Does a Good BFE Mean the Provider Is Just A Good Actor?

[Erbenle]

On 5/25/2024 at 10:29 PM, Archangel said:

In my line of work, I provide care for people. I genuinely care about them. But boundaries mean I can’t become enmeshed.

BFE – Boyfriend EXPERIENCE. He’s not your actual boyfriend. He’s providing the experience of a boyfriend, however.

It’s worth noting too that it’s not a SE, spouse experience. Things change for a lot of folks when relationships move from boyfriend to spouse. Sometimes even real dating is an acting game. The curtain falls once it moves on to something different – and it ain’t always a pleasant change!

Nicely said. 

[Thelatin]

On 5/23/2024 at 11:15 PM, viewing ownly said:

Not to fret. You'll have that guy back soon enough. This newfound threesome experiment isn't going to work in the long run, for one reason or another.

If he does want to come back - it doesn’t hurt to be on vacation with someone else in an exotic location.  It cuts both ways.

[DGHou]

On 5/29/2024 at 6:22 PM, Thelatin said:

If he does want to come back - it doesn’t hurt to be on vacation with someone else in an exotic location.  It cuts both ways.

He texted Sunday night with pics of him in HI. He looks better than I have seen him in 2 1/2 years. And seems very happy. Also pics of the couple he is now with and another boyfriend of theirs in the mix. Glad he's having fun. He has canceled his RM profile account so I guess he's in it for the long haul.  Said he will be coming back to gather a few more things he left before he moved. If he sees me it will be platonic bc he does not want to cheat on the others in this arrangement.  It's new so who knows if it will last but I know him and he is probably one of the nicest most passionate men I have ever met, even setting the sex aside.  So I expect it will be a long term thing.

So, my heart still aches. Perhaps more now.

Thanks for all who have responded and supported this newbie during this time. I know this isn't the right forum so I'll stop now. But it's really helped 

[Trick]

I’m seeing a regular right now about once a month.  I have no illusion that we are in a relationship, but when I’m with him, I forget all about the money and let myself be lost in the fantasy that I’m with my boyfriend. His sweetness towards me feeds the fantasy.

[Thelatin]

11 hours ago, DGHou said:

So, my heart still aches. Perhaps more now.

I am sorry you are going through this.  I have been in this same situation.  You are not alone. 

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

On 5/22/2024 at 8:42 PM, FaustOust said:

Does a good connection during a boyfriend experience have to have any basis in reality or are good providers just good actors involved in a monetary transaction?  Should I even care whether he is acting?  I’m newer at this and don’t want to appear foolish.

To phrase another way:  "Is a person who enjoys his job merely a good actor, or does he truly enjoy it?"

You can enjoy your job, despite not wanting to do it full time if you weren't getting paid.  I believe it's the same with many male sex workers who enjoy the time they spend with most clients, despite not wanting to do it regularly if they weren't getting paid.

[+ nycman]

On 5/24/2024 at 12:48 PM, Coolwave35 said:

It’s ok to love someone even if they don’t love you back. That’s part of the human experience.

Lord, the books I could write…..

You are a wise man @Coolwave35.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, nycman said:

Lord, the books I could write…..

You are a wise man @Coolwave35.

When are we meeting? 

[DGHou]

15 hours ago, Thelatin said:

I am sorry you are going through this.  I have been in this same situation.  You are not alone. 

Thank you.  I appreciate your kind words. This is the first time I lost sight of what an arrangement like this was supposed to be.  I let my judgment get blurred. Even though he was passionate and prob the best I have ever had I'm sure his main focus was first on the money always although you wouldn't know it. He was always glad to see me even when it was just as friends for dinner or a movie and no business took place.

[+ nycman]

On 6/5/2024 at 1:08 AM, Coolwave35 said:

When are we meeting? 

Any time!

I’ll be around all summer.

[+ Jamie21]

On 6/5/2024 at 3:49 AM, Vegas_Millennial said:

.  I believe it's the same with many male sex workers who enjoy the time they spend with most clients, despite not wanting to do it regularly if they weren't getting paid.

This. I genuinely enjoy the work. I guess that comes over with clients. I think when you come across any worker in any job you can usually tell if they really like the job or if they’re mostly just going through the motions and not really engaged with the job.

With a sex worker, because of the proximity and the very personal nature of the work it’s very easy to see and feel the difference of someone enjoying their work vs someone who is just ‘present’ in body only. So I think as a client you could quite easily misread that in a BFE as ‘he has feelings for me’ when it’s really ‘he is enjoying his job’. Be very careful with that because it can lead you to great disappointment. 

I had a regular client where the sessions were great, I guess they must have been because he kept coming back. To me he was a nice client, but just that…another client who I’d not think about until his session or at the time he booked. Unfortunately I didn’t see it coming but one time during a session he told me he loved me. At first I made light of it because I didn’t think he was serious but then he repeated it with total conviction. I didn’t know what to say but when I looked into his eyes I could see that my reaction had hurt him and I felt so bad for him. He told me he’d been thinking about me for ages and he wanted to take me on holiday with him. 

We didn’t get to discussing my rate for that because I suspected he thought I’d reply with ‘I love you too’ and we’d be in a relationship. I had to tell him that the feelings weren’t mutual…although he must have known from my initial reaction to his statement. He didn’t want to hear it though and he wanted me to reconsider and maybe I was just not seeing it. 

I had to be really blunt with him which was awful. I was so surprised that he had misread the situation so badly. Of course he’s never booked again. So I’d say be really careful about mistaking his expertise at his job for something else. 99.9% likely it’s going to end up badly. 

 

 

[DGHou]

On 6/6/2024 at 2:48 AM, Jamie21 said:

This. I genuinely enjoy the work. I guess that comes over with clients. I think when you come across any worker in any job you can usually tell if they really like the job or if they’re mostly just going through the motions and not really engaged with the job.

With a sex worker, because of the proximity and the very personal nature of the work it’s very easy to see and feel the difference of someone enjoying their work vs someone who is just ‘present’ in body only. So I think as a client you could quite easily misread that in a BFE as ‘he has feelings for me’ when it’s really ‘he is enjoying his job’. Be very careful with that because it can lead you to great disappointment. 

I had a regular client where the sessions were great, I guess they must have been because he kept coming back. To me he was a nice client, but just that…another client who I’d not think about until his session or at the time he booked. Unfortunately I didn’t see it coming but one time during a session he told me he loved me. At first I made light of it because I didn’t think he was serious but then he repeated it with total conviction. I didn’t know what to say but when I looked into his eyes I could see that my reaction had hurt him and I felt so bad for him. He told me he’d been thinking about me for ages and he wanted to take me on holiday with him. 

We didn’t get to discussing my rate for that because I suspected he thought I’d reply with ‘I love you too’ and we’d be in a relationship. I had to tell him that the feelings weren’t mutual…although he must have known from my initial reaction to his statement. He didn’t want to hear it though and he wanted me to reconsider and maybe I was just not seeing it. 

I had to be really blunt with him which was awful. I was so surprised that he had misread the situation so badly. Of course he’s never booked again. So I’d say be really careful about mistaking his expertise at his job for something else. 99.9% likely it’s going to end up badly. 

 

 

I wish the provider I fell in love with would have been honest with me from the get-go. I met him about 3 years ago.  He is so passionate in bed.  It helps that we are both 100% verse.  His reviews on friendboy gush about how humble, passionate and unpretentious he is.  I told him I loved him and how loved I felt when I was with him but I was not "in love". Which was a lie.  He never really responded. Because of his non-response I always just enjoyed our time together, which was very easy to do.

We continued to see each other up until 2 months ago when he told me he was moving to be the third in a 20-year relationship.  Like you I know he saw everything in my eyes, especially because a tear fell out of the corner of each of them upon his news. The next thing out of my mouth was "does this mean I am never going to see you again?"  He hemmed and hawed a bit but never said yes or no.  Perhaps he doesn't know if things will work out and he might see me again.  

What I would have liked would have been an honest answer. I have deduced that he is probably the boy toy of one of the couple as the other has a boy toy too. We set a date to see each other before he left but he stood me up and ghosted me.  He had never done that before. I found out that the one he is the boy toy of was in town during this and my provider didn't want to cheat on him.  Which is weird because the guy travels and I am sure hires providers all the time. That is how he and his husband met the guy I am talking about.

He texted me last Sunday and sent some pics of how he is doing.  He looks better than I have ever seen. I am happy for him but I think my heart might not be as broken if he had been honest, no matter how brutal, when I asked if I'd ever see him again.  The little bits and pieces he said that night and in his latest text only made things worse for me.  I am sure he thought he was saving my feelings but that was not the case.

 

[+ Jamie21]

2 hours ago, DGHou said:

I wish the provider I fell in love with would have been honest with me from the get-go. I met him about 3 years ago.  He is so passionate in bed.  It helps that we are both 100% verse.  His reviews on friendboy gush about how humble, passionate and unpretentious he is.  I told him I loved him and how loved I felt when I was with him but I was not "in love". Which was a lie.  He never really responded. Because of his non-response I always just enjoyed our time together, which was very easy to do.

We continued to see each other up until 2 months ago when he told me he was moving to be the third in a 20-year relationship.  Like you I know he saw everything in my eyes, especially because a tear fell out of the corner of each of them upon his news. The next thing out of my mouth was "does this mean I am never going to see you again?"  He hemmed and hawed a bit but never said yes or no.  Perhaps he doesn't know if things will work out and he might see me again.  

What I would have liked would have been an honest answer. I have deduced that he is probably the boy toy of one of the couple as the other has a boy toy too. We set a date to see each other before he left but he stood me up and ghosted me.  He had never done that before. I found out that the one he is the boy toy of was in town during this and my provider didn't want to cheat on him.  Which is weird because the guy travels and I am sure hires providers all the time. That is how he and his husband met the guy I am talking about.

He texted me last Sunday and sent some pics of how he is doing.  He looks better than I have ever seen. I am happy for him but I think my heart might not be as broken if he had been honest, no matter how brutal, when I asked if I'd ever see him again.  The little bits and pieces he said that night and in his latest text only made things worse for me.  I am sure he thought he was saving my feelings but that was not the case.

 

I’m sorry to hear this. It sounds like the guy you hired is indeed a caring person and cares about your feelings which must make it worse. However clearly despite being passionate with you he doesn’t share your feelings. I think sometimes clients misread passion as indicative of deeper feelings, especially if you include kissing. I love kissing but I’m careful as to how it’s perceived.

I totally understand his non response when you told him you loved you felt when with him. It’s similar to situations I have had when it appears that a client is ‘crossing a line’. They say things like that, they start sharing quite personal things, and they send lots of messages. It becomes really difficult to remain friendly, so as to maintain the relationship (in essence a commercial relationship) whilst keeping a distance. Sometimes you just have to respond with silence because to say ‘I like you but if it wasn’t for the payment I wouldn’t be here’ is to let too much daylight in upon magic and is personally hurtful. No one wants to do that to a client so you just say nothing and hope the message gets through. 

I hope you’re able to see it now in hindsight for what it was. If you hire someone, regardless of how it appears, always remember that if it wasn’t for the money he almost certainly wouldn’t be there, and if you’d like that to change it’s up to him to initiate it. 
 

 

[DGHou]

31 minutes ago, Jamie21 said:

I’m sorry to hear this. It sounds like the guy you hired is indeed a caring person and cares about your feelings which must make it worse. However clearly despite being passionate with you he doesn’t share your feelings. I think sometimes clients misread passion as indicative of deeper feelings, especially if you include kissing. I love kissing but I’m careful as to how it’s perceived.

I totally understand his non response when you told him you loved you felt when with him. It’s similar to situations I have had when it appears that a client is ‘crossing a line’. They say things like that, they start sharing quite personal things, and they send lots of messages. It becomes really difficult to remain friendly, so as to maintain the relationship (in essence a commercial relationship) whilst keeping a distance. Sometimes you just have to respond with silence because to say ‘I like you but if it wasn’t for the payment I wouldn’t be here’ is to let too much daylight in upon magic and is personally hurtful. No one wants to do that to a client so you just say nothing and hope the message gets through. 

I hope you’re able to see it now in hindsight for what it was. If you hire someone, regardless of how it appears, always remember that if it wasn’t for the money he almost certainly wouldn’t be there, and if you’d like that to change it’s up to him to initiate it. 
 

 

Sage advice indeed.  Although if he told me while he enjoyed time with me, but if it weren't for the money he wouldn't be there I honestly would have appreciated it more.  I think he probably knew my feelings a few years ago.

Because he would sometimes go into depression or battle some other mental health issues that sometimes plague me.  He would text or call me, come over and bare his soul to me because I understand where he is coming from when those episodes hit.

Your comments shared another light on things.  He overstayed a student visa years ago and has been living under the radar. The guys he is with now hired him a few years ago and rekindled their interest  They have been together for 20 years, married for 10.  They meet under a provider/client arrangement.  One of them has offered to divorce and marry him so that he could remain in the country legally.  I am now wondering if that is his main motive, like the money was with me.  Or if perhaps the two of them have fallen for each other.  He does seem very happy, has put on a little weight which he needed to do, and told me he is "just having fun".  

I guess time will tell.  Thank you so much for the responses.

[maninsoma]

3 hours ago, DGHou said:

Sage advice indeed.  Although if he told me while he enjoyed time with me, but if it weren't for the money he wouldn't be there I honestly would have appreciated it more.  I think he probably knew my feelings a few years ago.

Because he would sometimes go into depression or battle some other mental health issues that sometimes plague me.  He would text or call me, come over and bare his soul to me because I understand where he is coming from when those episodes hit.

Your comments shared another light on things.  He overstayed a student visa years ago and has been living under the radar. The guys he is with now hired him a few years ago and rekindled their interest  They have been together for 20 years, married for 10.  They meet under a provider/client arrangement.  One of them has offered to divorce and marry him so that he could remain in the country legally.  I am now wondering if that is his main motive, like the money was with me.  Or if perhaps the two of them have fallen for each other.  He does seem very happy, has put on a little weight which he needed to do, and told me he is "just having fun".  

I guess time will tell.  Thank you so much for the responses.

After reading your various recent comments, I want to suggest that you try not to view this guy as a black-and-white situation.  By that I mean his lack of response as to whether you'd see each other again was perhaps just an honest lack of having an answer, not an unspoken communication.  His not continuing to see you at the moment doesn't necessary mean anything about all of the time you spent with each other in the past; it's just in the present he has other priorities.  Yes, that does mean that you aren't his #1 priority but it doesn't sound like you ever let yourself get so far down the path of believing something that wasn't true that you are surprised that you aren't his first priority. Maybe he was just a good actor and his time spent with you was all about the money, but that doesn't sound true to me based on everything you wrote.  Sometimes relationships/friendships come to a close, but that doesn't mean that everything that came before was a lie.

[FaustOust]

On 6/6/2024 at 12:48 AM, Jamie21 said:

 

 

 

On 6/6/2024 at 12:48 AM, Jamie21 said:

I had a regular client where the sessions were great, I guess they must have been because he kept coming back. To me he was a nice client, but just that…another client who I’d not think about until his session or at the time he booked. 

 

 

Do you think a regular client-provider scenario can be a type of relationship?  By comparison, although I’m in a completely different line of work, I have clients and I think about them all the time as I must look out for their best interests, not just when I see them or when they call me for something. I always feel as if I am cultivating a relationship. When I see or read something that may be of interest or concern, I inform them.   I may sometimes inquire how they are doing or send cards at holidays, birthdays, etc.  I am acquainted with some of their likes and dislikes. I am often in social settings with them or even their families. So it’s never an out-of-sight out of mind transaction. Wouldn’t it be beneficial to a provider to think the same way?

[+ Jamie21]

17 minutes ago, FaustOust said:

 

 

Do you think a regular client-provider scenario can be a type of relationship?  By comparison, although I’m in a completely different line of work, I have clients and I think about them all the time as I must look out for their best interests, not just when I see them or when they call me for something. I always feel as if I am cultivating a relationship. When I see or read something that may be of interest or concern, I inform them.   I may sometimes inquire how they are doing or send cards at holidays, birthdays, etc.  I am acquainted with some of their likes and dislikes. I am often in social settings with them or even their families. So it’s never an out-of-sight out of mind transaction. Wouldn’t it be beneficial to a provider to think the same way?

Yes I think that happens. I’ve got regular clients who I get to know (and vice versa). With regulars it’s impossible not to get to know them to some extent. I think I’ve mentioned before that one regular client became a friend who I go on holiday with and do social events (to the extent that he no longer hires me because it felt awkward…that cessation of the paid relationship ended because I instigated it). However for the majority of my regular clients there’s a professional distance maintained I think mainly because of the confidential nature of the service. They don’t want to reveal too much and nor do I. That’s the difference between a client relationship in an accountant or doctor or lawyer relationship and that with your sex worker!! 

[DGHou]

On 6/7/2024 at 2:45 PM, maninsoma said:

After reading your various recent comments, I want to suggest that you try not to view this guy as a black-and-white situation.  By that I mean his lack of response as to whether you'd see each other again was perhaps just an honest lack of having an answer, not an unspoken communication.  His not continuing to see you at the moment doesn't necessary mean anything about all of the time you spent with each other in the past; it's just in the present he has other priorities.  Yes, that does mean that you aren't his #1 priority but it doesn't sound like you ever let yourself get so far down the path of believing something that wasn't true that you are surprised that you aren't his first priority. Maybe he was just a good actor and his time spent with you was all about the money, but that doesn't sound true to me based on everything you wrote.  Sometimes relationships/friendships come to a close, but that doesn't mean that everything that came before was a lie.

Thank you for your reply.  It really helps.  I lost my partner 14 years ago and have been single ever since.  This provider is truly a special guy, even with the sex aside.  Humble, unpretentious, kind, no attitude, friendly.  I think that's just his personality  This provider was apparently the same way with other clients based on reviews from friendboy from a few years back. I just let my guard down, which was easy to do when he just wanted to talk about fighting his depression or what was going on in his life in general, in addition to amazing sex.

He has apologized for standing me up and ghosting me right before he left after we had made plans. I know the guys he is with now are paying him for his company and sex in the sense that they are providing shelter, food, fun, etc.  A good friend told me he thought this provider did not treat me well at the end at for me to remember He can not legally get a job since he has overstayed a visa.  So If the couple does not divorce and one of them marry him he will be in the same situation before they wooed him away as he has no prospects other than the one he is courting now.

[topunderachiever]

On 6/10/2024 at 7:53 AM, DGHou said:

So If the couple does not divorce and one of them marry him he will be in the same situation before they wooed him away as he has no prospects other than the one he is courting now.

This appears to be the outcome you're hoping for.  And that he'll come back to you.

Will you then marry him to keep him?  

[DGHou]

21 minutes ago, topunderachiever said:

This appears to be the outcome you're hoping for.  And that he'll come back to you.

Will you then marry him to keep him?  

Ah.  I doubt that would happen.  I offered to do so a couple of years ago.  It's not in the cards for us. And maybe they won't divorce and one marry him.  It is not that simple to arrange a marriage if you are not in this country legally.  INS would be interested in why a divorce and marriage so quickly I'm sure.

If this does not happen for him I don't know how it will affect him.  I will be here to pick up the pieces though, if need be.

[Archangel]

On 6/8/2024 at 7:43 AM, Jamie21 said:

They don’t want to reveal too much and nor do I.

That’s interesting. Paying not for time, not for sex, but for discretion. Interesting. I can see how that’s a thing for some guys. It might even be to a degree for me, now that I reflect on it.

[+ Jamie21]

2 hours ago, Archangel said:

That’s interesting. Paying not for time, not for sex, but for discretion. Interesting. I can see how that’s a thing for some guys. It might even be to a degree for me, now that I reflect on it.

I think for most the need for discretion comes because of the sex. They don’t want people to know they’re buying sexual services, because of the stigma that might bring, or the embarrassment. It’s a shame but that’s the case with society. And yes I also think some like the element of subterfuge that goes along with buying sexual services. It can be exciting if you’re normally very conventional. 

[aiseeya]

A serious relationship with a provider only work when said provider is the one initiating. Even that, one should wonder whether (i) he has the means the finance said provider life (if said provider were to stop working) or (ii) he has mental capacity to share the provider with others (if said provider were to keep his business alive). 

[aiseeya]

On 6/7/2024 at 10:47 PM, Jamie21 said:

Sometimes you just have to respond with silence because to say ‘I like you but if it wasn’t for the payment I wouldn’t be here’ is to let too much daylight in upon magic and is personally hurtful. No one wants to do that to a client so you just say nothing and hope the message gets through. 

If you hire someone, regardless of how it appears, always remember that if it wasn’t for the money he almost certainly wouldn’t be there, and if you’d like that to change it’s up to him to initiate it. 

Words to live by. If he would meet you (in non sexual settings) free of charge but still charge you for sex, he is seeing you as a mate at best. He simply enjoy time spent with you inside bedroom as client and outside of bed as a mate. Thats all there is to it. Reading too much into it wouldnt be good for your mental health and soul.

To be harsh, I feel like some clients need reality check. Delusion is a real.

[Archangel]

I once had a regular provider who gave me a “break” for our overnights if I booked an extra night at the hotel for him to use for subsequent appointments. He ended up calling me a lot during the day even when we weren’t together to deal with his personal issues. When I ran into some issues, he blew up and felt violated. I pointed out that he called me sometimes five or six times a day to listen to his issues, which is an element of my actual employment, and he never “compensated” me for my time. He told me I was delusional if I believed my time was worth what his was. We had a nasty falling out but I’m not upset about it. It wasn’t pleasant in the end. Once when we were together he even got angry with me for wanting him to fuck me because he was tired. He said I was being selfish. I later learned from another escort that this guy overdosed on some sort of drug related to bodybuilding. Tragic, yes, but not surprising.

It’s hard to have personal relationships that are truly healthy that develop from professional ones, sometimes.