"Nobody loves you when you're old and gay"

[TonyDown]

On 11/12/2023 at 4:50 PM, Charlie said:

I wonder if there is anyone else here who is dealing with a situation similar to mine. I am now basically the fulltime caregiver for a spouse who is several years older than I am, and in steady decline, both physically and mentally (advanced Alzheimer's). He comes from a large family, which includes a younger brother, a married nephew and an unmarried niece, all of whom are both able and willing to assume responsibility for him if anything were to happen to me. However, I have no family; I was an only child, so I not only have no siblings, I also have no nieces or nephews; my closest blood relations are a couple of younger cousins whom I barely know, no one from a younger generation to take care of me if I become unable to care for myself. If I should need care while my spouse is still alive, I have no doubt his brother, niece and nephew would take care of both of us. But there is a good possibility that I will outlive my spouse, possibly for many years. My spouse and I have been together for 55 years, so his brother has known me since he was a college kid (he's now 75);  his children have known me all their lives, and sometimes even refer to me as "Uncle Charlie." Nevertheless, I wonder if they would feel the same kind of  responsibility to to take care of me after their brother and uncle is gone, even though it would probably not impose a financial burden on them. I like them and trust them, but I don't think I should expect the same commitment from them that I would expect from my own family members, if I had any.

If anyone here is in a similar situation, what kind of plans have you made for a future in which you might no longer be able to care for yourself?

 

I have similar thoughts.

I am the youngest of 5 and likely will outlive my siblings.

My nieces and nephews are not close by.  

I will need to figure out a plan some day.

 

[+ jessmapex]

On 11/13/2023 at 10:27 AM, nycman said:

I shot back with "I’m talking about the hard part, like having someone to wipe my ass, not someone to count to ten at my bedside". His response?…"the only hard part is going to be keeping you from grabbing my ass while I’m wiping yours."

By the way, this part of depending on someone scares me the most. Today, hygiene with respect to this bodily function is super important to me. I can't even properly evacuate myself if i hear people outside a toilet. I find it very difficult to share a bathroom with someone. That's probably why i have never been able to have a relationship. I always wonder how boyfriends remain attractive to each other despite sharing a bathroom and potentially hear the other person 'go' in small hotel rooms.

A guy's ass and the hole are such sensual things for me and i consider it unfortunate that its other function is to handle the most disagreeable odor and substance to come out of a human body. I think the wires in my brain that are able to handle the co-existence of the two contradictory functions haven't crossed well.

I pray to god to take me before i have to get my ass wiped by a hot str8 guy.

PS: I realize this post will come across very shallow to folks who have found their soulmates. Love, affection transcends any bodily function. So i apologize in advance, but this is the only forum where I can speak my mind about these things.

Edited November 14, 2023 by jessmapex

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

2 hours ago, jessmapex said:

By the way, this part of depending on someone scares me the most. Today, hygiene with respect to this bodily function is super important to me. I can't even properly evacuate myself if i hear people outside a toilet. I find it very difficult to share a bathroom with someone. That's probably why i have never been able to have a relationship. I always wonder how boyfriends remain attractive to each other despite sharing a bathroom and potentially hear the other person 'go' in small hotel rooms.

A guy's ass and the hole are such sensual things for me and i consider it unfortunate that its other function is to handle the most disagreeable odor and substance to come out of a human body. I think the wires in my brain that are able to handle the co-existence of the two contradictory functions haven't crossed well.

I pray to god to take me before i have to get my ass wiped by a hot str8 guy.

PS: I realize this post will come across very shallow to folks who have found their soulmates. Love, affection transcends any bodily function. So i apologize in advance, but this is the only forum where I can speak my mind about these things.

"Tuesdays with Morrie" is an excellent book relevant to the topic of this thread.  One memorable lesson is learning to enjoy someone else wipe your arse as you get older.

Edited November 14, 2023 by Vegas_Millennial

[Lookin]

Great topic and very timely, as I just turned eighty.  😳

It's impressive and heartwarming to hear my fellow posters are blessed with supportive families and/or the wherewithal to keep going throughout the golden years.

Personally, I've never been much of a planner.  There's a chance a couple of my younger relatives would put me up when my cash runs out after a couple months in the Olde Poofters Home.  But it's not a sure thing.  

I'm thinking my best bet might be to snuggle into a wicker basket and drop myself off at the local fire station.  

 

[Luv2play]

4 hours ago, jessmapex said:

By the way, this part of depending on someone scares me the most. Today, hygiene with respect to this bodily function is super important to me. I can't even properly evacuate myself if i hear people outside a toilet. I find it very difficult to share a bathroom with someone. That's probably why i have never been able to have a relationship. I always wonder how boyfriends remain attractive to each other despite sharing a bathroom and potentially hear the other person 'go' in small hotel rooms.

A guy's ass and the hole are such sensual things for me and i consider it unfortunate that its other function is to handle the most disagreeable odor and substance to come out of a human body. I think the wires in my brain that are able to handle the co-existence of the two contradictory functions haven't crossed well.

I pray to god to take me before i have to get my ass wiped by a hot str8 guy.

PS: I realize this post will come across very shallow to folks who have found their soulmates. Love, affection transcends any bodily function. So i apologize in advance, but this is the only forum where I can speak my mind about these things.

You may be a case where some therapy might help. We are all human beings but animals too in how our bodies function. Accepting this is important to live a healthy balanced life.

I love the human body and everything that pertains to it. Nothing turns me off except neglect perhaps because I regret seeing people ignore maintaining their bodies as best they can. As we age the body starts to lose its elasticity and flexibility but even so there are ways to make yourself attractive to others if you try.

[+ Coolwave35]

2 hours ago, Luv2play said:

We are all human beings but animals too in how our bodies function. Accepting this is important to live a healthy balanced life.

I love the human body and everything that pertains to it. Nothing turns me off

I had similar hang ups as Jesse. Then a provider told me “there’s nothing your body can do that will scare me” and it completely changed my life. Coincidentally, on topic, he’s named in my will. Lol 

[cany10011]

One of my colleagues had an elderly uncle who became widower and he went back to the old country (southern italy) and married a 20 year old prostitute. Everyone knew the deal. She was gorgeous and he was rich. She took care of him for another 25 years before he croaked and she inherited his $$$$ and went back home to Italy as a rich widow.

That may be an option.....

Edited November 14, 2023 by cany10011

[+ azdr0710]

baby boomers are now aged 59-77......the next 20-25 years are going to be rough on social security, Medicare, caregivers, neighbors to baby boomers, relatives.......start making plans and talking to those who need to know......

[spidir]

I admire the LGBTQ+ elders that were true to themselves despite the legal and social pressures that favored our heterosexual counterparts. Unfortunately, it will take decades before our community realizes the 80% of long-term care that is provided by family members in the United States. In the meantime, we must rely on friends as our chosen family.

Edited November 15, 2023 by spidir

[+ Lucky]

On 11/14/2023 at 5:19 AM, cany10011 said:

One of my colleagues had an elderly uncle who became widower and he went back to the old country (southern italy) and married a 20 year old prostitute. Everyone knew the deal. She was gorgeous and he was rich. She took care of him for another 25 years before he croaked and she inherited his $$$$ and went back home to Italy as a rich widow.

That may be an option.....

I know two guys here who each entered into a relationship with a much older man and took care of him to the end. They are now both multimillionaires.

[+ WilliamM]

On 11/13/2023 at 11:57 PM, TonyDown said:

I have similar thoughts.

I am the youngest of 5 and likely will outlive my siblings.

My nieces and nephews are not close by.  

I will need to figure out a plan some day.

 

I suggest you  because closer to your relatives. 

[+ friendofsheila]

I've wondered if senior centers know of some social service that helps people who have no family or the usual support ssystem, at least looks in on them regularly.  

anybody heard of such a thing?

[Danny-Darko]

45 minutes ago, friendofsheila said:

I've wondered if senior centers know of some social service that helps people who have no family or the usual support ssystem, at least looks in on them regularly.  

anybody heard of such a thing?

The ONLY place in the USA I've seen anything similar was in San Francisco and that was 25 years ago. Who knows now what the situation might be. 

[pubic_assistance]

1 hour ago, friendofsheila said:

I've wondered if senior centers know of some social service that helps people who have no family or the usual support ssystem, at least looks in on them regularly.  

Meals on Wheels is a charitable organization that delivers a meal daily to senior citizens and acts as a daily check-in service with connections to health care networks.

My grandmother was a volunteer worker for many years. By the time she quit, she was actually older than many of the people she was visiting. 😉

Edited November 23, 2023 by pubic_assistance
Grammar

[+ friendofsheila]

On 11/12/2023 at 6:13 PM, jessmapex said:

I am also researching into options to make it financially attractive to a younger gay man to keep me alive and well.

I'ld like to hear what ou learn., or how it would work.  

It seems like it would be some kind of contract, maybe where the younger person gets "vested" after putting in a certain amount of time helping out?

Edited November 26, 2023 by friendofsheila

[+ Just Sayin]

On 11/22/2023 at 5:14 PM, friendofsheila said:

I've wondered if senior centers know of some social service that helps people who have no family or the usual support ssystem, at least looks in on them regularly.  

anybody heard of such a thing?

there are "private fiduciaries" who do this; if you visit with an experienced estate planning attorney, she or he will be familiar with individuals or firms that the attorney has had good experiences with

[BonVivant]

On 11/12/2023 at 9:13 PM, jessmapex said:

Your post made my eyes tear up.

I am probably 15-20 yrs away from this (most likely much less than that) and my situation is different. I have never been able to find a spouse, let alone a bf. I have an older brother, but i can not count on him or my niece or nephew in my old and frail days. I had a couple of gay best friends and my hope was they would be around to at least keep an eye on me even if I could not expect them to take care of me. But they too drifted apart during Covid stresses.

My only hope is with my retirement savings i will be able to afford some elder care or a nursing home. I am also researching into options to make it financially attractive to a younger gay man to keep me alive and well. Life insurance alone would make a caretaker want me to pass away sooner than later.

In my 50s itself i am feeling discarded enough to dread what life would be like when i am frail. I am also actively looking in to options to end my life on a high note before i reach a point where i am unable to physically take care of myself.

Meanwhile my gay 'community' at work is fighting with the corporate IT to allow the company chat system to display a person's preferred pronouns.

Me too. Same struggle and thoughts. I have seen older relatives in their 80s and 90s deal with this. There was no perfect solution even for those who had children and siblings (it’s not guaranteed that they will do anything for you. One option is to openly bribe them through the will!).  

Edited November 27, 2023 by BonVivant

[BonVivant]

On 11/13/2023 at 2:03 PM, Luv2play said:

If I have to sell my house when I go into a facility, I will use the money to have escorts visit me there, under the guise of being nephews.😜

A lovely plan. I hope to do the same. 😉

[BonVivant]

On 11/15/2023 at 10:32 AM, Lucky said:

I know two guys here who each entered into a relationship with a much older man and took care of him to the end. They are now both multimillionaires.

I wonder if there are suitable candidates for the role on Seeking?

[+ azdr0710]

nice little (about five minutes to read) history about the old legend that Eskimos put their old and unproductive out on the ice floe and shove them off to die:

Did Eskimos put their elderly on ice floes to die?

WWW.STRAIGHTDOPE.COM

---

A STAFF REPORT FROM THE STRAIGHT DOPE SCIENCE ADVISORY BOARD

 

[MscleLovr]

4 hours ago, BonVivant said:

I wonder if there are suitable candidates for the role on Seeking?

Be careful what you wish for.
 

I learned of a charming-seeming guy (middle-aged realtor) in Southern California who had elderly partners. Alas they died sooner than anticipated.

[Marc in Calif]

43 minutes ago, azdr0710 said:

nice little (about five minutes to read) history about the old legend that Eskimos put their old and unproductive out on the ice floe and shove them off to die:

Did Eskimos put their elderly on ice floes to die?

WWW.STRAIGHTDOPE.COM

---

A STAFF REPORT FROM THE STRAIGHT DOPE SCIENCE ADVISORY BOARD

 

Corollary Fact

No, the Eskimos do not have 100 words for snow. 😎

[+ nycman]

1 hour ago, azdr0710 said:

nice little (about five minutes to read) history about the old legend that Eskimos put their old and unproductive out on the ice floe and shove them off to die:

Did Eskimos put their elderly on ice floes to die?

WWW.STRAIGHTDOPE.COM

---

A STAFF REPORT FROM THE STRAIGHT DOPE SCIENCE ADVISORY BOARD

 

From that article: "The popular legend that the Eskimos put their old people on ice floes and set them adrift is wrong in detail, but it’s not terribly far off in the broad strokes."

"Ice flow"

 Versus

"We move the entire village in the middle of the night while you’re asleep and leave you to die"

po-tay-to, po-tah-to…. I feel like we’re saying the same thing.

[+ friendofsheila]

On 11/25/2023 at 7:39 PM, Just Sayin said:

there are "private fiduciaries" who do this; if you visit with an experienced estate planning attorney, she or he will be familiar with individuals or firms that the attorney has had good experiences with

Thank you.  "Private" and "estate planning" and "attorney" all sound like only people who earn more money than I do cann use them.  I don't feel  hopeful that I can afford things like this. 

[+ friendofsheila]

I wonder if anyone has ever gone thr route of adopting someone who can be thier heir and caretaker.