Birthday gift-giving etiquette these days ?

[Rudynate]

When I graduated from law school- I threw myself a big graduation party.  I invited about 40 people, had it catered in a nice restaurant in the financial district, open bar, passed hors de'oeuvres. full-course dinner.  I hired a friend who had really nice-handwriting to do hand-written invitations.  In the invitation, I specified that there were to be no gifts.  It was really a blast - one of the best times I have ever had. 

Edited December 5, 2023 by Rudynate
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[pubic_assistance]

On 12/3/2023 at 7:00 PM, Ali Gator said:

Maybe I'll start attending weddings again - I cut them out for the past twenty years as they were getting too expensive to attend and bring a gift).

Ive been to dozens of weddings. I've never once "brought a gift". Not to say you don't DO gifting.  But wedding gifts are always managed through a registry or a card with 💰cash for the newlyweds. In my own culture we would not "bring a gift" but pay a visit in the weeks (or months) after the wedding to the couples home. We would bring food and look around to see what they needed and THEN send a gift. Rather an old-fashioned way of doing it and not something I am saying anyone expects today. But I always found it charming and also practical.

[+ JEC]

One of my life mantras is that disappointment is bourne of expectations.   That said (1) gift giving has gone the way of many other social graces, such as birthday cards and thank you notes and (2) I do think it's tacky to show up for a milestone birthday where you are treated at a nice restaurant and not even bring (or send) a card?   You can get great cards at Trader Joe's for 99 cents...all it takes is a little thought.  Like others, I don't expect gifts I am fortunate to have everything I need...but a simple card would be minimally thoughtful.

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

I don't consider 60 a milestone birthday.

It makes more sense to celebrate turning  62 (early withdrawal for social security) or 65 (to begin Medicare) or 59 1/2 (to begin 401k withdrawals).

There's really no age milestones between 21 and 59 1/2 to celebrate.

Edited December 6, 2023 by Vegas_Millennial

[Rudynate]

On 12/1/2023 at 9:43 AM, Ali Gator said:

Can anyone tell me what is the proper gift-giving etiquette these days when celebrating someone's milestone birthday ? Here are recent experiences I have had this week..

This past Wednesday, I celebrated my 60th Birthday. I didn't want to have a big celebration  (I prefer small gatherings where I can spend time with those invited) so this is what was planned for the week...

Last Saturday, my sister took me to a beautiful restaurant and asked me to invite whomever I wanted (she was very generously paying for everyone). This was planned back in late October, and I decided on two family friends (Mary and Joan) who were visiting the area for the holiday weekend, and we haven't seen in quite a few years (but we keep in touch on Facebook). We were very close growing up with these two sisters, and it was wonderful having them at this intimate birthday dinner, sharing plenty of laughs and the four of us reminiscing and catching up. Mary and Joan are in their early 60s, professional women who are both doing very well in their careers (they are not hurting financially). I was very surprised that they showed up empty-handed - coming to a 60th birthday dinner at an elegant restaurant, and neither one brought a gift for the birthday boy. These days its so easy to pick up a gift card and put it in a birthday card - I received nothing from either woman (not even a card). I mentioned this to my sister (she's 62) and she wasn't too surprised - she said she's been to many 'milestone' birthday dinners / parties where she is one of the few who shows up with a gift these days.

 

On Tuesday, my friend Lori took me out for my birthday (another beautiful restaurant, one of my favorites) and also invited another friend of mine, Trish. (Lori and Trish are friends, but not that close.) Both women are 62. Again, I was shocked when Trish showed up empty-handed; nothing for me for my 60th birthday. I've been friends with her since college (40 years), and again she's not hurting financially (she inherited an estate worth over $3M about ten years ago). My friend Lori must've noticed she showed up empty handed, because on Wednesday morning she called and asked if Trish had brought a gift for me that she didn't see at the table - I told her no, she gave me nothing. Lori was just as shocked. 

 

Over the years, whenever I've been invited to anything (not just a milestone birthday) , I've always brought a card and gift for the guest of honor (birthday boy / girl, retiree, etc.).  If it's a holiday gathering I always bring a host / hostess gift. I would never think of showing up empty handed. But this week has been quite a learning experience for me.

Is it now proper etiquette to show up at a birthday celebration and not show up with a gift for the guest of honor ? 

I think Lori is a troublemaker.   She should have realized that it was none of her business whether Trish brought a present or not and said nothing.  I'm curious - why isn't it sufficient that your friends show up to share your birthday with you?  Why do they need to bring presents?

[Rudynate]

5 minutes ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

I don't consider 60 a milestone birthday.

It makes more sense to celebrate turning  62 (early withdrawal for social security) or 65 (to begin Medicare) or 59 1/2 to begin 401k withdrawals.

There's really no age milestones between 21 and 59 1/2 to celebrate.

When I turned 70, it didn't seem like a milestone to me, but I was inundated with happy birthday wishes.  My husband thinks reaching 70 for a gay man is a milestone because we had to survive two pandemics to get there.

[Rudynate]

4 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

Ive been to dozens of weddings. I've never once "brought a gift". Not to say you don't DO gifting.  But wedding gifts are always managed through a registry or a card with 💰cash for the newlyweds. In my own culture we would not "bring a gift" but pay a visit in the weeks (or months) after the wedding to the couples home. We would bring food and look around to see what they needed and THEN send a gift. Rather an old-fashioned way of doing it and not something I am saying anyone expects today. But I always found it charming and also practical.

I never go to weddings because they are so nauseating.  I know a young woman who complained because her parents  "only" budgeted 10K$ for her wedding, so they had to dispense with excesses like renting a yacht for the proposal and doing a video of it.   Im not such a curmedgeon that I don't send gifts, but registries and websites and "destination" weddings make me ill.    My nephew and his wife had a website - my husband and I always refer to them by their domain name.   

[Danny-Darko]

If I have to give something for a birthday, I've found I haven't gone wrong with a Gift Card from a favorite store or restaurant the person likes.  It's practical and people appreciate it. Nothing overboard. It's the gesture. 

[Ali Gator]

4 hours ago, Rudynate said:

I think Lori is a troublemaker.   She should have realized that it was none of her business whether Trish brought a present or not and said nothing.  I'm curious - why isn't it sufficient that your friends show up to share your birthday with you?  Why do they need to bring presents?

You bring a present to help celebrate the person being honored with the milestone birthday dinner. It's not just any dinner, it's a milestone birthday dinner. Etiquette once required gift giving on such an occasion - and as @Danny-Darko points out : nothing overboard, just something practical. As he says - it's the gesture. 

[Rudynate]

4 hours ago, JEC said:

One of my life mantras is that disappointment is bourne of expectations.   That said (1) gift giving has gone the way of many other social graces, such as birthday cards and thank you notes and (2) I do think it's tacky to show up for a milestone birthday where you are treated at a nice restaurant and not even bring (or send) a card?   You can get great cards at Trader Joe's for 99 cents...all it takes is a little thought.  Like others, I don't expect gifts I am fortunate to have everything I need...but a simple card would be minimally thoughtful.

True enough.  I am a big believer in cards and thank-you notes.

[+ BobPS]

I turned 70 in June. To celebrate, I invited close friends to have dinner with me on my birthday on me. Four of my close friends joined me , three others were unavailable because they were not in town. I specifically told them no gifts. I need nothing in the way of material objects. I want for nothing. Fortunately, my friends honored my request. I did get some nice cards and I’ve also been taken out for several meals which has been nice. in my mind if you wanna have me over for a meal or take me out for a meal that’s great or treat me to a concert or a movie etc. that’s great too, but please nomaterial objects

[+ DynamicUno]

In all honesty, I've tried to avoid any fuss over my birthday for the past couple decades. I've steadily grown to dislike birthday cards and I'd rather forego them entirely if I could.  They're either sappy platitudes or cringeworthy jokes, and they end up glanced at one time and end tucked on a shelf until I get around to recycling them.  I'd rather have a phone call or a quiet dinner, time with a friend is gift enough.

 

[pubic_assistance]

4 hours ago, Rudynate said:

I know a young woman who complained because her parents  "only" budgeted 10K$

The last wedding I went to, the budget just for the florist was $10K.

$10K is actually a small budget, unless you're planning a "bring-a-dish" reception in the church basement at your local parish in Arkansas.

 

[Rudynate]

30 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

The last wedding I went to, the budget just for the florist was $10K.

$10K is actually a small budget, unless you're planning a "bring-a-dish" reception in the church basement at your local parish in Arkansas.

 

A few years ago, I read an article about a couple who wanted to get married in Grace Cathedral.   They considered one of the side chapels, but decided that it was the Nave or nothing, and they kept saying "yes" to the wedding planner and ended up spending nearly $50000. Apparently, they had the resources to go , "oh well, whatever."

[pubic_assistance]

1 minute ago, Rudynate said:

they kept saying "yes" to the wedding planner and ended up spending nearly $50000.

$50K in NYC is pretty standard.

 

[Rudynate]

7 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

$50K in NYC is pretty standard.

 

This was a few years ago.  I'm sure it's very easy to spend 50k$ now.  I don't really follow the wedding world so I'm not knowledgeable.

[Jamie21]

8 hours ago, Rudynate said:

This was a few years ago.  I'm sure it's very easy to spend 50k$ now.  I don't really follow the wedding world so I'm not knowledgeable.

I guess the divorce is usually more expensive than the wedding.

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

14 hours ago, Ali Gator said:

You bring a present to help celebrate the person being honored with the milestone birthday dinner. It's not just any dinner, it's a milestone birthday dinner. Etiquette once required gift giving on such an occasion - and as @Danny-Darko points out : nothing overboard, just something practical. As he says - it's the gesture. 

Given that the dinner invitation was probably sent via text message or Facebook messenger, the guests could reciprocate in kind with a "Happy 60th Birthday 🎂🎈" text massage midway through the meal. 😆And they could include Lori on the text massage to make sure she was satisfied that a  satisfactory birthday greeting was sent at the dinner she "hosted".

But seriously, think about how poorly these two "guests" must feel.  They haven't seen you in years.  They are going to be in town on holiday.  They receive an invitation to dinner from you.  They give up a night of their limited vacation to spend time with you.  And instead of hearing "it's been too long, we should try to get together more often", they get "so it was my birthday this month, how come you didn't bring me a gift?". 

I bet they tried looking but couldn't find the Hallmark card that says: "Happy Birthday and Sincerest Wishes from friends of the family whom you haven't seen in years but just happen to be passing through town while you happened to have a birthday!" 🥳 🎉

Edited December 6, 2023 by Vegas_Millennial

[rvwnsd]

16 hours ago, Rudynate said:

I never go to weddings because they are so nauseating.  I know a young woman who complained because her parents  "only" budgeted 10K$ for her wedding, so they had to dispense with excesses like renting a yacht for the proposal and doing a video of it...

Hmm...parents budgeted $10K. How much did the bride budget? Oh, ha ha, my mistake - she expected mom and dad to pay for the entire thing and didn't want to contribute a dime.

16 hours ago, Rudynate said:

 Im not such a curmedgeon that I don't send gifts, but registries and websites and "destination" weddings make me ill...

I "get" registries, when they are reasonable. For example, a friend was in his late 40's when he married a woman who is around his same age. They both have classic, simple tastes and prefer modest over ostentatious. They live in NYC, his family lives in Chicago, California, Argentina, and France and hers lives in Vancouver BC and Hong Kong, so they registered at Crate and Barrel and Macy's for things they needed. Their dishes from Crate and Barrel were the basic white dishes they have sold for decades. I think each dinner plate was $10 or something. Their wine glasses were the basic ones from Macy's as was the cookware (I think they wanted a stock pot and chef's pan - they had everything else and didn't have those items). They weren't going to register, but her sister received all manner of expensive, ostentatious, over the-top crap and they decided that a registry would encourage thrift and moderation. It worked!

 @Rudynate, I'm guessing this is a registry you could support.

16 hours ago, Rudynate said:

...My nephew and his wife had a website - my husband and I always refer to them by their domain name.   

That's a good one.

16 hours ago, Rudynate said:

I never go to weddings because they are so nauseating...

Same here, but I made an exception recently for an extended family member. She and her now-husband are mid-40's (her second marriage and his first) and are not at all materialistic. They rented a space at a local country park (they live in Watsonville, CA and the park is in Aptos), invited only very close friends and family, and had the wedding catered by a local taco truck. The wine and beer came from Costco and the cake came from a local bakery. Her dress was on clearance at David's Bridal and the bridesmaids wore regular dresses - no coordinated dresses in bizarre theme colors. It was an absolutely lovely ceremony. 

[Rudynate]

6 minutes ago, rvwnsd said:

 

Same here, but I made an exception recently for an extended family member. She and her now-husband are mid-40's (her second marriage and his first) and are not at all materialistic. They rented a space at a local country park (they live in Watsonville, CA and the park is in Aptos), invited only very close friends and family, and had the wedding catered by a local taco truck. The wine and beer came from Costco and the cake came from a local bakery. Her dress was on clearance at David's Bridal and the bridesmaids wore regular dresses - no coordinated dresses in bizarre theme colors. It was an absolutely lovely ceremony. 

That sounds like a LOT of fun.  Those bridesmaids' dresses are simply the worst.  I worked with a young woman who said he closet was packed with bridesmaid's dresses that she couldn't wear because they were so obviously bridesmaids' dresses.  I can't believe the bride expects her attendants to pay for those things.  It would be more so much more genuine if the attendants just showed up in something nice that they had chosen.

[Rudynate]

15 hours ago, BobPS said:

I turned 70 in June. To celebrate, I invited close friends to have dinner with me on my birthday on me. Four of my close friends joined me , three others were unavailable because they were not in town. I specifically told them no gifts. I need nothing in the way of material objects. I want for nothing. Fortunately, my friends honored my request. I did get some nice cards and I’ve also been taken out for several meals which has been nice. in my mind if you wanna have me over for a meal or take me out for a meal that’s great or treat me to a concert or a movie etc. that’s great too, but please nomaterial objects

exactly

[Rudynate]

2 hours ago, rvwnsd said:

Same here, but I made an exception recently for an extended family member. She and her now-husband are mid-40's (her second marriage and his first) and are not at all materialistic. They rented a space at a local country park (they live in Watsonville, CA and the park is in Aptos), invited only very close friends and family, and had the wedding catered by a local taco truck. The wine and beer came from Costco and the cake came from a local bakery. Her dress was on clearance at David's Bridal and the bridesmaids wore regular dresses - no coordinated dresses in bizarre theme colors. It was an absolutely lovely ceremony. 

We spend a fair amount of time in that area - Aptos, Santa Cruz, Corralitos, Capitola.  Around this time of year, we like to have dinner at the Shadowbrooke.  A few weeks ago, we spent a weekend at the Hotel Paradox in Santa Cruz - very interesting place - sort of high-end, but off-beat and quirky at the same time, we had a good time.  As we were leaving, I said to my husband," I really liked this place, I want to come back."  A guy overheard us, who was also a first-timer and he said "I do too!"

[rvwnsd]

3 hours ago, Rudynate said:

That sounds like a LOT of fun.  Those bridesmaids' dresses are simply the worst.  I worked with a young woman who said he closet was packed with bridesmaid's dresses that she couldn't wear because they were so obviously bridesmaids' dresses.  I can't believe the bride expects her attendants to pay for those things.  It would be more so much more genuine if the attendants just showed up in something nice that they had chosen.

It really was fun. 

Circling back to the topic of "gifting," the bride and groom at this wedding stated that they did not expect gifts, but if anyone DID give a gift they would prefer money to contribute toward their honeymoon or a donation to the local arts center, where the bride works with children.

[pubic_assistance]

10 minutes ago, rvwnsd said:

Circling back to the topic of "gifting," the bride and groom at this wedding stated that they did not expect gifts, but if anyone DID give a gift they would prefer money to contribute toward their honeymoon or a donation to the local arts center, where the bride works with children.

When any of my nieces or nephews ( including in-laws) got married, it was always $ 500 cash with a tasteful card.

Always appreciated. Use it for your honeymoon or rent. I don't care. But it's not some stupid piece of bullshit they'll never use.

[Guest]

If a gift is appropriate for the occasion, e.g., celebration of a milestone event, another great option is a donation to a beloved charity in their name.