Two Down, One To Go

[BasketBaller]

It struck me today that you are in the unique position of being able to choose the daily routine you want to create.

 

So think deeply about that. What activity have you always wanted to do but never had the time, money or freedom to be.

 

Don't rely on previous routines or habits, you can create whatever you want, so Carpe Diem.

That's an enlightened way of looking at it. I'm trying not to "carry on" and do what I've always done, only with no one else around. I'll try to start fresh and find what works best for me.

 

But. I do hate eating alone.

[+ Oliver]

... But. I do hate eating alone.

She died 18 years ago and I have gradually got used to living alone, to the point that I would now have difficulty living with someone. But the eating alone - it's just not fun. So I usually read - cannot watch TV - too many years conditioned to that's not what one does at the dinner table.

Thank you so much for sharing! And hugs to you!

[+ quoththeraven]

I usually eat while sitting on the couch watching TV, although lately technical snafus mean that I watch the larger of my tablets rather than my TV. It just doesn't make sense to sit at the kitchen table by myself and eat, though sometimes I do that while checking Twitter. I'm more apt to leave my plate on the kitchen counter and eat from there.

[+ azdr0710]

my TV tray, set up in front of my chair facing the TV, is a permanent fixture in my living room.....may sound sad and dreary to some, but I do get out (!) and wouldn't have it any other way!.....love living alone!

 

[+ quoththeraven]

my TV tray, set up in front of my chair facing the TV, is a permanent fixture in my living room.....may sound sad and dreary to some, but I do get out (!) and wouldn't have it any other way!.....love living alone!

 

For added fun, eating in the living room also means being vigilant that my cat doesn't wrest the food away from me.

[LoveAustinCF]

So you have 2 brothers as well? Seems like there are lots of men in your family:)

[LivingnLA]

So you have 2 brothers as well? Seems like there are lots of men in your family:)

 

Which, if true, aligns with the research about the number of brothers/male relatives occurring in families with more non-exclusively-heterosexual males. @BasketBaller is full of surprises.

[BasketBaller]

So you have 2 brothers as well? Seems like there are lots of men in your family:)

Yes two older brothers and an older sister, I'm the youngest. My wife was also the fourth in her family, with two older brothers (one of whom has been openly gay since college) and an older sister. We used to joke that we really ought to have a fourth child since if our parents hadn't, we wouldn't be here! The boys' generation is also mostly male, they have 12 cousins, 8 of whom are guys.

 

My brothers are close in age, then there was a gap before my sister and then I came along. They were my heroes when I was little, and were a big part of inspiring me to play sports, although we each had a different choice. My oldest brother was a baseball player and is incredibly handsome, he could have been a model. My second brother was a wrestler and is, I say with affection, not really what you'd call good-looking. Not ugly, just sort of funny looking. But an absolute sweetheart.

 

My wife's brothers, and her dad, are all taller than my family's men and it looks like the boys have inherited the height, my oldest is taller than me and the twins as tall and still growing.

[N13]

Thanks for sharing your family. It's nice to hear about a good one!

[+ purplekow]

Have you spoken with your brother in law about your sexual preferences? Sounds as though he may be a good sounding board in your approach to your discussions with your sons.

As for living alone, when my wife died, I really did not live alone as I had 7 dogs which required regular care. When I ate, I never ate alone, I had 14 pairs of eyes staring me down, when I went to bed, I had to fight for a place to rest my weary body. Even with all that company, it was still a difficult transition. No one to come up and distract you just at the moment you wanted to be distracted. No aimless walk around the house ending in a 15 minute conversation which is more about talking with someone you love than it is about talking about something. No one to blame when there are dishes in the sink, cabinet doors left open, lights on all night or the garbage not going out. There can be too much silence, too much introspection, too much time alone, too much yearning. Those things are in your control and eventually, you find your rhythm. You will find the pleasures which fill the spaces and give your life a different feel. I have not doubt, a man who expresses the warmth and integrity you have shown on this forum, will be scooped up by some lucky man who is praying to meet you. I would not be concerned about your time alone. I would savor it while you have it. I believe that by this time in 5 years, you will have sons, and in-laws, and possibly grandchildren in your life and you will also have a man and the trial tribulations and wonders which come with that.

My advice is this: Take a deep breath. Eat at the kitchen table with some enjoyable music playing in the background. Get laid a lot. Prepare for the adventures of the second part of your life. You are not alone when you are just by yourself, you have family, friends and memories and as important, you have a lifetime ahead of you.

Edited September 3, 2017 by purplekow

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

Although I've never been married or in a long-term relationship, I never lived alone until I was 35. After college, I ate alone at home some as my schedule didn't always line up with whoever I was living with. But that wasn't a nightly event.

 

When eating alone at home, I pop a CD in when I start preparing dinner and through the meal. Music doesn't violate the "don't watch television" rule Mom drilled into us. I find the music very helpful.

[BasketBaller]

Have you spoken with your brother in law about your sexual preferences? Sounds as though he may be a good sounding board in your approach to your discussions with your sons. .

Great minds think alike! He will be in Washington later in the fall for business and will stay with me. It seems like fate, and so I think he'll be the first person (except for you guys) I open up to.

 

As for living alone, when my wife died, I really did not live alone as I had 7 dogs which required regular care. When I ate, I never ate alone, I had 14 pairs of eyes staring me down, when I went to bed, I had to fight for a place to rest my weary body. Even with all that company, it was still a difficult transition. No one to come up and distract you just at the moment you wanted to be distracted. No aimless walk around the house ending in a 15 minute conversation which is more about talking with someone you love than it is about talking about something. No one to blame when there are dishes in the sink, cabinet doors left open, lights on all night or the garbage not going out. There can be too much silence, too much introspection, too much time alone, too much yearning. Those things are in your control and eventually, you find your rhythm. You will find the pleasures which fill the spaces and give your life a different feel.

It's interesting, in these first few days to think about the days after my wife's death, how the changes in my life were overshadowed by the need to take care of the boys. In a small way, I think I postponed some of the grieving and am experiencing it now. It's now I have to deal with the loss of someone to talk to, of someone to distract me, of someone to blame for dishes in the sink.

I have not doubt, a man who expresses the warmth and integrity you have shown on this forum, will be scooped up by some lucky man who is praying to meet you. I would not be concerned about your time alone. I would savor it while you have it. I believe that by this time in 5 years, you will have sons, and in-laws, and possibly grandchildren in your life and you will also have a man and the trial tribulations and wonders which come with that.

This is the kindest thing that's been said to me among the many kindnesses I've had here. Thank you, friend.

My advice is this... Get laid a lot.

Aye, aye, Sir!

[mike carey]

A beautiful response, @BasketBaller. I continue to be in awe of the way you are handling this passage of your life.

[rvwnsd]

Great minds think alike! He will be in Washington later in the fall for business and will stay with me. It seems like fate, and so I think he'll be the first person (except for you guys) I open up to....

 

I'll say it seems like fate! You are very fortunate to have a gay relative who you can talk to.

 

...It's interesting, in these first few days to think about the days after my wife's death, how the changes in my life were overshadowed by the need to take care of the boys. In a small way, I think I postponed some of the grieving and am experiencing it now....

Interesting, indeed, how we as people often cope with adversity by distracting ourselves from the grief. Of course, you had to take care of your boys. That said, there's another phenomenon that we (us three co-facilitators) saw in many of the men who came through the coming out group: a feeling of grief over the loss of the person they once were as they become this new person. You have a LOT of changes to parse through, but I'm wondering if you are also feeling some of this grief.

 

...It's now I have to deal with the loss of someone to talk to, of someone to distract me, of someone to blame for dishes in the sink....

Time for a funny story. Shortly after my mom died (after having been in the hospital, rehab, and back to the hospital for four months) my dad could not find the replacement for his expired credit card. After tearing through the house we found the unopened envelope in the recycling bin. My brother, who usually had a good filter, said: "Well, you can't blame Mom for this one." I turned to shoot him "the look" (which I inherited from my mom) and he had the look that said, "I totally didn't mean to say that out loud." My dad, after a few seconds pause, chuckled and said: "Yup, this one's on me." We all had a good laugh and then broke out the good bottle of Scotch my dad had been saving.

 

Hopefully, you will have your own funny story to share soon.

 

One last note: A gentlemen in the coming out group had been married for over 50 years. After his wife passed away he realized he was attracted to men. He had been coming to the group for several years prior to me joining the facilitator team in 2009 and would never tell anyone that he is gay. In 2016 he told us his coming out story and said the words "I'm gay." He had never told anyone his story before and all of us had tears in our eyes and were glad to hear it.

 

Your brother-in-law will be equally glad, as are we, to hear your story.

 

Looking very much forward to the next chapter of your inspiring story.

[LivingnLA]

@BasketBaller, you have been one of my favorite forum members since I joined because of your amazing openness and generosity with your thoughts, feelings, and life. This threat is a great read. So many wonderful posts from thoughtful and insightful forum members. Thank you to everyone who's shared so generously.

 

@BasketBaller, as you explore living alone and your delayed grief, please keep an open and loving mind for yourself. There will be some people who will push you to "come out as gay" or you may reach a point where you feel you "lied" to your wife about "your true self." Please don't succumb to such pressure or thoughts. In several other threads, I've tried to share some of the current research about the complexity of human sexuality, attraction, and more. I bring all of this up to make one thing clear: your attraction, love, and relationship with your wife was and is real. It isn't changed or invalidated by your attraction, interest, or activity with men. When--not if--you find a man you want to build a life with, may it be as rich and fun as the life you built with your wife. I'm confident she'd want that for you. May you be well and enjoy this new chapter in your life!

[Walker1]

OP plus you are not truly alone. The kids are always going to be kids, needing advice, needing help, maybe some babysitting with grandkids, relationship issues etc etc. You are truly lucky. Many gay older folks I know for whatever reasons never get to have families, kids, the whole experience and as we get older, life starts to get emptier and emptier. A 50 yr old cannot go and compete with a 22 yr old in a club. It is like a gnawing emptiness that eats into your soul for meaning as we march towards the end .

 

I myself chose to have kids through unconventional means . While strangely as I am getting older-not reached the half century mark yet-but time flies, I am getting attracted to women too. But I want to be honest about my history and it is difficult to find someone who is open minded and still wants to be with you , plus I am still attracted to men mostly. So decided to leave that and since am moderately ok financially -decided to go through the modern methods available and have my kids. It is such a different feeling to have little bundles of joy that are totally dependent on you and life is not about you anymore. Not ready to talk about gender, methods etc, but it is a blessing to have science come along so far. It is like night and day, I enjoyed the gay life, but never found love , but slowly crawling to this empty space wondering what the meaning of life was and nothing to show in say another 20-30 years save some material possessions. Glad I took the jump.

 

You have the best of both worlds, a family and now get to explore anything you wish to-enjoy the next phase of your life!

[BigK]

I'd take it carefully with the brother in law. Have you considered the possibility that he might think you deceived his sister when you married her and have been gay all along? I'm sure it's more likely that he will know your love with his sister was true and will be a good sounding board for you.

 

It could be an entirely different problem for you if he's always had the hots for you which he now wants to explore, but you don't share those feelings.

 

Just trying to say it could be a tricky conversation that could go in a direction that you don't expect.

 

I'm a big fan of your posts and your family so I hope I'm totally on the wrong track.

[+ FreshFluff]

I myself chose to have kids through unconventional means . While strangely as I am getting older-not reached the half century mark yet-but time flies, I am getting attracted to women too. But I want to be honest about my history and it is difficult to find someone who is open minded and still wants to be with you , plus I am still attracted to men mostly. So decided to leave that and since am moderately ok financially -decided to go through the modern methods available and have my kids. It is such a different feeling to have little bundles of joy that are totally dependent on you and life is not about you anymore. Not ready to talk about gender, methods etc, but it is a blessing to have science come along so far. It is like night and day, I enjoyed the gay life, but never found love , but slowly crawling to this empty space wondering what the meaning of life was and nothing to show in say another 20-30 years save some material possessions. Glad I took the jump.

 

You have the best of both worlds, a family and now get to explore anything you wish to-enjoy the next phase of your life!

 

Your new-found attraction to women is convenient because the 40+ hetero dating world is a buyer's market. You get the pick of the litter.

 

Your companions, whether male or female, don't need to know your entire relationship history on the first date. Trust me: Most women that age would be thrilled if a successful gay man turned bi for them . Most would even be fine with your having some occasional bi fun on the side. Just let them know your intentions and the kind of relationship you want, if any. Have fun!

Edited September 5, 2017 by FreshFluff

[BasketBaller]

I'd take it carefully with the brother in law. Have you considered the possibility that he might think you deceived his sister when you married her and have been gay all along? I'm sure it's more likely that he will know your love with his sister was true and will be a good sounding board for you.

 

It could be an entirely different problem for you if he's always had the hots for you which he now wants to explore, but you don't share those feelings.

 

Just trying to say it could be a tricky conversation that could go in a direction that you don't expect.

 

I'm a big fan of your posts and your family so I hope I'm totally on the wrong track.

Yes, I know any discussions about this with family, especially her family, need to be sensitive and approached with care. He's a good guy, and I'll give plenty of thought to how I express this. I've got some time to think about it.

 

As to him being attracted to me, well, that would be a surprise, but I guess I'll be surprising him, so he could spring something on me! I doubt it though, he's had a partner for some time and they seem happy together.

[+ purplekow]

Yes, I know any discussions about this with family, especially her family, need to be sensitive and approached with care. He's a good guy, and I'll give plenty of thought to how I express this. I've got some time to think about it.

 

As to him being attracted to me, well, that would be a surprise, but I guess I'll be surprising him, so he could spring something on me! I doubt it though, he's had a partner for some time and they seem happy together.

First

 

First, are you sure you will be surprising him? He may have had suspicions long ago or perhaps only after your wife passed and you did not date too much after. Do not be surprised if your brother-in-law and his partner have a bet as to whether you are or you aren't. In any case, it is a sensitive area.

 

One of the main reasons I have been circumspect about talking about sleeping with men as well as women with my immediate contacts is that I am concerned that somehow that information would make my love for my wife seem less than it was. So, while I would not lie about my sexual partners, the fact is, no one has bothered to ask. My sex life, I guess, is just not that interesting to others. Funny thing is, it is one of the most interesting things about me.

[BasketBaller]

First, are you sure you will be surprising him? He may have had suspicions long ago or perhaps only after your wife passed and you did not date too much after. Do not be surprised if your brother-in-law and his partner have a bet as to whether you are or you aren't. In any case, it is a sensitive area.

 

All true, I'll try not to assume anything. He's certainly never given any indication he recognized something in me, but then, why would he?

 

As I've said, my own gaydar is apparently non-existent, maybe as a result of so strongly suppressing any interest in men as a teen and young adult. But I know some guys can "just tell," so that could be the case here. We'll find out later this fall, I think.

[BasketBaller]

A Report on Week One of Home Alone--

 

I'm doing fine, adjusting, making discoveries of aspects of this I hadn't expected, to wit--

 

Plus- My grocery bill has plummeted.

Minus- It takes longer to shop since I keep having to go back to shelves and replacing packages that are too large for one person. (I did not intend the double entendre of "packages too large for one person," but I'll let it stand.) I can't believe how little milk has been used in a week!

 

Plus- There is less cooking to do, less laundry, less ironing.

Minus-- We used to take turns, so while there's less, I have to do it ALL!

 

Plus- I find everything where I left it.

Minus- That's fine when it's a book, not so much when it's dishes in the sink.

 

Plus- I can have whatever I want at meals, taking only my preferences in mind.

Minus- I eat it alone.

 

Plus- There is plenty of hot water, I can take a shower as long as I want.

Minus- I never realized it before, but the sound of the shower running was a constant in the morning. That's a time when the place has become too quiet.

 

Plus- I can stay out as long as I want, no one will worry or need me to be someplace at a certain time.

Minus- I'm sometimes at loose ends, with nothing much to do.

 

Plus- I get calls and texts at odd times from the boys, and skyped on the weekend with two (Plebe twin can't skype yet).

Minus- There's no minus in that.

 

Plus- I am working out a lot, alternating between gym and pool, to occupy my time. At this rate I'll be in great shape soon.

Minus- No real minus, except the boys often came to gym and pool with me, so it isn't really a distraction from the changes.

 

Plus- My elderly neighbors, who adore the boys, invited me to dinner and let me gas on about them.

Minus- I really should control the impulse to tell everyone what they're doing. But these two sweethearts, and their son who's moved in to care for them, didn't mind.

 

Plus- I'm exploring gay/bi friendly social and sport groups and am resolved to try them out.

Minus- No minus but I confess to being nervous. It feels the way I felt before I went to my high school freshman mixer-- will I dress right? Will I make a friend? Will it be obvious I am not used to this? Will any of the girls dance with me? (Okay, that was only at the freshman mixer, but you get the idea.)

 

So, all in all, I'm surviving and even finding the humor in my inexperience at being on my own. Onward.

[+ purplekow]

A Report on Week One of Home Alone--

 

I'm doing fine, adjusting, making discoveries of aspects of this I hadn't expected, to wit--

 

Plus- My grocery bill has plummeted.

Minus- It takes longer to shop since I keep having to go back to shelves and replacing packages that are too large for one person. (I did not intend the double entendre of "packages too large for one person," but I'll let it stand.) I can't believe how little milk has been used in a week!

 

Plus- There is less cooking to do, less laundry, less ironing.

Minus-- We used to take turns, so while there's less, I have to do it ALL!

 

Plus- I find everything where I left it.

Minus- That's fine when it's a book, not so much when it's dishes in the sink.

 

Plus- I can have whatever I want at meals, taking only my preferences in mind.

Minus- I eat it alone.

 

Plus- There is plenty of hot water, I can take a shower as long as I want.

Minus- I never realized it before, but the sound of the shower running was a constant in the morning. That's a time when the place has become too quiet.

 

Plus- I can stay out as long as I want, no one will worry or need me to be someplace at a certain time.

Minus- I'm sometimes at loose ends, with nothing much to do.

 

Plus- I get calls and texts at odd times from the boys, and skyped on the weekend with two (Plebe twin can't skype yet).

Minus- There's no minus in that.

 

Plus- I am working out a lot, alternating between gym and pool, to occupy my time. At this rate I'll be in great shape soon.

Minus- No real minus, except the boys often came to gym and pool with me, so it isn't really a distraction from the changes.

 

Plus- My elderly neighbors, who adore the boys, invited me to dinner and let me gas on about them.

Minus- I really should control the impulse to tell everyone what they're doing. But these two sweethearts, and their son who's moved in to care for them, didn't mind.

 

Plus- I'm exploring gay/bi friendly social and sport groups and am resolved to try them out.

Minus- No minus but I confess to being nervous. It feels the way I felt before I went to my high school freshman mixer-- will I dress right? Will I make a friend? Will it be obvious I am not used to this? Will any of the girls dance with me? (Okay, that was only at the freshman mixer, but you get the idea.)

 

So, all in all, I'm surviving and even finding the humor in my inexperience at being on my own. Onward.

Trade offs are part of any transition. Filling up hours that used to be too full can sometimes feel like a chore. Relax about it and it will all start to come together and then hopefully you and some local stud will come together in totally different ways. Before you know it, November will be here and you will be wondering how you ever kept up with the three of them full time. Glad it is mostly a positive experience for you. I look forward to seeing you at the DC Luncheon in January.

[LivingnLA]

Plus- I'm exploring gay/bi friendly social and sport groups and am resolved to try them out.

Minus- No minus but I confess to being nervous. It feels the way I felt before I went to my high school freshman mixer-- will I dress right? Will I make a friend? Will it be obvious I am not used to this? Will any of the girls dance with me? (Okay, that was only at the freshman mixer, but you get the idea.)

 

So, all in all, I'm surviving and even finding the humor in my inexperience at being on my own. Onward.

 

An excellent idea! Yes. You're fresh and new. Expect some interest from those into the novelty of the new. I hope you find friends and many more.

 

Onward ho!

[rvwnsd]

A Report on Week One of Home Alone--

 

I'm doing fine, adjusting, making discoveries of aspects of this I hadn't expected, to wit--

 

That is great to hear!

...Plus- My grocery bill has plummeted.

Minus- It takes longer to shop since I keep having to go back to shelves and replacing packages that are too large for one person. ...

Find a grocery store that has a bevy of cute stock boys and customers. Problem solved.

...(I did not intend the double entendre of "packages too large for one person," but I'll let it stand.) ...

Uh huh.

...I can't believe how little milk has been used in a week!...

There's another double entendre in there, but I'm leaving it alone.

...Plus- There is less cooking to do, less laundry, less ironing.

Minus-- We used to take turns, so while there's less, I have to do it ALL!...

Years ago I had a friend who loved to clean and hated to cook. We split up meal tasks. Laundry/ironing is much easier if you send the shirts to a dry cleaner/shirt laundry and buy wrinkle-resistant sheets. I recommend Charter Club 500 thread count from Macy's. (buy them on sale)

...Plus- I find everything where I left it.

Minus- That's fine when it's a book, not so much when it's dishes in the sink....

Put them in the dishwasher. Don't have one? Some of the installers at my local Lowes are pretty hunky!

 

...Plus- I can have whatever I want at meals, taking only my preferences in mind.

Minus- I eat it alone...

That's a tough one to overcome.

 

...Plus- There is plenty of hot water, I can take a shower as long as I want.

Minus- I never realized it before, but the sound of the shower running was a constant in the morning. That's a time when the place has become too quiet....

Another toughie. It will get better! And just wait until you receive the first (lower) water bill.

 

...Plus- I can stay out as long as I want, no one will worry or need me to be someplace at a certain time.

Minus- I'm sometimes at loose ends, with nothing much to do....

That is also tough to overcome.

 

...Plus- I get calls and texts at odd times from the boys, and skyped on the weekend with two (Plebe twin can't skype yet).

Minus- There's no minus in that....

Awwwww

 

...Plus- I am working out a lot, alternating between gym and pool, to occupy my time. At this rate I'll be in great shape soon.

Minus- No real minus, except the boys often came to gym and pool with me, so it isn't really a distraction from the changes....

Go to a gym that has lots of hot guys?

 

...Plus- My elderly neighbors, who adore the boys, invited me to dinner and let me gas on about them.

Minus- I really should control the impulse to tell everyone what they're doing. But these two sweethearts, and their son who's moved in to care for them, didn't mind....

You might find, particularly among folks who don't have kids, that they enjoy having kids vicariously through others, especially when the "kids" are your boys' ages.

 

...Plus- I'm exploring gay/bi friendly social and sport groups and am resolved to try them out.

Minus- No minus but I confess to being nervous. It feels the way I felt before I went to my high school freshman mixer-- will I dress right? Will I make a friend? Will it be obvious I am not used to this? Will any of the girls dance with me? (Okay, that was only at the freshman mixer, but you get the idea.)...

Better to be nervous than cocky. Imagine the relief when you realize you are having fun.

 

...So, all in all, I'm surviving and even finding the humor in my inexperience at being on my own. Onward.

That's so great to hear, @BasketBaller! Every succeeding week will be better than the last.

 

And on a selfish note, thank you for the opportunity to exercise my parsing skills.

Edited September 7, 2017 by rvwnsd