When to tell a provider I’m a virgin?

[Wings246]

Absolutely brand new to everything here.  By everything, I seriously mean EVERYTHING.

 

It’s embarrassing to admit, but I am a deeply closeted gay man and a middle-aged virgin (think of the title of the Steve Carell movie in 2005).  I have ZERO sexual experience with any human beings (never dated, never kissed, never held hands, never hugged/cuddled/touched anyone, male or female or anyone in between).

 

With the new year, I just realize I cannot die as a virgin.  The idea of hiring a provider hit me like a bullet train.  I started searching and researching on RM and came across this community/forum.

 

I have already messaged a few providers, but the initial contacts are still at the very early inquiry stage.  I have a few questions:

 

1.     When should I tell the provider the above background info about myself?  I read here that some providers may misinterpret the virgin label as a red flag for scams or “discounts” but I have NO intention of either.  I am afraid I’ll scare some providers away if I tell them too early.  On the flip side, if I tell them on the spot, some providers may be unprepared for or unwilling to continue with a newbie.  This is a dilemma.

 

2.     Will a 1-hour appointment be enough?

 

3.     Is it better to have an on-call or out-call setup?

 

Any advice will be much appreciated.  Thanks in advance.

 

{{{ lost lonely soul }}}

[pubic_assistance]

My opinion:

Be upfront with anyone you contact.

You should also consider paying the provider for their TIME only on a first meet. Go on a "date" and make sure you are comfortable with your choice.

The second meet up will be far more satisfying without all the nervous energy.

[56harrisond]

Tell your provider what you're interested in and what you would like to do. Be open and clear. There's nothing you'll tell them that they haven't heard before.

This discussion may be helpful:

 

[Mk27]

If u story true (questionable) but ok   If true. You should consider massage guy w some extras to start and not full blown escort 

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

2 hours ago, lostlonelysoul said:

With the new year, I just realize I cannot die as a virgin. 

On the contrary, it's very possible.  Virgins die all the time.

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

2 hours ago, lostlonelysoul said:

never dated

Start here.  Go to a gay bar.   Meet some gay friends.  Go out to movie and dinner on a gay date.   Put down your screen and go outside and meet people

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

4 minutes ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

Start here.  Go to a gay bar.   Meet some gay friends.  Go out to movie and dinner on a gay date.   Put down your screen and go outside and meet people

This is also what I would recommend.

An escort is only going to exacerbate your social issues by making it too easy. 

You need to force yourself to make friends, go out, be social, fail, succeed.  This is life.

Live life. 

Live life now.

Edited January 27 by BenjaminNicholas

[jazeboy]

1 hour ago, Mk27 said:

questionable

Why would you say that? It's really not helpful or constructive to OP.

[jazeboy]

27 minutes ago, BenjaminNicholas said:

You need to force yourself to make friends, go out, be social, fail, succeed.  This is life.

Live life. 

Live life now.

Great advice. But reeeally difficult for someone who's never done any of that ... and who is in the closet. I know this first hand.

[Mk27]

I gave benefit of the doubt.   But some of the stories and questions in this site seem like bs just for comments.    My advise was solid to start a little slower  and not hire some pro to just fuk some dude w no experience.  Especially if he’s past the point in time where that would happen in a regular situation.   If question was illegitimate my advise was legit 

[Monarchy79]

8 hours ago, lostlonelysoul said:

Absolutely brand new to everything here.  By everything, I seriously mean EVERYTHING.

 

It’s embarrassing to admit, but I am a deeply closeted gay man and a middle-aged virgin (think of the title of the Steve Carell movie in 2005).  I have ZERO sexual experience with any human beings (never dated, never kissed, never held hands, never hugged/cuddled/touched anyone, male or female or anyone in between).

 

With the new year, I just realize I cannot die as a virgin.  The idea of hiring a provider hit me like a bullet train.  I started searching and researching on RM and came across this community/forum.

 

I have already messaged a few providers, but the initial contacts are still at the very early inquiry stage.  I have a few questions:

 

1.     When should I tell the provider the above background info about myself?  I read here that some providers may misinterpret the virgin label as a red flag for scams or “discounts” but I have NO intention of either.  I am afraid I’ll scare some providers away if I tell them too early.  On the flip side, if I tell them on the spot, some providers may be unprepared for or unwilling to continue with a newbie.  This is a dilemma.

 

2.     Will a 1-hour appointment be enough?

 

3.     Is it better to have an on-call or out-call setup?

 

Any advice will be much appreciated.  Thanks in advance.

 

{{{ lost lonely soul }}}

Unpopular opinion here: 

I say don’t do it and remain a virgin. 
Being free from the trappings of the desire for sex allows you to channel the energy that the rest of us have lost, to do great things, with an easier sense of focus. 

Once you have sex, you’ve literally bitten the “apple” from the tree of knowledge. Your eyes will be opened to so many things and will be vulnerable to the weaknesses that sexual beings have. 

One’s sense of judgment is clouded by the desire for sex.

One’s emotions are poorly managed due to their desire for sex.

One’s dumbest decisions usually revolve around the desire for sex. 

The desire for sex has brought down world leaders, politicians, business magnates, and entertainers.

I say all of this to say that you shouldn’t be ashamed of being a virgin. And do not allow anyone or anything to pressure you into doing it. That purity you have is beyond powerful. You have a sense of clarity in your mind and spirit, that most of the world doesn’t. 

And @pubic_assistance, I know you’re going to roll your eyes at me, so bring it. 😂

Edited January 27 by Monarchy79

[moonlight]

If you want to go down this route, it might be helpful to think of a stepwise approach, to gradually expose you to increasing levels of intimacy:

1) Start with completely therapeutic (non-sexual) massages. Become comfortable being naked (albeit draped) in front of someone, and with someone else touching you, in a non-sexual environment. You might want to start with a female therapist to remove any possible sexual connotation if the thought of a male therapist gives you anxiety and then progress from there.

2) Erotic massage from rentmasseur. No pressure to perform on your part. You can see where the session goes and gently state your boundaries if it goes too far for you. Find a masseur well-reviewed on this site. You could mention to him during the session that you're newly out. IMO, no need to share info like that prior to meeting (or at all).

3) Rentmen. Might be helpful to find someone who in their profile says they welcome first-timers. Here I think it would be appropriate to briefly explain your situation and what you're looking for. Be direct and succinct in your message.

Though if you feel like you're ready to go to #3 I don't see a problem with that.

[moonlight]

12 minutes ago, Monarchy79 said:

Unpopular opinion here: 

I say don’t do it and remain a virgin. 
being free from the trappings of the desire for sex allows you to channel the energy that the rest of us has lost, tO do great things, with a easier focus. 

Once you have sex, you’ve literally bitten the “apple” from the tree of knowledge. You’ve eyes will be opened to so many things and will be vulnerable to the weaknesses that sexual beings have. 

One’s sense of judgment is clouded by the desire for sex.

One’s emotions are poorly managed due to their desire for sex.

One’s dumbest decisions usually revolve around the desire for sex. 
 

The desire for sex has brought down world leaders, politicians, business magnates, and entertainers.

i say all of this to say that you shouldn’t be ashamed of being a virgin. And do not allow anyone or anything pressure you into doing it. That purity you have is beyond powerful. You have a sense of clarity in your mind and spirit, that most of the world doesn’t. 
 

And @pubic_assistance, I know you’re going to Roll your eyes at me, so bring it. 😂

I would guess that with most men, the damage of continued repression and regret would be greater than the negative aspects of being sexually active. There's a cost to repression that, for some, compounds over time like bad debt.

[moonlight]

1 hour ago, BenjaminNicholas said:

This is also what I would recommend.

An escort is only going to exacerbate your social issues by making it too easy. 

You need to force yourself to make friends, go out, be social, fail, succeed.  This is life.

Live life. 

Live life now.

For a middle-aged guy, this seems like it might be a tough hurdle to clear. How many guys out there want to be with a 40-something with 0 experience? I honestly don't know how difficult that would be, but I can see the case for learning the ropes with providers first before progressing to dating or hookup apps in this instance. I could be wrong.

[Monarchy79]

8 minutes ago, moonlight said:

I would guess that with most men, the damage of continued repression and regret would be greater than the negative aspects of being sexually active. There's a cost to repression that, for some, compounds over time like bad debt.

You’ve made an excellent point that I didn’t consider. 
 

Would it be repression  if the person has no knowledge of what they are missing? 

[Monarchy79]

2 hours ago, BenjaminNicholas said:

This is also what I would recommend.

An escort is only going to exacerbate your social issues by making it too easy. 

You need to force yourself to make friends, go out, be social, fail, succeed.  This is life.

Live life. 

Live life now.

So you want him to subject himself to all of the crazy guys, messy friends, weirdos, and bad sex that that rest of us had to endure in our youth… 😂😂😂😂

 

 

[moonlight]

3 minutes ago, Monarchy79 said:

You’ve made an excellent point that I didn’t consider. 
 

Would it be repression  if the person has no knowledge of what they are missing? 

Yes. But I'm sure the OP knows, at some level, what he's been missing. He's been fantasizing about it for most of his life without acting on it. Surely that comes at a cost.

[Nightowl]

Start with a sensual massage rather than erotic and look for someone who has his own studio if you can find one near you.  That way you can bail if you don’t like the look of it or how the session goes (after paying, of course). 60 minutes is enough to start but it goes by fast, so even 90 isn’t too much.  I don’t recommend starting by hiring an escort.  That could be too much for your first experience.  Sensual massage differs by provider but you can usually expect him to touch intimate areas of your body (ass/asshole, balls, cock) and you will likely get a hard-on.  Don’t try to hide it; that tells the provider he’s hitting the right spots and giving you pleasure, so don’t be embarrassed.  If you’re uncomfortable with what’s happening, tell him.  If you like what he’s doing, tell him that too.  The most awkward moments for me my first time with a sensual massage were at the beginning.  I wanted sensual but didn’t know how to ask for it and wasn’t sure what was “allowed.” As a first-timer you might just want to tell  him “I’ve never done this before” and let him take the lead. With a sensual massage you’ll probably get a happy ending.  Whether that qualifies as losing your virginity is yours to determine.  Full-fledged sex is also available for hire with escorts and some erotic massages but I really wouldn’t recommend starting there.  I guarantee you that right after your first sensual massage you’ll be ready to schedule your next. As for telling him you’re a virgin, I personally don’t think he needs to know if you’re just getting a sensual massage but that’s your call.  If you’re booking someone with the intent of having full-blown sex, you probably do want to let him know…BTW, my thoughts are from the perspective of a client.  Providers will have another perspective that may differ.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

45 minutes ago, Monarchy79 said:

Would it be repression  if the person has no knowledge of what they are missing? 

He's a virgin, not Helen Keller. 

I'm sure he's watched pornography.

He's well aware of what he's missing.

[Mk27]

So my thoughts were pretty true.  BS question just for BS responses.   I’ll be posting question soon on how I’m a 18 year old w a 11 inch cock but too afraid to hurt someone w it.   Plz let me know if I’m wrong.  Kind of over this bs site 

[MaybeMaybeNot]

I didn't have sex until I was 32, and it was many more years until I tried anal. My vote is, go for the whole shebang of what you want.  Hiring is the easiest way to get the sex you want, and if you pick the right provider, you have someone on your side. 

How long depends on you. Are you going to have buyers remorse the moment you cum? Or, do you want some cuddle and connecting time? Personally,  I don't like to be rushed; I enjoy savoring my time with a guy. If there is a connection,  I never get bored cuddling and making out. 

I can't do incalls, so I can't speak to that.  I would say, when you meet, let them know it's your first time.  It shouldn't matter when setting up your appointment. 

[Monarchy79]

One important point to note. If you decide to hire a professional for the first time, do your research and find someone who works well with first timers. Please use this site to do as much vetting as possible. 

Having a terrible experience with a scammer, junkie, robber, abuser or many of the archetypes that have been discussed in these forums could be extremely traumatizing for someone’s first time. 

Edited January 27 by Monarchy79

[Monarchy79]

2 hours ago, BenjaminNicholas said:

He's a virgin, not Helen Keller. 

I'm sure he's watched pornography.

He's well aware of what he's missing.

True. 
But watching porn has no comparison to the sensorial aspects of live sex that will change one’s response to all of their physical senses, forever. 

I remember watching porn as a teen and jacking off to it. But the moment I had physical contact with a man in person for the first time, a light switch (more like circuit breaker) ignited and heightened all of my senses!! To this day, I still remember the feeling, the tastes and the scents of that scenario. 
 

[CuriousByNature]

15 hours ago, lostlonelysoul said:

Absolutely brand new to everything here.  By everything, I seriously mean EVERYTHING.

 

It’s embarrassing to admit, but I am a deeply closeted gay man and a middle-aged virgin (think of the title of the Steve Carell movie in 2005).  I have ZERO sexual experience with any human beings (never dated, never kissed, never held hands, never hugged/cuddled/touched anyone, male or female or anyone in between).

 

With the new year, I just realize I cannot die as a virgin.  The idea of hiring a provider hit me like a bullet train.  I started searching and researching on RM and came across this community/forum.

 

I have already messaged a few providers, but the initial contacts are still at the very early inquiry stage.  I have a few questions:

 

1.     When should I tell the provider the above background info about myself?  I read here that some providers may misinterpret the virgin label as a red flag for scams or “discounts” but I have NO intention of either.  I am afraid I’ll scare some providers away if I tell them too early.  On the flip side, if I tell them on the spot, some providers may be unprepared for or unwilling to continue with a newbie.  This is a dilemma.

 

2.     Will a 1-hour appointment be enough?

 

3.     Is it better to have an on-call or out-call setup?

 

Any advice will be much appreciated.  Thanks in advance.

 

{{{ lost lonely soul }}}

First, I know that my reply will garner 'eye rolls' and 'verbose' emojis from the usual suspects.

Second, I'm sorry that you consider yourself a lost and lonely soul, and hope that you know that you matter very much.

Third, I'm now into my 50s and it sounds from your description like we are in very similar boats, though the reasons for that may be different.  I have never had any level of sexual activity with any female or male either (except for some traumatic things that happened before I was in school)

Please do not be worried about dying as a virgin.  There are many worse things to die as.  Our lives are not defined by how sexually active we are or are not.  Increasingly, society puts more and more pressure on people to conform to what society considers 'norms'.  It isn't always easy to see that when you feel so incredibly different from everybody else - I know that feeling all too well, myself.   

Whatever decision you make, please ensure that you protect yourself.  This forum has a lot of great advice regarding HIV and STIs, and ways to reduce the risks.  This may seem obvious, but never take someone's else's word when it comes to your own health and safety.  People will tell you they are HIV negative and on PreP, but you can never be sure.  Even if they show you their latest negative panel of test results, these are only as valid as the date of the test.  Others will say they are negative, when in fact they are positive.  If they are undetectable that is one thing, but if they are not - or do not take their antivirals properly - you could face greater risks.  One provider in particular used to have "Positive/Undetectable" as their status, but now they list themselves as, "Negative and on PreP".   

Please know that I am not trying to scare you.  I know fine and well that contemplating the potential loss of virginity in your 40s or beyond can be anxiety-ridden.  It would probably be good to speak to your doctor in order to make sure you have the most appropriate vaccines, are able to discuss PreP and Doxy PEP, and can receive other medical advice - and there are many incredible people on this forum who are very willing to provide helpful advice, stories of their own experiences, and encouragement.   There are also some less than helpful people on here who seem to prefer tearing people down rather than building them up.  But unlike an STI, those people can be ignored and they will eventually go away  

And whoever your first time is with, whether that is someone you date, or a provider - or if you wait for a committed monogamous relationship - just be honest that you are inexperienced.   Their reaction will help you decide whether to proceed or not.

I wish you all the best, and thank you for making your post.  Even though you may find yourself in a lonely space, you are most definitely not alone. 

 

Edited January 27 by CuriousByNature

[+ Jamie21]

Tell them when you first message. Say you’re totally inexperienced and about what you’d like and why. Not a long message but just the headlines. You’ll get a few declines and guys who ignore you: that’s fine because they’d have been unsuitable anyway and that’s how you find out. 

I’d suggest to book an hour with a sensual / erotic masseur rather than an escort but the label matters less than finding the right person. Just aim for intimacy, not full sex or anything. Experience touch and being close to someone. Just be present with him and have no targets or anything other than to touch and cuddle. If you feel comfortable with him (does he make you feel approved of? - that’s the test) then book another session perhaps longer and explore further. 

After two or three sessions of this, without losing your virginity to him, try meeting people and socialising. I think it would be preferable for you to find a partner to progress further rather than with a provider, if it’s to be your first time having sex. The provider can get you over the initial difficult hurdle but you can do the rest. Good luck X 


 

Edited January 27 by Jamie21