Do Little Lies Matter When Dealing with a Provider?

[FaustOust]

Should I be concerned about a provider who has lied about his reason for being late,  shaved a few years off his age, or modified some details about his background, but otherwise provided a good experience?  While I think that each of us is entitled to a little bit of reinvention as life progresses, and in this case I assume the lies were designed to help build my positive impression of him, I am more concerned about the untruths around the delay/logistics of our meeting. In other aspects of my life, I have followed the principle that if someone is deceptive about small things, chances are they will be deceptive about the big or important things, too.  Should that standard apply here when, if you actually think about it, the whole transaction is based upon a sort of deception? Nonetheless, I think that I have to be able to trust a provider, a stranger whom I have literally invited into an intimate space of my life,  and the little white lies worry me, even when the overall experience was good.  How should I respond?

[TorontoDrew]

I don't worry about age.  As long as the photos are accurate I'm happy.  Other lies I worry about, especially when there are multiple.

I never host, but if I did, it would only ever be a provider who I have met with multiple times.

[maninsoma]

My answer is "it depends."

If the "white lie" was provided in order to cover up the fact that the guy just isn't attentive to time, I could overlook it as long as the delay wasn't too large.  In fact, hiring escorts was one of the things that caused me to become more relaxed in terms of arrival times since I had to admit that someone arriving right on time wasn't nearly as important to me as someone providing an excellent experience.  If the "white lie" is given to hide significant issues that would cause me to not want to spend time with the guy, then it matters. 

[SouthOfTheBorder]

in sexual context - “age-shaving” and dick size exaggeration now seems normalized among providers & app people.   if it’s not a wildly off-base, then probably ok.
if I know someone is lying outside of those two things - then it just creeps me out & I don’t want to be around that person. 

I don’t really need to know a lot about the providers personal story. the established guys I know keep it relatively focused & don’t really go there. so, if there’s an obvious lie involved, I’d question why that’s even a thing.  if it’s an ongoing relationship, then that’s different 

 

[pubic_assistance]

53 minutes ago, FaustOust said:

I think that I have to be able to trust a provider, a stranger whom I have literally invited into an intimate space of my life.

Yes. You do.

So draw a line around white lies and remember the definition is a harmless misdirection. 

Lies that are deceptions about more important issues ARE typically the tip of the iceberg.

Once a liar / always a liar.

[blck37]

IMO, all of providers and we as clients (and yes i am generalising here) lie. Some are of insignificant matters some are not. To the extent said lie is without malice, cause no harms and simply to not disclose certain personal aspect, i see no issues.

Whilst the act of sex is inately intimate, one not necessarily comfortable to be all open, close and personal. 

[Luvtalls]

 Calling out a provider for small white lies will set the stage for the session so unless I’m ready to send him packing I let it go. You’re not hiring someone for a long term gig so unless you’re really put off by him just make the best of it, he may surprise you during the session.

One time during a session the provider admitted that he listed his weight 30 lbs too low in his ad; that worked for me, I like them bigger and beefier.

Edited May 23 by Luvtalls

[+ DrownedBoy]

Just ignore it. You're paying him for an experience, not his moral hygiene, and even my favorite regulars shave their ages.

You called him a "stranger whom I have literally invited into an intimate space of my life." But you're a stranger to him too, and yet he's entering your personal intimate space alone. Be grateful.

[+ Charlie]

There are lies that will have no effect on your activity with him (does it really matter whether he graduated from Yale?) and lies that can have a serious impact on you (does he tell you that he has no health issues when he knows he has a venereal disease?). Pay attention to the ones that matter, and take the others with a grain of salt.

[Monarchy79]

News flash…

No one is 100% honest. 

[Monarchy79]

On the topic of “age shaving”. 
 

I’d care more about the age you APPEAR to be , rather than the age that you actually ARE… 

[+ KensingtonHomo]

1 hour ago, Monarchy79 said:

On the topic of “age shaving”. 
 

I’d care more about the age you APPEAR to be , rather than the age that you actually ARE… 

Same because I look 15 years younger 😉

[viewing ownly]

There's no reason to be so nit-picky when in essence you had a nice experience. He's providing a service, not trying to be your date. 

Word of advice if you see him again, though : Keep your concerns of his dishonesty to yourself. I lost out on a very long-term provider - nearly 10 years - permanently by feeling comfortable letting him in on a fake profile I used to be able to initially see him when he banned me. 

[+ APPLE1]

18 hours ago, FaustOust said:

I assume the lies were designed to help build my positive impression of him

I find that statement to be true most of the time. I have typically found it beneficial for any relationship to let the other party know that my impression of them isn't based on the specific factors of A and B, etc.

For example, if someone starts in on an explanation of "why" they were late, I usually interrupt with "the why isn't important. You were delayed, but you are here now. That's all that is important."

My experience has been that when people know I am not judging them on EVERYTHING, they are more relaxed, and consequently more honest about true details of themselves.

[BaronArtz]

What you are paying for, is an illusion. 

It is not a date.  It is not a job interview either.

Have a good time and don't sweat the small stuff,

Edited May 24 by BaronArtz

[maninsoma]

I know we've discussed age shaving a lot on this forum, but my rule is basically this:  5 years or so is acceptable for someone who can pull that off.  Much more than that and it begins to get into fraud territory.  A lot more than that and it's just downright silly.  There is an escort near me who hasn't changed his age in over two decades.  I don't care what kind of shape you're in or how youthful your face looks -- a man in his 60s is not going to pass for a man who is 39 years old except in his own deluded mind.

[Whippoorwill]

Unmitigated truth is overrated. I go for truthiness...kind of like monagamish. 

When Truth Is Overrated: The Advantages of Dishonesty | Psychology Today

WWW.PSYCHOLOGYTODAY.COM

---

It’s crucial to consider whether it’s kind to share something that might be too unsettling, scary, or...

 

[+ APPLE1]

3 hours ago, Whippoorwill said:

Unmitigated truth is overrated. I go for truthiness...kind of like monagamish. 

When Truth Is Overrated: The Advantages of Dishonesty | Psychology Today

WWW.PSYCHOLOGYTODAY.COM

---

It’s crucial to consider whether it’s kind to share something that might be too unsettling, scary, or...

 

That article is pathetic  road map for people to rationalize their poor behavior when they lack the balls to, or are too lazy to put forth the effort to, be honest.

The only key point that has any validity, and supports your statement on UNMITIGATED Truth, is "speaking tactically and tactfully to another is both polite and strategically beneficial in relationships." Even then, it bears pointing out that, softening the truth is dependent on the type of relationship you want to maintain.

[+ DrownedBoy]

15 hours ago, APPLE1 said:

That article is pathetic  road map for people to rationalize their poor behavior when they lack the balls to, or are too lazy to put forth the effort to, be honest.

The only key point that has any validity, and supports your statement on UNMITIGATED Truth, is "speaking tactically and tactfully to another is both polite and strategically beneficial in relationships." Even then, it bears pointing out that, softening the truth is dependent on the type of relationship you want to maintain.

I don't know about that. They mentioned a woman who had affairs on her husband. For a "monogamish" marriage, it may be better for both parties to stay ignorant, as long as you protect against STDs or pregnancy.

But I'm not sure I'd date someone who lied about their background to look better. In fact, I wouldn't want someone who brags about their real accomplishments all the time either.

[+ APPLE1]

12 hours ago, DrownedBoy said:

I don't know about that. They mentioned a woman who had affairs on her husband. For a "monogamish" marriage, it may be better for both parties to stay ignorant, as long as you protect against STDs or pregnancy.

But I'm not sure I'd date someone who lied about their background to look better. In fact, I wouldn't want someone who brags about their real accomplishments all the time either.

I think as long as everyone understands it's "monogamish, "  it's all good. I am not sure from the article, that was the understanding though. I agree that, while personally, I wouldn't want all the details, I would at least want to know that it's "monogamish" vs monogamous.

Likewise, in a dating relationship, there is a lot less dishonesty and ommission that I would put up with than in other relationships. I would certainly do the tactical and tactful dance much less often with someone I was dating than I would with friends, family, and coworkers. Honestly, most of the time, he's getting it hard, fast, and raw.

With the heteronormative slant, extrapolating my experience to the article is difficult, even beyond the concept of monogamy. I mean, can you imagine being with a man who let you go out in public looking like tragedy, simply because he didn't want to let you take time to fix yourself? He'd find himself single in a hot minute!

Edited May 26 by APPLE1

[soloyo215]

On 5/23/2024 at 10:32 AM, FaustOust said:

Should I be concerned about a provider who has lied about his reason for being late,  shaved a few years off his age, or modified some details about his background, but otherwise provided a good experience?  While I think that each of us is entitled to a little bit of reinvention as life progresses, and in this case I assume the lies were designed to help build my positive impression of him, I am more concerned about the untruths around the delay/logistics of our meeting. In other aspects of my life, I have followed the principle that if someone is deceptive about small things, chances are they will be deceptive about the big or important things, too.  Should that standard apply here when, if you actually think about it, the whole transaction is based upon a sort of deception? Nonetheless, I think that I have to be able to trust a provider, a stranger whom I have literally invited into an intimate space of my life,  and the little white lies worry me, even when the overall experience was good.  How should I respond?

I have asked a provider to wear a mini skirt and call himself "Anna". Clients pay for making some fantasies that they have, to come to live, and that involves all kinds of simple or complex background stories that may or may not be based on reality. So half truths, and no truths are quite common when it comes to the "content" of the experience.

When it comes to the logistics around the experience, I figure that some lies are just a way of letting me know that I shouldn't care for details or for things that don;t concern me, so I accept some lies out of respect for privacy or only who knows what. When there's a pattern of lying, when the provider is always late and with a different story every time, or when there are inaccuracies in what he says he provides versus what he's willing to do, then those lies are addresed.

I personally don't think that the "if someone is deceptive about small things, chances are they will be deceptive about the big or important things, too" applies to everything and everyone, I remember when I was young I used to lie a lot, out of inexperience in how to handle certain things and people, and it was to keep people away from my personal life and business. I was also protecting myself from people who never gave me a good vibe, or didn't look right to me. I also have a good BS detector, and depending on the circumstances, I might show or directly communicate that I am having a hard time believing what I'm hearing. However, for as long as I get what I need/paid for, I don't dig too much into what I am told, unless I feel that there migh be a threat. Important lies that I address are more around my personal safety, drug use, agreed-upon amount , agreed-upon service, or hygiene. Other than that, if I like the guy why should I care if he lied about why he was late once or his real age? I tend to look at the overall experience and the context.

Just my thoughts, not law.

[DWnyc]

On 5/23/2024 at 9:33 PM, Monarchy79 said:

News flash…

No one is 100% honest. 

Except me 😉

[hopeman]

For me, if a provider lies about his age, weight, height, hair/eye color and cock size, you can better believe I ain't gonna believe his posted HIV status and whether or not he's on PrEP, DoxyP or MonkeyPox'd. With these guys, there is no second visit.

I insist on condoms all the time, no excuses. Period. End of report.

I have a pet peeve about tardiness. At my age of 65, when I want it, I want it. I have canceled (and didn't pay) providers who textedor called to say they are running late. To me, that is unprofessional, no matter how good a lay they are. 

 

[+ APPLE1]

I do feel like anyone who is strict about punctuality, should let a provider know up front.

While I am normally on time for client meetings, I can also say that clients I see who are rigid on absolute punctuality, pay more. If I have to set aside a block of time ahead of them to make sure they get in my office at exactly 3pm, they are paying for that.

I remember years ago being chastised by a client who had to wait a few minutes. At our following appointment, I announced that he needed to stop talking, and it was time for him to leave my office. He was aghast. I explained that, I knew punctuality was important to him, and I was sure he wouldn't want to be the reason another client had to wait a few minutes. He had a different perspective on my punctuality for our subsequent meetings.

[hopeman]

Good point. I take it you're in the mental therapy business and not "social services"? 🙂