“He wants to work out with you because he’s gay”

[Zapped]

I joined a local gym back in June to work with their trainers (I can use the gym at the college where I work, but there are no trainers other than a few college kids who don’t know that much about training). I’m in a small college/farm town, and this is the only place not an hour away with trainers.

 

There were two—I’ll call them Kathy and Mark. Both very nice, both effective. During my trial period, I found Mark to be particularly effective in adapting exercises to my fitness level, identifying places where I was tight and spending extra time showing me stretching exercises, etc. So when I bought a long-term training package, I chose Mark as my regular trainer.

 

In December, Mark, after some friction with the management, quit. We’d become friendly and gradually I’d shared a lot with him—personal insecurities, body image issues, struggles with addiction, etc. He shared a lot with me—we became friends. And while he is in his early 20s and put together well, I wasn’t attracted to him (somewhat to my surprise). He ended up getting a better job at a gym in another state, and we’ve kept in touch.

 

As his time at my gym was coming to an end, we had lunch together. He vented about some of his frustrations with the management and his colleagues and explained why he was leaving. And he told me that one or more of them (I don’t know if it was a trainer or manager) speculated, back in July when I decided to work regularly with him, that it was because I was gay.

 

He said he replied, “He doesnt want to work with me because he’s gay. He wants to work with me because when he had trouble doing a squat because of knee pain, I stopped everything and showed him how to stretch his quads and the pain went away.” Which is true.

 

He grew up with two moms, so he’s impatient with stereotypes, and he was offended by that.

 

I’ve been pissed since then and haven’t known how to deal with it. I’m working out regularly with Kathy and Mark’s successor, Liz. They are fine—not Mark’s level of expertise, but fine.

 

But I’m still angry.

 

It hasn’t seemed appropriate to talk to the manager or franchise owner to complain about something that wasn’t said to me and which it was (perhaps) unprofessional of Mark to tell me. And it feels a little humiliating/uncomfortable to say something like, “So when Mark got mad at you guys and quit, he told me that back in July someone speculated that I wanted to work out with him because I’m gay.” It’s complaining about gossip.

 

I suppose I could find it funny. Or what the hell—is it internalized homophobia to be offended that someone might speculate an overweight middle aged gay guy (who is married to a much younger guy) night he attacted to the handsome early-twenties trainer?

 

I need to either let this go or get it off my chest. I’d love any feedback you might have to offer.

[craigville beach]

I joined a local gym back in June to work with their trainers (I can use the gym at the college where I work, but there are no trainers other than a few college kids who don’t know that much about training). I’m in a small college/farm town, and this is the only place not an hour away with trainers.

 

There were two—I’ll call them Kathy and Mark. Both very nice, both effective. During my trial period, I found Mark to be particularly effective in adapting exercises to my fitness level, identifying places where I was tight and spending extra time showing me stretching exercises, etc. So when I bought a long-term training package, I chose Mark as my regular trainer.

 

In December, Mark, after some friction with the management, quit. We’d become friendly and gradually I’d shared a lot with him—personal insecurities, body image issues, struggles with addiction, etc. He shared a lot with me—we became friends. And while he is in his early 20s and put together well, I wasn’t attracted to him (somewhat to my surprise). He ended up getting a better job at a gym in another state, and we’ve kept in touch.

 

As his time at my gym was coming to an end, we had lunch together. He vented about some of his frustrations with the management and his colleagues and explained why he was leaving. And he told me that one or more of them (I don’t know if it was a trainer or manager) speculated, back in July when I decided to work regularly with him, that it was because I was gay.

 

He said he replied, “He doesnt want to work with me because he’s gay. He wants to work with me because when he had trouble doing a squat because of knee pain, I stopped everything and showed him how to stretch his quads and the pain went away.” Which is true.

 

He grew up with two moms, so he’s impatient with stereotypes, and he was offended by that.

 

I’ve been pissed since then and haven’t known how to deal with it. I’m working out regularly with Kathy and Mark’s successor, Liz. They are fine—not Mark’s level of expertise, but fine.

 

But I’m still angry.

 

It hasn’t seemed appropriate to talk to the manager or franchise owner to complain about something that wasn’t said to me and which it was (perhaps) unprofessional of Mark to tell me. And it feels a little humiliating/uncomfortable to say something like, “So when Mark got mad at you guys and quit, he told me that back in July someone speculated that I wanted to work out with him because I’m gay.” It’s complaining about gossip.

 

I suppose I could find it funny. Or what the hell—is it internalized homophobia to be offended that someone might speculate an overweight middle aged gay guy (who is married to a much younger guy) night he attacted to the handsome early-twenties trainer?

 

I need to either let this go or get it off my chest. I’d love any feedback you might have to offer.

 

 

ask you husband to go for a workout with you at a time when you know the manager/owner is there. maybe they wish they were the one you were interest in.

[+ nycman]

And it feels a little humiliating/uncomfortable to say something like, “So when Mark got mad at you guys and quit, he told me that back in July someone speculated that I wanted to work out with him because I’m gay.” It’s complaining about gossip.

You've answered your own question here...listen to yourself.

 

I need to either let this go or get it off my chest.

Let it go.

 

He told you something...months later as he was walking out the door...that he should have kept to himself.

 

He didn’t do it to “help” you...he did it to “hurt” the management at the gym,

 

If he really cared or wanted to help you...he would have told you when it happened.

 

He didn’t care then, he doesn’t care now. He’s sowing seeds of discontent on his

way out the door.....which as you noted.....is very unprofessional.

 

True or not....don’t fall for it.

[Rudynate]

I joined a local gym back in June to work with their trainers (I can use the gym at the college where I work, but there are no trainers other than a few college kids who don’t know that much about training). I’m in a small college/farm town, and this is the only place not an hour away with trainers.

 

There were two—I’ll call them Kathy and Mark. Both very nice, both effective. During my trial period, I found Mark to be particularly effective in adapting exercises to my fitness level, identifying places where I was tight and spending extra time showing me stretching exercises, etc. So when I bought a long-term training package, I chose Mark as my regular trainer.

 

In December, Mark, after some friction with the management, quit. We’d become friendly and gradually I’d shared a lot with him—personal insecurities, body image issues, struggles with addiction, etc. He shared a lot with me—we became friends. And while he is in his early 20s and put together well, I wasn’t attracted to him (somewhat to my surprise). He ended up getting a better job at a gym in another state, and we’ve kept in touch.

 

As his time at my gym was coming to an end, we had lunch together. He vented about some of his frustrations with the management and his colleagues and explained why he was leaving. And he told me that one or more of them (I don’t know if it was a trainer or manager) speculated, back in July when I decided to work regularly with him, that it was because I was gay.

 

He said he replied, “He doesnt want to work with me because he’s gay. He wants to work with me because when he had trouble doing a squat because of knee pain, I stopped everything and showed him how to stretch his quads and the pain went away.” Which is true.

 

He grew up with two moms, so he’s impatient with stereotypes, and he was offended by that.

 

I’ve been pissed since then and haven’t known how to deal with it. I’m working out regularly with Kathy and Mark’s successor, Liz. They are fine—not Mark’s level of expertise, but fine.

 

But I’m still angry.

 

It hasn’t seemed appropriate to talk to the manager or franchise owner to complain about something that wasn’t said to me and which it was (perhaps) unprofessional of Mark to tell me. And it feels a little humiliating/uncomfortable to say something like, “So when Mark got mad at you guys and quit, he told me that back in July someone speculated that I wanted to work out with him because I’m gay.” It’s complaining about gossip.

 

I suppose I could find it funny. Or what the hell—is it internalized homophobia to be offended that someone might speculate an overweight middle aged gay guy (who is married to a much younger guy) night he attacted to the handsome early-twenties trainer?

 

I need to either let this go or get it off my chest. I’d love any feedback you might have to offer.

 

Let it go. Even if you had hired him mostly because you were attracted to him, what's wrong with that? I don't hire trainers solely on their looks, but it's an important consideration. Getting fit with a great looking trainer is very enjoyable. And when they're also really good, it's a winning combination. People are going to talk and you can't stop them, so don't worry about it.

[IndyGuy]

Let it go.

 

I've been in a similar situation on two occasions. The difference with my story is that I did start training w/ specific trainers because they were in their 20s, extremely fit and handsome. I find that it works for me and that it is good motivation. I too ended up becoming friends with both of them. They too left the gym where we trained for various reasons.

 

The point being - he told you things because you had developed a friendship. Respect the friendship, and let it go. Anything else is a betrayal.

[+ purplekow]

Hmmm you are gay and you opted for a good looking young athletic trainer and people speculated that it might be a sexual attraction. Wow that was quite a leap. They are lots of reasons that you may opt for that young man. He was the best trainer. He was the hottest trainer. You wanted to get into his pants. You wanted the extra motivation of seeing a hot guy in order to get you to the gym. You wanted to be reminded that there are hot guys such as he out there and getting fit may get you there. Fact is, whatever your reason, it was your reason. There was no need for speculation from the management. Of course they may have been using this as a comment against the trainer. (Yeah you are not a great trainer you only get by on your looks) Whatever the reason, this should not have come to your attention. You do not know for sure that this story is accurate. You want to continue at this gym as your options are limited otherwise.

You have a much younger husband, living well is the best revenge.

[Rudynate]

It's OK for straight folks to have sexual attractions to people that they hire like personal trainers, but, as a gay man, something that you're supposed to deny and apologize for. Classic case of internalized homophobia, my friend.

[Zapped]

Thanks, everyone. Just writing this all out and help me to let it go, and viewing the responses the next evening, I am unsurprised by their unanimity.

 

Much appreciated.

[MikeyGMin]

You wanted the extra motivation of seeing a hot guy in order to get you to the gym.

Lol. Is there any other reason to hire a trainer?

[+ poolboy48220]

At work, we had an ongoing email discussion with one of our vendors about a technical problem we were having. At one point, they replied accidentally including some discussion between themselves not meant for us, where they said something like "Leave it to poolboy to say in 20 words what he could have said in two". I shared it with our team but never called them out on it.

[+ Lucky]

A trainer at a gym in New York once gave me a few free sessions. I was so attracted to him. He was an Asian with a gymnast physique and had the sexiest biceps. Two on each arm, one on top of the other. I subtly assessed his interest in me, and damn if he was just being a nice guy and wanted nothing from me!!

[rvwnsd]

...It hasn’t seemed appropriate to talk to the manager or franchise owner to complain about something that wasn’t said to me and which it was (perhaps) unprofessional of Mark to tell me. And it feels a little humiliating/uncomfortable to say something like, “So when Mark got mad at you guys and quit, he told me that back in July someone speculated that I wanted to work out with him because I’m gay.” It’s complaining about gossip....

You're right. It is complaining about gossip that you heard second-hand. Had you overheard it yourself, then complaining would be reasonable. You didn't and it isn't.

 

...I suppose I could find it funny....

Why would you? It isn't.

 

...Or what the hell—is it internalized homophobia to be offended that someone might speculate an overweight middle aged gay guy (who is married to a much younger guy) might be attracted to the handsome early-twenties trainer?

It is not internalized homophobia to be offended comments like this any more than it would be internalized misogyny if a woman was offended because similar comments were made about her choice in trainers.

 

...I need to either let this go or get it off my chest. I’d love any feedback you might have to offer.

 

Let it go. Also, you did just get it off your chest - you told us.

[+ sync]

I understand your sensitivity, but you are giving too much weight to a ghost. I gather from your posting that no individual was identified by name, and you do not know if the individual is a manager or a trainer. If you feel you cannot dismiss it, you might go to the manager of the gym and tell him/her that recent anonymous hearsay has you needing to know if sexual orientation is a contentious issue for the management policies of the gym.

[CalTec]

Question re: knee pain with squatting. Was it I.T. related? When I first started training and found the joy of a lacrosse ball or foam roller, squat PR's were always increasing. That was my secret weapon!

[samhexum]

Question re: knee pain with squatting... When I first started training and found the joy of a lacrosse ball or foam roller, squat PR's were always increasing. That was my secret weapon!

[Rudynate]

I have had several trainers-one gay- all the others straight. The straight trainers have all been very attractive men and I chose them, in part, because of that. It has never been a problem, even though I like the way they look, the relationships have always been friendly and professional. I doubt whether anyone gossipped about us, but If the had, I wouldn’t have cared

[Guest]

Lol. Is there any other reason to hire a trainer?

In the immortal words of the late Senator Ted Stevens.....

[OCClient]

Where I work the kind of talk is generally not tolerated. Even if they were just teasing the trainer or they are ignorant people that say ignorant things, my HR would handle it.

Now that he's gone, it's your choice what to do.

 

Will they see the trainer as a disgruntled employee that wanted to stir some sh!t? It worked. He didn't have to spill everything. Sorry that you have to go through it.

Edited December 27, 2020 by OCClient