Overwhelmed and in a rut

[Antonio1981]

Not sure what I’m expecting by posting here, but wanted to sort my thoughts and feelings out in writing. I would typically feel like someone who is in control of life and can handle obstacles. Lately, circumstances have changed significantly and I’m beginning to feel slightly overwhelmed by a handful of things. 
 

My father had a stroke almost 2 years ago and is in an assisted living home. He is physically disabled due to the right side of his body losing function. He has been going to physical therapy since his stroke. He goes 4 days a week - I take him one day a week so he doesn’t need to take a Van. My 20yo nephew takes him one day a week and my sister meets him for his sessions twice a week when he takes a Van. I know my dad enjoys seeing us and it keeps him involved as if he were physically at home. He wants to come home and is determined, however it will take some time since my mom cannot take care of him. They are both 81yo. 
 

My mother is in the family home and my nephew is living with her. She is hearing impaired, stubborn and unadapted to any form of technology. She still functions as if it were 1995 and it’s very challenging for us when we can make things easier. She still balances the checkbook instead of allowing us to do online banking. She won’t use a smartphone and wants a new landline phone with answering machine. Many more antiquated things I won’t bother listing. I feel horrible for my newphew who should be living the life of a 20yo college student. I know he is getting irritated and frustrated with having to live with her (he grew up in our parents home because my brother was a single dad. He passed 2 years ago when my nephew was 18…a few months afterward, my dad had his stroke).
 

I work and have a team of 200+ employees which is a whole other animal. My commute is 40 miles each way thru the LA Valley. I leave for work at 7:00am and get home around 7:00pm. My days off are tending to my parents and checking in on my nephew - I’ve been worried about him since his dad passed and watching for signs of depression, etc.  With all this responsibility and people relying on me, I feel like I have lost my sense of self. On top of this, it was recently brought to my attention from HR that some employees had concerns about my leadership approach so this is another issue that I’m going to have to deal with. This came to my attention a few days ago and I was caught completely off guard and trying to wrap my head around these perceptions. I feel like I need to loop my manager in and give her a heads up since I’m sure it will escalate to her. She’s a tough one to speak to because she comes across and intimidating and rehearsed. 
 

Lastly, I have a provider who bothers me every week to see about getting together. I have told him that I’m super busy and don’t have time (or mood) to see him at the moment, but he won’t stop. The last thing I need is another “commitment” when I can barely fulfill my current ones. Like I stated, I haven’t been able to do some of the simple things I’ve had time for in the past - going to the gym, taking weekend trips to Palm Springs, socialize, have flexible scheduling for doctor, hair or any appointments. My plate is full. I need a break. But I’m a giver at heart. My dad told me I should take time and enjoy life. I looked at him like he was insane.  I don’t share too much with others so I dont expect him to understand all of my commitments. I have worked hard since I was 16, missed family occasions, milestones, etc and always put work first. I now realize that i needed more balance, but my family is very driven. At 58, I’m experiencing burnout.  I feel like I’ve been stuck the last couple of years. I’ve wanted to move for the last few years but haven’t. I have wanted to buy a new car, but always feel like I could lose my job at a moments notice with this boss that I report to. I have been with this company for 35 years and worked for my current manager for 4 years. 
 

I have wanted to see a therapist, but that is another commitment I can’t squeeze into my schedule. I want to workout since it’s been about 3 years since I’ve been in a gym. I used to workout with a trainer - that got me to the gym since I was paying for the session. He since moved to Arizona and I haven’t hired another one - but that would be another commitment to add to my full schedule. 
 

I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know why I can’t seem to take the first step to get out of this rut. And to be honest, this employee complaint is wearing heavily on me right now which is why I’m probably feeling out of control. 

Edited January 31, 2022 by Antonio1981
Misspellings

[samhexum]

59 minutes ago, Antonio1981 said:

Not sure what I’m expecting by posting here, but wanted to sort my thoughts and feelings out in writing. I would typically feel like someone who is in control of life and can handle obstacles. Lately, circumstances have changed significantly and I’m beginning to feel slightly overwhelmed by a handful of things.

My mother is...stubborn and unadapted to any form of technology. She still functions as if it were 1995 and it’s very challenging for us when we can make things easier. She still balances the checkbook instead of allowing us to do online banking. She won’t use a smartphone and wants a new landline phone with answering machine.

Lastly, I have a provider who bothers me every week to see about getting together. I have told him that I’m super busy and don’t have time (or mood) to see him at the moment, but he won’t stop. The last thing I need is another “commitment” when I can barely fulfill my current ones. Like I stated, I haven’t been able to do some of the simple things I’ve had time for in the past - going to the gym, taking weekend trips to Palm Springs, socialize, have flexible scheduling for doctor, hair or any appointments. My plate is full. I need a break. But I’m a giver at heart. My dad told me I should take time and enjoy life. I looked at him like he was insane.  I don’t share too much with others so I dont expect him to understand all of my commitments. I have worked hard since I was 16, missed family occasions, milestones, etc and always put work first. I now realize that i needed more balance, but my family is very driven. At 58, I’m experiencing burnout.  I feel like I’ve been stuck the last couple of years. I’ve wanted to move for the last few years but haven’t. I have wanted to buy a new car, but always feel like I could lose my job at a moments notice with this boss that I report to. I have been with this company for 35 years and worked for my current manager for 4 years.

I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know why I can’t seem to take the first step to get out of this rut. And to be honest, this employee complaint is wearing heavily on me right now which is why I’m probably feeling out of control. 

Your mom sounds just like me, so I have to ask 'what's wrong with that?'

As for the rest of your post... Yikes.  If it helps at all, you are one of about 90% of the population who feel this way after the past 2 years, although you seem to have more on your plate than most.  You're so overwhelmed, you wrote out that whole thing about your stress the last two years and never mentioned the pandemic.  You need to find SOME time or activity for yourself that relaxes you, and somebody to talk to, even if it's just a therapist over the phone or zoom, since you wouldn't have time for an office visit. 

As to your first paragraph, I think you wrote it all out because the pressure was getting unbearable and you had to just let it out in some non-destructive way before you burst.  As to your last paragraph, you can't take that first step BECAUSE you are in a rut.  That's what ruts are.  Take it one baby step at a time (advises the guy who's been in a rut for 30 years).

And as for your provider...  tell him firmly that if he doesn't stop contacting you right now when you don't need the hassle, you'll block him.  Then DO IT.

Good luck to you.  Sorry I couldn't write anything more helpful.

Edited January 31, 2022 by samhexum
Just for the hell of it.

[wsc]

Since you indicated your work circumstance is a source of significant stress, let me offer an insight. I was a manager in a Fortune 500 company for many years and had numerous occasions to evaluate performance of those who reported to me; not all of those evaluations were complimentary.

When individuals disagreed with my evaluations, I pointed out that these were my perceptions of their performance, and that if they wanted to change my perceptions, they should look at changing their performance. I didn't mean that as a smart-ass remark, but as a jumping off point for a suggestion.

You wrote that "some employees had concerns about [your] leadership approach," but didn't provide any details. I assume these concerns are of more recent origin as opposed to older complaints. Given all the changes in your family dynamics over the last two years, spillover of stress from home to work environments is understandable. I suggest that, as best you can, analyze how your interactions and communications with others at work may have changed over time, and why, because a problem defined is a problem half-solved. Then look at ways to retrofit the best of you to become the boss you once were. The gist is that something's changed, so find out what, how, and why, then fix it.

Sounds simple, and it is. But simple doesn't mean easy. Climbing Everest is simple; put one foot in front of the other and keep going up. Easy? Not so much.

If you can resolve some degree of workplace tension, things might ease up overall.

Also, remember you can do anything, but you can't do everything, and certainly not at the same time. Custer might have been president if he'd gotten the Indians to attack him over the hill one at a time. Make your "Indians" line up and attack them one at a time.

Hope this wasn't too folksy and best of luck in your efforts.

[+ purplekow]

It sounds as though you have scheduled yourself so heavily that you left no time for yourself.  Perhaps you need to schedule time for yourself and keep that commitment as you have been keeping your others.   Dealing with elderly parents is not easy and adding a disability to the mix just increases the burden.  

I am wondering if the issues with your management style is a result of the increased pressure you are feeling from your personal life.   If so, there is extra pressure to have a better hold on that aspect of your life.  

Listen to your Dad.  He sees you and perhaps sees you more clearly than you see yourself;  Take some time.  This times is not coming back and if you do not enjoy it now, you do not get a do over later on.   Set up a weekend in Palm Springs.  Take a deep breath and reboot.  

[Luv2play]

I agree with wsc. You need to address your job situation with priority since your financial security depends on that. From what you said, being in your late fifties and with the same outfit for 35 years may make it difficult for you to be employed elsewhere should you be terminated in your current position.

The other aspects of your life are all contributing to your sense of being out of control and you also need to address. Let those around you know that you are feeling the stress and are not superhuman. That way, if you are not always able to put them front and foremost all the time they will better understand your situation. If they don't , you need to be firm and do what's best for you.

Don't feel you are indispensable in helping them. If you were to be run over tomorrow, they would have to get along as best they can. And they would.

[+ augustus]

@Antonio1981  Wow, sorry to hear this.    As far as your mother still functioning like it's 1995, frankly there is nothing wrong with that.  Let her be.  She's comfortable.  Heck, I still mostly write checks.  

In regard to your dad, this sucks.  Unfortunately, we all have to deal with the health issues of our elderly family members and our turn is coming too.  Just do the best you can.  No one can evade illness and death.  No one.  And mind your own health!

As far as the HR lady, don't unload on her.  She sounds like a company person and battleaxe.  Just maneuver as best you can.  These evaluations from the employees are always filled with complaints from the malcontents.  

Take control of the situation with the provider.  It's obvious he wants that cash and isn't too concerned about your problems.  Tell him to get a job to supplement his income.

Good Luck to you.   Believe it or not, all these things work out eventually.

 

 

Edited January 31, 2022 by augustus

[CuriousByNature]

Thank you for sharing.  I'm sorry things are so overwhelming at the moment.  Is there an opportunity for you to take a sabbatical or a leave of absence from work?  Might it be possible to restructure a bit so that you could retire early?  At the very least it's really important to give yourself some time each day - even if it is only carving out 15 minutes to go for a walk or to sit in the yard.  It's a commitment to yourself that is needed.  We cannot be all things to all people even though we may think we can or should.  It isn't easy.  Especially for those who are care-givers and supporters by their very nature.  But you can do this.  

[BSR]

28 minutes ago, augustus said:

Take control of the situation with the provider.  It's obvious he wants that cash and isn't too concerned about your problems.  Tell him to get a job to supplement his income.

If you don't care that much about your future relationship with the provider, just ghost him.  You've told him you're simply too busy.  You don't owe him any more of an explanation than that.  If you do care about future relations with this provider, give him an idea of the demands on your time & energy to whatever degree of detail you feel comfortable.  Just your 12-hour workday+commute would wipe out most people.  He should understand.  I wouldn't tell him to get a job (yikes); leave it to him to figure out his financial situation.  You have so much to cope with right now.  Eliminating the stress of a needy provider is the easiest one to deal with.

[+ Pensant]

4 hours ago, BSR said:

Just your 12-hour workday+commute would wipe out most people.

That alone has to be a huge contributor. I lived in OC for 30 years and, before starting my own company based in my neighborhood, I only took jobs that had a commute of less than 15 minutes. I can’t imagine working for a large corporation with grim careerists and a Stasi HR department. Since that job is weighing you down, make time to find a less stressful one as you move into your retirement planning era. After all, it’s the Great Resignation and you may well find an equally remunerative job without 200 reports and also one that has a manageable commute.

[Rudynate]

A good personal coach could help get everything sorted.

[+ The Big Guy]

You sound like a man with an admirable character.  I wish you well.  It sounds like you work for a large company.  Most, have an Employee Assistance Line to call when you are not doing well.   That is something that got me through some tough times many years ago.   Take care of yourself.  

[+ Charlie]

I have been feeling grumpy and somewhat depressed lately simply about being old and a caregiver for an elderly spouse--your situation puts that in perspective for me, so thanks for that. At least you are not dealing with your own medical problems as well, but you will be if you don't step back and accept that you can't feel responsible for solving everyone else's problems. I know that's not as easy as it sounds, especially for someone who wants to feel, as you say, "someone who is in control of life." No one truly is.

I don't know about you, but the best way for me to relieve tension caused by exterior problems is to do something that is completely unrelated to them, and that gives me physical or aesthetic pleasure. For me that is playing tennis two mornings a week, during which I cannot think at all about my other problems. Find something you enjoy that you can do regularly, so that you know you can always look forward to it, but will not prey on your mind if you have to miss it, even if it's just sitting for a half hour watching the sunset. Just don't make it another responsibility that you have to do.

[keefer]

I've read/reread the original post;  read/reread most of the responses; this is my third attempt at responding.   

@Antonio1981, your post is one my partner could have written five years ago after stepping into a role second to the chief exec with similar number of resources and direct reports.   HIs father, feeling unwell, went to the emergency room - was being seen by a cardiologist when he had a massive heart attack, his third.  Within minutes he was in ICU, remained in ICU, in a coma, for six weeks before they were able to take him off support and get him to cardiology ward.   It was a miracle he survived, and even more a miracle that he was able to return home three months later.   Our lives changed dramatically;  doing 60-mile round trips nightly, living at the hospital days at a time; a pattern that continued for months.

Six months after the event my partner was having same struggles and doubts that you've expressed, as well as going from fully confident to being overwhelmed.   The only difference in the story is that he had a quarterly session with an executive mentor/coach.   Her background was psychology/psychiatry - specialist in boardroom/executive dynamics.    At their next meeting she flagged something we had missed and arranged a session with a grief counselor.   

This isn't my area of expertise - but the similarities are striking;  in our situation the elephant in the room was grief; talking to the counselor (weekly hour long meeting that went on for six or eight weeks) - was probably the best thing we did.  It was the elephant in the room, and she helped immensely helping him understand why he was overwhelmed and how to process and complete the grieving. 

I don't want to repeat any of the other great advice others have offered, but just want to suggest - possibly having an initial session with a grief counselor?   You are dealing with much more than my partner did:  your Dad, your Mom, your brother;  while still carrying the world on your shoulders.   

Hope this helps a little; please reach out privately if you'd like to chat. 

 

 

[+ JEC]

Antonio, thanks for sharing your challenges with us.   As I read your post I thought "this was me 20 years ago" (I'm 58 now).  At the time I was newly in a Director position, caring for my aging grandparents, going to school at night and renovating our first house.   I felt overwhelmed with all of the stresses, the elderly grandparents being the most stressful of all. 

A few suggestions, hopefully they will help.

1. A common thing emerging leaders need to learn is how to empower their staff, and delegate.  This means having conversations with them about their aspirations and interests, and giving them work even if they are "stretch goals".  If you are working that many hours...you are not delegating enough.   Staff are willing to take on additional work if it interests them, the work is meaningful, and you reward them.  Oh, and how does your calendar look?   If it's full of meetings all day....you are not delegating enough.  To lead effectively, you need free time to plan, organize, think about how to lead, and manage your relationships with your peers and other leaders.   How are you managing your time?   Use the Covey time management matrix.  Many emerging managers/leaders equate being busy (even too busy) with success.  If you are too busy doing tasks to lead your team, something needs to change.
2. Get help where you need it.  There are agencies who help with elder care, even advising families like yours.  These are heart-wrenching decisions and especially difficult for the inexperienced.  Sounds like you are getting some help from other relatives too, that's good, but they all have their lives to live too. 
3. Make the hard decisions.  It is difficult to manage relationships with aging parents, in many ways the roles have reversed....you are the adult and they are the child, but they are not willing to let go.   It's a balancing act for sure, but don't be afraid to make hard decisions if they are in the best interest of your parents (and your sanity). 
4. See a counselor or a coach.  Managing aging parents includes real life, grown up, and complicated decisions.  Because many gay men are grownups without children we have been spared some of these "adult" responsibilities which makes them weigh even more heavily on us; and we lack the experience to work through them.  Most ppl in your shoes have already raised a family.
5. Take care of yourself first.   Make sure you are getting your sleep, eating well and working out (if you like to).  You can't take care of others if you aren't taking care of yourself, and it sounds like you are reaching that breaking point.

I hope this is helpful and I haven't crossed any boundaries.

Good luck on your journey, this is all fixable.....not overnight.   One day at a time my friend, and be kind to yourself along the way.

Jack

Edited January 31, 2022 by JEC

[+ glutes]

I'm with BSR, ghost the needy provider. He's unnecessary baggage you don't need now.

A good therapist can also be a great life coach, ask around your area.

Edited February 1, 2022 by glutes

[+ tassojunior]

What you eventually will regret most is every day you miss with your father. Obviously your mother will too. When he's gone you'd give anything for another visit. Don't make a mistake on that opportunity now. Becoming an orphan is devastating at any age and you so, so wish you'd been together more. 

With 200 workers you still must supervise constantly, on location yet? Isn't telework possible? Better yet delegation?

also-from personal experience- get as many videos of your parents as possible talking to you. they will be your most treasured possession in the future. 

Edited February 5, 2022 by tassojunior

[+ Pensant]

What a refuge our little forum can be!

[+ glutes]

Although written by a woman, she offers dark humor about mid-life.

[xyz48B]

Have you tried finding a church community that’s gay friendly? Could work form you. You can be as involved or as uninvolved as you like. And there are supports for people in a place like you in healthy congregations. And the spiritual side of human existence is an important, often neglected one. We talk ad nauseam about physical health but poopoo spiritual health.

[+ WilliamM]

26 minutes ago, xyz48B said:

Have you tried finding a church community that’s gay friendly? Could work form you. You can be as involved or as uninvolved as you like. And there are supports for people in a place like you in healthy congregations. And the spiritual side of human existence is an important, often neglected one. We talk ad nauseam about physical health but poopoo spiritual health.

Good point.

[Guest]

12 hour days are not unusual to me (I enjoy what I do), but if 25%-30% of that time were tied up in a commute, my head would explode.  Can you do something to get closer to work?

[keefer]

@Antonio1981, are you starting to feel more in control?

[Antonio1981]

11 hours ago, keefer said:

@Antonio1981, are you starting to feel more in control?

Thanks for following up. Right now, I would say that I’m taking things one day at a time and not piling on anymore commitments. My plate is full and I’m trying to figure out a path forward. I appreciate all the advice and letting it all digest at the moment. 

[samhexum]

On 1/31/2022 at 12:12 AM, Antonio1981 said:

Lately, circumstances have changed significantly and I’m beginning to feel slightly overwhelmed by a handful of things... My mother is in the family home and my nephew is living with her... I work and have a team of 200+ employees which is a whole other animal. My commute is 40 miles each way thru the LA Valley. I leave for work at 7:00am and get home around 7:00pm. My days off are tending to my parents and checking in on my nephew... Lastly, I have a provider who bothers me every week to see about getting together... I’m overwhelmed.

How are you feeling?  Have you made any progress?

Edited February 28, 2022 by samhexum
just for the hell of it

[Epigonos]

The most difficult thing for me in coping with my ageing parents was the fact that our roles reversed.  Whether we liked it or not my sister and I became the parents and my parents became the children.  We had to make decisions that we didn't like and they resisted.