I offended a provider on a hookup site

[Rudynate]

The other day I had an interaction with a provider on a hookup site that ended up with him going away mad.   This guy has a profile on a hookup site that I frequent and he sent me a DM saying he would like to meet me.  His profile is very ambiguous - he talks about his years of experience as a pro, but then goes on at length about the kind of experience he's looking for, the kind of guys he's looking to meet, etc.  so that he sort of conveys the impression that he's on that site as a civilian.    I wanted some clarity so I said to him "I had the impression that you are a sex worker."   His response was indirect - something to the effect that I shouldn't even have to ask that question.  I pressed a little harder with "You have an active profile on Rentmen."  His response then was that I appeared to have a prejudice against his kind.   And that's the way we left it. 

A little later, I decided I should try to make nice, so I went back on and posted an apology - saying that I had been an asshole and I was sorry.  He thanked me for  the apology and said the whole interaction had been "disappointing."

Was I being an asshole or was it reasonable to expect some clarity from him?

[xax]

Question: is this hookup site like a Grindr type thing where he’s just looking to meet up to play (without money involved) or specifically for matching providers to clients?

if the answer is the former, then I don’t think this was the right forum for you to be asking about his rentmen profile, and I could see why he was turned off by it and suspicious of your line of questioning.

[Chancealot]

Ya you coulda been more nuanced I suppose but I guess if you’re on RM as a provider that’s always  a possibility 

[LA90046]

No offense, but I cannot imagine any context where the question "I had the impression that you are a sex worker" would be well-received.

[Rudynate]

Right - my manners temporarily deserted me.  Normally, when there's a question, I ask, "Are you a pro?"

[former lurker]

From his responses, it sounds like he interpreted your comments and questions as holding his escorting against him and a reason you would not like to meet him.  Seems you were as unclear in your messaging as was he.  Good of you apologize.  Had I been in your shoes, I would have thanked him for his interest and tried to arrange a meeting.  If he was looking for a client, he would need to communicate that before meeting.

[+ azdr0710]

Just for context, what hookup site was this?  Thanks. 

[RealAvalon]

4 hours ago, Rudynate said:

The other day I had an interaction with a provider on a hookup site that ended up with him going away mad.   This guy has a profile on a hookup site that I frequent and he sent me a DM saying he would like to meet me.  His profile is very ambiguous - he talks about his years of experience as a pro, but then goes on at length about the kind of experience he's looking for, the kind of guys he's looking to meet, etc.  so that he sort of conveys the impression that he's on that site as a civilian.    I wanted some clarity so I said to him "I had the impression that you are a sex worker."   His response was indirect - something to the effect that I shouldn't even have to ask that question.  I pressed a little harder with "You have an active profile on Rentmen."  His response then was that I appeared to have a prejudice against his kind.   And that's the way we left it. 

A little later, I decided I should try to make nice, so I went back on and posted an apology - saying that I had been an asshole and I was sorry.  He thanked me for  the apology and said the whole interaction had been "disappointing."

Was I being an asshole or was it reasonable to expect some clarity from him?

If he's that thin skinned I expect he's in the wrong business.  He was looking for business on Grindr or Scruff (or whatever) and wasn't being direct about it.  You being put in the position of having to ferret out clarity from him, that's hardly being an "asshole".   Sounds more like a bit of self-respect on your part. 

[+ KensingtonHomo]

3 hours ago, LA90046 said:

No offense, but I cannot imagine any context where the question "I had the impression that you are a sex worker" would be well-received.

Maybe it's because I'm pretty openly pro-sex worker in my life, but  I don't see any issue with asking someone that question. It's generally the preferred terminology for people who escort, do erotic massage, strip, etc. 

It sounds to me like he was being overly sensitive when you were just trying to determine if he was looking for business or interested in you on a personal basis. If you're publicly (operating with your face, etc. out there) a sex worker, and hitting people up on apps, I'd imagine this question is common place. 

[MiamiLooker]

Was there something in your profile that prompted him to DM you?

[Rudynate]

10 minutes ago, MiamiLooker said:

Was there something in your profile that prompted him to DM you?

Sure - I'm into FF and he styles himself as an expert FF top.

[Rudynate]

1 hour ago, azdr0710 said:

Just for context, what hookup site was this?  Thanks. 

Recon

[+ keroscenefire]

I kind of always assume that anyone on a hook-up site is there to hook up, not to hire/be hired. To me, the clarification should be more on the sex worker's end instead of the client's end especially if he is the one who initiates the conversation. Like if he DMs you on grindr, he should be pretty forthright that he is doing so as a sex worker not just to hook up. 

So I think you did make a mistake bringing up his SW stuff that you knew about from outside the hookup app. 

 

[Rudynate]

2 hours ago, former lurker said:

From his responses, it sounds like he interpreted your comments and questions as holding his escorting against him and a reason you would not like to meet him.  Seems you were as unclear in your messaging as was he.  Good of you apologize.  Had I been in your shoes, I would have thanked him for his interest and tried to arrange a meeting.  If he was looking for a client, he would need to communicate that before meeting.

Very perceptive  - thanks.  That  was exactly the issue.   He styles himself as an expert FF top.   When he said he wanted to meet me, my reaction was " YOU want to get into MY ass?  Not gonna happen."  So  it was convenient to make it about him being an escort instead of  just saying, "We're not a match."

[+ Lucky]

4 minutes ago, Rudynate said:

Very perceptive  - thanks.  That  was exactly the issue.   He styles himself as an expert FF top.   When he said he wanted to meet me, my reaction was " YOU want to get into MY ass?  Not gonna happen."  So  it was convenient to make it about him being an escort instead of  just saying, "We're not a match."

Not gonna happen? Isn't that what you were looking for?

[Rudynate]

21 minutes ago, Lucky said:

Not gonna happen? Isn't that what you were looking for?

But if you're not into a guy, or he turns you off, why would you have sex with him? 

[BtmBearDad]

6 hours ago, Rudynate said:

The other day I had an interaction with a provider on a hookup site that ended up with him going away mad.   This guy has a profile on a hookup site that I frequent and he sent me a DM saying he would like to meet me.  His profile is very ambiguous - he talks about his years of experience as a pro, but then goes on at length about the kind of experience he's looking for, the kind of guys he's looking to meet, etc.  so that he sort of conveys the impression that he's on that site as a civilian.    I wanted some clarity so I said to him "I had the impression that you are a sex worker."   His response was indirect - something to the effect that I shouldn't even have to ask that question.  I pressed a little harder with "You have an active profile on Rentmen."  His response then was that I appeared to have a prejudice against his kind.   And that's the way we left it. 

A little later, I decided I should try to make nice, so I went back on and posted an apology - saying that I had been an asshole and I was sorry.  He thanked me for  the apology and said the whole interaction had been "disappointing."

Was I being an asshole or was it reasonable to expect some clarity from him?

FWIW, I don’t think you were being an asshole in this situation. Texting, messaging on apps tends to be such a flat medium, I have found that some have inferred tone, intent, offense, etc. that was never there. Same with E-mail. 

I think you were right to get some clarity on whether this was a potentially paid encounter or not. I probably would have asked in a different manner, as I can see him thinking your inquiry about him being a sex worker could be viewed by him as “You’re a sex worker? Ewww! No thanks!”

If he -or anyone else- hitting you up on an app, and was someone you’d want an encounter with, and you had seen their ads on RM previously, maybe something like “I’ve noticed your ad on RM. Just to be clear, are you looking for business or just to play?” Or something along those lines. If he comes back with the former, you can decide with either an inquiry about pricing, services, etc. or with an “Ok, I’m on here just looking for play. Thanks!” Or similar. If he replies the latter - just looking to play - even better! 😉

Just my two cents. 
BBD 

Edited July 12, 2022 by BtmBearDad
Spelling error

[+ purplekow]

If you were interested in meeting him, then you should just have proceeded without the question as to whether or not he is a sex worker, unless there was some urgency in the contact and you wanted clarity fast.  Otherwise, that aspect would eventually. become clear.    If you were not interested, the question of whether or not he was looking for a job or a blow job is moot.  

Edited July 12, 2022 by purplekow

[+ nycman]

10 hours ago, Rudynate said:

But if you're not into a guy, or he turns you off, why would you have sex with him? 

But that also begs the question….

If you weren’t interested in hooking up with him,
then why did you need to clarify if he’s a sex worker or not?

I’m having a hard time creating a scenario where you don’t
come off looking like a tool. 

[RyanDean]

I'm in the both/and camp. Because he was forthright about his experience as a pro in his ad, your seeking clarity makes sense. But because you invoked his being a SW as a convenient way to issue your "not in a million years" response, he's also justified in being offended or "disappointed"...  

Buf if you're asking AITA: my answer would be "yes"...

[Rudynate]

3 hours ago, nycman said:

But that also begs the question….

If you weren’t interested in hooking up with him,
then why did you need to clarify if he’s a sex worker or not?

I’m having a hard time creating a scenario where you don’t
come off looking like a tool. 

That's Ok, it wouldn't be my first "tool" moment.

Absolutely correct.  Since I had no interest, I shouldn't have even responded in the first place.   It was a moment of curiosity - "Why would this guy be wanting to hook up with me?"

[+ Pensant]

I would’ve just laughed and moved on. 

[Rudynate]

3 minutes ago, Pensant said:

I would’ve just laughed and moved on. 

Best advice I have read in this thread.

 

[lurker123]

well, the thing is, if you think he's a sex worker then it's VERY likely that he is. Regardless he is or not, sex engaged through Grindr can still be $$$ free. I have heard providers do it.

[+ DrownedBoy]

A lot of people (not just providers) on apps have thin skins. Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings. Apps seem to attract more a**holes than nice guys.

However, I personally think that escort made a stupid response. When you asked about him being an escort, he should have pointed you to his RM ad and asked you to contact him there if you were interested in him. He could have made some money.