Birthday gift-giving etiquette these days ?

[Ali Gator]

Can anyone tell me what is the proper gift-giving etiquette these days when celebrating someone's milestone birthday ? Here are recent experiences I have had this week..

This past Wednesday, I celebrated my 60th Birthday. I didn't want to have a big celebration  (I prefer small gatherings where I can spend time with those invited) so this is what was planned for the week...

Last Saturday, my sister took me to a beautiful restaurant and asked me to invite whomever I wanted (she was very generously paying for everyone). This was planned back in late October, and I decided on two family friends (Mary and Joan) who were visiting the area for the holiday weekend, and we haven't seen in quite a few years (but we keep in touch on Facebook). We were very close growing up with these two sisters, and it was wonderful having them at this intimate birthday dinner, sharing plenty of laughs and the four of us reminiscing and catching up. Mary and Joan are in their early 60s, professional women who are both doing very well in their careers (they are not hurting financially). I was very surprised that they showed up empty-handed - coming to a 60th birthday dinner at an elegant restaurant, and neither one brought a gift for the birthday boy. These days its so easy to pick up a gift card and put it in a birthday card - I received nothing from either woman (not even a card). I mentioned this to my sister (she's 62) and she wasn't too surprised - she said she's been to many 'milestone' birthday dinners / parties where she is one of the few who shows up with a gift these days.

 

On Tuesday, my friend Lori took me out for my birthday (another beautiful restaurant, one of my favorites) and also invited another friend of mine, Trish. (Lori and Trish are friends, but not that close.) Both women are 62. Again, I was shocked when Trish showed up empty-handed; nothing for me for my 60th birthday. I've been friends with her since college (40 years), and again she's not hurting financially (she inherited an estate worth over $3M about ten years ago). My friend Lori must've noticed she showed up empty handed, because on Wednesday morning she called and asked if Trish had brought a gift for me that she didn't see at the table - I told her no, she gave me nothing. Lori was just as shocked. 

 

Over the years, whenever I've been invited to anything (not just a milestone birthday) , I've always brought a card and gift for the guest of honor (birthday boy / girl, retiree, etc.).  If it's a holiday gathering I always bring a host / hostess gift. I would never think of showing up empty handed. But this week has been quite a learning experience for me.

Is it now proper etiquette to show up at a birthday celebration and not show up with a gift for the guest of honor ? 

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

15 minutes ago, Ali Gator said:

Can anyone tell me what is the proper gift-giving etiquette these days when celebrating someone's milestone birthday ? Here are recent experiences I have had this week..

This past Wednesday, I celebrated my 60th Birthday. I didn't want to have a big celebration  (I prefer small gatherings where I can spend time with those invited) so this is what was planned for the week...

Last Saturday, my sister took me to a beautiful restaurant and asked me to invite whomever I wanted (she was very generously paying for everyone). This was planned back in late October, and I decided on two family friends (Mary and Joan) who were visiting the area for the holiday weekend, and we haven't seen in quite a few years (but we keep in touch on Facebook). We were very close growing up with these two sisters, and it was wonderful having them at this intimate birthday dinner, sharing plenty of laughs and the four of us reminiscing and catching up. Mary and Joan are in their early 60s, professional women who are both doing very well in their careers (they are not hurting financially). I was very surprised that they showed up empty-handed - coming to a 60th birthday dinner at an elegant restaurant, and neither one brought a gift for the birthday boy. These days its so easy to pick up a gift card and put it in a birthday card - I received nothing from either woman (not even a card). I mentioned this to my sister (she's 62) and she wasn't too surprised - she said she's been to many 'milestone' birthday dinners / parties where she is one of the few who shows up with a gift these days.

 

On Tuesday, my friend Lori took me out for my birthday (another beautiful restaurant, one of my favorites) and also invited another friend of mine, Trish. (Lori and Trish are friends, but not that close.) Both women are 62. Again, I was shocked when Trish showed up empty-handed; nothing for me for my 60th birthday. I've been friends with her since college (40 years), and again she's not hurting financially (she inherited an estate worth over $3M about ten years ago). My friend Lori must've noticed she showed up empty handed, because on Wednesday morning she called and asked if Trish had brought a gift for me that she didn't see at the table - I told her no, she gave me nothing. Lori was just as shocked. 

 

Over the years, whenever I've been invited to anything (not just a milestone birthday) , I've always brought a card and gift for the guest of honor (birthday boy / girl, retiree, etc.).  If it's a holiday gathering I always bring a host / hostess gift. I would never think of showing up empty handed. But this week has been quite a learning experience for me.

Is it now proper etiquette to show up at a birthday celebration and not show up with a gift for the guest of honor ? 

Over the past ten years, different friends of mine have invited a group of friends of my choosing for dinner to celebrate my birthday.  Sometimes one person may have brought a gift, but most did not.  The only thing that was a gift was that they all chipped in to split the bill to cover the cost of my dinner.

Similarly, I have friends who host a pool party for their birthday every year.  Most people do not bring gifts.

And if I got married at this age, after already having set up house for myself, I would not even expect gifts at a wedding.

Sometimes I might show up with flowers or a bottle of wine if invited to a home cooked holiday dinner.  Other times I might come empty handed.

I am happy with this trend.  I remember the company, not the gifts.  The few gifts I did receive we so rare and thoughtful that I still remember them.  One was a homemade gift basket of food products invented the year I was born.  That was so much better than a gift card that I would have lost by now.

[Ali Gator]

I can understand if everyone chipped in for the bill. Yet in my case, one person (first my sister, then my friend Lori) took care of everything - which was a very generous gift on their part.  I guess I'm learning about gift-giving (thanks for posting your experiences) and will be changing how I attend parties going forward (I'll be saving a lot of money). 

[maninsoma]

I only get actual gifts for two people at this point in my life. For many people, just paying for their birthday dinner and then them paying for mine constitutes the gift giving.  I much prefer this because gift cards aren't personal anyway (you're basically just exchanging cash with friends that is already tied up with a specific retailer) and there isn't much that anyone can buy me that I want that I don't already own (within reason, I mean -- I'm not so wealthy that any of my friends would spend several thousand dollars on a gift).

For people who are just visiting your area, lessening the chance that they will reciprocate and pay for the host's birthday dinner at some point, I can understand your disappointment in their manners but even if they had bought a gift for you you would be the beneficiary, not the person who bought their meal.

[Ali Gator]

Quote

"For many people, just paying for their birthday dinner and then them paying for mine constitutes the gift giving. "

I agree: This is what I usually do with friends as well (especially the past thirty years or so) .  It's so much easier and better with a one-on-one dinner. A few friends are taking me out this weekend and next week (just the two of us) to celebrate my 60th. 

Quote

For people who are just visiting your area, lessening the chance that they will reciprocate and pay for the host's birthday dinner at some point, I can understand your disappointment in their manners but even if they had bought a gift for you you would be the beneficiary, not the person who bought their meal.

I disagree: Who cares who bought their meal ? They were at a birthday dinner for me - I was the guest of honor, who receives the gift. They can reciprocate with the host (my sister) on her birthday. 

[MscleLovr]

37 minutes ago, Ali Gator said:

Who cares who bought their meal ? They were at a birthday dinner for me - I was the guest of honor, who receives the gift

I guess there may be cultural or class differences at play here.

As an adult,  I would not expect a gift in these circumstances.

I would only take a gift if the celebration were for a small child.

As a guest, I might have a word in private with the person paying to see if I might contribute (or choose and pay for the wine).

 

1 hour ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

I might show up with flowers.…if invited to a home cooked holiday dinner

I was taught never to do this. The reason being that the last thing a host/ess wants at such a time is to have to find a vase, trim stems etc before putting the flowers in water. I was taught that the proper way to show appreciation was to send flowers the next day. 

[pubic_assistance]

19 hours ago, MscleLovr said:

As an adult,  I would not expect a gift in these circumstances.

I would only take a gift if the celebration were for a small child.

I agree.

Gift giving was always something you did for children where I grew up.

This habit of constant consumerism is very American.

As an adult, I would pick up the check. If someone has already done so, then I would make plans for another date to do something together.

At my age, the companionship of a good friend is far more valuable than some useless tzotchkie they might buy me.

[+ nycman]

Yeah, I’m not a gift giver and I hate when people show up with gifts.

If you must, a bottle of wine or flowers is a "safe bet", but….

A bottle of wine? Ok, but the odds of me ever drinking it are near zero. I have a nice enough wine cellar, thank you. And now I have to label it so I don’t accidentally re-gift it to you. And yes I do bring a bottle of shitty re-gifted wine to a party when I know you’re of "those people" who will be offended if I don't. 

Flowers? I just filled the house with flowers before you came over. I don’t need more dead things to throw away in a week. 

If it’s a birthday event, I make sure everyone invited knows I don’t expect or want a gift. Nonetheless, I’d say 25% show up with something. Which I think is rude because it makes the other 75% (who did what I asked) instantly uncomfortable. Anyone working the event is well trained to make your "gift" disappear as quickly as possible so as not to make my other guests feel awkward. They also know they are free to steal anything they want from the gift pile. 

I get that certain people were raised to "never show up empty handed", hence my wine/flower exception above, but I find it stupid. I have everything I could possibly want and/or need. Your "gift" is your presence.

Worst gift? A couple gave me a pair of vegan sneakers and basically demanded that I put them on at the party. They were never invited back.

Best gift? A really shitty gallon of vodka from the local Military Base PX. It was a serious gift initially, but it quickly became a "joke gift" that was passed around from house to house at friends’ parties for years. 

[mike carey]

*Note to self. Don't buy @nycman vegan sneakers*

[pubic_assistance]

22 hours ago, nycman said:

I hate when people show up with gifts.

If you must, a bottle of wine or flowers

Agreed.

I've told everyone if I can't eat it or drink it, don't bring it.

The final straw was many years ago when a dear friend brought me the most hideous serving tray with a blown glass dolphin holding it. I was aware it was an expensive item given the scale and handmade quality, but it was tacky beyond belief, and something I would never actually use. So I finally just put an end to it, and banned gifts. I told everyone NO; unless they were determined to bring wine or dessert for a dinner party

Edited December 3, 2023 by pubic_assistance
punctuation

[Guest]

I do appreciate a bottle of wine or dessert when hosting a dinner (and I reciprocate), but beyond that no gifts for me either. I’m uncomfortable receiving them except from close family.  And I have enough stuff for three lifetimes.

[rvwnsd]

With a few exceptions, I would rather not receive a gift. I am nearly 60 years old and have accumulated so much stuff that I'm donating and selling stuff. When my dad (an artist) passed away, I acquired my favorite pieces, so I don't need any more artwork. One of my close friends is a potter, so I'm all good on home decor. Many flowers and plants are toxic to cats, and I have two of them. And, frankly, I am at a place where I can buy whatever I want.

The exceptions to my "no gift" rule are art pieces made by friends, food (preferably made by a friend or friend's friend), and candy. "Art pieces" includes pillow covers, quilts, and such. My potter friend is a talented quilter who makes some very quirky quilts and, thanks to her great eye for fabric, has made some beautiful pillowcases, potholders, and even a briefcase. My sister-in-law is very crafty as well and has made me some very nice pieces over the years. I can always find room for that stuff.

 

[BuffaloKyle]

I tell everyone buy me a gift card or scratch off ticket. That's what I give as gifts. Just easier.

[ICTJOCK]

On 12/1/2023 at 11:43 AM, Ali Gator said:

Can anyone tell me what is the proper gift-giving etiquette these days when celebrating someone's milestone birthday ? Here are recent experiences I have had this week..

 

Well let me say,  if I had been invited to any birthday party and my food was paid,  I'd certainly come with at least a card and more likely some gift,  even if something as a small bouquet of flowers.     

But,  if I were having a birthday of any kind,  I probably wouldn't expect a gift at all.  I might request  a "no gifts"  approach.    If someone showed with no gift,  I wouldn't be disappointed.    Their time and effort means something as well.    Now,  don't take this as criticism,   I get it.   Everyone has their own views and by  no means am I being critical of yours.    Happy birthday,   when I get to be 50 or 60,  I will certainly appreciate anyone who attends!

Edited December 3, 2023 by ICTJOCK

[Ali Gator]

Quote

Well let me say,  if I had been invited to any birthday party and my food was paid,  I'd certainly come with at least a card and more likely some gift,  even if something as a small bouquet of flowers.     

And THIS is exactly my point. 

And to reiterate - this wasn't ANY birthday, it was a milestone birthday (something not everyone gets to celebrate). I wasn't expecting anything elaborate or expensive, but something to mark the occasion in celebration (a gift card to Dunkin' would've been just as thoughtful as a bouquet of flowers, and preferable). 

It makes me wonder, if this is the acceptable social etiquette these days, what does a guest do if they are invited to a 25th Anniversary Party or 50th Anniversary Party ?  Would it be just as acceptable to show up and not acknowledge the couple celebrating with a gift (I can't imagine it myself, but...I'm learning here.)  Same with a wedding - is your 'presence' enough or do you have to bring  a gift these days ?  (Maybe I'll start attending weddings again - I cut them out for the past twenty years as they were getting too expensive to attend and bring a gift).

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

18 hours ago, Ali Gator said:

And THIS is exactly my point. 

And to reiterate - this wasn't ANY birthday, it was a milestone birthday (something not everyone gets to celebrate). I wasn't expecting anything elaborate or expensive, but something to mark the occasion in celebration (a gift card to Dunkin' would've been just as thoughtful as a bouquet of flowers, and preferable). 

It makes me wonder, if this is the acceptable social etiquette these days, what does a guest do if they are invited to a 25th Anniversary Party or 50th Anniversary Party ?  Would it be just as acceptable to show up and not acknowledge the couple celebrating with a gift (I can't imagine it myself, but...I'm learning here.)  Same with a wedding - is your 'presence' enough or do you have to bring  a gift these days ?  (Maybe I'll start attending weddings again - I cut them out for the past twenty years as they were getting too expensive to attend and bring a gift).

Hosting 50th Wedding Anniversary Party is hardly the same as inviting 2 friends out to dinner for your 60th birthday.   For your dinner, did you send paper invitations with an RSVP?  Did you send a "Save the Date" card in advance of the invitation?  Did you provide gift bags for the couple to take home at the end of the occasion? Did you hire a band?

What you and your sister did was invite two friends (whom you haven't seen in a year) out to dinner.  Inviting someone to dinner, even if you happen to be born on that day, doesn't command a gift.

Edited December 4, 2023 by Vegas_Millennial

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

18 hours ago, Ali Gator said:

  (Maybe I'll start attending weddings again - I cut them out for the past twenty years as they were getting too expensive to attend and bring a gift).

Miss Manners would agree with you.  The purpose of a wedding party is to celebrate this once in a lifetime occasion with the people that you love.  Miss Manners would advise a couple to choose an inexpensive affair that every family friend could attend, rather than an expensive affair that only a few could attend.  And, Miss Manners loathes gift registries , requests for cash in lieu of gifts at weddings, or bridal showers; basically anything that makes a gift compulsory.  If someone can't afford to host a wedding without inviting all their friends and without expecting any gifts, then they need to rethink the scale and purpose of their party.

Edited December 4, 2023 by Vegas_Millennial

[jeezifonly]

Spending time IS the very best gift. A dinner. A play or concert. By the time we reach the 50+ milestones there’s not a single thing we need. The memory of an enjoyable evening with good company is worth more. A honorary donation to a charity is also a nice gesture. 

[SouthOfTheBorder]

the issue is the expectations - not the gift-giving or lack thereof  
 expectations will always let you down.  It’s better to have none at all & then maybe be pleasantly surprised by the unexpected 

I don’t like receiving gifts, not even from my husband.  I accept gifts politely, but completely unnecessary - and then it should be done privately, never with anyone else present.  It’s not a spectacle and I don’t want to perform on cue.

Birthdays are blown wildly out-of-proportion for adults and really, this is a thing for children. Cards are sufficient if anything at all.  

[Ali Gator]

6 hours ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

Hosting 50th Wedding Anniversary Party is hardly the same as inviting 2 friends out to dinner for your 60th birthday.   For your dinner, did you send paper invitations with an RSVP?  Did you send a "Save the Date" card in advance of the invitation?  Did you provide gift bags for the couple to take home at the end of the occasion? Did you hire a band?

What you and your sister did was invite two friends (whom you haven't seen in a year) out to dinner.  Inviting someone to dinner, even if you happen to be born on that day, doesn't command a gift.

I can't recall the last time I received a paper invitation with an RSVP (aside from wedding invites), let alone a 'save the date card'.  All the invites I received since the late 1990s - birthday invites, Christening invites, 50th Anniversary and 25th Anniversary invites, retirement parties, etc.- have been through eMails and texts. 'Eventbrite' has been popular for email invites.  Paper invitations ? Not in this century.

Provide gift bags for the couple to take home ? Actually, I was expecting gift bags from them since I was the birthday celebrant.

Hire a band ?  Again, this is the 21st Century - I've been to events where programmed music from an iPod is the entertainment. 

Following your advice - inviting someone to dinner, even if they happen to me married (Christened, retired, etc.) on that day, doesn't command a gift. 

[Ali Gator]

3 hours ago, SouthOfTheBorder said:

the issue is the expectations - not the gift-giving or lack thereof  
 expectations will always let you down.  It’s better to have none at all & then maybe be pleasantly surprised by the unexpected 

 

This is true. I was expecting some small token gifts because I, myself, never go empty-handed to a celebration or simple dinner party. It's not how I was raised. So I 'do unto others as I'd like them to do unto me'. 

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

19 hours ago, Ali Gator said:

I can't recall the last time I received a paper invitation with an RSVP (aside from wedding invites), let alone a 'save the date card'.  All the invites I received since the late 1990s - birthday invites, Christening invites, 50th Anniversary and 25th Anniversary invites, retirement parties, etc.- have been through eMails and texts. 'Eventbrite' has been popular for email invites.  Paper invitations ? Not in this century.

Provide gift bags for the couple to take home ? Actually, I was expecting gift bags from them since I was the birthday celebrant.

Hire a band ?  Again, this is the 21st Century - I've been to events where programmed music from an iPod is the entertainment. 

There you go.  As hosts put in less effort, then so will guests.  Don't send someone a text message to come over and listen to an iPod and expect them to go out and shop for a thoughtful gift.

Edited December 5, 2023 by Vegas_Millennial

[+ poolboy48220]

I thought it was interesting that Mamie Eisenhower started (or re-started) the practice of adults having birthday celebrations.  But since I got this information from one of the "American Horror Stories" storylines, I'm not sure if that's entirely accurate.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

Someone footing the bill for a nice dinner is more than enough of a birthday present (for me).

I'm not a Kardashian.... I don't need gifts or big parties. 

Just show up and be good company.

And don't you dare fucking sing.

 

[Rudynate]

On 12/1/2023 at 9:43 AM, Ali Gator said:

Can anyone tell me what is the proper gift-giving etiquette these days when celebrating someone's milestone birthday ? Here are recent experiences I have had this week..

This past Wednesday, I celebrated my 60th Birthday. I didn't want to have a big celebration  (I prefer small gatherings where I can spend time with those invited) so this is what was planned for the week...

Last Saturday, my sister took me to a beautiful restaurant and asked me to invite whomever I wanted (she was very generously paying for everyone). This was planned back in late October, and I decided on two family friends (Mary and Joan) who were visiting the area for the holiday weekend, and we haven't seen in quite a few years (but we keep in touch on Facebook). We were very close growing up with these two sisters, and it was wonderful having them at this intimate birthday dinner, sharing plenty of laughs and the four of us reminiscing and catching up. Mary and Joan are in their early 60s, professional women who are both doing very well in their careers (they are not hurting financially). I was very surprised that they showed up empty-handed - coming to a 60th birthday dinner at an elegant restaurant, and neither one brought a gift for the birthday boy. These days its so easy to pick up a gift card and put it in a birthday card - I received nothing from either woman (not even a card). I mentioned this to my sister (she's 62) and she wasn't too surprised - she said she's been to many 'milestone' birthday dinners / parties where she is one of the few who shows up with a gift these days.

 

On Tuesday, my friend Lori took me out for my birthday (another beautiful restaurant, one of my favorites) and also invited another friend of mine, Trish. (Lori and Trish are friends, but not that close.) Both women are 62. Again, I was shocked when Trish showed up empty-handed; nothing for me for my 60th birthday. I've been friends with her since college (40 years), and again she's not hurting financially (she inherited an estate worth over $3M about ten years ago). My friend Lori must've noticed she showed up empty handed, because on Wednesday morning she called and asked if Trish had brought a gift for me that she didn't see at the table - I told her no, she gave me nothing. Lori was just as shocked. 

 

Over the years, whenever I've been invited to anything (not just a milestone birthday) , I've always brought a card and gift for the guest of honor (birthday boy / girl, retiree, etc.).  If it's a holiday gathering I always bring a host / hostess gift. I would never think of showing up empty handed. But this week has been quite a learning experience for me.

Is it now proper etiquette to show up at a birthday celebration and not show up with a gift for the guest of honor ? 

I don't expect birthday gifts from anyone - not even from my husband.  I enjoy being taken out to dinner.  I think a lot of people assume that, by age 60, you have outgrown needing birthday gifts.