For those in relationships with someone with less income. How…?

[+ 7829V]

For those in a relationship with someone with considerable less income. How do you manage your finances? What expenses do you share? What expenses you pay for 100%? 

[samhexum]

2 hours ago, 7829V said:

For those in a relationship with someone with considerable less income. How do you manage your finances? What expenses do you share? What expenses you pay for 100%? 

Perhaps you should just realize you have too much money to know how to relate to people who don't.

 

[pubic_assistance]

14 hours ago, samhexum said:

Perhaps you should just realize you have too much money to know how to relate to people who don't.

It does.seem to be a theme.

I have never run into these problems because I am aware of what each of my friends are capable of paying for. So I adjust plans accordingly.

For example an artist friend of mine invited me to an off-Broadway show for which she got free tickets through a lottery system. I picked up the tab for dinner. I paid $150 / she paid nothing. But she invited me to an interesting event none-the-less. Does it really matter that you go toe-to-toe on the cash ? I think with all relationships whether it's friends or live-in-lovers; it's about equal effort, not equal numbers.

Edited December 11, 2023 by pubic_assistance
punctuation

[marylander1940]

15 hours ago, samhexum said:

Perhaps you should just realize you have too much money to know how to relate to people who don't.

 

What would we do without you being our de facto searching secretary? 

[+ 7829V]

15 hours ago, samhexum said:

Perhaps you should just realize you have too much money to know how to relate to people who don't.

 

Honestly, I didn't recall this post; it seems to be a recurring theme in my life. Currently, I'm in a long-term relationship where my partner's income is considerably less than mine. While he offers to contribute to household expenses, I consistently decline, reassuring him there's no need to worry. However, I've been contemplating the idea that he could cover specific expenses or perhaps create a "going out" fund. For instance, for every $100 he contributes, I could contribute $300, or a similar arrangement. I'm interested in learning from those in long-term relationships with income discrepancies how they have navigated situations like this.

[SFGateboy]

5 minutes ago, 7829V said:

Honestly, I didn't recall this post; it seems to be a recurring theme in my life. Currently, I'm in a long-term relationship where my partner's income is considerably less than mine. While he offers to contribute to household expenses, I consistently decline, reassuring him there's no need to worry. However, I've been contemplating the idea that he could cover specific expenses or perhaps create a "going out" fund. For instance, for every $100 he contributes, I could contribute $300, or a similar arrangement. I'm interested in learning from those in long-term relationships with income discrepancies how they have navigated situations like this.

I think the percentage or "ratio" allocation is a really good way to go. When my partner and I bought our first home together, we sat down and took a long look at all our finances and figured that I made about 65% of our total household income. We then figured out what our monthly expenses would be (including everything averaged out over the course of the year, like property taxes and insurance). With that number in hand, we took 65% of the total, and that's how much I contributed, and he contributed 35%. We've been adjusting it every so often since, and it's never been a problem. 

[+ 7829V]

52 minutes ago, SFGateboy said:

I think the percentage or "ratio" allocation is a really good way to go. When my partner and I bought our first home together, we sat down and took a long look at all our finances and figured that I made about 65% of our total household income. We then figured out what our monthly expenses would be (including everything averaged out over the course of the year, like property taxes and insurance). With that number in hand, we took 65% of the total, and that's how much I contributed, and he contributed 35%. We've been adjusting it every so often since, and it's never been a problem. 

Thanks for your feedback, I'm glad this approach has worked for you! If you have any other ideas or advice, let me know.

[Bokomaru]

Just about any approach can work as long as there is open and honest two-way communication. Cliche, but true.

I pay for 100% of everything in my decades-long relationship. (Heh, love makes you do crazy things, haha!). But I’m very careful to acknowledge any resentment, first to myself, then voicing it to him so that we can talk it through.
 

Agree the terms that you are comfortable with, and if you find something isn’t working, address it quickly, before it festers. 

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

6 hours ago, SFGateboy said:

I think the percentage or "ratio" allocation is a really good way to go. When my partner and I bought our first home together, we sat down and took a long look at all our finances and figured that I made about 65% of our total household income. We then figured out what our monthly expenses would be (including everything averaged out over the course of the year, like property taxes and insurance). With that number in hand, we took 65% of the total, and that's how much I contributed, and he contributed 35%. We've been adjusting it every so often since, and it's never been a problem. 

 

51 minutes ago, Bokomaru said:

Just about any approach can work as long as there is open and honest two-way communication. Cliche, but true.

I pay for 100% of everything in my decades-long relationship. (Heh, love makes you do crazy things, haha!). But I’m very careful to acknowledge any resentment, first to myself, then voicing it to him so that we can talk it through.
 

Agree the terms that you are comfortable with, and if you find something isn’t working, address it quickly, before it festers. 

I like the income ratio method, and it's recommended by Suze Ormon.  It worked well in my most recent relationship... Until it didn't.

Originally I made about 3 times more than he, and it worked well for us to let him pick up the check for every 4th dinner out, and for every 4th Uber ride, and every 4th movie ticket, etc.   But when he quit his job and moved across the country for us to live together and him go back to school, the tension became too much for each of us: Him because he didn't like having to ask me for everything, and me because I didn't like having to pay for his "wants" when I was struggling to cover both of our "needs".  That situation festered for a few months until we tried to discuss it via text message instead of in person -- which is the wrong way to do it.

I bring up this experience to say I like what both @SFGateboyand @Bokomaruhave to say.

[+ purplekow]

6 hours ago, 7829V said:

Honestly, I didn't recall this post; it seems to be a recurring theme in my life. Currently, I'm in a long-term relationship where my partner's income is considerably less than mine. While he offers to contribute to household expenses, I consistently decline, reassuring him there's no need to worry. However, I've been contemplating the idea that he could cover specific expenses or perhaps create a "going out" fund. For instance, for every $100 he contributes, I could contribute $300, or a similar arrangement. I'm interested in learning from those in long-term relationships with income discrepancies how they have navigated situations like this.

Here's an idea, stop worrying about the money.  Let him pay the bills he offers to pay.  If you like, you can pay the whole bill and put his money aside and save up for a great vacation.  Value the person and respect his financial limitations.  Also, hope he is not writing in and saying, my live in is wealthy and while he satisfies my financial needs, he does not fulfill my sexual needs. Each partner brings something different to the table, the bank and the bedroom.  They should do so in a spirit of love and caring without counting who is giving what.  

Edited December 11, 2023 by purplekow

[+ 7829V]

2 hours ago, purplekow said:

Here's an idea, stop worrying about the money.  Let him pay the bills he offers to pay.  If you like, you can pay the whole bill and put his money aside and save up for a great vacation.  Value the person and respect his financial limitations.  Also, hope he is not writing in and saying, my live in is wealthy and while he satisfies my financial needs, he does not fulfill my sexual needs. Each partner brings something different to the table, the bank and the bedroom.  They should do so in a spirit of love and caring without counting who is giving what.  

Thanks for your insight. Brings a different perspective and I like it. 

[+ nycman]

I’ve been on both sides of this equation. There is no simple answer but if you’re the one with the money, I suggest you get used to giving with an open hand or it’s never gonna work. I was a big fan of the "ratio method", unfortunately it always seems to end up incentivizing the person paying the smaller ratio to work less and less. Now I’m a fan of the "live your life method". Just get used to paying and stop worrying about how he’s wasting his/your money. You’ll both be happier in the end. If you can’t do that with him, then he’s not the man for you. Keep looking. 

Strangely enough, when I learned to let go of the reins and just enjoy the ride, the other person seemed to spend less and depend on me less as opposed to when I tried to control everything. As always YMMV, but happiness has a cost. Get used to paying for it. 

[+ Charlie]

When my spouse and I first met, he had a higher income than I did. Fifty-five years later, my income is higher than his. But we have always used the same method of managing money. Anything that is equally shared, like house, utilities, car, etc., we have always split equally, which meant that we never bought or contracted for anything we used together that would be too much of a strain for one of us to afford. Anything that was in both names was equally paid for. That was also true when we traveled together, unless it was a trip that both of us wanted, and the one who wanted it most was willing to pay a larger share of the cost to make it happen. We also both traveled a lot separately, and each of us then paid his own way. We never expected to pay for one another's personal items, whether it was clothing or sexual adventures. To account for the differential in income, we each maintained separate assets, like investments, retirement accounts, and the like, with each of us named in our wills as eventual beneficiary of the other's personal assets.

We have a couple of friends who have been together as long as we have. One of them always had much more money than the other. After a rocky start for a few years, they solved the problem by not living together, with each one responsible for all his own expenses, and sharing only expenses for joint travel and entertainment. One owns a huge condo on Manhattan's East Side, while the other rents a small one-bedroom apartment elsewhere, and each is psychologically satisfied with his financial independence.

Edited December 11, 2023 by Charlie

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

11 minutes ago, Charlie said:

We have a couple of friends who have been together as long as we have. One of them always had much more money than the other. After a rocky start for a few years, they solved the problem by not living together, with each one responsible for all his own expenses, and sharing only expenses for joint travel and entertainment. One owns a huge condo on Manhattan's East Side, while the other rents a small one-bedroom apartment elsewhere, and each is psychologically satisfied with his financial independence.

💕 I Love this

[Simon Suraci]

47 minutes ago, Charlie said:

When my spouse and I first met, he had a higher income than I did. Fifty-five years later, my income is higher than his. But we have always used the same method of managing money. Anything that is equally shared, like house, utilities, car, etc., we have always split equally, which meant that we never bought or contracted for anything we used together that would be too much of a strain for one of us to afford. Anything that was in both names was equally paid for. That was also true when we traveled together, unless it was a trip that both of us wanted, and the one who wanted it most was willing to pay a larger share of the cost to make it happen. We also both traveled a lot separately, and each of us then paid his own way. We never expected to pay for one another's personal items, whether it was clothing or sexual adventures. To account for the differential in income, we each maintained separate assets, like investments, retirement accounts, and the like, with each of us named in our wills as eventual beneficiary of the other's personal assets.

We have a couple of friends who have been together as long as we have. One of them always had much more money than the other. After a rocky start for a few years, they solved the problem by not living together, with each one responsible for all his own expenses, and sharing only expenses for joint travel and entertainment. One owns a huge condo on Manhattan's East Side, while the other rents a small one-bedroom apartment elsewhere, and each is psychologically satisfied with his financial independence.

The finances in my relationship are much the same way as you handle yours. It works well for us. We’ve lived together and apart over the years. We’re happier living togther, and we own everything together equally and pay for it equally, even when his income was higher or mine was higher. It changes over time. The little things like groceries we don’t nickel and dime each other. The main big stuff is 50/50. 

[soloyo215]

On 12/10/2023 at 3:28 PM, 7829V said:

For those in a relationship with someone with considerable less income. How do you manage your finances? What expenses do you share? What expenses you pay for 100%? 

In my marriage, the income difference has changed several times. Soon after we moved in together he was laid off, then I made a few poor career decisions, then he got a job and I was working part-time only, then my career went in steroids and my income quadrupled in the first year, then his union got him a 22% salary increase, then he got an inheritance, then I got an inheritance... I mean, at this point in our relationship it's hard to keep track of who was making more than the other at a given moment.

What we had was the attitude that there isn't such thing as "your money is paying for this" or "my money is paying for that". Just because the bills were paid from my bank account doesn't mean that "my money paid for it". If he doesn't do his part, I can't do mine. Without his contribution I'm unable to make mine. It really is a collaboration. Of course, we both have our "me money", but we are very clear and transparent about money and finances.

It also helps that we have the same views and attitudes about spending, incurring in debt and buying habits. In fact, it was a little odd, but I remember that in our first date we actually talked about money and spending habits. We trust each other since our commitment is about being responsible in every aspect of ourselves as individuals and in our relationship, and trusting that the other is going to make responsible decisions about everything, including money, sex, career, and everything else. So far, never had any money-related issues.

Edited December 12, 2023 by soloyo215

[nate_sf]

My arrangement is similar to those described by @Charlie and @Simon Suraci. When we first met, his income was much higher than mine. Mine is now a bit higher than his. At one point we added up all of the joint expenses, figured out who had which account in whose name, and figured out what the differential is. I pay more of the monthly payments like the mortgage, PG&E, insurance etc., so he transfers funds into my account at the beginning of the month to cover his share and provide me with enough money to pay those bills. Groceries, restaurants, entertainment etc. are more on the honor system, we trade off unless it becomes unusually out of balance. Sometimes he'll let me know he's bought most of the groceries for a while, so I'll transfer some money back, or vice versa, but we're not keeping close tabs.