HIV and Escorts

[Jacque]

I have seen a particular escort thru the years. I am not that promiscuous but on a visit for blood work found out that I'm HIV +. I confronted him that he had always told me he was negative but came clean to tell me he had been positive for past 10 years.

I can't imagine how many others he may have infected. My question is what exactly who should I  contact? County Health Officials, Rentmen Platform, etc?

I believe it is a Felony for a person knowing they are infected to willfully do this without disclosure.

It is certainly my fault for not being on Prep. I typically was topping. He being on Rentmen andthought he would be honest with me as we discussed it. 

[+ m_writer]

I’m so sorry. *hugs*

[+ JEC]

Sorry to hear this.  

While I'm sure this news is shocking, HIV is now a highly treatable and manageable disease.  Esp if caught early which is sounds like it was (blood test vs symptomatic).  A high %  of HIV+ ppl live full lives with minimal problems by taking a daily pill.  And, there is very promising research and treatments which may produce a cure within the next decade.  In the meantime, if you are undetectable.....you are also untransmissible (U=U, based on relatively recent research).

I don't think what's happened is a felony, and whether or not it is illegal varies by state.   But, I am not a lawyer...some internet research will answer this for you in minutes.

What would you want to accomplish by reporting it?  Do you want him arrested and prosecuted?  If you do, you will put yourself through the stress of testifying and likely public disclosure of your status.   Even reporting to local health officials may open a Pandora's box you cannot control.

As individuals it's on each of us to manage our own behavior as if the other person is carrying an STD.  It is possible for someone to be carrying, and not aware (yet).  It is also possible they aren't being honest about their status (as happened to you).  Escorts by definition have frequent and numerous sexual contacts, the likelihood they are carrying one or more STDs is higher than the average joe.   Managing our own behavior is the only way we can guarantee our own safety.

Not intending to preach or lecture....but since you asked, I think best if you move on and focus on finding peace with your choices and becoming comfortable your new status.

Sorry again this happened to you Jacque.

Edited July 21, 2021 by JEC
addition

[Wanderoz]

Always assume your partner is positive, and act accordingly is the best rule to follow with any sexual partner.

[Jacque]

16 minutes ago, JEC said:

Sorry to hear this.  

While I'm sure this news is shocking, HIV is now a highly treatable and manageable disease.  Esp if caught early which is sounds like it was (blood test vs symptomatic).  A high %  of HIV+ ppl live full lives with minimal problems by taking a daily pill.  And, there is very promising research and treatments which may produce a cure within the next decade.  In the meantime, if you are undetectable.....you are also untransmissible (U=U, based on relatively recent research).

I don't think what's happened is a felony, and whether or not it is illegal varies by state.   But, I am not a lawyer...some internet research will answer this for you in minutes.

What would you want to accomplish by reporting it?  Do you want him arrested and prosecuted?  If you do, you will put yourself through the stress of testifying and likely public disclosure of your status.   Even reporting to local health officials may open a Pandora's box you cannot control.

As individuals it's on each of us to manage our own behavior as if the other person is carrying an STD.  It is possible for someone to be carrying, and not aware (yet).  It is also possible they aren't being honest about their status (as happened to you).  Escorts by definition have frequent and numerous sexual contacts, the likelihood they are carrying one or more STDs is higher than the average joe.   Managing our own behavior is the only way we can guarantee our own safety.

Not intending to preach or lecture....but since you asked, I think best if you move on and focus on finding peace with your choices and becoming comfortable your new status.

Sorry again this happened to you Jacque.

I think just that he doesn't do this to other guests. His profile still shows Negative on his profile. County Health Officials typically can help if he can't afford medicine. That's what he told me was reason he was doing this for money to help offset costs. 

[Colton]

Sorry to hear this news.  And your concern for others he may infect is admirable.

23 minutes ago, Jacque said:

His profile still shows Negative on his profile.

I would encourage him to be truthful or at least vague in his profile.   Use the threat of reporting him as leverage.  Are you planning on seeing him again?

 

[+ José Soplanucas]

1 hour ago, Jacque said:

I have seen a particular escort thru the years. I am not that promiscuous but on a visit for blood work found out that I'm HIV +. I confronted him that he had always told me he was negative but came clean to tell me he had been positive for past 10 years.

I can't imagine how many others he may have infected. My question is what exactly who should I  contact? County Health Officials, Rentmen Platform, etc?

I believe it is a Felony for a person knowing they are infected to willfully do this without disclosure.

It is certainly my fault for not being on Prep. I typically was topping. He being on Rentmen andthought he would be honest with me as we discussed it. 

I am sorry for the bad news, but fortunately nowadays it is not tragic, as other posters point out. I would not report him. You may be not that promiscuos, but your wording gives us enough clues to tell he is not the only one who may have infected you. If you had unprotected sex with him, you probably also did the same with others. Am I right?

Additionally, I do not think that you should look at this in legal terms. Whether or not this is a felony or a crime, does not help to your situation and to your relationship with this human been. Whatever reasons led him to hide his status and to not protect you, I doubt they were coming from an evil nature or intention. I think you know now how hard to cope with the news is. Who knows what circumstances took him to make this wrong decision? Try to see the human side of the issue, not the legal one.

I would have a conversation, or several ones depending on our relationship, trying to make him understand the importance of protecting his partners. I would not try to convince him to disclose his HIV status in his profile. In my opinion, it is private and he does not need to do it to protect others. I would make sure he knows how I feel and how easily he could have prevented it. Just remember, we are assuming he infected you. If I am not wrong, and you did have unprotected sex with others, 

As you insightfully understand, in case he did infect you, it is not only his responsibility. His decision to have unprotected sex knowing he was + puts more weight on his side, indeed. However, you cannot blame him for your own decision. It is true, you would have probably acted differently should you knew the whole picture. However, you knew better and you consciously decided to take the risk. The same goes for everyone who decides to have unprotected sex. 

I am really sorry, and I do not know what I would do in your situation. I do not know how emotionally affected you are. Whatever you decide to do, do not make any decision now. Please, wait until you are able to think rationally what the best thing to do is. 

 

[kaboom35]

Is it inappropriate for the original poster to share the name and city of this escort?  

[Luv2play]

Sorry that you have to deal with this because an escort was not upfront with you about his HIV status. It goes both ways of course and clients should always be honest about their health status before engaging an escort.in any kind of sexual activity. Condoms can break.

That being said, you should make it top priority to get on an effective treatment and get tested regularly and often to determine if it is working and you become undetectable.  Once you achieve the status over a period of time, you can become more confident that you will not transmit the virus to others through sexual contact.

If you see escorts after that point, ask about their status and if neg, are they on PrEP. If pos, are they undetectable. Only deal with reputable escorts who are honest. Being open yourself will encourage them to be open as well.

Good luck.

 

[markeramzn]

I may be the minority here, but I would for sure explore my options.  Why - to help prevent this from happening to other people, and it may send a message within the area where he lives that this type of behavior will not be tolerated.  If it had been rape vs. disease infection would folks say you should still be quiet, and deal with it?   How about abuse - deal with that, or report it?

Working for a University and getting yearly trainings on sexual assault, rape, bias, etc. this would actually fall under assault at a minimum where I live.  I would also find it morally wrong for someone to intentionally misstate their status on any type of sexually transmitted disease.  To not know one is one thing, but to completely lie is another.  Yes, it is a very uncomfortable conversation, but that is part of being an adult, and taking responsibility and even more so in the line of work escorts do.  I would still expect to know even if it was someone I am just a "buddy" with.

I hope you can get some mental healing, as well as great treatment where you experience very little to no loss in the quality of life.  This is always a fear of mine, as well as any other STD/STI (and even though vaccinated, I'm still cautious in regards to COVID).  Wishing you the best.

 

[maninsoma]

While I agree that each person needs to take responsibility for his own health and actions, I also think it's reprehensible for someone to knowingly lie about his HIV status (not just not disclosing it but actually lying about it) when the truth might cause his sex partners to take additional precautions.  I certainly wouldn't continue to see someone who had lied to me in that way.  I wouldn't attempt to make it into a legal issue though, at least not in a circumstance like this.

I'm aware of some escorts local to me who lie about their statuses since they mention being negative on some platforms but then state they are positive and undetectable on others.

[Jacque]

2 hours ago, latbear4blk said:

I am sorry for the bad news, but fortunately nowadays it is not tragic, as other posters point out. I would not report him. You may be not that promiscuos, but your wording gives us enough clues to tell he is not the only one who may have infected you. If you had unprotected sex with him, you probably also did the same with others. Am I right?

Additionally, I do not think that you should look at this in legal terms. Whether or not this is a felony or a crime, does not help to your situation and to your relationship with this human been. Whatever reasons led him to hide his status and to not protect you, I doubt they were coming from an evil nature or intention. I think you know now how hard to cope with the news is. Who knows what circumstances took him to make this wrong decision? Try to see the human side of the issue, not the legal one.

I would have a conversation, or several ones depending on our relationship, trying to make him understand the importance of protecting his partners. I would not try to convince him to disclose his HIV status in his profile. In my opinion, it is private and he does not need to do it to protect others. I would make sure he knows how I feel and how easily he could have prevented it. Just remember, we are assuming he infected you. If I am not wrong, and you did have unprotected sex with others, 

As you insightfully understand, in case he did infect you, it is not only his responsibility. His decision to have unprotected sex knowing he was + puts more weight on his side, indeed. However, you cannot blame him for your own decision. It is true, you would have probably acted differently should you knew the whole picture. However, you knew better and you consciously decided to take the risk. The same goes for everyone who decides to have unprotected sex. 

I am really sorry, and I do not know what I would do in your situation. I do not know how emotionally affected you are. Whatever you decide to do, do not make any decision now. Please, wait until you are able to think rationally what the best thing to do is. 

 

I'm not looking legally as it really helps no one. I think it is issue of he remaining out there potentially infecting other people.

I seldom bottomed. I also wonder if my immune was thrown off due to getting the Covid vaccine. 

[Luv2play]

8 minutes ago, Jacque said:

I'm not looking legally as it really helps no one. I think it is issue of he remaining out there potentially infecting other people.

I seldom bottomed. I also wonder if my immune was thrown off due to getting the Covid vaccine. 

Looking back at your original post, it is not clear whether he has been on antiretroviral treatment since he contracted HIV 10 years ago. If so and he was faithfully taking his meds, he would be undetectable if the treatment worked. And you been seeing him over that period on a regular basis. Do you think you have had the infection a long time? When was the last time you had the bloodwork testing for HIV? 

I think you will want to consider these points and further discussing the matter with him if he is amenable to talking.

I agree with you that the legal route helps neither of you two.  But by talking to him, you might want to urge him to protect others as if he infects another person, they may take legal action. And things could get really messy for him if others come forward to also accuse him. 

[CuriousByNature]

5 hours ago, kaboom35 said:

Is it inappropriate for the original poster to share the name and city of this escort?  

I would think that naming someone could be legally problematic for the OP, but I don't think it would be inappropriate to name the city.  My heart goes out to @Jacque.  Anyone who knowingly puts others at higher risk is selfish beyond words.  Thankfully, as others have noted, treatment options today can give many infected people the same quality of life as those who are negative.  

[Enronnja]

I am so sorry to hear this. I have been in situations where partners were never up front with me and its after we had sex they disclosed their status. Even though HIV is treatable, I am sure its not something you were looking to get. That person did you wrong and they should be reprimanded for it; especially if they are still claiming to be negative on their profile.

Also, if they knew they were poz for 10 years, why they didn’t get into treatment and become U=U? Worst, he is involved in escorting and having unprotected sex and putting others at risk. This sounds like a dangerous person. I am going to reach out to you in private so I can know who it is. Because high chance if they are behaving like, they likely are spreading other STDs too.

[Walker1]

I am no expert on this. But I was reading that if you are on the HIV medication , viral loads become undectable and nowadays there is Truvada too? I wonder if he stopped taking drugs?

 

Anyway , you got it. Hugs to OP. That is my one great fear-especially since I am a single father with kids and just want to be safe at least till the youngest turns 21. When they ran the test, did they not ask who you slept with etc. I had a scare once and tested at the clinic and they asked me a lot of questions on partners, who I had sex with, my relationship with them etc. Luckily I was negative and have stayed negative. Take every precaution possible. 

[+ robear]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this unexpected bad news.  As others have said, though, your prospects of being able to remain healthy with treatment are vastly brighter than they were in past decades. 

One thing is unclear in your story, is this escort your ONLY sexual contact since your PREVIOUS HIV negative test?  You seem to assume you contracted the virus from him, but there's no way to know that if you've had other sexual encounters over the period. He told you he's being treated (escorting to pay for treatment). If he's treatment compliant (U=U), and that is a big if, others are not at risk of contracting the virus from him.

Of course, none of us should misrepresent our STD status to sex partners, commercial or otherwise.  Men do, all the time. As others have said, the only insurance any of us has are the steps we ourselves take to guarantee safety.

Good wishes to you on getting a good, effective treatment plan.  Be sure you have a doctor, whether primary care or infectious disease specialist, with lots of experience in HIV management.

[Jacque]

2 hours ago, robear said:

I'm sorry you have to deal with this unexpected bad news.  As others have said, though, your prospects of being able to remain healthy with treatment are vastly brighter than they were in past decades. 

One thing is unclear in your story, is this escort your ONLY sexual contact since your PREVIOUS HIV negative test?  You seem to assume you contracted the virus from him, but there's no way to know that if you've had other sexual encounters over the period. He told you he's being treated (escorting to pay for treatment). If he's treatment compliant (U=U), and that is a big if, others are not at risk of contracting the virus from him.

Of course, none of us should misrepresent our STD status to sex partners, commercial or otherwise.  Men do, all the time. As others have said, the only insurance any of us has are the steps we ourselves take to guarantee safety.

Good wishes to you on getting a good, effective treatment plan.  Be sure you have a doctor, whether primary care or infectious disease specialist, with lots of experience in HIV management.

Yes, I was exclusively with him the last several years 

[BuffaloKyle]

Going to the original question it depends on your state whether or not it's a felony. Whenever someone finds out through a test they are HIV+ it gets reported to the state health dept. Mainly so they cannot donate blood or plasma of if they arrive at the hospital in an unconscious state it gives the medical staff a heads up but also so they can't falsely claim they didn't know they were HIV+. So if you did want to press charges you of course would need to know their real name and report them to the police. But then opens the door well how did you know this person. 

Edited July 22, 2021 by BuffaloKyle

[+ Lucky]

15 hours ago, kaboom35 said:

Is it inappropriate for the original poster to share the name and city of this escort?  

Yes.

[marylander1940]

17 hours ago, Jacque said:

I have seen a particular escort thru the years. I am not that promiscuous but on a visit for blood work found out that I'm HIV +. I confronted him that he had always told me he was negative but came clean to tell me he had been positive for past 10 years.

I can't imagine how many others he may have infected. My question is what exactly who should I  contact? County Health Officials, Rentmen Platform, etc?

I believe it is a Felony for a person knowing they are infected to willfully do this without disclosure.

It is certainly my fault for not being on Prep. I typically was topping. He being on Rentmen andthought he would be honest with me as we discussed it. 

I'm sorry to hear that and certainly his behavior was irresponsible and inappropriate. 

I don't like the use of the word promiscuous because sounds judgmental and whether someone is hiring or hooking up on Grindr (or a park as folks used to do before internet) is not our business. 

I agree with you that you're also responsible because you weren't on PrEP and I guess you didn't use condoms for anal with him. I'm sure he infected others but hopefully before PrEP was around they used condoms and later on they took PrEP.

As told by others already now HIV is highly treatable. He is also a sick person and he needs help, how come he's not undetectable like so many guys living with HIV? Maybe he's not even responsible when it comes to his own health, let alone others who played Russian roulette with him. 

Whoever you contact is your word against his word but as an HIV + individual he must be stopped from infecting others. In some states if he says he lies about his status there must be some legal consequences.

 

[+ sniper]

Did you think you were his only client? Based on his profession alone you should have been on Prep or using condoms if you knew he was fucking other people you didn't know. You wouldn't expect that he was getting tested every week like a porn star.  He happens to have had HIV for a while, but really even if he hadn't you were running a high risk by not taking your own precautions. 

Ten years ago I would have said report him to the authorities, but now that the dirt cheap generic version of prep is out(and I don't understand why that's not being widely publicized) there are no excuses.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

There are a lot of facts we're not getting, so it's tough for me to say much of anything. 

I'm incredibly sorry you got this news.  It's jarring and difficult, but like others have said here, it's a manageable diagnosis.  

Get your HIV genotyping done.  Find an ID doc you feel comfortable with.  Take care of YOU, first and foremost.

Be angry for now, but don't let that consume you long term.

 

 

Edited July 22, 2021 by Benjamin_Nicholas

[bud001]

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but as many others have said, as long as you keep up with medication you should be able to live a long and healthy life.

Second, although the provider has lied about his status, he might not be the vector as long as he is taking medication. Undetectable = Untransmittable, so if he kept up with his meds chances that he is the culprit is low. So while this is upsetting I think you should consider your other partners in terms of the source.

In some states, transmitting HIV is a crime, sometimes a felony (there are several news articles about this). The laws were written during the start of the AIDS crisis and they are almost always used to unfairly target gay men.

[caliguy]

3 hours ago, bud001 said:

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but as many others have said, as long as you keep up with medication you should be able to live a long and healthy life.

Second, although the provider has lied about his status, he might not be the vector as long as he is taking medication. Undetectable = Untransmittable, so if he kept up with his meds chances that he is the culprit is low. So while this is upsetting I think you should consider your other partners in terms of the source.

In some states, transmitting HIV is a crime, sometimes a felony (there are several news articles about this). The laws were written during the start of the AIDS crisis and they are almost always used to unfairly target gay men.

You know it's funny that other std's are equally bad. Say hepatitis B kills 884000 per year. Also HPV accounts for 43000 cancers per year. Yet no laws are made for transmitting the virus to others. I imagine if gay men were involved they'd change that over night. Also the more red the state is the more draconian the law is. 

Edited July 23, 2021 by caliguy