Running into a provider …

[NyGold]

 

 

 

Curious … thoughts on etiquette - if you run into a provider outside that context.

I was once told by a prominent guy “If we EVER run into each other especially if I’m with other people, remember, we never met”.  I’ve remembered that ever since.

Ive often seen providers I’ve met at bars, parties and even having coffee at Starbucks. I’ve just ignored and truth is I think they would not recognize me out of context. 

The other day I realized a guy I’ve seen a couple of times was at the table next to me at a restaurant. We made eye contact for like 2 seconds and I quickly broke and looked away. A couple of  hours later, I received an angry text. That I was incredibly rude and hurtful, how it was clear I did not respect him as a person because I looked down on his profession, that I thought I could discard him and didn’t realize he had feelings etc. 

I was taken aback - and immediately sent an apology and explained I thought he would prefer discretion and assured him if he had approached my table m I would have introduced him to my friends

No response, and when I followed up a few days later to see if we were ok I saw he blocked me.

Did I really do something so offensive? 

[jeezifonly]

I keep it very low-key and professional.

[uclablueyes]

Discretion is implied with this profession. Imagine someone with a wife and kids. Some people are not quick on their feet when put to task. How do you introduce him? If the wife asks “how do you guys meet?” She will figure it out. Or Vice versa, what if the provider is not out with his business to his friends or family. It could put him in an awkward position. Privacy is implied with this profession and, if he is a professional, he will understand. I would. Maybe I’m wrong but I feel that’s the silent pact you make when engaging in this business. 

[+ DynamicUno]

No, I don't see you doing anything wrong.  You don't mention if he was dining with companions or alone, but even if he's alone he is entitled to some discretion.

His reaction was over the top. I can't see any reason he should expect a client to approach him socially outside, especially when you're with friends or coworkers.  Maybe there was something in your expression when you recognized him that showed you were embarrassed or uneasy, but that still doesn't justify his reaction.

If he's in a place where he is likely to run into clients and burns them if they don't greet him like old college chums, he'll kill of his repeat business pretty quick.

[Jamie21]

I don’t think you did anything wrong. I must admit I probably wouldn’t recognise clients outside of context (unless they’re regulars) and if I do see a client I discreetly nod and then ignore them. I’d expect the same back.

I did once get seen by a client at a naked beach in Mykonos but I count that as being in context! I was walking along the shoreline with a friend. Once we’d found somewhere to settle I looked at my phone to see a text from the client ‘Jamie, did I just see you at Elia beach?’….I replied and asked him where he was. Turns out he was with his husband on sunbeds about 50 metres away so once I checked it was ok I went over and said hello, and he joked that he only recognised me because I was naked. The husband knew he hired. Small world. 

[tbuzzsaw]

You didn't do anything wrong. His initial reaction might have been understandable, but he was way too butt hurt after the apology and explanation.

[56harrisond]

 

[NyGold]

3 hours ago, DynamicUno said:

No, I don't see you doing anything wrong.  You don't mention if he was dining with companions or alone, but even if he's alone he is entitled to some discretion.

His reaction was over the top. I can't see any reason he should expect a client to approach him socially outside, especially when you're with friends or coworkers.  Maybe there was something in your expression when you recognized him that showed you were embarrassed or uneasy, but that still doesn't justify his reaction.

If he's in a place where he is likely to run into clients and burns them if they don't greet him like old college chums, he'll kill of his repeat business pretty quick.

He was alone reading on his iPad - but I thought he may have people join any minute and wanted to spare him awkwardness 

[+ poolboy48220]

The only thing I would have done differently is give a quick smile and a nod of recognition, rather that just looking away.  But I agree his reaction was overdone. 

[zzed]

I don't think you did anything wrong but his reaction was way over the top.

I saw a dancer/ provider in the Gouverneur hotel restaurant one morning and he saw me too... he was with what I assumed were his parents so I just smiled and he smiled back. Not enough for anyone to notice.

When I saw him again that night, he confirmed it was his parents and thanked me profusely for not saying anything or coming over to his table. He then proceeded to thank me again with another amazing session that I'll never forget!!!

[+ poolboy48220]

I remember running into one of the dancers from the go-go boy bar in the locker room of the gym.  He said something like "My worlds are colliding" 😄

[+ Drew Collins]

@NyGoldI've been hiring masseurs for more than half my life now.  (I just turned 50.)  Mostly in NYC and Los Angeles, where I have often seen providers, and have been seen, out and about.  I do not think you did anything wrong.  IMO, discretion should be the general rule, unless otherwise mutually agreed upon.  As @poolboy48220above posted, perhaps a nod or a small smile of acknowledgement would have been ideal.  But after your follow up text apology and explanation....the provider blocking you says more about him than it does you.

 

[rvwnsd]

8 hours ago, NyGold said:

Curious … thoughts on etiquette - if you run into a provider outside that context...

 

I've run into providers several times, especially when I lived in San Diego. Although I didn't live in Hillcrest or North Park (the gayborhoods), Normal Heights (where I lived) was up-and-coming and home to lots of LBGT+ folk.

8 hours ago, NyGold said:

...I was once told by a prominent guy “If we EVER run into each other especially if I’m with other people, remember, we never met”.  I’ve remembered that ever since...

A lot of providers and clients follow this practice.

8 hours ago, NyGold said:

...Ive often seen providers I’ve met at bars, parties and even having coffee at Starbucks. I’ve just ignored...

I've done the very same thing. You never know who a provider is with or waiting for. In fact, when I was a facilitator of a coming-out group, we assured our members that we would never approach them or acknowledge them outside of the group unless they initiated. 

8 hours ago, NyGold said:

...The other day I realized a guy I’ve seen a couple of times was at the table next to me at a restaurant. We made eye contact for like 2 seconds and I quickly broke and looked away.

3 hours ago, NyGold said:

He was alone reading on his iPad - but I thought he may have people join any minute and wanted to spare him awkwardness 

This sounds like an appropriate response to me. You also don't know who is walking by your tables.

8 hours ago, NyGold said:

...A couple of  hours later, I received an angry text. That I was incredibly rude and hurtful, how it was clear I did not respect him as a person because I looked down on his profession, that I thought I could discard him and didn’t realize he had feelings etc...

I was taken aback - and immediately sent an apology and explained I thought he would prefer discretion and assured him if he had approached my table m I would have introduced him to my friends

No response, and when I followed up a few days later to see if we were ok I saw he blocked me...

To me, the angry text was unwarranted. For starters, you didn't do anything wrong. Second, there's no reason to get angry. A text like "Hey, I saw you at the restaurant. How come you didn't say hello" would have been appropriate.

It is interesting that he didn't acknowledge you. 

8 hours ago, NyGold said:

...Did I really do something so offensive? 

No, I don't think you did anything offensive or impolite. You were practicing discretion. The provider overreacted. 

Unless a guy and I have already agreed on how to approach one another outside of the context of a playdate, I don't acknowledge him. Most guys do the same. I ran into a former provider at a farmer's market who was holding hands with a guy. He smiled at me, and I smiled back. A few minutes later, he walked up and said hello and explained the guy was a new boyfriend and that it was OK to say hi. Another guy I ran into thanked me for not saying hello when we were standing next to each other in line at the supermarket. He was with a friend who knew all of his other friends and did not know he escorted.

[dbar123]

I’ve seen a few of my providers at the gym working out. I’ve not acknowledged them and they’ve not acknowledged me. It’s nobody’s business.

[CuriousByNature]

I don't believe you did anything wrong from your description of the events.  His reaction seems to be excessive, but it shows that even providers (who many people might assume are always super-confident) have their own vulnerabilities and sensitivities too.

[liubit]

15 hours ago, zzed said:

I don't think you did anything wrong but his reaction was way over the top.

I saw a dancer/ provider in the Gouverneur hotel restaurant one morning and he saw me too... he was with what I assumed were his parents so I just smiled and he smiled back. Not enough for anyone to notice.

When I saw him again that night, he confirmed it was his parents and thanked me profusely for not saying anything or coming over to his table. He then proceeded to thank me again with another amazing session that I'll never forget!!!

I had an almost identical experience a few years ago, @zzed and this is what I wrote about it in another thread:

“Some time ago, while I was having lunch with friends at a restaurant, I spotted a young escort (19-20) with whom I had had a very hot session the day before. He was sitting a few tables away with an older couple, and they were finishing their meal. As they walked past my table on their way out he looked at me intensely and I saw in his beautiful eyes that he was terrified that I might make a move. Reading him, I refrained from even batting an eye. He later texted me to thank me: the older couple were his parents, who had no clue about his extra curricular activities. He said it would have been awkward for him to explain who “his old gentleman friend” was. I was happy I followed my instincts and his cue: we had many torrid sessions after this accidental encounter.”

 

 

[+ purplekow]

As he was alone, I think it would have been acceptable to pass his table on the way to the men's room and nod acknowledgement or even offer some small talk, such as small world or some such.  But in general, you took the safest route with discretion.  He was out of line.  However, it may have been that he was going to acknowledge you and he felt rebuffed and somewhat humiliated.   That festered and he lashed out at you.  That does not excuse his not accepting your explanation and ultimately blocking you.  

[+ azdr0710]

saw a local provider I'd met with a few times at Costco several check-out lines down from me......we were both alone and we both nodded......I wondered whether to be discreet, but the context seemed like a quick "hello" as we each left the check-outs would be appropriate.......I said hey and we talked about a nearby fire that had just happened.......he seemed just a tiny tiny bit surprised I'd say hi, but it didn't bother him too much, it seemed.........all good........

[marylander1940]

On 9/8/2023 at 1:05 AM, NyGold said:

 

 

 

Curious … thoughts on etiquette - if you run into a provider outside that context.

I was once told by a prominent guy “If we EVER run into each other especially if I’m with other people, remember, we never met”.  I’ve remembered that ever since.

Ive often seen providers I’ve met at bars, parties and even having coffee at Starbucks. I’ve just ignored and truth is I think they would not recognize me out of context. 

The other day I realized a guy I’ve seen a couple of times was at the table next to me at a restaurant. We made eye contact for like 2 seconds and I quickly broke and looked away. A couple of  hours later, I received an angry text. That I was incredibly rude and hurtful, how it was clear I did not respect him as a person because I looked down on his profession, that I thought I could discard him and didn’t realize he had feelings etc. 

I was taken aback - and immediately sent an apology and explained I thought he would prefer discretion and assured him if he had approached my table m I would have introduced him to my friends

No response, and when I followed up a few days later to see if we were ok I saw he blocked me.

Did I really do something so offensive? 

He was just too sensitive! You didn't do anything wrong! Unfortunately he lost a client with his behavior... 

The few times I've seen guys on the street that I've hired I simply wave at them without saying anything and wait for their reaction. If they're regulars they always stop and say hi even if they're with friends and introduce me as a former neighbor, coworker, etc. In restaurants while having dinners with escorts I was introduced as a visiting uncle twice. 

Where do you live that you often see providers in public places? 

[+ KensingtonHomo]

This guy was out of bounds. I run into providers from time to time. If they're regulars we might have a chat. We follow each other on Instagram, and in the contexts where I run into them (gay clubs, bars, concerts), it's easy to just know each other from the scene. Some of them are full SWs and open about it. Others are more discreet, so I am respectful and judge the situation by their response. 

[solacesoul]

Physicians, nurses and other healthcare professionals nowadays, due to HIPAA and other privacy concerns, are trained not to approach patients in public, and only acknowledge them once they approach the healthcare worker.

My urologist completely avoided me at the supermarket even though we crossed paths in the aisle. I circled back to say hello, and he explained that he does not approach or acknowledge his patients in settings outside the medical office due to patient privacy concerns. But if the patient acknowledges and approaches him, he will have a friendly exchange.

This is also probably the best approach for providers. 

Edited September 10, 2023 by solacesoul

[ICTJOCK]

On 9/8/2023 at 12:05 AM, NyGold said:

 

 

 

Curious … 

Did I really do something so offensive? 

You did nothing offensive.    Unfortunately,  there isn't a "preset"  etiquette  regarding this sort of thing.    I have seen clients of mine outside of bookings and most I have waved or spoken to.   If a client speaks to me,  I'm never uncomfortable.    I know a lot of people from different areas of my life and to wave to someone else would mean nothing to someone I just happened to be with.    

If questioned  (as I have been)  I say,   "he's just a client",  and we move on.     My suggestion is that if this bothers you,  you might ask the provider if seen,  how would you prefer I act?   That way,  everybody knows and it isn't an issue,  although I just don't like the "undertone"  of it personally.

[Guest]

I can flip the scenario... I've run into clients dozens of times in public ( restaurants, gyms, coffee shops, etc ) that are with their respective partners... I lived in Palm Springs for years and it's a relatively small town but I've also run into people I know in big cities as well.  If I see them and  they don't see me, I make myself invisible lol simply because I'd not want to make anyone nervous. 
These are situations where less is more and in the spirit of being discrete, it's probably a good call to not make for an awkward and unexpected encounter lol 😂 I've had people reach out saying they saw me while they were with their....... and thanked me for playing it cool. 

 

Edited September 10, 2023 by V_Marco

[NyGold]

On 9/9/2023 at 10:38 AM, marylander1940 said:

 

Where do you live that you often see providers in public places? 

New York - a large metropolis with small incestuous pockets  

[marylander1940]

2 minutes ago, NyGold said:

New York - a large metropolis with small incestuous pockets  

Midtown, I guess!