Expressing a concern for Guy Fawkes/daddy

[Cooper]

Another update: Texted with the social worker. She has reached out to the names I provided. Unfortunately, the ones she spoke to had no knowledge of any relatives nor did they know of anyone who might have POA. If she locates someone she’ll let me know.

[bostonman]

Another update: Texted with the social worker. She has reached out to the names I provided. Unfortunately, the ones she spoke to had no knowledge of any relatives nor did they know of anyone who might have POA. If she locates someone she’ll let me know.

 

Thank you, Cooper. This is really not sounding good at all, but I think we need to keep up hope. I wish there was something I/we could do.

[Despardo]

So sorry to hear this.

[kingsley88]

Thank you Cooper for updating us! I still hope Daddy will make it through.

[Guest]

Another update: Texted with the social worker. She has reached out to the names I provided. Unfortunately, the ones she spoke to had no knowledge of any relatives nor did they know of anyone who might have POA. If she locates someone she’ll let me know.

Thanks a million for your help, @Cooper. Although the DPA (POA) normally does make clear who speaks for the patient (although there have been cases I encountered while on the Ethics Committee that the person on the DPA was clearly not acting in the patient's interest and/or it was clear that the forms were signed when the patient was incapable of understanding what he signed, etc.), it is not necessary that the patient have a DPA to determine the spokesperson. If there are no living relatives, it can simply be a good friend (anyone willing to stay in touch with the medical team and who has good knowledge of the patient). I don't know your relationship to Daddy, but if you're truly a friend, and there is no one else to speak for the patient, that person could be you.

I don't know what the situation is for Daddy, but if, as is common, the lungs are severely injured, it would be nice if someone could push to see if a lung transplant is an option. If the problem, however, is that there has been severe brain damage due to strokes/blood clots, that's a different situation. If no one has found someone to speak for him, maybe someone can look at his address book/contact list.

 

(As an aside, if you want someone specific to speak for you in case of illness, and it's not the first person in line by law --spouse then parent, etc.--you should make very sure you have Advanced Directives forms on file with your PCP and with the person you want to be your spokesperson. This happens commonly in gay couples who are not married: the parent, rather than the long-term domestic partner becomes the spokesperson.)

[+ Lucky]

@Cooper is doing the best he can, but he lives in New York. I personally don't see it as his responsibility to take on Daddy's issues. He has already spent tons of time on this, both posting here and in contact with the hospital. Don't forget, he is the one who was able to get the police to do a welfare check on Daddy. He is also managing the site, at least as I understand it.

So, my suggestion, is not to put any additional duties on Cooper that he does not voluntarily take on himself.

Edited March 17, 2021 by Lucky

[Guest]

@Cooper is doing the best he can, but he lives in New York. I personally don't see it as his responsibility to take on Daddy's issues. He has already spent tons of time on this, both posting here and in contact with the hospital. Don't forget, he is the one who was able to get the police to do a welfare check on Daddy. He is also managing the site, at least as I understand it.

So, my suggestion, is not to put any additional duties on Cooper that he does not voluntarily take on himself.

I have no idea what @Cooper's relationship is to Daddy, including to what extent they know each other, how close they are as friends, and so on. No one is "putting on duties" for him. The purpose of my posting was to inform. If they are good friends and no one else is available, I just wanted to make it clear that he could act as decision maker should be choose to do so. This can happen over the phone if he's across the country. Any consent forms which might need to be signed can be sent electronically via e-mail or via fax.

[SirBillybob]

If a unit co-owner within a condominium corporation or syndicate, there is often an emergency contact on the Board or management records. Similarly, if renting from a company there may be a contact on the lease application as people do pass away and these companies want to make it easier to deal with belongings, etc.

[SirBillybob]

AFAIK, Nevada may have two tiers of substitute decision-making, POA for medical care that can be assigned to anyone by the patient (or a court/ board/committee in the absence of an existing POA?) and “surrogate consent” for end-of-life decisions that is restricted to a relative (in logical succession order in the absence of a pre-appointed relative) and in consultation with attending. Obviously, “surrogate consent” can be assigned to anyone by the patient prior to the event thru the advanced directives route. I am not sure who is allowed to step up and request the decision role. It’s rather ambiguous. If there is a distinction the Social Worker would be able to clarify.

[Cooper]

Thanks @Unicorn for taking the time to post that information. Not sure how the social worker is going to proceed. As of yesterday she was still contacting his friends & business associates.

 

@Lucky ? Thanks for understanding my situation.

[+ Lucky]

If a unit co-owner within a condominium corporation or syndicate, there is often an emergency contact on the Board or management records. Similarly, if renting from a company there may be a contact on the lease application as people do pass away and these companies want to make it easier to deal with belongings, etc.

That is certainly something worth pursuing.

[Guest]

@Unicorn, no criticism of you intended. @Cooper is well aware of the possibilities. He already knows this.

It kinda came off that way. I have no knowledge of Cooper's understanding of the mechanism of care decision making for "unbefriended" patients. As a member of our hospital's ethics committee for over 20 years, my understanding on this subject is probably better than most physicians'. It is not an exaggeration to say that Daddy's life hangs in the balance, and I'm just hoping that my area of knowledge could be shared and possibly even be helpful. Maybe my information is unhelpful in this situation. However, my posting was done with caring in mind, and your response felt to me like a criticism.

[+ Lucky]

@Unicorn is a great contributor to this site in multiple ways. I apologize to him for making him feel criticized.

[SirBillybob]

Similar dynamics occur, ie families with equal but divided players, where no single person or aggregate had been officially assigned executive decision-making status. It just further underscores the fallout of not having made arrangements. Even with clear directives things can go kerflooey.

 

I have related professional experience with the theme in palliative contexts. My siblings and I decided, in conjunction with consulting my mother, that sole discretion would not be mine in her eventual last days (age mid90s) ... that I would be a resource my siblings could draw on, but one of her children without the trumping potential of “credentials” would be formally and legally identified the go-to for health providers. This worked out really well and helped to symbolically and practically distribute the roles as an offspring unit in a balanced way.

 

My thoughts ended up being sought. Interestingly, I also felt content and useful taking on the more housekeeping tasks following an elderly parental death (by this I mean lingerie drawer and Tupperware hoarding level) that usually get dumped on female family members.

[Guest]

@Unicorn is a great contributor to this site in multiple ways. I apologize to him for making him feel criticized.

Thanks for the apology, well-appreciated. I know that emotions are running high in this situation, and it's understandable if sometimes we say things we don't mean.

[former lurker]

Everyone who has posted has been supportive of Daddy and, I think, sought to be constructive in a difficult situation. The medical news has been depressing, but not entirely shocking. Daddy's he

alth has been challenging for him. If positive thoughts, prayers and wishes matter, he has them from so many of us. It's also a warning to all of us that we need to plan for those situations when we cannot speak or act for ourselves in the moment. A lot more of us (gay men) end up being legally untethered to familial decision makers, unmarried and without offspring. It's all the more important for us to put in place decisionmakers and directives.

[+ Cash4Trash]

Because of this thread I now e-mail a good friend every morning and he e-mails me back. Have traded emergency contact #'s , next of kin, etc.

[Cooper]

March 18th Update:

 

Received a call from the social worker. First off daddy’s condition remains unchanged. She called to let me know that a long time friend of daddy’s from the state of Washington was appointed by the hospital to be his decision maker for his health care. Sadly, no family member was found.

[+ Lucky]

March 18th Update:

 

Received a call from the social worker. First off daddy’s condition remains unchanged. She called to let me know that a long time friend of daddy’s from the state of Washington was appointed by the hospital to be his decision maker for his health care. Sadly, no family member was found.

It's good news that someone has been appointed to represent Daddy, but bad news that he still needs it.

Edited March 18, 2021 by Lucky

[liubit]

March 18th Update:

 

Received a call from the social worker. First off daddy’s condition remains unchanged. She called to let me know that a long time friend of daddy’s from the state of Washington was appointed by the hospital to be his decision maker for his health care. Sadly, no family member was found.

Very sad that Daddy’s condition remains unchanged but, on the other hand, it is good news that a decision maker has been found. Let’s just hope that he is not needed. Thank you, @Cooper.

[Guest]

March 18th Update:

 

Received a call from the social worker. First off daddy’s condition remains unchanged. She called to let me know that a long time friend of daddy’s from the state of Washington was appointed by the hospital to be his decision maker for his health care. Sadly, no family member was found.

This is sad indeed. I didn’t know a hospital had that authority, but now he has an advocate

[+ Just Sayin]

Clark County has a public guardian's office: https://www.clarkcountynv.gov/government/departments/public_guardian_s_office/index.php If no one is able to handle his financial affairs, the court will most likely appoint the public guardian's office to do so.

[SirBillybob]

Not trying to micromanage but a busy Social Worker with now an appointed decision-maker may not have time to keep @Cooper in the loop and neither the SW nor the appointee know all of our MO context. I would hope that the appointee, perhaps considered the liaison for other interested 3rd parties like Cooper, can be put in touch with each other. Otherwise, we might not be privy to the eventual outcome.

Edited March 18, 2021 by SirBIllybob

[+ tassojunior]

I've always wondered about the provision that was supposed to be in the ACA providing co-ordination of medical records electronically. Such trouble finding emergency contacts tells me that prior records of medical care and contacts were not found as those would have such information. I hope medical record co-ordination is better than I suspect.

 

Hoping Daddy recovers fully.

[Guest]

This is sad indeed. I didn’t know a hospital had that authority, but now he has an advocate

I'm not sure what you mean by "I didn't know a hospital had that authority...". Hospitals (in the US) are required to determine the most appropriate proxy decision maker for patients who are unable to communicate their wishes, and it's supposed to be the person who is most intimate/knowledgeable about the patient. Are you suggesting that a bench trial takes place every time a patient who can't communicate effectively is in the hospital without Advanced Directives/DPA? We'd have to hire a lot of judges! (I will tell you that a majority of patients don't have advanced directives, though many do).

Of course, there can be disputes among family members. If the health care team cannot resolve disputes among a patient's intimates, ethics committees are usually drawn in, and family conferences are held with the committee members, the patient's intimates, and the health care team, and there usually is some resolution. I can't recall the courts getting involved (to assign a decision-maker) in my decades on that committee. The only time I heard of the courts getting involved in this matter was when I was at an ethics medical conference, and one speaker discussed a case in which the person named in documents as the power of attorney for healthcare was clearly not acting in the patient's best interests, and had a financial interest in the patient dying. It turned out that the patient was clearly not able to understand what he was signing at the time the documents were dated, and the hospital did take the matter to court (and win).

Now that there is a decision maker assigned for Daddy, I just hope someone would be allowed to talk to the person and find out why they're not able to wean Daddy from the ventilator. If the issue is lung-related, I really hope that Daddy's advocate can request a consultation from a transplant team to see if a lung transplant is an option.