Two Down, One To Go

[BasketBaller]

Thank you all, gentlemen and ladies, for your kind interest and support in these past months. We are all at home, all three boys in the twins' room talking while I watch Colbert with a good Scotch. The adjustment is going fine... but this feels wonderful.

 

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends.

[+ purplekow]

A greatThanksgiving to you and your family. it is evident that you are fully appreciative of all the blessings you have been given. Thank you for sharing with us all here and for allowing us to peek in at life for your American family.

[rvwnsd]

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too! I'm glad the holiday is off to a great start.

[BasketBaller]

Another delayed update, inspired by your birthday wishes. Thanks giving was good, relaxed all around, the twins absolutely inseparable. My oldest left on Friday to visit his girlfriend and her family in Boston- when we dropped him at the airport, the twins erupted in speculation over how serious they are.

 

There is a big update to come, though. This week, my late wife's brother, who's been openly gay since college. comes to DC on business and will stay with me. As was suggested earlier in this thread, I'm going to open up to him about myself. I've waffled over when and how to talk to the boys, in part because of the school transitions, etc, but I feel it's right to talk to my brother-in-law now. He's a good man and has been supportive throughout my marriage and loss. I don't know if he's ever suspected anything or not, and I don't know how he'll react, but I know he'll be a sympathetic ear.

 

And now that I've posted about it I'll have to do it!

Edited December 13, 2017 by BasketBaller

[TruthBTold]

I bet he says that he knew something, even if only because you treated him kindly (as I suspect you have). I am sure you will be so relieved and that slowly but surely you will open up. You already know each other as humans so that will make it so much easier. I feel excited for you. A wonderful holiday gift.

[+ purplekow]

Another delayed update, inspired by your birthday wishes. Thanks giving was good, relaxed all around, the twins absolutely inseparable. My oldest left on Friday to visit his girlfriend and her family in Boston- when we dropped him at the airport, the twins erupted in speculation over how serious they are.

 

There is a big update to come, though. This week, my late wife's brother, who's been openly gay since college. comes to DC on business and will stay with me. As was suggested earlier in this thread, I'm going to open up to him about myself. I've waffled over when and how to talk to the boys, in part because of the school transitions, etc, but I feel it's right to talk to my brother-in-law now. He's a good man and has been supportive throughout my marriage and loss. I don't know if he's ever suspected anything or not, and I don't know how he'll react, but I know he'll be a sympathetic ear.

 

And now that I've posted about it I'll have to do it!

 

This event is like diving off of the high board for the first time. You just have to climb the ladder, walk out on the board and jump. Best of luck

[+ Charlie]

Many years ago, I was living in England for a year, and my partner was coming for a visit, with one of his brothers. My partner and his brothers had never confided in one another about their sexual or romantic interests (there were big age gaps between each brother, and theirs was a rather puritanical Catholic family), so as far as the family knew, my partner and I were simply friends who had been living together for a half dozen years. The two younger brothers were already married, but the brother closest to my partner in age lived alone in another city. My partner decided that before the two of them traveled to London to see me, it was time to let his brother know the truth. He was very nervous about it, but the night before they left for London, he sat down with his brother and told him that there was something his brother needed to understand about our relationship. To his relief, his brother was not only not surprised, but he said he hoped I had some gay friends in London, because he was eager to get laid. The three of us have been close friends ever since. (BTW, his spouse for the past 39 years is a man whom I had sex with in London before they met one another.)

 

One never knows what will happen when one opens up to someone who has known one for a very long time, but I hope the event goes well for you.

[rvwnsd]

Hearing guys' coming out experience stories over seven years of facilitating a coming out group were heartwarming and life-affirming. Sure, there were a handful of less-than-great experiences, but by and large the family members and/or friends the guys confided in were very, very supportive and loving. I hope your brother-in-law is as well.

 

Please do report back.

[+ sniper]

Don't leave us hanging, man!

[+ nycman]

You’re killing us here!

 

Grin

[gallahadesquire]

I bet he says that he knew something, even if only because you treated him kindly (as I suspect you have). I am sure you will be so relieved and that slowly but surely you will open up. You already know each other as humans so that will make it so much easier. I feel excited for you. A wonderful holiday gift.

 

This event is like diving off of the high board for the first time. You just have to climb the ladder, walk out on the board and jump. Best of luck

 

I hope he doesn't feel too much what he's not.

 

[+ sniper]

It would be super awkward if the BIL has been a lurker here and known for a couple of years now...

[TruthBTold]

"

I hope he doesn't feel too much what he's not.

 

Every night was like the Bay of Pigs." LOL

[BasketBaller]

Sorry again about the lag time. Partly a result of craziness at work, but partly wanting to process some before I could verbalize. And warning to those who object to "novels"-- this post (well, this thread) isn't for you.

 

My late wife's older brother came to town for a meeting last week. He arrived Thursday, intending to stay until Sunday so we could visit Plebe twin at the Academy and see DePaul twin who came home over the weekend. Friday morning he offered to get us Wizards tickets for that evening, which normally I'd have jumped at, but I suggested watching on TV and getting pizza, and even told him I wanted to talk some. He nodded and said okay, ands went off to his meeting. I was nervous all day, playing and replaying what I wanted to tell him.

 

So, evening came. Pizza, basketball, and good wine. I wondered if he'd ask what I wanted to talk about, but we watched the game, chatted about the boys and our jobs. Then the game ended, and I turned the TV off. He looked curious but waited for me to start, which I couldn't, at first. I just didn't know what to say.

 

Finally I said that being alone this fall had been hard, and I missed his sister so much. He is a big guy (I guess I'd call him bear-ish) but he does have facial expressions that are just like hers. I said I know I have focused on the boys, maybe too much, and I can't do that any more, they don't need it for one thing.

 

I paused, unsure where to go, and he said that I didn't need to say anything, he and his parents have wanted me to do what I felt was best, and that his sister wouldn't have wanted me to be alone all this time. He clearly thought that my "talk" was going to be about moving on and starting to see women, maybe marrying again. So I smiled and sighed and said thanks but it's more complicated. My heart was pounding, and I'm sure he sensed I was nervous.

 

I said, as many of you have suggested, that I truly, dearly loved his sister and our marriage was great. But that I have had to acknowledge what I denied for a long time, and that's the fact that I have been physically attracted to men, and that at least for now, I'm more interested in men than in women.

 

Well. If he'd been drinking his wine at that point I think he'd have done a spit take, and as it was, his jaw literally dropped open. He sputtered a bit and finally said "What?" I repeated myself, I think in the same words. "Wait, wait. You... ?" he said, and I nodded. He shook his head and didn't say anything for a while. So I said, with my voice shaking, things I've posted here but never said to anyone. That I'd denied this to myself more than to anyone else, that I'd been a player with women to prove I was straight, that I'd married his sister and had kids and that it was much later that I began to acknowledge this, but never cheated on her with anyone, man or woman. And it was some time after her death that I let myself even consider it as a possible part of my life.

 

Finally he said, we all thought you weren't through grieving and that's why you never dated. And I said that was partly true. And he asked if I was sure this wasn't just a way of keeping my wife as the only woman I'd ever love, and I had to say no, I'm not sure about that, it's occurred to me. But that in any case, I know I am attracted to men, maybe I'm bisexual but at the moment the attraction for women that I remember is dormant.

 

He asked if the boys know, and I said no, he's the first person I've talked to (you guys are in a different category). He paused a long time, and asked if I knew to be careful, and that made me laugh, which broke any tension. He laughed too and said sorry, I had to ask. He asked if I had actually been with a man, and without getting too detailed, I told him I had had some online hookups and had hired escorts. Once again, the jaw dropped. I did not go into preferred sexual practices, I don't know what he'd have said if I'd told him I'm pretty much a total bottom.

 

Well, we finished the wine and talked late into the night. I asked him about his coming out experience, which was before I met him. I asked him to let me tell the family when the time was right, but he can tell his partner if he shares what the reaction is.

 

And, inspired by your speculation, I asked if he'd ever suspected. He shook his head and said, "I did not see this coming at all." He said he and his partner had discussed my not socializing with some concern, and one would sometimes say, "Of course, he might be gay," but never seriously.

 

So, we visited the Naval Academy on Saturday, on Sunday DePaul twin came in, that evening B-I-L left, having not given any sign that he knows something the boys don't. But he did get me alone to say I could talk to him any time, about anything. I won't say this was easy, but he made it as easy as it was ever going to be. Tonight all the boys will be home. I'm not sure when the next step happens, but I know it will.

[+ Charlie]

Don't rush the next step. Telling your boys is going to be harder, for them as well as for yourself. Give yourself enough time to process each step and prepare for the fact that each reaction is likely to be somewhat different, so take the easier steps first.

[+ Charlie]

BTW, I would not tell the boys that you have hired escorts. That adds a layer of complication that I suspect they would have more difficulty accepting than being told that you have slept with a male friend. And be prepared for them to ask if you have slept with your b-i-l.

[BasketBaller]

BTW, I would not tell the boys that you have hired escorts. That adds a layer of complication that I suspect they would have more difficulty accepting than being told that you have slept with a male friend..

It was an impulse to tell him about hiring, I hadn't intended to, but it seemed okay in the moment. I don't plan on going into detail about that, or the online hookups, with the boys.

 

And be prepared for them to ask if you have slept with your b-i-l.

 

I should add, for those who've wondered, that there was not any hint of interest on his part, past or present. I think by now we feel too much like brothers (and while I love him, he's not quite my physical type!)

Edited December 20, 2017 by BasketBaller

[+ WmClarke]

Glad it went so smoothly!

 

I was very casual in telling my children. (Literally, “I’m having a friend spend the night; it’s a guy I’m seeing.”) Maybe a little too casual.

Edited December 21, 2017 by WmClarke

[+ nycman]

Lord...Finally!....I had to pick myself up off the fucking floor....TWICE!

 

My adopted gay father...comes OUT!

 

(I may have forgotten to tell you that you're adopting me BTW...and I'm pretty sure that I'm older than you....but that's a mere technicality....DAD!)

 

Let me gather my thoughts.....ok...here we go!

 

And warning to those who object to "novels"-- this post (well, this thread) isn't for you.

 

Don't worry baby....none of us like him...you tell your story.....your die hard fans are waiting!

 

I was nervous all day, playing and replaying what I wanted to tell him.

 

Funny how hard it is to say "I'm a FAGGOT" to someone else for the first time....isn't it?

 

So, evening came. Pizza, basketball, and good wine.

 

Jesus...I wish my friends served "good wine" at their "coming out" announcements....

Of course I should talk....I think I came out to my best friend over Slushies from Sonic......

I guess there ARE some benefits to coming out later in life!

 

He looked curious but waited for me to start, which I couldn't, at first. I just didn't know what to say.

 

"I'm a FAGGOT"....lord we make it soooo complicated...don't' we? Come on Dad....SPIT IT THE FUCK OUT!

 

I can't do that any more, they don't need it for one thing.

 

True...time to focus on "queer dad"! The boys can take care of themselves....no more excuses!....SAY IT!

 

I paused, unsure where to go

 

You better go SOMEWHERE...or he's going to think your talking about....yep...too late....he thinks it's about your wife!

Oh no...buddy B-I-L....hang on to your boot straps...it's about sooooo much more than that....JUST WAIT!

 

and he said that I didn't need to say anything

 

Oh yes you do need to say something.....wait for it.....WAIT FOR IT....!

 

My heart was pounding, and I'm sure he sensed I was nervous.

 

This is where I passed out the first time......the tension is KILLING me!

 

I have been physically attracted to men, and that at least for now, I'm more interested in men than in women.

 

Which is Basketballer for...."I'm a FAGGOT"....just in case the audience needs help with the translation. Thankfully, I am fluent in Basketballer.

 

So I said, with my voice shaking, things I've posted here but never said to anyone.

 

We were first....woot!....WE WERE FIRST....And yes, I passed out again here!

 

you guys are in a different category

 

Aren't we though? A collection of online faggots....who hire hookers....and want a Dad like you.....we're a funny lot!

 

He paused a long time, and asked if I knew to be careful

 

I LOVE him!.....sooooo much!

You big ol' bottom....you better be careful....or I will KICK YOUR ASS!....

and I will bring your big ass bear B-I-L along to help hold you down while I do it!

(yes....I'm a great dad too....I just never fucked a woman...that's all!)

 

I don't know what he'd have said if I'd told him I'm pretty much a total bottom.

 

THAT he probably knows.....grin

 

I'm not sure when the next step happens, but I know it will.

 

Please....give us a chance to BREATHE!...... I don't know how much more my heart can take!

 

In all seriousness bro, congratulations.

It's an amazing moment you will never forget and never regret.

Thank you so much so sharing it with us all.

Love, nycman

Edited December 21, 2017 by nycman

[BasketBaller]

THAT he probably knows.....grin

 

I still don't know how anyone can tell about someone else! I certainly haven't got a clue what his preferred activities are.

 

And I don't know that I did justice to his reaction above. Yes, he was surprised, even flabbergasted. But the long talk after the revelation he was very sympathetic and helpful. He was very curious about how long I took to even acknowledge it to myself, he said he'd never not known about himself, even if he kept it hidden for a while.

 

And he told me that when we first started dating, my wife confided in him her concern about my past promiscuity. I knew she was hesitant to go out with me but never knew she had talked to anyone else about it. When I told him that I think I slept around so much to prove to myself I was straight but it was different with his sister, that was for real, he just nodded.

[gallahadesquire]

I still don't know how anyone can tell about someone else! I certainly haven't got a clue what his preferred activities are.

 

And I don't know that I did justice to his reaction above. Yes, he was surprised, even flabbergasted. But the long talk after the revelation he was very sympathetic and helpful. He was very curious about how long I took to even acknowledge it to myself, he said he'd never not known about himself, even if he kept it hidden for a while.

 

And he told me that when we first started dating, my wife confided in him her concern about my past promiscuity. I knew she was hesitant to go out with me but never knew she had talked to anyone else about it. When I told him that I think I slept around so much to prove to myself I was straight but it was different with his sister, that was for real, he just nodded.

 

A WOMANIZER! Why are there no MANIZERS?

 

Seriously, it's great taht you've been able to open up to your B-I-L. That was some pretty deep denial you were in.

 

Reading this saga, I used to think that you're kids were already in the know ... the way Moms are. Now, I'm not so sure.

 

Tread lightly, but do tread. My love and support to you all.

[BasketBaller]

That was some pretty deep denial you were in.

 

Reading this saga, I used to think that you're kids were already in the know ... the way Moms are. Now, I'm not so sure.

 

Tread lightly, but do tread. My love and support to you all.

 

Thanks, my friend. My denial was pretty amazing, looking back.

 

I wonder about the boys too, but they haven't given me any clues. We'll see eventually, I guess!

[+ Gar1eth]

Thanks, my friend. My denial was pretty amazing, looking back.

 

I wonder about the boys too, but they haven't given me any clues. We'll see eventually, I guess!

 

 

I came out to my brother and sister about 5 years ago in a long overly wrought email that took me hours to write (at a Kinko’s no less as I only had limited WiFi access where I was living thru a hot spot). I had lost my job and was feeling extremely down about being unemployed and lying-by omission to my family. I might not want to be gay. But I was tired of not saying anything about it. Throughout the writing of the entire missive, I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.

 

A few years later my sister told me it wasn’t that much of a surprise. And at least in one sense I knew what she meant. I was, at the time, a 51 year old male who had never really had a girlfriend growing up or who had never really gone out on dates/had a girlfriend as an adult.

 

On the other hand @BasketBaller, you dated girls/women in high school and college, were known as a ‘player’ in college, got married, had three children, and unfortunately became a widower. I have to assume you’re pretty much a regular guy’s type of guy otherwise it’s doubtful women would have found you as attractive if you weren’t that type of guy. As discreet as you’ve been, unless your boys saw you out with one of your escorts, your few other encounters, or found a web browsing history, I’m willing to bet that your sons will be as surprised as your brother-in-law was when you told him.

 

Gman

[LivingnLA]

@BasketBaller, thank you for sharing so much so thoughtfully. I am proud of you and look forward to hearing more about your journey. I am also glad things went so well with your "B-I-L."

 

One thing I would suggest for your consideration: don't worry too much about labels. Those of us over 30 have been acculturated to really care about labels and categories around identity and sexual orientation. They definitely have some value, but for many of us, they are more "straitjacket" than something that sets us free.

 

Decades of research are beginning to support the notion that we're frequently biologically bisexual but acculturation shapes us into the hetero/homo binary. I have had relations with many women for many years. My marriage is more solid than ever because my wife and I "get each other" and support each other as we try to be the best we can be for each other, our kids, and in our lives. None of that changes my activities or feelings with men.

 

I suspect you may be bisexual, like me, but you may be something else as well. All that matters is how you feel about yourself and your history with your wife along with the future you want to build for yourself.

 

If your sons are anything like my kids, their understanding of sexual orientation and sexual activity is light-years ahead of where we were at their age. They likely won't care as long as they see you're happy, healthy, and well. Given how long it's been since your wife's passing, I imagine they may have wondered why you've been single for so long and haven't even been dating or hooking up (given your "player" history). Have they ever tried to set you up? If not, perhaps they may have some sense about you and they respect you enough to give you time to build the life you want and space to explain when you're ready to do so.

Edited December 21, 2017 by LivingnLA

[+ sniper]

Your kids will be like. "Dammit I might have gotten into my reach school if I could have said I had two dads in my essay! You should have come out earlier!"