Aces

New here, first post. I hope I'm doing everything right...I don't want to get banned, I'm just looking for help. This may become a long post, I honestly don't know. It feels like my brain is going to burst if I don't vent this. I'm 52 and my sexuality has often been a question which has gone mostly unanswered. While I have lived a straight life, my eyes and my mind have definitely wandered. I have imagined having a lot of "special" guy friends, fantasized about casual encounters, wondered what it would be like to be in love with a man. So far, these remain only thoughts. A few years ago I worked with a guy, kinda cute, kinda goofy but attractive. He was straight and married. We became good friends pretty quickly and I learned that he liked physical closeness (not sex) with other guys. The first time I walked up behind him and put my arms around his waist, it set my mind on fire! Whether it was real or just the excitement of the closeness...I began having feelings for him; and it scared the shit out of me. Fast forward: I lost my mom October 2021 and my dad five years before. I was (am) grieving and lonely. Started occupying my mind as much as possible with work, podcasts, porn. Porn led me to Reddit. On Reddit there are innumerable guys posting photos and these guys range from just okay to freaking beautiful. These photos...of real, amateur, normal guys...made me think more about a relationship with a guy. The problem, and I guess the reason for this post: I looked at them, and then I looked at ME. I look in the mirror (which is always dangerous it seems) and I don't see anything that would attract someone. I don't think I'm hideous, but I'm not good looking. I hate that I didn't do something with these feelings and questions when I was young and good looking. I hate being my age and finding younger guys so irresistible...knowing that I'll never be with them. I hate thinking and feeling like I did when I was 25 or 30...and looking in the mirror to see this "older guy" looking back at me. Sometimes I just hate myself. This did become a long post, and for those who made it all the way through I apologize for that. I needed *someone* to know this along with me; to hear how this feels. Thoughts, insights, ideas are all welcome. Thank you.