grace period

[RyanDean]

At this moment I find myself in that weird limbo that happens when the gent doesn't arrive at the agreed upon time... I've had my fair share of experiences being ghosted when it comes time to confirm, but I'm also realizing this might be my first actual experience in a very long time (possibly ever) being stood-up.

Context: new-to-me provider that received glowing/enthusiastic endorsement on this forum; very responsive via text on first contact a couple weeks ago and again when finalizing details a couple days ago; initially non-responsive to today's "final" confirmation text/s but did finally reply a few hours before planned meetup; waited for 20+ minutes in front of my hotel (*in* the NYC district he says he lives in) before texting again & setting an "if I don't hear back, we'll have to call things off this time" text... It's now 45-minutes with no word, so I'm officially calling it a no show. Sigh.

My question for y'all is:
What "grace period" do you typically afford a gent?

Today, for the first time, I found myself setting deadlines -- ie "If I don't hear back by ___ time, I'll need to consider canceling" -- which I don't think I've ever done before. Does that work for anyone?

I'm just curious about the wisdom of the group of this particular hazard of the hobby...

[jmichaeliii]

13 minutes ago, RyanDean said:

At this moment I find myself in that weird limbo that happens when the gent doesn't arrive at the agreed upon time... I've had my fair share of experiences being ghosted when it comes time to confirm, but I'm also realizing this might be my first actual experience in a very long time (possibly ever) being stood-up.

Context: new-to-me provider that received glowing/enthusiastic endorsement on this forum; very responsive via text on first contact a couple weeks ago and again when finalizing details a couple days ago; initially non-responsive to today's "final" confirmation text/s but did finally reply a few hours before planned meetup; waited for 20+ minutes in front of my hotel (*in* the NYC district he says he lives in) before texting again & setting an "if I don't hear back, we'll have to call things off this time" text... It's now 45-minutes with no word, so I'm officially calling it a no show. Sigh.

My question for y'all is:
What "grace period" do you typically afford a gent?

Today, for the first time, I found myself setting deadlines -- ie "If I don't hear back by ___ time, I'll need to consider canceling" -- which I don't think I've ever done before. Does that work for anyone?

I'm just curious about the wisdom of the group of this particular hazard of the hobby...

I normally outcall, so if they communicate an issue that is delaying them, I will try to be as flexible as possible.  Traffic around me can be a mess no matter how well you plan.  If they are late with no communication, 30 minutes and I'm done.

[Moke]

I usually give 15 minutes. 

[rvwnsd]

I usually give 15 to 30 minutes, depending on how far he is coming from. 

[BuffaloKyle]

I like to be super flexible as far as how much later than the time I booked for a session can be pushed back to account for delays. I prefer to host on nights where I don't work the next morning so if the provider is running a little late it's cool. Plus it always seems providers and even regular guys I'm having over after they text me and say they'll be there in 30 minutes it always ends up being 45 minutes to an hour later before they show up. Tough sometimes to account for traffic and my house is just a tiny bit hard to find sometimes. For some reason my house is not properly mapped on all GPS apps. As long as the provider is somewhat keeping in contact then I'm ok with waiting. Sounds like in @RyanDean's case though the provider just didn't wanna meet for some reason and didn't have a good reason. Sorry you got stood up like that. 

[DWnyc]

I typically apply the same rule as to non provider meets - I’ll say (unless it’s an immediate booking) “I’ll confirm before heading out  an hour before our appointment and won’t leave till I hear back”. I also request if they’re busy an hour before our time that they confirm from their end sometime before then. 

works quite well as it covers for most of the typical scenarios:

- something better came up but I can’t be bothered to tell you

- I’m partied out and have lost sense of time and commitments 

- I wasn’t realistic on when I’d be free and expected you would hang around but didn’t want to lose the booking 

- I’m so good the prior client wanted to extend so I couldn’t take your call 

If there’s no response I leave a voicemail and text so there’s a record saying given the time it will take me to get there if I don’t hear back within 10-15 mins we can consider the appointment canceled.

I’ve had a mix of apologetic call backs immediately / requests for a later time / abusive “you’re a flake” accusations and - “you’re so uptight … what’s half … one … one and a half hours to wait for the mighty moi”. As well as absolutely no response at all. 

My favorite recent excuse was “I was fine but my partner wanted reshoots for our only fans content so I got held up at the studio” 

 

 

[+ JamesB]

I typically allow 15 to 30 minutes, depending on the location and time of day. The duration also depends on the quality of their communication regarding the situation. I had a regular who always sent a screenshot of Google Maps showing the estimated time of arrival when he was en route. I valued this approach greatly, prompting me to adopt the same practice for in-call appointments.

[Thique]

Going silent is not OK. At the very least the provider should communicate if they are running late and an expected ETA. This communication should be sent before the scheduled meeting time. This is common courtesy and good business etiquette.

If there is no communication and no show, then I would wait no more than 15 minutes. Reach out to another provider or Grindr - as a bottom this type of behaviour is extremely frustrating given that I probably would not have eaten the entire day + spent a lot of time prepping for our meeting.

[Your Man in Arlington]

6 hours ago, Thique said:

Going silent is not OK. At the very least the provider should communicate if they are running late and an expected ETA. This communication should be sent before the scheduled meeting time. This is common courtesy and good business etiquette.

This! Communication is key, and 15 minutes without communication is my upper limit, as well.

Fortunately, all of my hires so far have been on time or communicative, even if just a few minutes late. I think the longest I've had to wait is 15 minutes. And, I've even had a few guys arrive "Japanese on-time" time: 5 - 10 minutes early.

One case that was somewhat different was a same day hire, who said that he would shower and head my way, but couldn't confirm an ETA. He seemed more worried about me flaking, as he spent his entire metro ride chatting with me over text.

[RyanDean]

Thanks, all. The consensus does seems to be that the combo of "no communication and no show" is the dealbreaker and that 15-30 minutes is a fair "grace period" in such situations. 

I did find that communicating the boundary of my patience ("if I don't hear back by ___") proved a sanity-saver for me yesterday, so I'll likely carry that forward.

And for those who might be interested:
The gent did ultimately contact me, about two hours after we were set to meet. His story -- if true -- would suggest that he simply had a very bad day, complicated by some truly bad luck. So I'm willing to accept that he may actually be legit, given the enthusiasm of other posters. As for me, I go back and forth on whether I believe the gent's story as I also take come comfort from the not-insubstantial pile of dollars that remain in my pocket.

[soloyo215]

14 hours ago, RyanDean said:

What "grace period" do you typically afford a gent?

Today, for the first time, I found myself setting deadlines -- ie "If I don't hear back by ___ time, I'll need to consider canceling" -- which I don't think I've ever done before. Does that work for anyone?

I'm just curious about the wisdom of the group of this particular hazard of the hobby...

Normally I don't have a set "grace period". In my opinion, you did good, communicating and letting the provider know that you are waiting, and providing ample time for him to respond. Seems appropriate to you, with enough time to hire another one if available at the moment. No respose from the provider could have been for a legitimate, fair reason, but if you haven't heard anything after, I think your grace period was appropriate.

Just to be fair, I have communicated the day after to see if there's a legitimate reason for the last minute ghosting. Things happen, so I give the benefit of the doubt. However, after that, if I don't hear from the provider, then either I was completely ghosted, or something major happened that makes the provider unable to communicate. I move on afterwards.

Sorry to hear. It sucks after so much discussion. Seems odd too, in light of there being testimonials about his quality, and because there was good communication before.

[+ DrownedBoy]

Like others said, I try to arrange my sessions so there's wiggle room. I tried hiring a guy right before an appointment, and told him that, and he still showed up 20 minutes late.

I'm also a looooot more tolerant if my regulars are running late. My regulars are all very punctual, so I know it's beyond their control, and they do text me.

Radio silence for 20 minutes or so, after the appointment time, will result in me texting them and cancelling the session. One time a guy went radio silent, then claimed it was because he couldn't find my place, and left 30 minutes early since he considered that "part of the session." I rubbed in the review I gave him on RM.

[dbar123]

It would be foregivable if his phone went dead but my guess is that’s not what happened. One cancellation without an excuse is a hard pass for me. Two back to back cancellations for any reason is also a hard pass

[+ Coolwave35]

On 4/20/2024 at 6:20 PM, RyanDean said:

My question for y'all is:
What "grace period" do you typically afford a gent?

Does that work for anyone?
 

Like a charm. Every time. In my view, it’s setting limits which is really important when hiring. If I’m not comfortable telling a provider it’s important that he’s on time, how can I tell him I like when he does xyz to my abc with his you know what. 
 

Also. Who was it? 

[RyanDean]

(I'll share the gent's name/profile via DM, if folks remain interested.)

[Jarrod_Uncut]

44 minutes ago, Coolwave35 said:

Like a charm. Every time. In my view, it’s setting limits which is really important when hiring. If I’m not comfortable telling a provider it’s important that he’s on time, how can I tell him I like when he does xyz to my abc with his you know what. 
 

Also. Who was it? 

Personally I don’t like this approach. Idk if this is someone you know already…but if someone texted me in that fashion, I would tell them: “if you think you can get to me faster, then maybe you should arrange an in-call.” I would just find it quite pushy.

Similar to another thread I have up, I think Grace periods can be done away with all together and traded for proper communication. My absolute pet peeve, is when a client tries to cancel in the middle of my commute, which can vary from 20 minutes in town to 5 hours when going to the next city. But it’s usually always an hour because I don’t have any gay, affluent men in my town. So I have to drive out Kansas City 2-3 days a week just to get bookings, unless I’m visiting a different city and have a hotel close by everything.

Imagine if an escort was rushing to reach a client, and then crashed and injured himself or someone else in the process? Because clients love to text, “are you close? Are you coming? Are you there? Okay just cancel and send deposit back” 😤 I doubt these guys were on their way to a client but, similar to this accident in Dallas the other month, shit like this happens everyday during “Rush hour”:

And contrary to belief, many clients contacting sex workers give lousy notice. They think just because they contact and ask for a time, that it’ll work. Then they wonder why the escort isn’t on time. And often times, expect it same day notice. Which is fine, but if someone wants a same day booking, they have to be willing to be patient…not bent out of shape over a 30 minute or even 2 hour delay.

That’s not a lot of time. Whenever I call dentist, eye doctor, car repair, etc etc: I often can’t even get an appointment in for at least a week. In St. Louis, I was waiting MONTHS just to see a specialist. By the time they were ready to schedule me, I either had to cancel or the ailment healed on it’s on. But there was definitely no, “U AVAILABLE TONIGHT?” 🙄 

 

What really gets me: are the ones who wait MONTHS/YEARS between texts, but then can’t be bothered to give the escort a few extra minutes/couple hours more time to arrive. Like hold: you haven’t contacted me since 2021. Now it’s an emergency? 

Edited yesterday at 01:21 PM by Jarrod_Uncut

[+ Coolwave35]

All of my hires typically go the same way. I only ever hire same day. It limits my options, but I am not the type of person who can meal prep knowing on Sunday that Wednesday I’ll want lasagna.  

When I set up same day appointments I am usually able to give 6-12 hours notice. I send a general inquiry asking if the provider is available “tonight.”  They choose the time that works for them, or they turn me down. If I’m asking the provider to pick the time, and not counter offering, or negotiating, then it’s my opinion that they should choose a time they can accommodate and then accommodate it.

Exceptions are last minute requests I make when I’m unexpectedly horny. Then my initial inquiry looks something like. “Hi.  I noticed Rentmen says you’re available, or I normally wouldn’t text at this hour. If you’re able to complete a 1 hour session by 2am tonight, I’ll pay you twice your fee as a thank you for making it happen.” And I’m ok if they’re later than they initially expected since they essentially had no time to plan. 

[Jarrod_Uncut]

27 minutes ago, Coolwave35 said:

All of my hires typically go the same way. I only ever hire same day. It limits my options, but I am not the type of person who can meal prep knowing on Sunday that Wednesday I’ll want lasagna.  

When I set up same day appointments I am usually able to give 6-12 hours notice. I send a general inquiry asking if the provider is available “tonight.”  They choose the time that works for them, or they turn me down. If I’m asking the provider to pick the time, and not counter offering, or negotiating, then it’s my opinion that they should choose a time they can accommodate and then accommodate it.

Exceptions are last minute requests I make when I’m unexpectedly horny. Then my initial inquiry looks something like. “Hi.  I noticed Rentmen says you’re available, or I normally wouldn’t text at this hour. If you’re able to complete a 1 hour session by 2am tonight, I’ll pay you twice your fee as a thank you for making it happen.” And I’m ok if they’re later than they initially expected since they essentially had no time to plan. 

Makes sense, and I know you’re well meaning so…I’m moreso referring to the “overall” impression when someone is trying to get someone to meet on the dot. 
 

However I can’t see how the rest of that conversation went earlier that you posted. I just think clocking the arrival to be there in that fashion might come off pushy to another provider, unless you know the guy and are just joking around with him.

Also for me, as stated earlier: I usually try to give a time window because of my commute to get to appointments. 12-12:30 is less stressful than trying to arrive by midnight. It’s amazing how much time I lose just stopping to get gas or stopping at traffic lights. What seems like 30 seconds, ends up adding 15 minutes to the commute. And since most client’s location isn’t a regular, everyday commute, there’s also the not knowing what detours/etc may lie ahead.

But this is also why I only do deposit Outcalls because, I would hate to travel out somewhere only to be stood up or cancelled en route. Last month: I arrived on time and in 15 minutes of a client calling me as I was already out driving around and nearby (another reason too I don’t answer calls or blocked numbers). Since he was so close, I didn’t even bother asking deposit. This imbecile had me going to a hotel, knocking on the door and wouldn’t answer. I left, he called me back again claiming he didn’t hear me knocking, and did the same thing 🤦🏾‍♂️ I even had to get the front desk involved by calling the room. No reply. 

Never again…

Edited yesterday at 01:40 PM by Jarrod_Uncut

[+ Coolwave35]

2 hours ago, Jarrod_Uncut said:

I just think clocking the arrival to be there in that fashion might come off pushy to another provider, unless you know the guy and are just joking around with him.

It’s totally pushy. It reads pushy and I agree with you. He brought it up after we had an incredible session and were all finished.   He said “I wasn’t sure how this was going to go with your “not 12:07” text message”. And then we laughed about it. But he, like all of the others, got there on time.  

[Jamie21]

I prefer clarity. If the time agreed is 1:30 then if it’s an outcall I aim to be there at 1:30. I’ll check the location and for example if I’m visiting his hotel then I’ll get there early and I can sit in the lounge until the time. If the client is coming to me and we agree a 1:30 start time then I’m ready and waiting at 1:30. It’s really simple. The time agreed is the time to be there. If you’re unavoidably late then communicate it. 
 

[+ DrownedBoy]

I usually give an arrival grace period of 30 minutes. My regulars know I'll ask for an ETA after 15 minutes, so they always tell me ahead of time.

If a provider can't do that, he's free to find another client to get money from. Just not me.

[Whippoorwill]

As someone told me when I moved to SF, there is no such thing as being late for work here. You get there when the bus gets you there. That being said, it is the responsibility of the traveler (whether client or provider) to allow for "normal" traffic delays. As a client, I sometimes arrive fifteen minutes early, in which case I walk around the block or find a place to surf the net, until I ring the doorbell at the appointed time. For a purely social date like lunch with a friend, (not a business date where the provider has a schedule and likely multiple clients thoughout the day), fifteen minutes after the appointed tim constitutes "on time." And today it is so easy to text with ETA, it's just common curtesy. 

[SouthOfTheBorder]

8 hours ago, Coolwave35 said:

When I set up same day appointments

this the key - not setting things up too far in advance.  same day or day before at the most.

and limit contact with provider to things only necessary for appointment.  OP story sounds cumbersome for a simple appointment.

no excuse for the ghosting tho 

[RyanDean]

Same day appointments are not really an option for me, since my circumstances require a bit of advance planning. (Plus, my two all-time worst experiences have come from same-day hires, so I'm always wary there.) My approach usually involves a total of 6-8 text messages between me and the gent and this is the method I've found most reliably effective in my now 10 years of hiring. A good portion (about half of the guys) say they appreciate or prefer the advance notice, so -- once again -- different strokes...

[+ Coolwave35]

2 hours ago, SouthOfTheBorder said:

and limit contact with provider to things only necessary for appointment. 

Agreed.