Completely Lost

[Aces]

New here, first post. I hope I'm doing everything right...I don't want to get banned, I'm just looking for help.

This may become a long post, I honestly don't know. It feels like my brain is going to burst if I don't vent this.

I'm 52 and my sexuality has often been a question which has gone mostly unanswered. While I have lived a straight life, my eyes and my mind have definitely wandered. I have imagined having a lot of "special" guy friends, fantasized about casual encounters, wondered what it would be like to be in love with a man. So far, these remain only thoughts.

A few years ago I worked with a guy, kinda cute, kinda goofy but attractive. He was straight and married. We became good friends pretty quickly and I learned that he liked physical closeness (not sex) with other guys. The first time I walked up behind him and put my arms around his waist, it set my mind on fire! Whether it was real or just the excitement of the closeness...I began having feelings for him; and it scared the shit out of me.

Fast forward: I lost my mom October 2021 and my dad five years before. I was (am) grieving and lonely. Started occupying my mind as much as possible with work, podcasts, porn. Porn led me to Reddit. On Reddit there are innumerable guys posting photos and these guys range from just okay to freaking beautiful. These photos...of real, amateur, normal guys...made me think more about a relationship with a guy.

The problem, and I guess the reason for this post: I looked at them, and then I looked at ME. I look in the mirror (which is always dangerous it seems) and I don't see anything that would attract someone. I don't think I'm hideous, but I'm not good looking.

I hate that I didn't do something with these feelings and questions when I was young and good looking.

I hate being my age and finding younger guys so irresistible...knowing that I'll never be with them.

I hate thinking and feeling like I did when I was 25 or 30...and looking in the mirror to see this "older guy" looking back at me.

Sometimes I just hate myself.

This did become a long post, and for those who made it all the way through I apologize for that. I needed *someone* to know this along with me; to hear how this feels.

Thoughts, insights, ideas are all welcome.

Thank you.

[+ Coolwave35]

I am 38. I don’t represent well in thumbnails so hook up apps aren’t fun for me. but I can pick up anyone in a bar by being flirty and engaging. 

Use the tools you got and enjoy your freedom by exploring your sexuality. That’s my advice. 

[MscleLovr]

I could sympathize with your expressed difficulties @Aces but I don’t feel that is what you need. 
 

I think you need to start living your life on your own terms. Regret is a terrible thing, but you are now middle-aged and you need to take action.
 

I suggest you join a gym and take regular exercise: you will become fitter over time, and you will be in better health. This will help improve your self-image. 
Also, if there is a gay group in your area, you should definitely ask them for advice and help. 

[+ robear]

Woulda shoulda coulda gets none of us anywhere. Be in the now and create the life you want for yourself, starting today. Make an inventory of your abilities and interesting things about you that others might share, drawing them to you. Are you a good cook, avid reader, green-thumb gardener, Star Trek nut, etc.? Emphasize the plusses, not on your (perceived) minuses.

Focus on meeting and learning to socialize with gay/bi men, without loading it with expectations of sex or romance, at least at first. Volunteer at a gay organization, join a gay book club, etc. Depends of course on where you live, may not be readily available if not in a big city, but the internet is your friend.

Finally, and maybe it's a cliche, but this is a big period of transition in your life. If not already doing so, find a gay-affirming therapist to help you unpack all this stuff. There are a thousand details that strangers on a chat board can't possibly process. Geography is not an impediment, since lockdown many therapists have remained available via Zoom etc. Contact a big-city LGBT+ org for help or referrals.

Good luck to you, and congratulations on your new journey!

[uwsman2]

There are young men out there who are attracted to older men.  Don’t assume that connecting with somebody is an impossible task.  Get out into the world and be open to opportunities. 

[wsc]

Been there, done that, wasn't fun. That's why I'm so delighted to now be 73 and not have to care if somebody likes me or not. I'm at the stage now where if I hurt my wrist, I have to lay off sex for a week or two. Hook-ups are not really a part of my current lifestyle and I've grown comfortable with that.

I'm not saying you should wait 20 years and see what happens, but I am saying you're not the first to experience these feelings and you're not alone.

A few perspectives:

• I was in my 60's before I ate my first scallop; didn't think I'd like them. And I was right. But I wouldn't know that if I hadn't tried one. If you've never had sex with a man, you won't know if it's really to your liking until you try.
• In The Deli section, I read members' descriptions of gorgeous escorts I wouldn't take a second look at; I just don't see the attraction. It's a constant reminder that "Nobody is everyone's type, and everyone is somebody's type." Don't sell yourself short. Somebody out there will think you're perfect for them.
• You're on a site that features information on young men (and some not so young) willing to satisfy your curiosity about male-on-male closeness. It can be a bumpy ride and is not without risks. But if you're inclined to try this route, sticking to well-reviewed providers on this site will lessen the chances for a bad experience. For my maiden voyage -all those years ago- I had no such resource. I did my shopping in Times Square and it wasn't the best of times, but it did make me realize I wanted more. I liked those "scallops!"
• Imagine you are 73 and say to yourself, "If only I were 52 again and had the rest of my life in front of me." Well, you are and you do, so make the most of it.

Best of luck and keep us posted. And Welcome to our family.

[mike carey]

@wsc  I love scallops. Sauted in garlic and butter. Or chilli.

You see what I did there, everyone has different tastes. One man's meat is another man's poison. Or one man's scallops ...

[+ JEC]

Nothing productive can come from looking back, and hating yourself and your choices.  The best thing you can do is to look forward, and make choices you will be happy with.

I can't claim to identify with your situation since I have been clear on my sexuality from the start and have been "out" since the age of 18, but I do empathize.

There have been some good suggestions here re: therapists, gay community resources and getting involved starting in a non-sexual way. 

And, as for younger guys, "daddy" is a thing.  There are lots of younger guys attracted to older men (and not all have "daddy issues"). 

Many providers (rentmen) will tell you that a large % of clients lead straight lives and are either experimenting, or do this as an ongoing thing to "have their cake and eat it too". 

There is no perfect person, perfect life, and perfect set of choices.   Humans are by nature imperfect beings.  We create so much negativity by expecting perfection from ourselves instead of accepting and working with our imperfections.   This extends to relationships, too.

The fact that you posted this is a big step forward.   You are clearly at an inflection point.  You can have a happier more fulfilling life, ideally with the help of a therapist. 

Good luck..... 😉

[wsc]

16 minutes ago, mike carey said:

@wsc  I love scallops. Sauted in garlic and butter. Or chilli.

You see what I did there, everyone has different tastes. One man's meat is another man's poison. Or one man's scallops ...

I agree that garlic, butter, and/or chili improve the taste of anything; that combo would make dog food delicious. But the texture of a scallop is a little off-putting to me, something like straight sex; so I prefer hot dogs to scallops.😉

Edited April 7, 2022 by wsc

[Rudynate]

It doesn't matter how old a guy is, he will be more successful in the sexual marketplace if he is fit and well-kept.  You can't  do a damn thing about your age, but your fitness level is completely within your control.  Ignore that voice that says "they should like me for me and not the way I look," or "But I don't like to exercise" and get started.

Edited April 7, 2022 by Rudynate
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[+ WilliamM]

6 hours ago, MscleLovr said:

I could sympathize with your expressed difficulties @Aces but I don’t feel that is what you need. 
 

I think you need to start living your life on your own terms. Regret is a terrible thing, but you are now middle-aged and you need to take action.
 

I suggest you join a gym and take regular exercise: you will become fitter over time, and you will be in better health. This will help improve your self-image. 
Also, if there is a gay group in your area, you should definitely ask them for advice and help. 

Seeing a gay therapist is far more important than "hitting the gym."

[Rudynate]

I don't know - taking action can ameliorate all sorts of problems.

[+ StLouisOct]

While you’re considering all of the advice from this forum about self improvement, I recommend looking at RentMen and hiring a guy to help you explore the pleasures of being with a guy. I bet you’ll find it rewarding, eye-opening and worth repeating.

Edited April 7, 2022 by StLouisOct

[BeamerBikes]

Therapy, getting active, moving, gym...  

All great suggestions... You're not happy at present situation.  Only way to improve that is to embrace a change needed.  Staying stuck won't help.  So start small and stay consistent. 

[+ The Big Guy]

Thanks for sharing your story.  I can attest it’s never too late.  I knew I was gay in my late twenties but did not act on it until I was in my late 40’s.  I had a nice young man of about 28 at the time that started paying attention to me in the gym.  I had a hard time believing he was interested but after about 6 months of flirting I finally asked him for a drink after working out one night.  Things grew from there and we had a long term relationship until he sadly died during Covid.  Like you I never thought a young guy would be interested but that relationship will always be special to me.   Best wishes and I encourage you to give it a chance.  

[Guest]

21 hours ago, Aces said:

... I look in the mirror (which is always dangerous it seems) and I don't see anything that would attract someone...

10 hours ago, WilliamM said:

Seeing a gay therapist is far more important than "hitting the gym."

The two aren't mutually exclusive. 

To the OP: don't despair. I'm in my late 50s and have been sleeping in the same bed as a man in his late 20s for almost a year now. It must be my winning personality! 😄

[guy7777]

I'm a Gen X guy and recently experienced a a dark period in my life in regards to several factors. I knew that I wanted to make a couple of new friends. I'm mostly interested in having a relationship, but one step at a time. Working out and eating a better diet really helped me to feel more confident and it overlapped with improving some other areas in my life. Change sometimes comes very slow, but you have to be committed to improving yourself and learning to ignore what brings you down. Learn from your f**k ups and don't allow setbacks to sabotage any positive thinking and changes. Be patient and be learn to tolerate being uncomfortable and awkward at times

Just wanted to add that I agree with others to see a therapist if you need to. Too many people avoid seeking help for their mental health concerns. I found therapy to be extremely helpful when I found the right therapist for me. I know it's not always that easy

Edited April 8, 2022 by guy7777

[+ Charlie]

I don't know how close you were to your parents, but from your description it sounds like you are also dealing with the loss of a relationship that may have compensated for your lack of a romantic/sex life (and which may also have inhibited you from having the latter?). It may sound strange coming from someone on a a site about gay escorts, but friends are more important than sex for most people. I agree with those who have suggested seeing a professional therapist (I sound like "Dear Abby" here), but socializing with sympathetic gay men is probably more important than searching for sex partners at this point in your development of a new life.

[Luv2play]

On 4/7/2022 at 10:33 AM, wsc said:

I agree that garlic, butter, and/or chili improve the taste of anything; that combo would make dog food delicious. But the texture of a scallop is a little off-putting to me, something like straight sex; so I prefer hot dogs to scallops.😉

I am surprised that you find the texture of scallops offputting. I find that the texture of a fresh (not previously frozen) scallop, either poached or broiled, is simply scrumptious. But then I recognize, tastes vary.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Charlie said:

...socializing with sympathetic gay men is probably more important than searching for sex partners at this point in your development of a new life.

True, but, again, these things aren't mutually exclusive. Seek friends and hire an escort. And counseling if you'd think that would help. I've never looked back on my life and wished I'd have had less sex. Any consensual sex is good sex! 😃

[+ Charlie]

3 hours ago, Unicorn said:

 Any consensual sex is good sex! 😃

You obviously haven't had as much sex as I have😒

[nate_sf]

As a provider I can attest that it is not at all unusual for a guy to discover, or act on his sexuality later in life. So don't beat yourself up over it. As you meet more gay guys, you'll find others who have also come out later. It's a process for all of us, on our own time.

And as others have mentioned, it's not unusual for younger guys to be interested in older guys. I started to notice this in my 40s, and like @The Big Guy couldn't quite believe it at first. Not all young guys of course, but plenty enough. With the suggestions others have provided for therapy and fitness, you can be starting a new chapter of your life you may have never thought possible. 

[jtwalker]

I’m closeted, “straight”, and the curiosity turned into a porn addiction and I finally realized I had a question that had to be answered.  There was only one way to answer the question, so I opted for a paid engagement because I knew there were no strings attached.

I can’t say I’ve solved all my sexual identity problems, but the curiosity is gone and porn addiction has been finally kicked because I no longer wonder. 

I may yet decide to give up on all of this as there is more to life than sex, but I don’t think I would have ever found myself in control if I hadn’t been honest with myself enough to know that there was an itch that had to be scratched.

Maybe I’m alone in this, or maybe we are not all as different as we think.

Edited April 9, 2022 by jtwalker

[Winky]

I think anything that makes you feel better about yourself will help a lot. I believe a lot of our (esp. gay) sexuality has to do with how we feel about our own bodies. Sure, exercise, fitness, wellness, etc. but there are also so many small ways to see yourself as more physically attractive - clothes, haircut, posture - and more attractive in other ways that really count despite our culture of adonis-obsession - positivity, showing an interest in others and their stories, eye contact, smiling and laughing.

I'm not sure that paying for sex will help. It might give you practice and teach you techniques, but it could also backfire and make you question whether the person you're paying is attracted to you. I know that's a controversial statement in this forum, but you're in a vulnerable phase of discovery. And a potentially exciting one!

[Guest]

7 hours ago, jtwalker said:

I’m closeted, “straight”...

I didn't know straights needed to be in the closet. The "gay agenda" went even farther than I imagined. Maybe you could buy this T-shirt for confidence! 😄