In The Closet? A Topic For Discussion

[Fitdljay]

Deep in the closet 😔

[+ ApexNomad]

45 minutes ago, Fitdljay said:

Deep in the closet 😔

Being in the closet can feel incredibly isolating, but it’s often a form of protection—and in some cases, survival. There’s absolutely no shame in taking your time. You have every right to come out on your terms, when you feel safe and ready. No one else gets to dictate that timeline.

Your identity is real, even if no one else knows it yet. Who you are matters—even if, for now, it’s just between you and your reflection. That’s still brave. That’s still valid.

Take the time you need. If it helps, speaking with a trusted friend or a professional therapist can be grounding. And if you’re feeling the need to explore yourself sexually in a safe, consensual space, working with a provider can be one way to do that too—without shame or judgment. What matters most is that you feel safe, respected, and in control of your journey.

[Fitdljay]

7 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

Being in the closet can feel incredibly isolating, but it’s often a form of protection—and in some cases, survival. There’s absolutely no shame in taking your time. You have every right to come out on your terms, when you feel safe and ready. No one else gets to dictate that timeline.

Your identity is real, even if no one else knows it yet. Who you are matters—even if, for now, it’s just between you and your reflection. That’s still brave. That’s still valid.

Take the time you need. If it helps, speaking with a trusted friend or a professional therapist can be grounding. And if you’re feeling the need to explore yourself sexually in a safe, consensual space, working with a provider can be one way to do that too—without shame or judgment. What matters most is that you feel safe, respected, and in control of your journey.

Thank you. I really appreciate this.

[maninsoma]

9 hours ago, ShortCutie7 said:

It’s exactly the argument you’re mentioning that makes my point- society associates “gay” with “sex”; “straight” is considered the default so is not thought of in as sexual a manner.  Literally every single person I have come out to has asked a followup question about or relating to my sex life… even if the question is something seemingly innocent like “how do you know?”, the answer would be inherently sexual (“I know because I get aroused when I see a handsome man, not a beautiful woman”).

But your answer could be as simple as what I asked the psychiatrist when I was 17 years old: How did you come to know you're straight? 

On a gentler note, I still remember when my boyfriend's nephew asked me why his uncle and I were together and not with women.  I simply replied that some men love each other the same way that a man and a woman can love one another.  His mom approved of my answer (after the fact). 

It really is homophobia that equates being "out" with being sexually inappropriate or sharing too much information about one's sex life.

[ShortCutie7]

23 minutes ago, maninsoma said:

But your answer could be as simple as what I asked the psychiatrist when I was 17 years old: How did you come to know you're straight? 

On a gentler note, I still remember when my boyfriend's nephew asked me why his uncle and I were together and not with women.  I simply replied that some men love each other the same way that a man and a woman can love one another.  His mom approved of my answer (after the fact). 

It really is homophobia that equates being "out" with being sexually inappropriate or sharing too much information about one's sex life.

Totally, but unfortunately this homophobia is so deeply embedded in society that it is the default assumption even in accepting (or fellow gay) company.

[+ Charlie]

I mentioned in an earlier post here that when I told my parents that I was gay, they were "bemused." I actually expected that kind of calm reaction from my father. One of his closest friends as he was growing up was his cousin Fred, who turned out to be quietly gay. Fred continued to live with his widowed mother as an adult, but he had a "special friend" who lived elsewhere. As a child, I noticed that this "special friend" was always invited to family get-togethers, and was usually the only non-family-member present, but none of the adults ever seemed to notice or comment on this anomaly. It wasn't until I was an adult myself that I put two and two together and I realized that the "special friend" was actually Cousin Fred's partner, even though they didn't live together. I don't know if Fred actually "came out" or discussed his sexuality with other family members, but obviously they were aware and accepted the situation. Whether they thought about the sexual aspect of the relationship or only the emotional aspect I can't tell. When I came out, my mother only asked, "How do you know?" and I couldn't help laughing.  

[Cutiefmbyfurry]

For me, it was pretty easy, since I grew up mostly in California and knew that I liked men from a young age. My parents can be pretty closed minded, but they were OKAY with me being gay. 

[TonyDown]

On 5/20/2025 at 8:00 PM, Fitdljay said:

Deep in the closet 😔

When I came out of the closet, a trusted person asked me how I was doing with my own homophobia.  I felt confused and a little bit insulted.  How could he asked me such a question, I thought to myself. 

But he hit the nail on the head.  Doctors, police and preachers used to all define us negatively.  We were diseased. We were breaking laws.  We were committing sin.

IMO, all the shame and fear that arose from that needed to be replaced with Pride.

Another trusted person reminded me "there's nothing wrong with being gay."  Helps to remind myself, against the negativity that is still out there.

Finally, another trusted person reminded me to be gentle with myself.

Take care.  🙂

Edited May 23 by TonyDown

[topunderachiever]

Procrastinators should note that a very tiny percentage of men ever regretted coming out...

and many, many wish they'd taken that leap earlier.  

 

[+ purplekow]

 

I intended to be brief but I was not.  Skip to the last paragraph for a brief summary if you do not want the details.  

 

I have mentioned this is the past but I will repeat it, briefly, here again.  At 17 I was picked up while hitchhiking and was offered $50 dollars to allow the driver to blow me.  I agreed, as I needed the money, and afterwards he gave me $20, which considering my shock at doing this at all, was something I was willing to accept and get out of the car.  By the way, I drove while he blew and then when he wanted to stop because his back hurt, I forced his head doen until I came in his mouth.  Two years later, visiting a friend at college, we had a drunken encounter which resulted in frottage. We are still friends 50 years later and have not discussed it since. He visited me this week and revealed to me that he was sexually abused as a child and that he found it difficult to speak of sexual matters.  He also told me that he lost his virginity to a woman that was aggressively sexual and in control of the entire act.  In any case, my sexual encounters from that point until after my wife passed, were strictly with women.   I had practically no interest in men as a sexual partner and if my wife had not passed before me, I believe that I would never had any other sexual encounters with a man.  After my wife died, I tried dating women and having sex with women and after two years, I found both of those activities unsatisfying.  I then noticed a friend of one of my employees who was a Romance novel coverman and prone to wearing form fitting clothing.  Later, I discovered that he was a male escort catering to men and women, when I hired him sight unseen from an agency and he showed up at my door.  Anyway, one day he came to go to lunch with my employee and I noticed him and thought, I could fuck that ass.   So soon after, I found a site on line with male escorts and went through the entire catalog of about 500 pictures, and I found three men who I thought I would be able to fuck.  I contact the two local ones and arranged a meeting with each.  The first encounter was terrifying in anticipation but life altering in completion.  The day after I hired him, and leaving the hotel stunned by my activity, I awoke with an erection and wanting more from him.  I hired him again that day.  

Since then, I have had sex with men and women.  I find men more satisfying in general but I still enjoy the company of women.  

So, in conclusion, I have sex with men and women.  For the first half of my sexual years, I had sex almost exclusively with women.  Now, I have sex predominantly with men.  I have never discussed my sex life with members of my family nor with professional acquaintances.  Several weeks ago, having brunch with a gay couple I met through the forum, one member commented about my ogling a women and said that he did not realize that I liked women.  So I came out to him about that.  

[jeezifonly]

Every single closet that has hidden men’s desires is unique. Some weren’t useful and were abandoned or converted into something else before really being used. Others accumulate fractured memories, regrets, hopes and dust over decades and still feel like home. 

Mine was useful and able to be well aired out before I was 30.
 

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

I grew up with a very atheist mother, who insisted that adults who do not partner and produce offspring are a drain on species.  Thankfully my father found Christianity and brought me to the church and I was finally able to see that I was created in the image of God and that Jesus was probably homosexual, so now I am out.  My father and I have a great relationship while my mother cut all ties from us, calling homosexuality unnatural. 

 

[marylander1940]

On 5/16/2025 at 11:50 AM, Lucky said:

Coming out of the closet was very hard for me. I kept delaying it until I had finally finished law school and couldn't get away from it anymore. Plus, I fell in love, with an unavailable straight guy. But I did realize that to have the life I wanted, I would have to come out. Life was so much better after that.

In the course of meeting people from this site, and I have easily met over 100 guys, I learned that many are still in the closet despite posting their desires here. Some are out to friends, but not family. The latter seems a hard obstacle to some, but luckily for me my very Catholic family accepted my orientation.

So I invite others to share their own situations. Are you out, and how was that? Are you in, and what challenges does that pose? Et cetera.

Many are in the closet or just think they are in a closet and their family already knows but they prefer not to talk about it. 

I came out in my early 30s  at a time when guys that age already had children. Many of the young men I dated in order to gain social acceptability lured women into marriage and later divorced them... I never believed in using people that way to be justified by any cause. I simply didn't talk about my private life until I was in a situation where it was safe to do it from a  personal and financial perspective.

 

Edited May 24 by marylander1940

[Wings246]

I’m 100% in the deepest corner of the closet, although I believe that my family and closest friends/coworkers all suspect that I’m gay.  After all, it’s not too difficult to guess when a middle-aged man has zero dating history with any female human beings.

The biggest hurdle is my family.  The irony is that I do have a very loving and supportive family.  This, however, as ridiculous as it may sound, is a double-edged sword.  I don’t know if they would mind or care, but I am certain the people around them would.  So I cannot get over (or even bear) the thought of bringing negative impacts to their lives.  I have no fear about the consequences of my own decisions and choices; unfortunately, I have crippling hesitations when my personal decisions and choices can and will affect the lives of those I love and care about.  I don’t know if this is just my lame excuse to rationalize my own cowardice.

My mother, given her age, is surprisingly open-minded (or at least she appears so).  She’s a die-hard fan of an openly gay superstar.  More than once, she has applauded the audacity of that superstar’s coming out journey in my presence.  I am not even sure if that’s her clue to encourage me to tell her something that we all know.  But I keep telling myself that “it’s OK if it happens to someone else’s son.  It will be a completely different story when it is YOUR son.”

Once in the not-too-distant past during a heart-to-heart conversation, my brother indirectly hinted at me that “we will love you and support you no matter what your decisions are about your life.”  At that moment, I fully understood that there was no ambiguity in what he was alluding to.  Still, I shied away from the golden opportunity to give the proper, ultimate response and pivoted the dialogue to something else.  I know, I know, I know — I am exhausted by my own weakness.

It’s funny that two of my best male friends are gay, one of which is openly gay and happily married to another man.  The other one is in the closet but is out to me.  Yet, I don’t have the guts to be honest with them; I don’t even understand myself.  They’ve even told me, on separate occasions, that they saw me as a mystery, that they didn’t even know who I truly am or what I really want.  I suppose the mystery will stay as is until I have the courage to face myself one day.

Sometimes, I’m so tired of myself and I feel people around me are tired of me.  Maybe I am constantly and needlessly fighting an imaginary battle against the worst enemy in the entire world: myself.

[CuriousByNature]

2 hours ago, Wings246 said:

I’m 100% in the deepest corner of the closet, although I believe that my family and closest friends/coworkers all suspect that I’m gay.  After all, it’s not too difficult to guess when a middle-aged man has zero dating history with any female human beings.

The biggest hurdle is my family.  The irony is that I do have a very loving and supportive family.  This, however, as ridiculous as it may sound, is a double-edged sword.  I don’t know if they would mind or care, but I am certain the people around them would.  So I cannot get over (or even bear) the thought of bringing negative impacts to their lives.  I have no fear about the consequences of my own decisions and choices; unfortunately, I have crippling hesitations when my personal decisions and choices can and will affect the lives of those I love and care about.  I don’t know if this is just my lame excuse to rationalize my own cowardice.

My mother, given her age, is surprisingly open-minded (or at least she appears so).  She’s a die-hard fan of an openly gay superstar.  More than once, she has applauded the audacity of that superstar’s coming out journey in my presence.  I am not even sure if that’s her clue to encourage me to tell her something that we all know.  But I keep telling myself that “it’s OK if it happens to someone else’s son.  It will be a completely different story when it is YOUR son.”

Once in the not-too-distant past during a heart-to-heart conversation, my brother indirectly hinted at me that “we will love you and support you no matter what your decisions are about your life.”  At that moment, I fully understood that there was no ambiguity in what he was alluding to.  Still, I shied away from the golden opportunity to give the proper, ultimate response and pivoted the dialogue to something else.  I know, I know, I know — I am exhausted by my own weakness.

It’s funny that two of my best male friends are gay, one of which is openly gay and happily married to another man.  The other one is in the closet but is out to me.  Yet, I don’t have the guts to be honest with them; I don’t even understand myself.  They’ve even told me, on separate occasions, that they saw me as a mystery, that they didn’t even know who I truly am or what I really want.  I suppose the mystery will stay as is until I have the courage to face myself one day.

Sometimes, I’m so tired of myself and I feel people around me are tired of me.  Maybe I am constantly and needlessly fighting an imaginary battle against the worst enemy in the entire world: myself.

I don't believe you are weak at all.  I think you care deeply about those around you, and perhaps you're being overly careful to ensure life continues on as it always has.  But that leaves you having to carry a burden that many others in similar situations would have thrown off.  So, no.  You aren't weak at all.  We can always be our own worst enemies.  If coming out is something you want to do, deep in your heart, perhaps speak with a counsellor who can assist in the process.  As long as you do not feel pressured to reveal your true self, and are able to do it in your own way and at your own pace.  It sounds like people around you suspect it already and accept you for who you are - and that is something a lot of people do not have.  Hopefully this will make it easier on you, if you decide to open up to those you trust. 

[Km411]

Maybe I can write about this. I knew I was Bi from a young age, but there was no word for it then (or at least not one known to me); you were gay or straight. And gay was unacceptable.

My first experience with a boy was age 10 (might have been younger). He was several years older. (Given the age difference and that I was prepubescent, some might say I was abused. I wasn’t.) We played together for over a decade. At the same time, I was attracted to girls and dated throughout high school and college.

Without a word for this dual attraction, I was very confused about my identity. And same-sex attraction was unacceptable in my family and broader community. So I very literally lived two separate lives. This duality was the trauma.

Eventually, my relationship with this boy ended, I completed college, and I made the decision to live a “normal” life. I married, raised a family, and never looked back. 

Then, without any foreshadowing, my son “came out” as Bi. He was very proud of his identity and fully embraced it, and I was very proud that he could do so without inhibition. But it was also a moment of truth for me.

By this time my wife and I were living apart much of the time—still married and committed to each other, but each pursuing our own interests. So, about two years ago I decided to re-explore my physical attraction to men. This hobby was the perfect solution; I could do so on my own terms.

I’ve not “come out” (except in a limited way to my son and a close friend); it would hurt to many people. Long ago I made a choice, and I’ve decided to live by it. Yes, a duality persists, but now it’s intentional and I’m at peace.

I’m not one to entertain regret, but I do wish the word for my identity had been known to me when it mattered most. I imagine I might have lived one identity more openly, maybe similar to @pubic_assistance. But, we meander through life, share our experiences, and gain a broader understanding of ourselves and the human experience. I’m pleased to be a small part of that, and all is well.

[maninsoma]

9 hours ago, Wings246 said:

I’m 100% in the deepest corner of the closet, although I believe that my family and closest friends/coworkers all suspect that I’m gay.  After all, it’s not too difficult to guess when a middle-aged man has zero dating history with any female human beings.

The biggest hurdle is my family.  The irony is that I do have a very loving and supportive family.  This, however, as ridiculous as it may sound, is a double-edged sword.  I don’t know if they would mind or care, but I am certain the people around them would.  So I cannot get over (or even bear) the thought of bringing negative impacts to their lives.  I have no fear about the consequences of my own decisions and choices; unfortunately, I have crippling hesitations when my personal decisions and choices can and will affect the lives of those I love and care about.  I don’t know if this is just my lame excuse to rationalize my own cowardice.

My mother, given her age, is surprisingly open-minded (or at least she appears so).  She’s a die-hard fan of an openly gay superstar.  More than once, she has applauded the audacity of that superstar’s coming out journey in my presence.  I am not even sure if that’s her clue to encourage me to tell her something that we all know.  But I keep telling myself that “it’s OK if it happens to someone else’s son.  It will be a completely different story when it is YOUR son.”

Once in the not-too-distant past during a heart-to-heart conversation, my brother indirectly hinted at me that “we will love you and support you no matter what your decisions are about your life.”  At that moment, I fully understood that there was no ambiguity in what he was alluding to.  Still, I shied away from the golden opportunity to give the proper, ultimate response and pivoted the dialogue to something else.  I know, I know, I know — I am exhausted by my own weakness.

It’s funny that two of my best male friends are gay, one of which is openly gay and happily married to another man.  The other one is in the closet but is out to me.  Yet, I don’t have the guts to be honest with them; I don’t even understand myself.  They’ve even told me, on separate occasions, that they saw me as a mystery, that they didn’t even know who I truly am or what I really want.  I suppose the mystery will stay as is until I have the courage to face myself one day.

Sometimes, I’m so tired of myself and I feel people around me are tired of me.  Maybe I am constantly and needlessly fighting an imaginary battle against the worst enemy in the entire world: myself.

I don't know you or your family and friends so my reaction may be off base, but here's how I read what you wrote:

You have family and friends who are trying to tell you that they wish you would be more open with them about your sexual orientation so they could feel closer to you/know you better, but instead of allowing that to happen you continue to hide from them.  Your actions aren't actually protecting anyone (including yourself); they are hindering your ability to be closer with other people and, it seems, hindering your ability to accept yourself. 

[Km411]

53 minutes ago, maninsoma said:

I suppose the mystery will stay as is until I have the courage to face myself one day

In my view, it’s not a question or weakness or courage; it’s about having the tools needed to navigate these issues internally, e.g., self-acceptance. Coming out or not coming out is a personal choice, and I don’t believe one choice is necessarily better than the other for everyone under all circumstances. But one needs the right tools to make the correct choice for them. Develop the tools (e.g., seek counseling, read, etc.) and free yourself. It’s ultimately about being at peace.

[pubic_assistance]

1 hour ago, Km411 said:

.... I do wish the word for my identity had been known to me when it mattered most. I imagine I might have lived one identity more openly, maybe similar to @pubic_assistance.

Like you, I only understood the concepts of gay or straight. I was completely unaware of bisexuality until I was an adult. I also admire young people for their ability to be more open in choosing a sex life that best suits their personal needs, without the shame that people used to suffer.

 

[Rudynate]

In middle school and high school, I was one of those weird, introverted kids that nobody likes. By the time I was about 14 I figured out that I was probably gay.  I wasn't ashamed of it, but I knew I had to keep it a secret.  I had decided I was going to try male-male sex as soon as I could, and I started looking for opportunities.  I couldn't see how it would be harmful because I thought - if I don't like it, I don't have to keep doing it.

I met guys in high school, who, in retrospect were gay - there was a small group of very edgy guys - very smart, got good grades, but weren't interested in girls and liked to party and live dangerously - I realize now that they were all gay.

After high school, I joined the Army, partly because I didn't want to go to college right away and it was an easy way to get away from home, but I had also heard that the military services were full of gay guys.  It turned out to be true that the military was full of gay guys, but of course we were all closeted. 

I had various jobs after the Army and went to college.  I started being open and honest about my sexual orientation sometime during this period.  I started challenging straight guys who didn't like gays to explain what it was that they hated about gay guys.  It was interesting how often their animosity disappeared when they actually had to think about it and they realized there was no good reason for it.

I guess I was in the closet until I met my husband.   I had kept being gay from my family until I met him.   I had to come clean in order to introduce him to them.  Most of them think the world of him, but who knows what they say behind our backs?

Here, in the San Francisco bay area, sexual orientation just isn't an issue - and that's the way it should be.  You don't have to keep it secret but you also don't have to announce it or discuss it any more than straight people would feel called upon to explain themselves.  I realize it isn't that way everywhere. though.

[pubic_assistance]

3 minutes ago, Rudynate said:

I guess I was in the closet until I met my husband.   I had kept being gay from my family until I met him.   I had to come clean in order to introduce him to them.  Most of them think the world of him, but who knows what they say behind our backs?

In my experience with all my gay friends over the years....the establishment of a RELATIONSHIP tempers the fears of a LOT of parents about the homosexual lifestyle. Lots of mainstream people with little personal experience with gay men (and women) have many fears about the risks of stepping outside the lines of convention. The demonstration of a loving, caring relationship often clears the room of the kind of bias that mainstream people have about the risky, sexually charged life of many gay men.

I wouldn't be quick to assume they say anything behind your back. Just accept the acceptance they have for the fact that this man makes you happy. Thats what MOST parents care about most.

 

[Wings246]

4 hours ago, maninsoma said:

You have family and friends who are trying to tell you that they wish you would be more open with them about your sexual orientation so they could feel closer to you/know you better, but instead of allowing that to happen you continue to hide from them.  Your actions aren't actually protecting anyone (including yourself); they are hindering your ability to be closer with other people and, it seems, hindering your ability to accept yourself. 

I do agree with you.  This thought crosses my mind frequently.  Therefore, I feel I am probably creating an unnecessary obstacle for myself.

[+ purplekow]

On 5/20/2025 at 8:00 PM, Fitdljay said:

Deep in the closet 😔

So deep that he may be in Narnia?

[+ purplekow]

4 minutes ago, Wings246 said:

I do agree with you.  This thought crosses my mind frequently.  Therefore, I feel I am probably creating an unnecessary obstacle for myself.

From your description, you need to take a long hard look at yourself and figure out why you have passed up these opportunities with people you love and gay friends. It may be that you nned to look in that mirror and self acceptingly, fully come out to yourself and then go from there.  

[Wings246]

27 minutes ago, Rudynate said:

I guess I was in the closet until I met my husband.   I had kept being gay from my family until I met him.

This statement resonates so much with me.  I suppose I need a reason to change my status quo.  Finding / Having the right person will be the perfect push & reason I need to be honest.  The problem, though, is that it's more difficult to find / meet the right person if I continue to stay in the closet.  Is this the classic example of a the chicken-or-egg paradox?  Which one needs to come first?   😅