When to tell a provider I’m a virgin?

[SirBillybob]

14 hours ago, lostlonelysoul said:

Absolutely brand new to everything here.  By everything, I seriously mean EVERYTHING.

 

It’s embarrassing to admit, but I am a deeply closeted gay man and a middle-aged virgin (think of the title of the Steve Carell movie in 2005).  I have ZERO sexual experience with any human beings (never dated, never kissed, never held hands, never hugged/cuddled/touched anyone, male or female or anyone in between).

 

With the new year, I just realize I cannot die as a virgin.  The idea of hiring a provider hit me like a bullet train.  I started searching and researching on RM and came across this community/forum.

 

I have already messaged a few providers, but the initial contacts are still at the very early inquiry stage.  I have a few questions:

 

1.     When should I tell the provider the above background info about myself?  I read here that some providers may misinterpret the virgin label as a red flag for scams or “discounts” but I have NO intention of either.  I am afraid I’ll scare some providers away if I tell them too early.  On the flip side, if I tell them on the spot, some providers may be unprepared for or unwilling to continue with a newbie.  This is a dilemma.

 

2.     Will a 1-hour appointment be enough?

 

3.     Is it better to have an on-call or out-call setup?

 

Any advice will be much appreciated.  Thanks in advance.

 

{{{ lost lonely soul }}}

I suggest providing more detail here about your needs, wants, and resources, as well as fantasy life and self-pleasuring playbook if any, in order to reduce respondent assumptions other than that you are likely to loudly exclaim “Kelly Clarkson!” upon the first tweaking of your nipple. 

Edited January 27 by SirBillybob

[SirBillybob]

12 hours ago, Mk27 said:

If u story true (questionable) but ok   If true. You should consider massage guy w some extras to start and not full blown escort 

Are there half blown measures though?

[SirBillybob]

11 hours ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

On the contrary, it's very possible.  Virgins die all the time.

I believe the agenda here is ‘la petite mort’. 

[SirBillybob]

9 hours ago, BenjaminNicholas said:

He's a virgin, not Helen Keller. 

But known for resourcefulness, she may have had the better option of competent fingerspellers where it counts. 

Edited January 27 by SirBillybob

[ShortCutie7]

9 hours ago, moonlight said:

Yes. But I'm sure the OP knows, at some level, what he's been missing. He's been fantasizing about it for most of his life without acting on it. Surely that comes at a cost.

Exactly- the time of my life I was the most sex-obsessed was in the year or so up to losing my virginity.  It was basically all I could think about, and then once it finally happened it was a lot less consuming.  Given my personal experience, my advice would be to get it over with.  One piece that others haven’t mentioned yet is to make sure that the provider is fluent in your first language (whether it’s english or something else) so that you can communicate 100% effectively.

[whatdoidowiththisagain]

11 hours ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

Start here.  Go to a gay bar.   Meet some gay friends.  Go out to movie and dinner on a gay date.   Put down your screen and go outside and meet people

For a middle aged virgin, I think a gay bar would be the worst place to start. The poor guy will probably be so nervous. Gays are notoriously judgmental and even as a spry twink I always felt pressured to look a certain way, act a certain way, etc. Perhaps it's just a me thing but that's how I perceived gay bars. 

 

I actually think that seeing a provider is a great idea to start off. You control the situation, they are there to provide for you. And best of all, they're experienced and if you're upfront with them they will surely be happy to guide you. I would probably start with a couple hours. 1 hour go by so fast, especially when you're having fun exploring. Some providers will even let you have the option to extend the session if you ask them before hand if that's a possibility, so you could start with 1 hr and extend if you're having fun.

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

3 hours ago, whatdoidowiththisagain said:

For a middle aged virgin, I think a gay bar would be the worst place to start. The poor guy will probably be so nervous. Gays are notoriously judgmental and even as a spry twink I always felt pressured to look a certain way, act a certain way, etc. Perhaps it's just a me thing but that's how I perceived gay bars. 

Allow me to clarify: he should go to a Gay Bear Bar 🐻 or any Gay bar in a friendly city such as Chicago.

I forgot that there are bars in New York City or San Francisco or West Hollywood that are very clique, because I don't frequent those.  But as a middle aged obese man, I've always felt welcome at a Bear Bar or any Gay bar in Chicago with those fine Midwestern men and their values.  Nothing warms a man's heart like his first spit roast in the parking lot of a Gay Bear 🐻 Bar or in the basement of a Gay bar in Chicago.

Edited January 27 by Vegas_Millennial

[+ ApexNomad]

No one should ever feel ashamed for being a virgin. But I don’t think remaining a virgin automatically gives someone clarity or makes them immune to bad decisions. People mess up for all kinds of reasons, and that’s part of being human.

Sex isn’t inherently the problem—it’s how people approach it that can be problematic. When done with the right mindset and respect for yourself and others, it can be one of the most fulfilling and meaningful experiences. It’s not about losing anything; it’s about gaining connection, confidence, and understanding.

At the end of the day, it’s a personal decision. For some, staying a virgin feels right, and for others, exploring intimacy is part of their journey. What matters is making the choice on your terms, free from shame or pressure because that’s where real clarity and power come from.

I lost my virginity to a provider well over 40 years ago—a very different time from the tools we have now. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. We spoke on the phone beforehand, and I even met him in person before going back to his place. He was incredibly kind, patient, and understanding. I’m not saying he wouldn’t have been any of those things if I hadn’t told him, but I can assure you, the fact that I did share that with him made him treat it as every bit as special as it was.

In my opinion, it’s really important to be upfront about your needs and circumstances. While it might feel intimidating, honesty and transparency go a long way and it will also weed out the providers who don’t take the request seriously. I also think the advice about paying for a provider’s time as if it’s “date” is really solid. It can help calm your nerves and also give you a chance to see if this is someone you feel comfortable exploring your body with. What you want is a safe space, and I think finding that in today’s culture, and respectfully at your age, may prove difficult. There are many active providers here who can give you that safe space.

If hiring a provider feels like too much right now, consider starting with an erotic massage as a stepping stone, as others have said. It’s a great way to get used to human touch in an intimate, safe, and professional setting. You might find it helps you feel more relaxed and in tune with what you want from future experiences.

As for the idea that an escort will exacerbate your social issues by making it too easy, I disagree. A provider isn’t a permanent replacement for genuine social connection, but they can help you take an important first step. Building confidence and experiencing intimacy in a safe, judgment-free environment can be a stepping stone to opening yourself up to future experiences and relationships. For me, it was incredibly empowering and life-affirming.

I was VERY lucky with the provider I met. A true professional will meet you halfway, but you also need to be willing to do the same. It’s all about finding someone who respects where you’re coming from and works with you. Best of luck to you!

[+ sniper]

As someone who waited too long and whose first experience was not paid, I think I'd have been better off going the provider route. To put it bluntly, people at the bars aren't looking for a project for the most part. I think it's better to get the monkey off your back and then decide if you want to get in the dating scene. I second the suggestion of starting with massage just to get used to being touched.

Edited January 27 by sniper

[+ sniper]

Yes your first time ideally should be someone you care about blah blah blah but we're already past the point that's likely to happen even if he seeks it out and to be even blunter, the OP is at a stage where he doesn't know how many good physical years he has left. A decent fraction of men develop health issues in their 50s even if they DO live a healthy lifestyle. That aneurysm 20% of people have doesn't give a shit if you exercise and eat right. Do it while you can.

 

 

[Wings246]

Thank you sooooooo very much for all your sincere and thoughtful advices/perspectives.  I cannot express in words how much I appreciate your opinions.  I will keep your comments in mind and proceed accordingly.  Thank you once again!

[Thelatin]

Are you wanting to top or bottom?  That may affect how to proceed. 

[Simon Suraci]

Speaking from experience here. I am a provider. From time to time, virgins hire me for their first time and they absolutely loved it. Younger and older alike.

Last week, in fact, a 40+ yo virgin hired me for what some others here have suggested: a slow, go-at-your-own-pace approach with an emphasis on intimacy, trust, and feeling completely comfortable. Hiring a provider gives you the space and safety you need to explore your interests without judgment and take things at your own pace. It’s empowering. It helps build your confidence.

My client wants to have sex soon, but on his own terms. He hired me outcall for an hour of naked cuddling and chatting, which turned into two. Amazing how time flies with these things. He commented how amazing it felt to be naked, entangled with another man, without any pressure, expectations, or agenda. I gave him his first kiss, and it was magical. Then I gave him an hour of massage on my table. He was really happy. This was his birthday gift to himself.

I am a masseur and an escort. I happen to fit into the slim overlap of men who excel at both. Most of the time you have to choose between the two. Both options can be good. Fortunately for him, he likes both and gets both with me. The most important thing is hiring the RIGHT provider for you. That applies to any client, but especially for an inexperienced one.

For others reading, I personally recommend hiring an escort. Masseurs can be all over the map in what they offer and how they deliver service. Communicate clearly upfront with your provider about your situation and what you hope to get out of the experience. Be specific wherever possible. Seek out providers with experience specifically with virgins, who understand your needs and respect your boundaries. You need someone who really cares. Also, don’t rush. Consider hiring him to cuddle, kiss, or go on a date together. Take as many appointments as you need to feel comfortable. Consider longer appointments.

Some of us (myself included) offer companionship at a lower rate than typical sex work hourly rates. That may be best for some of the clients needing to start slow. You don’t have to “get it over with” in an hour. Your first time is special. You will remember it vividly for the rest of your life, and it will shape how you view sex and intimacy going forward. That’s a really special moment. Savor it. Don’t rush. Get the RIGHT guy. Only when you feel ready, that’s when you get to have sex for the first time. On your own terms, and for your own pleasure.

Then you get to take your new level of confidence and perspective and apply it to the “real” world of dating, friends, hookups, bars, or wherever you go. The value of that service extends well beyond however many sessions you hire. It follows you and benefits you as you navigate through the world. You can’t buy confidence, experience, or patience, but man does an escort smooth over a path for you to take hold of all the things in life you really want.

[+ ApexNomad]

46 minutes ago, Simon Suraci said:

Speaking from experience here. I am a provider. From time to time, virgins hire me for their first time and they absolutely loved it. Younger and older alike.

Last week, in fact, a 40+ yo virgin hired me for what some others here have suggested: a slow, go-at-your-own-pace approach with an emphasis on intimacy, trust, and feeling completely comfortable. Hiring a provider gives you the space and safety you need to explore your interests without judgment and take things at your own pace. It’s empowering. It helps build your confidence.

My client wants to have sex soon, but on his own terms. He hired me outcall for an hour of naked cuddling and chatting, which turned into two. Amazing how time flies with these things. He commented how amazing it felt to be naked, entangled with another man, without any pressure, expectations, or agenda. I gave him his first kiss, and it was magical. Then I gave him an hour of massage on my table. He was really happy. This was his birthday gift to himself.

I am a masseur and an escort. I happen to fit into the slim overlap of men who excel at both. Most of the time you have to choose between the two. Both options can be good. Fortunately for him, he likes both and gets both with me. The most important thing is hiring the RIGHT provider for you. That applies to any client, but especially for an inexperienced one.

For others reading, I personally recommend hiring an escort. Masseurs can be all over the map in what they offer and how they deliver service. Communicate clearly upfront with your provider about your situation and what you hope to get out of the experience. Be specific wherever possible. Seek out providers with experience specifically with virgins, who understand your needs and respect your boundaries. You need someone who really cares. Also, don’t rush. Consider hiring him to cuddle, kiss, or go on a date together. Take as many appointments as you need to feel comfortable. Consider longer appointments.

Some of us (myself included) offer companionship at a lower rate than typical sex work hourly rates. That may be best for some of the clients needing to start slow. You don’t have to “get it over with” in an hour. Your first time is special. You will remember it vividly for the rest of your life, and it will shape how you view sex and intimacy going forward. That’s a really special moment. Savor it. Don’t rush. Get the RIGHT guy. Only when you feel ready, that’s when you get to have sex for the first time. On your own terms, and for your own pleasure.

Then you get to take your new level of confidence and perspective and apply it to the “real” world of dating, friends, hookups, bars, or wherever you go. The value of that service extends well beyond however many sessions you hire. It follows you and benefits you as you navigate through the world. You can’t buy confidence, experience, or patience, but man does an escort smooth over a path for you to take hold of all the things in life you really want.

@lostlonelysoul my humble opinion, this is who you hire!! You need a provider exactly like this!  @Simon SuraciYou are the modern provider I had the first time.  Bravo to you and thank you for what you do.

[Hot4latin]

As I read this thread, I immediately thought of @Simon Suraci as the perfect “first” in this case. 

[jazeboy]

On 1/26/2025 at 10:31 PM, moonlight said:

But I'm sure the OP knows, at some level, what he's been missing. He's been fantasizing about it for most of his life without acting on it.

I am in a very similar position than OP. I am certainly not very experienced, but I offer this opinion, hoping that it might help OP and others in same or similar situations.

As an older virgin, or at least sexually-inexperienced guy, I assumed that I was missing out on 'sex'. Because I am uncomfortable with my sexuality (yes, I'm still stuck in that old-school way that I grew up in, but that's a different story), I only recently started allowing myself to experience intimacy with another human, and I did it in the gradual way of massage, sensual massage, erotic massage as many of the responses here suggest. It's been great to have physical contact with another human, but I understand now that this physical contact is really what I have been missing out on. Not 'sex' as such - we can satisfy that need on our own. But touch, connection, closeness is what we're missing. And while some providers are kind and supportive and empathetic, and can provide the illusion of these things, briefly, it is not real. It is, and remains transactional. (This is not a criticism to providers at all.)

And if you are lucky enough to find a provider that is kind and caring and supportive, and one who physically also enjoys your time together, there is the danger that you might interpret it as being more than just transactional: that you might think they could be truly interested in you as a friend, a human, a boyfriend maybe ... not just a customer.

I feel like I'm rambling a bit and I'm not really sure where I'm going with this ... but I just wanted to put it out there, for some context. I guess what I'm saying is don't hire someone because you think it will fulfill what you have been missing. I'm not saying don't hire ... I'm just saying that you should temper your expectations, be clear about what you want out of it ... and be clear about what you can actually get out of it. I have had some amazing massages / interactions, and I will continue to pursue those, but I have to remind myself that I should not confuse it for real human connection, that I should not misconstrue it for something it is not.

[polythome]

Practical advice: if it's your first time bottoming, don't go for the XXL dicks (many of them Brazilians). If it looks like it could hurt you, it probably will.

Go for an L dick, friendly and approachable 

Edited January 28 by polythome

[+ PhileasFogg]

I agree with taking the massage route.  Learn how to accept touch before you escalate to more intimate encounters

[d.anders]

Even if the thread is fake, it's fun and funny.

On 1/26/2025 at 10:00 PM, Monarchy79 said:

I say don’t do it and remain a virgin. 

The Catholic Church would love you. Look at the good abstaining has done for them.

On 1/26/2025 at 8:26 PM, BenjaminNicholas said:

You need to force yourself to make friends, go out, be social, fail, succeed.

I don't know the age of the OP, but it may be really too late for all that life.

On 1/27/2025 at 3:39 AM, Jamie21 said:

Tell them when you first message.

Good advice. I see lots of ads that say, "Great with inexperienced," or something like that. There will be a lot of guys who won't want to touch you. They won't respond to your inquiry. There may be just as many up for the challenge. No, one hour is not enough! Paid "dates" could be a ton of fun. When you meet the right guy, pay him to guide you through the process, and take it slow and easy. Don't worry about the cost. If you find the right guy, the cost will be worth the experience. Prepare to pay. Just don't fall in love with a provider.

At 14, I knew what I wanted and why, and I hadn't seen much porn, certainly not gay porn. My high school gym locker room and showers were enough angst for me.

Can't imagine the pain and loneliness of the closet. Can't imagine the pain of going through life without having experienced the joy of exploring sex. Yes, sex can make a horny man crazy, but I wouldn't want it any other way. Some of the best sex I ever had was crazy sex. Bring it on.

Edited January 29 by d.anders

[DunwoodyGuy]

On 1/27/2025 at 9:11 PM, Hot4latin said:

As I read this thread, I immediately thought of @Simon Suraci as the perfect “first” in this case. 

I did too. I was going to type "Get yourself to San Diego and hire @Simon Suraci.

As a matter of fact, after reading Simon's response above, I'm thinking of flying to San Diego and telling him I'm a virgin too!

[Wings246]

Dear comrades,

I am the OP, but I have changed my username from lostlonelysoul.  Details below.

Thanks for all your recommendations.  I eventually booked a 2-hour session with @Simon Suraci.  I have been eyeing for him on both RM platforms for weeks even before I made my post.  But his home base (SD) is way too far from me.  So I gave up until I saw his travel location coincided with my business trip.  It was meant to be.

Let me start by saying that his ad/profile pics definitely do not do him justice.  He is 100X hotter in person.  You need to see him for yourself.  Per your suggestions, I originally made a massage appointment, but as soon as I told him what I truly desired, he did not hesitate to switch gear and led me to the bedroom.

Needless to say, I was consumed by stress and anxiety initially.  He had a magical way to put me at ease.  Aside from being handsome & sexy as hell, he’s intelligent, funny, and kind.  Before I knew it, I had my first kiss, my first embrace with a man, my first time touching another man’s naked body all over, and…… I’ll let your imagination run wild to fill in the blanks (many, many, many other blanks indeed).

I was (and kind of still is) in a euphoric state for days afterwards.  Luckily, I have no important deadlines or projects on hand; otherwise, I’ll be doomed, for that session was the only thing I could think of ever since.

@Simon Suraci exceeded every expectation I have for my first rendezvous and I am so glad I made the right choice for my many, many firsts.  I bet he will forget about me very soon, but I am 100% certain I will remember him for the rest of my life.  Frankly, that was one of the most memorable experiences I have ever had.  I'll surely pay close attention to his traveling schedule from now on.

Thank you all once again.

No longer lost; No longer lonely (even though still alone); My soul has been salvaged; The gate of heaven has been unlocked; Let the wild ride begin + continue

[pubic_assistance]

On 1/26/2025 at 10:00 PM, Monarchy79 said:

And @pubic_assistance, I know you’re going to roll your eyes at me, so bring it. 😂

[CuriousByNature]

14 hours ago, 246sbsslc said:

Dear comrades,

I am the OP, but I have changed my username from lostlonelysoul.  Details below.

Thanks for all your recommendations.  I eventually booked a 2-hour session with @Simon Suraci.  I have been eyeing for him on both RM platforms for weeks even before I made my post.  But his home base (SD) is way too far from me.  So I gave up until I saw his travel location coincided with my business trip.  It was meant to be.

Let me start by saying that his ad/profile pics definitely do not do him justice.  He is 100X hotter in person.  You need to see him for yourself.  Per your suggestions, I originally made a massage appointment, but as soon as I told him what I truly desired, he did not hesitate to switch gear and led me to the bedroom.

Needless to say, I was consumed by stress and anxiety initially.  He had a magical way to put me at ease.  Aside from being handsome & sexy as hell, he’s intelligent, funny, and kind.  Before I knew it, I had my first kiss, my first embrace with a man, my first time touching another man’s naked body all over, and…… I’ll let your imagination run wild to fill in the blanks (many, many, many other blanks indeed).

I was (and kind of still is) in a euphoric state for days afterwards.  Luckily, I have no important deadlines or projects on hand; otherwise, I’ll be doomed, for that session was the only thing I could think of ever since.

@Simon Suraci exceeded every expectation I have for my first rendezvous and I am so glad I made the right choice for my many, many firsts.  I bet he will forget about me very soon, but I am 100% certain I will remember him for the rest of my life.  Frankly, that was one of the most memorable experiences I have ever had.  I'll surely pay close attention to his traveling schedule from now on.

Thank you all once again.

No longer lost; No longer lonely (even though still alone); My soul has been salvaged; The gate of heaven has been unlocked; Let the wild ride begin + continue

I'm so happy for you that you no longer consider yourself to be lost or lonely.  This greatly encourages me.  Now, to work on the alone, and for you to realize that even when you are not in a relationship you are never truly alone  🙏

[Joeysf]

Just want to say that's the loveliest thing I've read in a long time.  Good for both of you.

[d.anders]

On 2/6/2025 at 6:38 PM, 246sbsslc said:

No longer lost; No longer lonely (even though still alone); My soul has been salvaged; The gate of heaven has been unlocked; Let the wild ride begin + continue

Sounds a little too exuberant to me, but it's been a long time since I experienced a sexual first. Or maybe I'm just too old now to get overly excited about anything. When I hear someone mention "unlocking the gates of heaven," I think about death. Not a visit with Simon Suraci.