by plane and 400 miles by car, I'm going to bed.  Good night

 

 

Going 56 miles per hour in a 55 mile per hour zone is a ticketable offense, but if you got such a ticket, most people would consider it a bogus situation.  

It seems some of the issues you had were 56 miles per hour in a 55 and others were 75 in a 30.   The finger probe to insert, 100 in a 30, way too fast and probably worthy of condemnation.   The first rub of the leg at the bar, for me 56, returning and going higher shows disrespect and an ongoing desire to speed and that is where the line is drawn for me.  Your mileage may vary.  

Edited Wednesday at 09:09 PM by purplekow

[+ nycman]

21 minutes ago, Whoisyourdaddy said:

Evil people sometimes prey on the most vulnerable.

We’ve come a long way from some "over 60" year old man getting groped in a gay clothing optional resort……

[soloyo215]

14 hours ago, José Soplanucas said:

Don't liking it implies consent? There is no assault if there is consent. Rather than assault, it would be a forward seeing move.

Thanks, great information, but that doesn't address the question I asked.

Edited Wednesday at 12:43 PM by soloyo215

[+ SirBillybob]

9 hours ago, PhileasFogg said:

… One guy, last night over drinks, even said that my (very fine looking) companion and I had intimidated them and were deemed unappoachable because we were clearly together - with each other - and not playing the field …

… I will note that earlier this year at Boy Beach in PTown, not a single person came up to grope either me or my very good looking travel companions …

The offenders audaciously attempting to punch above their looks class on top of everything else egregiously criminal? That’s aggravating. I’d probably have to be there. But it’s good to know, after all, that the vast majority of gay men know better. 

Edited Wednesday at 01:49 PM by SirBillybob

[+ PhileasFogg]

40 minutes ago, SirBillybob said:

The offenders audaciously attempting to punch above their looks class on top of everything else egregiously criminal? That’s aggravating. I’d probably have to be there. But it’s good to know, after all, that the vast majority of gay men know better. 

What can I say - maybe the in home training is paying off 😂

[+ Just Chuck]

There is a lot of contextual stuff that makes different touches okay or not okay.  In a bathhouse, I pretty much expect to be touched.  But I nearly decked a guy who I was walking past who lunged to grab at my genitals through a towel.

In those environments, where a LITTLE consent is implied and most of it is non-verbal, there’s an okay speed and pathway to touch someone.  I’ve placed the palm of my hand on someone’s lower back then drifted it down (slowly enough that they could easily react and stop be) before grabbing a handful of ass cheek.  I’ve slowly reached forward to place my hand on a guy’s chest before slowly tracing a line down his belly and finally touching his cock and balls.  Do either of those with some eye contact and you’re behaving respectfully for the context of the environment.

There are other signs of consent in a bathhouse environment.  If a guy is blindfolded and has his hands through the loops of a Saint Andrew’s Cross in a bath, he’s pretty much advertising that he’s available to be used somehow.

I heard a piece of advice for teenage boys about how to ask permission to touch their date without sounding like a robot or like a prossecutor interrogating a witness.  Imagine a teenage boy and girl kissing and making out then this happens:

BOY:  I like your ass.

BOY: I want to touch your ass.

BOY: I’m going to touch your ass.

BOY touches girl’s ass.

She didn’t have to give explicit consent in that scene, but he’s done due diligence prior to touching her.  Whispered into her ear while they kiss and make out, she may be dying with anticipation for him to touch her ass before he does it.  It can turn gaining consent into something actually sexy and kind of a form of dirty talk.

If the guys near the pool at the resort had used a strategy like that, this whole thread would be entirely different.

 

[+ Just Chuck]

On 9/16/2025 at 8:18 AM, Vegas_Millennial said:

My favorite gay men's hotel starts with a penis measurement by the owner upon check-in.  🍆 The owner offers 1% off the price of the room per inch upon check-in.  Besides offering a discount, the act of the owner fondling the customer to get an exact measurement sets the mood for the property that flirtatious touching is normal and to be expected. 🎉 

Where the heck is that and what hotel is it?!?!  

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

12 hours ago, PhileasFogg said:

I will note that earlier this year at Boy Beach in PTown, not a single person came up to grope either me or my very good looking travel companions. 

Sounds like maybe it's time to take Ptown off my list of must-visit places.  Maybe if I went during Bear Week it would be more frisky.  🐻 

Edited Wednesday at 04:31 PM by Vegas_Millennial

[+ PhileasFogg]

30 minutes ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

Sounds like maybe it's time to take Ptown off my list of must-visit places.  Maybe if I went during Bear Week it would be more frisky.  🐻 

Clearly we are looking for different things in such a place.  But you be you 😉

[+ sniper]

9 hours ago, purplekow said:

Going 56 miles per hour in a 55 mile per hour zone is a ticketable offense, but if you got such a ticket, most people would consider it a bogus situation.  

It seems some of the issues you had were 56 miles per hour in a 55 and others were 75 in a 30.   The finger probe to insert, 100 in a 30, way to fast and probably worthy of condemnation.   The first rub of the leg at the bar, for me 56, returning and going higher shows disrespect and an ongoing desire to speed and that is where the line is drawn for me.  Your mileage may vary.  

This was what I was trying to get at.

[Whippoorwill]

It's called reading the room. Gay bars, baths, clubs, etc. are places to be with other gay men...that's why they exist, that's why we go there. What each of us are looking for at any moment in any venue, we generally signal with our body language, our dress, our eyes, etc. It takes being alert to what we are signaling to others, and what they are signaling to us. Mistakes are made...but take it as a learning experience, both ways. 

[+ APPLE1]

It would be a beautiful world if my definitions of too aggressive or too timid were adopted by all. Even better if my mannerisms, expressions, and moods were universally understood. 

In the mean time, I'd likely have to stop the guy trying to finger bang me on the dance floor, and then create one of those mental pro/con lists to see if, or where, the interaction would go. 

And, because I remember the "affirmative consent" movement, I'd throw the finger banger a certain appreciation for being on that end of the spectrum. If a boy at the other end of the spectrum looked up at me doe-eyed at the end of the night and asked if he could kiss me, or hold my hand, I know there wouldn't be a snow ball's chance in hell he would get a second bite at the apple. We are clearly not a match! 

[Thelatin]

Just getting done with a trip, two very attractive Latin companions along with me.  We went to the drag brunches, gay bars etc.  They are very good dancers and most everyone’s eyes were on them.  I’d just look at people and lip “nope” and they were respectful.  Unfortunately one night we had a stalker - and all of a sudden one of my companions became very “intoxicated” with a stranger offering to “help”.  Fortunately I’m always on yellow alert or it could have ended badly.  I actually ended up calling an ambulance an hour later - very scary.  Thank God he’s fine.

As for me if I received an unwanted digit in my rear I’d be angry.  Only one?

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

3 minutes ago, Thelatin said:

As for me if I received an unwanted digit in my rear I’d be angry.  Only one?

👏 👏 👏 

[Occasional]

On 9/16/2025 at 11:34 PM, Jamie21 said:

... a wristband to indicate whether you were top, bottom or vers. Within the group it wasn’t always easy to identify which body part belonged to which wristbanded wrist. Occasionally a total top might risk being penetrated

Wristband?!  What's needed is a bold mark in body paint or crayon to one buttock (or both). Red or green 😉

Belt and braces (suspenders) would be a (red) cross or a (green) tick, to help guide the 7% of men who are colour-blind.

Edited Friday at 04:31 PM by Occasional
typo

[+ sniper]

It's also harder to see color in low light...

[Luv2play]

On 9/15/2025 at 5:27 PM, nycman said:

Yeah, I’d say you’re swimming in the wrong pool. Stick to the shallow end of the kiddie pool and you’ll be fine.

While no one likes unwanted touch, I personally don’t think of it as "tantamount to assault". In my youth, I’d simply thought it was part of a gay man’s right of passage. The other day I was at a bar and a woman in her 70s was sitting next to me with her son and carrying on. "In my day, if you went out on the town and a man wasn’t pitching your ass you, weren’t doing it right". Her son was mortified and scolded her. I bought her a drink.

At the same time, if I politely brushed your hand away and you persisted, then I would grab you firmly by the wrist and say "if you fucking touch me again, I’ll break your goddamn wrist". Problem solved. Every time. #punklife

Interesting you wrote “right of passage”. The term is “rite of passage”. Quite different from right.