Moving Out/ Living Alone

[menaughty]

Hello y'all,

Something has been bugging me for a while and I would like to listen experiences of other people.

My mom was my only living parent that passed away 2 years ago, I live with my brother and his wife.

I am 29 (before you judge even though I am in USA I come from a different culture where living with family is not frowned upon even after 18)

 

Something just scares me to move out and live on my own.

Sometimes it's finances, even though I have a decent paying job.

Sometimes I think about health because recently I came down with bad health and my brother and his wife took care of me for two months.

I don't know what it is but I feel scared to move out but I do want to.

 

Did anyone here ever felt that way? What made you take the step to move out?

What were/are your struggles?

 

 

 

[+ Kman]

Of course it’s a scary thing at any age to move out and live alone. 
 

Take your time to look for the right place and that you know you can afford (monthly income should be 3x your rent) although I think a lot of places are lenient on that. 
 

Will you be staying in the same city as your brother and his wife? They could probably still help you if you had another health scare.  
 

Yes it’s uncomfortable but necessary 🙂

[Johnrom]

Look for a place close to your brother so you can see them for dinners and visits. Many cultures have close families. There are benefits such as more privacy s d quiet time.  But yes wait until you can afford it.  There are many expenses to consider. Make a plan and save some money first. 

[BuffaloKyle]

It really does sound like you enjoy the support system there that you are living with now. And if your brother and his wife are ok with you living with them then honestly why move. You do pay rent I hope to them or help out with groceries or bills. I'd be afraid if you lived on your own you could easily fall into loneliness or depression.

Edited August 4, 2024 by BuffaloKyle

[+ Charlie]

Most single American young men--particularly young gay men--are eager to move out on their own, away from the scrutiny of their families. It is considered a rite of passage to adulthood, and most American families understand that. However, you seem to be from a culture that considers a movement away from the nuclear family as a rejection of the family, and I think you fear that is how your brother will interpret your move. I think you should sit down and talk with him honestly about why you want to move out on your own (that may include coming out to him, but it doesn't have to), and reassure him that you want to continue to have a close relationship with him and his wife--you don't want to live with them, because you want to test and develop your ability to be an independent adult, and 29 is a rather late start.

Edited August 4, 2024 by Charlie

[BonVivant]

Freedom to live your life? Do you have it with your brother and wife? Can you be open about who you are?  
 

This can be a huge deciding factor. If you live independently then you are your own master and can live the way you want. Once I got a taste of that, there was no going back. 

[+ PhileasFogg]

Try it.   It sounds like if it doesn’t work, cultural biases will allow you to return. 

[+ nycman]

 

It’s time to leave the nest baby bird!

(actually it’s well past time, but better late than never).

[+ WilliamM]

On 8/4/2024 at 1:12 PM, Charlie said:

Most single American young men--particularly young gay men--are eager to move out on their own, away from the scrutiny of their families. It is considered a rite of passage to adulthood, and most American families understand that. However, you seem to be from a culture that considers a movement away from the nuclear family as a rejection of the family, and I think you fear that is how your brother will interpret your move. I think you should sit down and talk with him honestly about why you want to move out on your own (that may include coming out to him, but it doesn't have to), and reassure him that you want to continue to have a close relationship with him and his wife--you don't want to live with them, because you want to test and develop your ability to be an independent adult, and 29 is a rather late start.

I think many young men, not most young 

[soloyo215]

On 8/3/2024 at 6:21 PM, menaughty said:

Hello y'all,

Something has been bugging me for a while and I would like to listen experiences of other people.

My mom was my only living parent that passed away 2 years ago, I live with my brother and his wife.

I am 29 (before you judge even though I am in USA I come from a different culture where living with family is not frowned upon even after 18)

 

Something just scares me to move out and live on my own.

Sometimes it's finances, even though I have a decent paying job.

Sometimes I think about health because recently I came down with bad health and my brother and his wife took care of me for two months.

I don't know what it is but I feel scared to move out but I do want to.

 

Did anyone here ever felt that way? What made you take the step to move out?

What were/are your struggles?

 

 

 

All those were my struggles. Also in my case:

• making bad decisions,
• not having any roadmap to life,
• not having any mentoring, support, role model, good example, none of that
• not having any life skills,
• not having great interpersonal skills,
• trusting the wrong people
• getting ripped off with pretty much every service
• not knowing anything about money or management of the business aspect of life

So, yes, it's scary, yes, you will make big mistakes, yes, life happens, but in my case, also yes:

• I learned and didn't make the same mistake twice
• I don't put up with anyone's bullshit
• I have pride and a lot of self-respect
• I learned, thrived, progressed and prospered
• I am completely independent and self-sufficient, even as a married man

Something that seems typical of the newer generation is the fear of facing life on their own as adults. I don't blame young people for it, I blame their poor parenting under the misguided belief that discipline is abuse, resulting in lack of courage, along with a sense of entitlement, expecting things to just happen without efforts, and worse, thinking than doing the dirty work to earn your place in this planet is a bad thing.

I did go through hell and back, but all of it is better than buying into the notion of what this society seems to think my place in this world should be.

Life can be hard, but not always.

Best wishes and welcome to adulthood.

Edited August 6, 2024 by soloyo215

[ShortCutie7]

I’m in a somewhat similar situation to you, OP.  I’m a little older than you and have been able to live on my own for a few months at a time here and there when school and work made it necessary.  I am an only child and my father has been very very sick since I was a teenager (it is a condition that has not gotten worse but remained stagnant and he is completely unable to take care of himself).  I live with my mother to take care of him, and now my mother is sick herself, so I take care of them both.  Now that I’m in my 30s, I feel like I’ve never really had a “life” and completely missed the experiences others got to have in their youths.  It’s incredibly frustrating, but the reality is that even if I were to get a place of my own, I would have to visit my parents so frequently that I would still not have a true sense of freedom.  
I guess I have no advice, but since your brother and sister-in-law don’t need you in the same way that my parents need me, you have nothing to lose by moving out, even if just as a trial for a few weeks.  

[pubic_assistance]

On 8/3/2024 at 6:21 PM, menaughty said:

I don't know what it is but I feel scared to move out but I do want to.

I never liked living by myself. But that didn't keep me at home with my parents.

Get a roommate and move nearby your brother and sister-in-law.

I've always enjoyed living in situations where there was a house full of people. Fraternity in college, rented an entire house with four friends, then shared another place with several people in a large house. etc etc for years until I married, and now live with my wife and kids. There were only a few points in my life where I lived alone, and although I didn't suffer the fears you are experiencing, it DID occur to me that being sick and home by myself with no family nearby, WAS risky to a degree.  Living alone doesn't mean you need to be disconnected altogether from others.

[+ Charlie]

Although I have lived alone by choice from time to time throughout a long life, most of my life I have lived with others--family, friends, partners--and it has been many years since the last time I chose to live alone. However, my spouse will soon be moving into an assisted living facility, and for the first time in my life I will be living alone not really by choice. I am somewhat unnerved at the prospect, although I know I can do it. But I understand that if you have never done it, it can be a scary prospect, especially since you have experience actually needing to have domestic help from your family. Rather than think about all that could go wrong, embrace the opportunity to try it and test yourself now, when it is possible to do it. It won't be any easier if you wait.

[misterhumphries]

On 8/3/2024 at 5:21 PM, menaughty said:

Hello y'all,

Something has been bugging me for a while and I would like to listen experiences of other people.

My mom was my only living parent that passed away 2 years ago, I live with my brother and his wife.

I am 29 (before you judge even though I am in USA I come from a different culture where living with family is not frowned upon even after 18)

 

Something just scares me to move out and live on my own.

Sometimes it's finances, even though I have a decent paying job.

Sometimes I think about health because recently I came down with bad health and my brother and his wife took care of me for two months.

I don't know what it is but I feel scared to move out but I do want to.

 

Did anyone here ever felt that way? What made you take the step to move out?

What were/are your struggles?

 

 

 

Living alone has its challenges for some; it depends on one's personality (Do you enjoy your own company? Can you find comfort in solitude and silence at times?). But also consider the freedom that comes with living alone.

To test the waters, consider taking a hotel room, nothing too fancy but clean, for a weekend. For those two days, you are on your own in terms of what you eat, where you go, what you do and how you do it. You may want to make a rule to have no contact with your immediate family for those two days. See friends, go on a date or two. Or see no one at all. 

Wade  on into the waters of living independently; the water's fine.

[misterhumphries]

11 hours ago, soloyo215 said:

All those were my struggles. Also in my case:

• making bad decisions,
• not having any roadmap to life,
• not having any mentoring, support, role model, good example, none of that
• not having any life skills,
• not having great interpersonal skills,
• trusting the wrong people
• getting ripped off with pretty much every service
• not knowing anything about money or management of the business aspect of life

So, yes, it's scary, yes, you will make big mistakes, yes, life happens, but in my case, also yes:

• I learned and didn't make the same mistake twice
• I don't put up with anyone's bullshit
• I have pride and a lot of self-respect
• I learned, thrived, progressed and prospered
• I am completely independent and self-sufficient, even as a married man

Something that seems typical of the newer generation is the fear of facing life on their own as adults. I don't blame young people for it, I blame their poor parenting under the misguided belief that discipline is abuse, resulting in lack of courage, along with a sense of entitlement, expecting things to just happen without efforts, and worse, thinking than doing the dirty work to earn your place in this planet is a bad thing.

I did go through hell and back, but all of it is better than buying into the notion of what this society seems to think my place in this world should be.

Life can be hard, but not always.

Best wishes and welcome to adulthood.

What do you mean, "welcome to adulthood"? At 29, the original poster has been an adult for nearly a decade. There is the shirking of adult responsibilities, but that's a different topic altogether.

[Redwine56]

17 hours ago, Charlie said:

Although I have lived alone by choice from time to time throughout a long life, most of my life I have lived with others--family, friends, partners--and it has been many years since the last time I chose to live alone. However, my spouse will soon be moving into an assisted living facility, and for the first time in my life I will be living alone not really by choice. I am somewhat unnerved at the prospect, although I know I can do it. But I understand that if you have never done it, it can be a scary prospect, especially since you have experience actually needing to have domestic help from your family. Rather than think about all that could go wrong, embrace the opportunity to try it and test yourself now, when it is possible to do it. It won't be any easier if you wait.

My thought is that if we've been living with someone for most of our lives, it would be more difficult to live alone in our golden years.  This may be the time in our life when we need the support system of a partner more than ever and it may be difficult to be as independent as we'd like to be due to health reasons and other limitations.  It will be  important for you to maintain good relationships with trusted friends who will be there for your support when needed.  Good luck @Charlie!

[Redwine56]

20 hours ago, ShortCutie7 said:

I’m in a somewhat similar situation to you, OP.  I’m a little older than you and have been able to live on my own for a few months at a time here and there when school and work made it necessary.  I am an only child and my father has been very very sick since I was a teenager (it is a condition that has not gotten worse but remained stagnant and he is completely unable to take care of himself).  I live with my mother to take care of him, and now my mother is sick herself, so I take care of them both.  Now that I’m in my 30s, I feel like I’ve never really had a “life” and completely missed the experiences others got to have in their youths.  It’s incredibly frustrating, but the reality is that even if I were to get a place of my own, I would have to visit my parents so frequently that I would still not have a true sense of freedom.  
I guess I have no advice, but since your brother and sister-in-law don’t need you in the same way that my parents need me, you have nothing to lose by moving out, even if just as a trial for a few weeks.  

You should be commended for the dedication to your parents that you have endured since you were a teenager.  Being an only child puts an even greater burden on you since you don't have a sibling to share any of the responsibilities with.  I admire you and can relate since i was very much involved with my parents elder care.  I hope you can somehow seek some assistance even if you have to pay someone so that you can get to go out and have some relief once in awhile.  As they say, if the caretaker burns out, he or she cannot take care of anyone including themself.  Please think about YOU and your well being especially now that Mom needs care too. You are in a very difficult situation. Take care.  

[ShortCutie7]

2 hours ago, Redwine56 said:

You should be commended for the dedication to your parents that you have endured since you were a teenager.  Being an only child puts an even greater burden on you since you don't have a sibling to share any of the responsibilities with.  I admire you and can relate since i was very much involved with my parents elder care.  I hope you can somehow seek some assistance even if you have to pay someone so that you can get to go out and have some relief once in awhile.  As they say, if the caretaker burns out, he or she cannot take care of anyone including themself.  Please think about YOU and your well being especially now that Mom needs care too. You are in a very difficult situation. Take care.  

Thanks so much!  

[soloyo215]

12 hours ago, misterhumphries said:

What do you mean, "welcome to adulthood"? At 29, the original poster has been an adult for nearly a decade. There is the shirking of adult responsibilities, but that's a different topic altogether.

That's not what I'm referring to, don't change the subject,

[pubic_assistance]

12 hours ago, misterhumphries said:

At 29, the original poster has been an adult for nearly a decade. There is the shirking of adult responsibilities.

My drafting teacher in high school lived with his parents his entire life until their passing. He never married (was likely a closeted gay man) but rather than marry and raise children he cared for his elderly parents who both lived to nearly 100. I hardly think that caring for your family is a "shirking of adult responsibilities". It's merely a different choice of lifestyle.

[+ purplekow]

Living with a sibling can be tricky and there may come a time when he will want you to leave but will not ask.  I would suggest finding a place while it is your decision and you are welcome back should that not work out.  If you are asked to leave, should your independent venture fail, you will have to look for another safety net making that a much more stressful situation.  

[ICTJOCK]

Well to begin,  don't let anyone make you feel awkward for staying with family,  no matter what your age.    If  you are working and contributing to the household,  you have nothing to apologize for.

That said,   living alone can be very healthful.    You make decisions about your home,  your  stuff,  how you want to live and aren't obligated to others.    If it bothers you, and you can afford an apartment or home.    Rent or buy one and have family come stay WITH YOU  (are even get a roommate at your own place!    Much to consider.     I love having my own house,  but I had to take responsibility early,  but with years of school,  I lived "at home" until my early 30's.    I worked my butt off contributing as my mother passed when I was 24 and my Dad had some health problems.   

Good luck with whatever you choose.  You don't have to ever prove or explain anything to other people.

[+ JEC]

Growing up in a toxic family environment, I could not wait to get out and live on my own.....so off I went at 18.  I worked 2 jobs and put myself through college....and lived in some dumpy apartments.  There were plenty of struggles, and a lot to learn...but I never looked back or regretted my decision.  Living on your own is part of adulting, there are experiences you can only gain by living on your own, being responsible for yourself and not being dependent on anyone else.    I'm not in any way judging your position or your culture, just highlighting that there are a unique set of experiences which can only be gained by living on your own and supporting yourself.  Now, when I go back home to visit, I will occasionally drive past those dumpy apartments to remind me where I came from.  Good luck with your decision....!