Two Down, One To Go

[+ PapaTony]

My friends, hold onto your hats. I think this is the one you’ve been waiting for.

 

As usual, we had Christmas dinner at my folks’ house with other family members there. This year Navy Twin wore his uniform without argument. We always get sent home with tons of leftovers, and for years, on the 26th, we have a second Christmas dinner with just us. This is a time when we often talk about the boys’ mom and their memories of her. The twins barely remember her, and I suspect Older Brother remembers less than he implies, but they love going over what they do recall, asking me for details they’d forgotten, etc. We do this in the dining room, instead of at the kitchen table, and some years we bring out our wedding china- “Mom’s dishes,” they call them. Older Brother was across from me, Navy Twin on my left, DePaul Twin on my right.

 

We talked about her for a while, and I brought up how young we were when we got married. They know that I think she changed my life, and while they don’t have all the details, are aware that I don’t think I was an especially respectful young man with women before I met her. I’ve never told them the extent of my promiscuity but they know I hoped they’d treat women better than I had, and I believe they always have. So the talk turned to their relationships—Older Brother’s obviously very serious girlfriend, DePaul Twin’s on-again-off-again one, Navy Twin’s long-distance romance that seems to be working okay. DePaul Twin asked his older brother if he thinks he’ll marry this woman, and he looked down for a moment, then said, “Yes, I think so.” The twins whooped, and he added, “Not soon though!”

 

The laughter died out and there was a pause, after which Navy Twin took a deep breath, looked at me, and said, “What about you, Dad? Do you think you’ll ever get married again?” I think they had decided to bring it up at some point on this visit home, and they were very quiet once he said that. And, of course, it was the opening I had hoped for.

 

I told them how happy I had been with their Mom, and opened up about what a hound I’d been, with a reputation so bad she almost refused to date me. (Very wide eyes at that). I told them that when she died, I had no interest in other people at first, and I knew they thought it was because of them, but really, I was just grieving too deeply to think about dating. That I even knew they eventually wanted me to, but I just wasn’t ready. That after a long time it began to feel possible, but they were so close to leaving home by then I kept it to myself, which maybe was unfair, and that I had begun, not dating exactly, but “socializing.” (Big smiles).

 

Wait, I said. I told them that I had come to realize my sleeping around was a way of denying part of who I was. And that I fought for a long time to avoid the fact that, while I did truly love women, I was always also attracted to men. That I accepted that while their Mom was still alive, because I had no more intention of acting on it than I did of cheating on her with a woman. Without giving much detail about timeline, I said it took a while for me to be comfortable admitting it to myself, but I can’t lie to myself, or to you, any more. I know you don’t want me to be alone any more, but you deserve to know that it might be a man who ends that.

 

Pause. Both twins turn to look at their brother. He abruptly stood up, and for a split second I thought he was going to storm out of the room. He swept around the table and from behind my chair wrapped his arms around me and put his head on my shoulder. I think he was trying not to cry. Navy Twin was looking at me with a grave expression, but DePaul Twin was looking down at his plate—and grinning broadly. No one says anything for a long time, and finally Navy Twin asks why I didn’t tell them. I said, honestly, first I didn’t know (or was in denial, at least), then I didn’t know what it would mean, and ultimately, I wasn’t ready. Not ready and not willing to say something until I was. Older Brother squeezed harder at that but didn’t say anything. Navy Twin says, with a trembling voice, “We’d have understood,” but was interrupted by the voice of Older Brother, muffled by his face being pressed into me, saying, “Shut up.” He stood up and went back to his chair, and his eyes were red (no tears, though).

 

After a pause, Navy Twin said, “We just want you to be happy. Nothing else matters. We need you to do whatever makes you happy,” and of course I remembered his parting words on his first day at the Academy. “Be happy.” I asked them if they’d ever suspected and they said no. I asked the twins why they had looked at their brother when I told them, and they said back when they were trying to get me to date women, my oldest apparently made a joke about me wanting a boyfriend instead, and the twins had gotten mad at him.

 

My oldest said none of them could care less, and asked if it had been hard keeping to myself. I told them I had spoken with their uncle about it a while ago, and Navy twin said , “Oh, that was a good idea.” Older Brother said “Don’t tell us if you don’t want to, but is this just an idea, or have you…?” And I interrupted to say don’t expect any details, but yes, I’ve had some experiences. (Once again, very wide eyes.) OB then leans across the table and grinning says, “You are being careful, right?” To which I responded that I believe I had given them the talk about precautions years ago, hadn’t I? And they all laughed.

 

And after that, it was all okay. A long conversation followed, but pretty relaxed (and no sexual details asked for or given). I told them about the gay basketball group I’ve been hanging out with. DePaul Twin hadn’t said anything but had been smiling the whole time. It turns out this was the second coming-out he’d heard this year. His Irish roommate brought a number of girls to the room so my boy had to clear out, but this year he occasionally brought a guy! He asked my son if he minded, and DePaul Twin said who cares? His roommate told him he was bisexual but preferred women. And I said I didn’t know what label fits me, but I suppose bisexual is the place to start. (Nods from all)

 

While each of them has separately come to me to talk a bit about it, that was mostly that. I have heard them talking in one of their rooms a few times and I imagine this is the topic, but they’ve treated it as no big deal, as some of you predicted. Tonight they’re all out on dates, and as they were getting ready to leave Older Brother asked if now they should start suggesting men for me to date. I said give me a chance on my own first but if I’m not having any luck, feel free. I hope I don't regret that!

Damn you man. I do NOT come to this forum to cry yet here I sit blubbering like a toddler who’s ice cream fell to the floor (a reference to a recent grandson experience)

 

But mine are indeed tears of absolute joy for you.

[BasketBaller]

I am very happy that your coming out to the boys went well. Never had a doubt that it would have gone otherwise. You are a good man, a good dad, and you raised good boys.

 

Congratulations.

Thanks, they are my proudest "achievement!"

[Walker1]

That is so heartening! This age and time we live in is certainly great .

[+ Oliver]

... Palm Springs is more likely. Fingers crossed!

 

Oh, please do!:cool:

[+ purplekow]

Oh, please do!:cool:

A direct invitation from the host. How can you turn that down?

[+ honcho]

Sorry!

 

But yes, I too never really thought they'd take it badly-- even though I did have a moment when I thought my eldest was going to storm out. I just needed to be ready to take this step and it probably could have happened a while ago. Remember, I'm the guy who spent over a decade denying any attraction to men, so obviously I need more time than most people to admit the truth.

 

I'm grateful that you would be willing to share your innermost thoughts and fears, and also happy it worked out as well as most of us thought/hoped it reasonably wood. I know what it's like to breather easier

[BasketBaller]

An observation, and an update.

 

As I think more about this scene from last week, it occurs to me that the boys, each having a very different college experience, have begun to diverge a bit from the past. Older Brother, so sarcastic before, is the one who got emotional, perhaps because of his serious relationship. Navy Twin is learning to be a leader, and he was the one who asked the question and explained their concern. And quiet, serious DePaul Twin was the one who saw the humor in it all. The twins haven't spoken in unison as much lately, so I think that's a sign of their paths separating, maybe.

 

And the update? They want to come play basketball with me before the break ends. My only reluctance is that they're half the age of most of the group and will probably kill us. @BabyBoomer suggested that they are either showing their acceptance of my life, or they want to scope out boyfriends for me. Probably both.

Edited December 31, 2018 by BasketBaller

[+ bashful]

I'm the guy who spent over a decade denying any attraction to men, so obviously I need more time than most people to admit the truth.

 

You're not alone. A monumental step. I cried too reading your post. So happy your boys were so accepting. Credit to you and their mother.

[BabyBoomer]

they are my proudest "achievement!"

 

They want to come play basketball with me before the break ends. My only reluctance is that they're half the age of most of the group and will probably kill us..

 

Take them. Let them show their skills on the BB court. I doubt any of the guys you play with would mind.

 

~Boomer~

[+ sniper]

Or maybe one of your boys is bicurious

..the plot thickens.

[+ sniper]

Basketballer, s lot of the gay rugby players bring their straight brothers to the teams. It should be fine.

[BasketBaller]

Take them. Let them show their skills on the BB court. I doubt any of the guys you play with would mind.

 

~Boomer~

Basketballer, s lot of the gay rugby players bring their straight brothers to the teams. It should be fine.

I have no concern that anyone would mind or that it would be awkward, these guys have heard a lot about the boys by now, and several of the group are also fathers, either divorced or single dads (I'm the only widower). I'm just thinking the boys will put us all to shame!

 

(If they want to come, I'll bring them.)

[BigK]

Glad it went so well. A great way to start off the new year!

[BabyBoomer]

They want to come play basketball with me before the break ends.

 

 

 

(If they want to come, I'll bring them.)

 

They're going! Kudos to your boys for reaching out and wanting to meet some of your friends that you've kept hidden from them.

 

~Boomer~

[+ purplekow]

Once the basketball game goes well, consider bringing them to Palm Springs LOL

[LivingnLA]

@BasketBaller, must you make grown men cry across the country and around the world?! You fiend!

 

I was 99.9999% sure it would go like this and I am very happy and thrilled for you. You're a damn good man and you've raised three damn good men. You and your family will be just fine as this new chapter begins for you. I'm sure they will "put you to shame" if they go to your basketball game, but mostly because many of the other players will be distracted by the sheer overwhelming hotness of you and your fine family. Pick skins.

 

I hope 2019 is a wonderful and fantastic year for you. I look forward to you experiencing the family dinner when you introduce your new love interest, whoever it may be, to these insightful and engaging men.

Edited January 6, 2019 by LivingnLA

[+ azdr0710]

Navy Twin says, with a trembling voice, “We’d have understood,” but was interrupted by the voice of Older Brother, muffled by his face being pressed into me, saying, “Shut up.” He stood up and went back to his chair, and his eyes were red (no tears, though).

 

....just reread......maybe I'm being very dense, @BasketBaller , but why did Older Brother tell Navy Twin to "shut up" at this point??....not quite understanding a "shut up" interruption for Navy Twin's comment.......

[alexslaveboy]

@BasketBaller

Just was sitting in bed at 10PM, stumbled upon your post and now 2+ hours later I am both crying and laughing....you and your sons are exemplary human beings and your story updates have been emotionally riveting and inspiring. Your struggles and triumphs are real, raw and emotional.

 

Your journey has been profound for me, as an only child who lost both parents within 18 months of each other, mother to dementia and father to a stroke....I had quit my full time job to care for them in the last 2 years of their lives....

 

I now live a very solitary life but you have inspired me to try and get out there and find some social gay/bisexual groups that can perhaps ease me back into daily life

 

So thank you for opening up being vulnerable and for moving forward each day

I hope that you continue this thread and your stories of you and your amazing boys!

 

All the best,

Alex

Edited January 2, 2019 by alexslaveboy

[BasketBaller]

Navy Twin says, with a trembling voice, “We’d have understood,” but was interrupted by the voice of Older Brother, muffled by his face being pressed into me, saying, “Shut up.” He stood up and went back to his chair, and his eyes were red (no tears, though).

 

....just reread......maybe I'm being very dense, @BasketBaller , but why did Older Brother tell Navy Twin to "shut up" at this point??....not quite understanding a "shut up" interruption for Navy Twin's comment.......

I probably didn't do justice to this part, much of it was clearer in the long conversation afterward. Navy Twin had asked why I hadn't told them before, and that they'd have understood. The twins' older brother took that as questioning my actions, and was adamant in his belief that whatever I needed to do, whatever I felt right about, was exactly what I should have done. And of course, it hasn't taken much in the past for him to tell his brothers to shut up.

 

Note that after a pause Navy Twin persisted in saying it wouldn't have mattered to them. He'll be a great officer..

Edited January 3, 2019 by BasketBaller

[BasketBaller]

@BasketBaller

Just was sitting in bed at 10PM, stumbled upon your post and now 2+ hours later I am both crying and laughing....you and your sons are exemplary human beings and your story updates have been emotionally riveting and inspiring. Your struggles and triumphs are real, raw and emotional.

 

Your journey has been profound for me, as an only child who lost both parents within 18 months of each other, mother to dementia and father to a stroke....I had quit my full time job to care for them in the last 2 years of their lives....

 

I now live a very solitary life but you have inspired me to try and get out there and find some social gay/bisexual groups that can perhaps ease me back into daily life

 

So thank you for opening up being vulnerable and for moving forward each day

I hope that you continue this thread and your stories of you and your amazing boys!

 

All the best,

Alex

Thank you, friend. My condolences to you, and my admiration for you having been a caregiver-- no one who hasn't done that knows what it's like. Yes, look for some group or activity that has an appeal, and no fear, I'll keep everyone updated on our family journey.

[rvwnsd]

I probably didn't do justice to this part, much of it was clearer in the long conversation afterward. Navy Twin had asked why I hadn't told them before, and that they'd have understood. The twins' older brother took that as questioning my actions, and was adamant in his belief that whatever I needed to do, whatever I felt right about was what I should have done. And of course, it hasn't taken much in the past for him to tell his brothers to shut up.

 

Note that after a pause Navy Twin persisted in saying it wouldn't have mattered to them. He'll be a great officer..

 

@BasketBaller, Older Brother took a page out of the Men's Coming Out Group playbook. You have three built-in SOFAs (Significant Others, Friends, and Allies) not only for yourself but for people they encounter in the future. You must be very proud of them. I know I am!

 

You are "Dad of the Decade."

[Gvtire]

So happy for you. You raised 3 great men.

[Phil_musc]

Wonderful story - thank you for sharing so much of your life with us. I fell like I kinda know you even though I'm sure we've never met.

[gallahadesquire]

So happy for you. You raised 3 great men.

One might arguably say four.

[Gvtire]

One might arguably say four.

Your right