Do I Need to Disclose My Race?

[Palidod]

I am of an ethnicity that is generally considered less than desirable in the gay community. I've faced sexual and non-sexual racial discrimination on many occasions in my life. It doesn't feel great. This is one of the many reasons I considering hiring an escort. I want to be able to connect with men that normally would not give me the time of day because of my race.

 

However, I guess I am being naive in assuming a financial incentive would completely eliminate a person's racial bias. Would the escorts still go forward with your session with them regardless of your race? How do you navigate this?

[caliguy]

I want to be able to connect with men that normally would not give me the time of day because of my race. However, I guess I am being naive in assuming a financial incentive would completely eliminate a person's racial bias.

Cher has the right answer for you.

Edited July 30, 2020 by caliguy

[EastbayMike]

"I want to be able to connect with men that normally would not give me the time of day because of my race."

 

I truly feel for you and am really sorry you've been subject to slights because of who you are. I'm not sure if it helps but keep in mind most of us on this site probably hire because we want to connect with men who would otherwise ignore us due to many factors including and outside of race.

 

That being said, I usually let an escort know my basic stats and what I'm into followed by "do you think we'd have a fun time?" Or something similar.

Edited August 1, 2020 by EastbayMike

[seattlebottom]

I do as a matter of courtesy. Believe it or not there are escorts who will not see clients of certain races or ethnicities. Don't take it personally just be grateful about missing out on an unpleasant or even demeaning encounter.

[GTMike]

If you're very sensitive about it and stress over when is the better time to feel like the onus is on to make a disclosure, go to the RM profiles and you'll see many of them will say they are accepting of all enthnicities, ages and LGBTQ communities etc... commentart to that effect.

[+ sync]

I am of an ethnicity that is generally considered less than desirable in the gay community. I've faced sexual and non-sexual racial discrimination on many occasions in my life. It doesn't feel great. This is one of the many reasons I considering hiring an escort. I want to be able to connect with men that normally would not give me the time of day because of my race.

 

However, I guess I am being naive in assuming a financial incentive would completely eliminate a person's racial bias. Would the escorts still go forward with your session with them regardless of your race? How do you navigate this?

I understand your anxieties. My practice was/is to ask at first contact "do you have any discomforts with race, age, or weight?" I do not have an overabundance of discretionary funds, therefore, I try to be as certain as possible of an enjoyable time before I commit.

[Eleven11]

I am of an ethnicity that is generally considered less than desirable in the gay community. I've faced sexual and non-sexual racial discrimination on many occasions in my life. It doesn't feel great.

 

You know, I hate reading stuff like the above. It's actually quite painful to read. All my life I have never understood how there can be so much rampant discrimination within a group so discriminated against to begin with. So many in the gay community are incredibly hypocritical when it comes to "rights" and "equality". I am gay, but in instances like this there is nothing about gay pride to be proud about. Discrimination is not cool.

 

Ok. Off my soapbox. Hang in there @Palidod, there are good gay guys in the world. In one of my absolute favorite "gay" movies, Broken Hearts Club, Jack says, "Everyone can't be straight. Everyone can't be beautiful. Everyone can't be the same, Patrick. Some people are just gay and average. We're the strongest I think." Stay strong @Palidod. (not suggesting or assuming you are "average" as a person at all -- it's just meant generally in the context of the movie quote...everything being based off of looks/appearance, which of course includes how you look as part of your race). I might have to watch the movie again this weekend...

[+ Balthazar]

I describe myself to the escort, including that I'm Black, while discussing my expectations and whatnot. This allows the escort an opportunity to communicate whether or not we're a match prior to meeting. Please note - I don't apologize for my appearance or act like the escort is doing me a favor. Regardless of an escort's personal sexual preferences, they vary in their ability/willingness to connect with certain clients. There are, however, plenty of escorts (depending on where you live) that offer great experiences to a variety of clients.

 

On a related note, I know what it feels like to go into a gay space and feel like you're less than/unworthy/invisible because of your appearance. I've had to remind myself on severely occasions that my self-worth isn't contingent upon how others view me. I don't know if you've had similar experiences, but I hope you're able to have a good time with whomever you hire.

[Kevin Slater]

Any good escort should be happy to see most any client, but if it makes you more confident with the booking, by all means, mention it. Who knows, maybe you'll even weed out a couple of assholes.

 

Kevin Slater

[MidwestCoastal]

I would definitely recommend being open and upfront about any thing you have concerns about. For example, I am average shape with a gut. I always share with a potential provider that I am self-conscious that my body will turn them off. Some have chosen to pass, others have given me reassurance. I wouldn't want to show up expecting a certain experience and then be rejected or subjected to a 'pity fuck' where its obvious he just wants to get off/get me off and get the hell out. You will both be happier if you agree up front on a pleasing experience.

 

Yes, agree with the sentiment that 'discrimination is not cool', but candidly, as 'customers' of service providers, we are discriminating against them all the time - top, bottom, cut, uncut, hairy, twink, bear, muscle, age, height, dick size, tattoos, etc, etc. The nature of service search choices (like RM) is discrimination. I don't want to say turnabout is 'fair play' but it is the nature of the service we are engaging in. Men can't easily fake it with a limp dick, especially if they are a top.

 

We don't live in an ideal world and we all should try to navigate our way to happiness, so I would advise being direct about what you want and who you are. Then use reviews and this forum to call out bad behavior.

 

Just my opinion of course.

[marylander1940]

I am of an ethnicity that is generally considered less than desirable in the gay community. I've faced sexual and non-sexual racial discrimination on many occasions in my life. It doesn't feel great. This is one of the many reasons I considering hiring an escort. I want to be able to connect with men that normally would not give me the time of day because of my race.

 

However, I guess I am being naive in assuming a financial incentive would completely eliminate a person's racial bias. Would the escorts still go forward with your session with them regardless of your race? How do you navigate this?

 

First of all sorry to hear about your personal experiences.

 

Most escorts don't have any hang-ups when it comes to ethnicity, body type, age, etc. but some do and either post it on their ads or they ask a potential client for stats.

 

We've had several threads on the subject.

 

It's your choice to describe yourself or not to the provider.

[Milo Farnsworth]

I'm sure my situation is hardly the same as yours because I can 'fix' mine. I am overweight. I have been slighted and dismissed by the gay community most of my life, because I'm not desirable to my 'type,' which is why when I can I hire an escort who fits that bill. Only once that I can remember did an escort appear to have a 'problem' with my weight. Clearly he's not in the right business. Mind you I'm not huge - just 260 lbs on a 5'6" body. Secondly, I'm 60 years old. Ancient in gay terms, which I understand because when I was in my 20's anyone over 40 was old. Most gay men look past because of my weight and my age. So, in other words I don't think your race is or should be factor. Embrace who you are and go for it.

[caramelsub]

You shouldn’t have to disclose your race. I’ve only once been turned down based on my race. Everything was set, then he asked for my stats, then later texted me “we aren’t a match”. Now I did put my age also in the stats, I was probably about 23 at the time. I know many escorts don’t want to deal with younger clients, because they think they are too immature, don’t have money, or play games. So it could of been my age or race or a combination of both. Also while older clients might think they get discriminated against because of their age, younger clients do as well. I have blatantly been told by escorts that they only see clients over 45 or 30, etc.

[Aaron James]

Q: Do I need to disclose my race?

A: No

 

When it comes to escorts, you are paying for their time. Not the other way around. I don’t disclose my age, weight, race, political beliefs or anything else because it doesn’t matter. I’m paying! If you have a problem with me for any of those reasons that’s your problem, not mine.

[tj_forplay]

I always disclose my basic stats (black, shorter in height, not inshape, my age) kind of in the same manner I would if I was going to meet up with a random person on Grindr. I want to give the provider the chance to opt out, before an appointment is confirmed, if I don't meet their requirements as a client. I have had some providers say it isn't an issue or they don't judge clients by looks, but during the session I felt otherwise. They seem in a rush, not engaged or interested, or now they don't do certain activities. So disclosing won't always help you avoid those providers who let their personal biases get in the way of their business.

 

I don't do it because I'm embarrassed or asking them for a favor to take me on as a client, We're both are providing something the other wants. But I do it help ensure I have an enjoyable time. I rather be turned down in advance vs at the door or they go through with the booking and it isn't an good time.

 

I don't go into many gay spaces or even Pride anymore because I've seen so much discrimination in the gay community, more there, than when I used to spend summers in small country town in Mississippi as a teen. It's like an ugly, not often spoken about truth of the gay community.

[+ DrownedBoy]

Both on this forum, and in some ethnographic studies on male prostitution (a very popular thesis topic, apparently), escorts often say that they won't take Black clients because:

 

1. They're less "generous"
   
2. They're more "demanding" (in one example, the escort complained that Black men want to use the entire hour)
   

 

Sad.

[Monarchy79]

Also,

 

if you do t feel comfortable about disclosing your race, just search through your source ofproviders, and look for key words and phrases that indicate that they have no racial biases.

 

Typically, the following language in profiles indicate this:

 

“No Hangups”

“All Types”

Etc.

[+ JEC]

I am of an ethnicity that is generally considered less than desirable in the gay community. I've faced sexual and non-sexual racial discrimination on many occasions in my life. It doesn't feel great. This is one of the many reasons I considering hiring an escort. I want to be able to connect with men that normally would not give me the time of day because of my race.

 

However, I guess I am being naive in assuming a financial incentive would completely eliminate a person's racial bias. Would the escorts still go forward with your session with them regardless of your race? How do you navigate this?

IMHO I would be up front about it and ask if there are any concerns. Why would you want to risk the appointment going awry if it becomes an issue? Or, for that matter, why would you want to be with someone who had an issue with your race? Save your time energy and money for an exceptional experience....and in my experience exceptional experiences come from lots of up front communication about your expectations from the meeting. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.

[tj_forplay]

Both on this forum, and in some ethnographic studies on male prostitution (a very popular thesis topic, apparently), escorts often say that they won't take Black clients because:

 

1. They're less "generous"
   
2. They're more "demanding" (in one example, the escort complained that Black men want to use the entire hour)
   

 

Sad.

 

1. They're less generous? But the provider sets the rate, they're expecting a tips? ?

2. More demanding? Or just express their discontent with poor service? ?

 

Not trying to change the subject, but interesting enough those two misconceptions are used in probably every industry as reason why a business choose to either provide no service or poor service to blacks. "They don't tip, they expect too much from us." Which is sad but not true for everyone who is black. Something negative a black person does gets deemed as the rule for all blacks, but if it was something positive, it's deemed an exception not the rule.

[+ DrownedBoy]

1. They're less generous? But the provider sets the rate, they're expecting a tips? ?

2. More demanding? Or just express their discontent with poor service? ?

 

Not trying to change the subject, but interesting enough those two misconceptions are used in probably every industry as reason why a business choose to either provide no service or poor service to blacks. "They don't tip, they expect too much from us." Which is sad but not true for everyone who is black. Something negative a black person does gets deemed as the rule for all blacks, but if it was something positive, it's deemed an exception not the rule.

 

I'm not saying this attitude is correct. I'm saying this attitude is.

 

A half dozen sociological studies don't lie.

[tj_forplay]

I'm not saying this attitude is correct. I'm saying this attitude is.

 

A half dozen sociological studies don't lie.

 

No, I agree with you. I'm not saying the studies aren't true. People really have that misconception, it's rooted in racism. But just because a lot of people believe something don't make it a fact.

[Luv2play]

You shouldn’t have to disclose your race. I’ve only once been turned down based on my race. Everything was set, then he asked for my stats, then later texted me “we aren’t a match”. Now I did put my age also in the stats, I was probably about 23 at the time. I know many escorts don’t want to deal with younger clients, because they think they are too immature, don’t have money, or play games. So it could of been my age or race or a combination of both. Also while older clients might think they get discriminated against because of their age, younger clients do as well. I have blatantly been told by escorts that they only see clients over 45 or 30, etc.

I had one escort who in his ad on Rentmen said no clients over 65. So I quizzed him about it and he told me he had a client in his 70’s who had a heart attack during their session and the escort called the medics and had to accompany the client to the hospital in the ambulance. After that harrowing experience, he adopted his new policy.

[caramelsub]

I had one escort who in his ad on Rentmen said no clients over 65. So I quizzed him about it and he told me he had a client in his 70’s who had a heart attack during their session and the escort called the medics and had to accompany the client to the hospital in the ambulance. After that harrowing experience, he adopted his new policy.

 

wow that must of been really awkward/embarrassing.

[GTMike]

1. They're less generous? But the provider sets the rate, they're expecting a tips? ?

2. More demanding? Or just express their discontent with poor service? ?

 

Not trying to change the subject, but interesting enough those two misconceptions are used in probably every industry as reason why a business choose to either provide no service or poor service to blacks. "They don't tip, they expect too much from us." Which is sad but not true for everyone who is black. Something negative a black person does gets deemed as the rule for all blacks, but if it was something positive, it's deemed an exception not the rule.

To further some of the elements of your comment there are also other subtle and not so subtle societal elemental factors at play in all of those studies.

 

WARNING: In order to illustrate the point i am trying to make, it is necssary to use some very offensive caricatures and language that i do not condone. So please if you might be offended don't read any further or think I am being insensitive. Again it is to make a critical point.

 

That is that in the majority of our past and current societal norms, "whiteness" is typically considered the "normal" state of being. So if you're "not white", then you don't need further descriptive characterizations to describe your state of being. And often other "non-white" standards of race and ethnicties are loaded with other negative implications and connotations so unfortunately in our society one only needs those otherwise very broad macro level descriptions to be used perjuratively.

 

Let me try to explain the concept in a simple example;

 

A waiter at a restaurant is angry because he or she felt that they didn't receive a good tip. How might that waiter go about voicing and describing their displeasure to someone else?

 

Often, if the person was "White", the waiter might call them "a jerk", "a tight-wad", or "a dick" or "an asshole". They used descriptions to explain their actions and behaviors.

 

Or to explain the experience they might say they couldn't believe it because the person "looked like a Wall street banker type", (read rich) and they didn't tip well. Again they don't use the person's "race or ethnicity" to explain it. Or maybe the reason was because they were "teenagers/kids" and didn't know any better.

 

They might also say they didn't get a good tip because the patrons "were poor white trash". Here "Whiteness" needs the extra clarifier of "poor and trash" to help you understand why the tip was bad.

 

Now contrast that to if the person who didn't tip well happened to be considered of an "other" category what the waiter might say;

1) "I thought Asians were good at math"

2) "Black people don't tip well"

3) " He Jew'd me" out of the tip

4) "What did you expect? They were Mexicans".

 

In those types of simplified expressions the group's race, ethnicity etc.. is just lumped together with no further descriptive qualifications necessary to help explain the situation. Whereas if the person who doesn't tip well is White, there often needs to be further clarifying statements or adjectives.

 

I am NOT attacking "white people" or "whiteness" at all!!!! But just adding further context of learned psychological biases that people don't often recognize which can influence and cloud some sociological studies.

 

Much peace love and health and happiness to everyone!

Edited July 30, 2020 by GTMike

[JayCeeKy]

in one example, the escort complained that Black men want to use the entire hour)

I'm white and I expect to use the entire hour.