Advice-Fiancé is an Escort

[jmkblnd1]

Hi-I just found out my fiancé is an Escort, so was wondering if any escorts on this site have partners or if anyone else has a partner that is an escort, and offer any advice on how to navigate this relationship. (Sorry if this is the wrong forum for this) please private message me, just need someone to talk to since he asked me not to tell any of my friends. 

Thread moved from the Deli to the Lounge. CoM Mods.

[mrkileen]

Probably someone with a high sex drive that enjoys being admired and quick cash. 

Could open up a fun world for you if you can bare it. Not everyone's cup of tea. Your call. 

[SecretProvider]

17 minutes ago, jmkblnd1 said:

Hi-I just found out my fiancé is an Escort, so was wondering if any escorts on this site have partners or if anyone else has a partner that is an escort, and offer any advice on how to navigate this relationship. (Sorry if this is the wrong forum for this) please private message me, just need someone to talk to since he asked me not to tell any of my friends. 

I am happy to answer any questions you have buddy - DM me. 

[+ PhileasFogg]

I’m not an escort nor am I someone whose partner is an escort.   But I’ve interacted with many asking similar questions.

I don’t want to oversimplify, and I doubt there’s a text book way to maneuver this.   But I always come back to one key question for all of them to consider - “who does your partner come home to at night and hold as they go to sleep”

There are many other issues and questions, but those don’t matter if you can’t find comfort in the answer to this question first. 

Edited yesterday at 09:37 AM by PhileasFogg

[maninsoma]

I'll ask the obvious (at least to me) question:  How does one get to the point of being engaged without knowing something as basic as what each other does for a living, or even as a side-hustle?

[danteig]

3 hours ago, PhileasFogg said:

 

- “who does your partner come home to at night and hold as they go to sleep”

 

The client if it’s an overnight

[marylander1940]

7 hours ago, jmkblnd1 said:

Hi-I just found out my fiancé is an Escort, so was wondering if any escorts on this site have partners or if anyone else has a partner that is an escort, and offer any advice on how to navigate this relationship. (Sorry if this is the wrong forum for this) please private message me, just need someone to talk to since he asked me not to tell any of my friends. 

Thread moved from the Deli to the Lounge. CoM Mods.

How did you find out?

How would you feel if others (friends, coworkers, neighbors, family) know he's an escort?

How old are you and how old is he? 

Do you guys live together? 

7 hours ago, mrkileen said:

Probably someone with a high sex drive that enjoys being admired and quick cash. 

Could open up a fun world for you if you can bare it. Not everyone's cup of tea. Your call. 

Without a doubt!

Specially nowadays when MOST gay relationships are open, is hard to find a single guy on Grindr. 

And don't you forget about the money... 

 

[+ PhileasFogg]

2 hours ago, danteig said:

The client if it’s an overnight

I’m sorry if you missed the point on what is a response to a serious matter for the OP

Edited yesterday at 03:54 PM by PhileasFogg

[BeamerBikes]

After having a bf I considered getting serious end up having a secret husband once, I reframed my thoughts on similar subjects.  
 

“If you have to tie up a dog to your porch, he ain’t your dog”. I used to think this was about dog needing to stay on property.  Over time, I see it as long as the dog stays loyal to you and comes back.  It’s your problem to square away if you can’t handle other folks petting your dog.  What matters to me - knowing when it counts, the dog is in my corner.  
 

A decade plus after the husband in the closet - we still talk and somehow have an odd fellows friendship/lovers relationship.  He’s since gone through multiple husbands.  I’d probably never marry him tho. I can’t count on him to be in my corner if shit got hard.  
 

Same vein as Philleas - no matter how he earns his living, if shit gets hard in your lives, will he cut and run, or stay and fight thru it with you?  That’s the only question I see mattering.  

[MscleLovr]

7 hours ago, PhileasFogg said:

one key question….to consider - “who does your partner come home to at night and hold as they go to sleep”

I agree. It’s fundamentally a question of trust.
I had a boyfriend who was a model; he had a superb physique and travelled regularly for work.
Whenever anyone at our gym asked me if I ever worried or was jealous about him having sex with others when away from home, I used a variation on this theme as my response: “he always comes home to me and to sleep in our bed”.

4 hours ago, maninsoma said:

How does one get to the point of being engaged without knowing something as basic as what each other does for a living, or even as a side-hustle?

Put simply, people lie and/or dissemble.
The boyfriend I mention above made all the running in our relationship. He told others I was his boyfriend and he told me he loved me. We were living together for over 12 months before I found out that, apart from the modelling work, he was an ultra-discreet escort.
We had a painful and tearful discussion, and we persevered. 

My advice to the OP would be to sit down and frankly discuss your concerns and fears. You should not assume anything. Ask about how you can safeguard your sexual health in future…and get fully tested now if you’re uncertain. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries (or ‘red lines’) if that’s what you want, eg no overnight dates with clients or certain events are sacrosanct and his presence with you is non-negotiable.

[Nue2thegame]

I have known a few providers, including married couples, that have been in ongoing relationships but none for more than 3 years. I’ve met many more that have talked about the trials and tribulations of seeking a long term relationship and many have given up, expressing the expectation to pursue that goal after they stop escorting. While I’m sure there are more successful examples, my impression is that it’s a long hard formidable challenge to have a committed relationship with a provider unless both embrace the same lifestyle. The fact that you are just learning of this doesn’t bode well. I wish you luck. 

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

Make sure you both open separate Roth IRAs and fund them to the max each year.  Escorts won't have a company pension.

[jmkblnd1]

Thanks Everyone. I have a lot to think about. Yes, him telling me just now is it's own issue, I knew he was one in his past, but he told me it was his past and he stopped doing it....maybe thats my fault for believing him....but we don't live together and I did have my suspicions, so when he told me he was still doing it, I wasn't shocked and felt a little relieved I wasn't crazy for thinking he was... but now that it's confirmed I don't know how to feel because I love him so much and when one of you say as long as he comes home to me every night or if shit gets hard, he stays and we work it out, make me feel a little better....but at the same time, not knowing where or who is with may make me crazy. He says he wants to stop and get a new job but his circumstances don't allow him many options and obviously, won't pay the same. 

I've never hired an escort but I certainly go get massages at spas with HE while we've been together, so maybe I'm a hypocrite?

 

[BigK]

I don’t think you’re a hypocrite.  Your situation has its own set of complexities.  But I think you’ve received good advice and you’ve got a good frame of mind about it.  I do wonder, though why he doesn’t consider himself to be qualified for another job.  

[+ azdr0710]

3 hours ago, jmkblnd1 said:

I've never hired an escort but I certainly go get massages at spas with HE while we've been together, so maybe I'm a hypocrite?

 

I assume he already knows this..........right?!

[BuffaloKyle]

4 hours ago, jmkblnd1 said:

but we don't live together

A kind of off topic thought as this caught my eye. Have you ever lived together? Don't marry someone without living together first.

[+ PhileasFogg]

12 hours ago, jmkblnd1 said:

Thanks Everyone. I have a lot to think about. Yes, him telling me just now is it's own issue, I knew he was one in his past, but he told me it was his past and he stopped doing it....maybe thats my fault for believing him....but we don't live together and I did have my suspicions, so when he told me he was still doing it, I wasn't shocked and felt a little relieved I wasn't crazy for thinking he was... but now that it's confirmed I don't know how to feel because I love him so much and when one of you say as long as he comes home to me every night or if shit gets hard, he stays and we work it out, make me feel a little better....but at the same time, not knowing where or who is with may make me crazy. He says he wants to stop and get a new job but his circumstances don't allow him many options and obviously, won't pay the same. 

I've never hired an escort but I certainly go get massages at spas with HE while we've been together, so maybe I'm a hypocrite?

 

I think the hardest part here may not actually be what he does, but that you were misled about it. That kind of breach of trust can feel more destabilizing than the work itself.

There’s still a lot of nuance worth sitting with before you decide what this means for you.

Did he avoid telling you because he was afraid of losing you, or because he didn’t want to deal with the consequences? When he finally told you, did it feel like honesty and vulnerability, or more like “this is who I am, take it or leave it”? Is he truly trying to change his circumstances, or simply hoping you’ll adapt to them?

You’re clearly very invested emotionally. What does he do, in concrete ways, to show that your commitment is matched? And practically speaking, does this situation place more emotional or financial strain on you than on him?

None of these questions are accusations. They’re about understanding balance, safety, and trust. Love can coexist with complexity, but only if both people are carrying their share of the weight.

It may help to remember that the person who feels they have less to lose often has more leverage, even unintentionally. Moving forward may mean naming any imbalance honestly and deciding together what would restore a sense of stability and mutual respect for you — not just keeping things intact.

Personslly, I think this is salvageable if you are both equally invested 

[+ JamesB]

First you need to ask yourself some honest questions: Are you fundamentally okay with your partner doing sex work as a profession, or does it cross a personal boundary for you regarding monogamy, intimacy or exclusivity?. How do you feel about the secrecy?. You are planning to marry this person based on a version of him that was incomplete. Will you be able to trust him from now on?. Do issues like jealousy, safety concerns or sexual health feel manageable or overwhelming?

He asked you not to tell your friends. While privacy is understandable, this also serves to isolate you. It prevents you from accessing your support system.
Some couples successfully navigate "out-of-the-box" arrangements, but it requires radical honesty. If you value traditional monogamy and exclusivity, this may be a fundamental incompatibility that love cannot fix. Slow down the engagement. There is no rule saying you have to get married on the original schedule while processing a revelation of this magnitude and get professional help.

Edited 2 hours ago by JamesB

[maninsoma]

Money is another thing to consider.  Just reading between the lines, it doesn't sound like your partner is the kind of escort who developed a highly successful career and then managed to invest his proceeds to secure his future.  (I am writing this just based on him having stopped escorting but then going back to it because "his circumstances" prevent him from doing anything else.)  Are you okay with him being financially dependent on you as you grow older?

I obviously don't know you or your partner, but is substance use part of the picture?  Is that a factor in why he chooses to escort (for some, drugs and sex go hand-in-hand) or in the "circumstances" that make it difficult for him to get other employment?

[Peter Eater]

15 hours ago, jmkblnd1 said:

I have a lot to think about. Yes, him telling me just now is it's own issue, I knew he was one in his past, but he told me it was his past and he stopped doing it....maybe thats my fault for believing him....but we don't live together and I did have my suspicions, so when he told me he was still doing it, I wasn't shocked and felt a little relieved I wasn't crazy for thinking he was... but now that it's confirmed I don't know how to feel because I love him so much

Break off the engagement. Lying and keeping secrets is a terrible foundation for a marital relationship. Disaster awaits. The marriage will fail.

That doesn’t mean you should end the relationship. It does mean you need to reboot. If you are concerned that you might be at fault for believing his deceit, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Find a good therapist, single or couples, and look honestly at the dishonesty. The fix won’t be quick. It took years for the two of you to develop these self-destructive patterns, so it will take time to correct. But it can be done.
 

Step one requires breaking off the engagement. Being boyfriends is about learning how to be together. Right now, neither of you has any idea. Start over.

Good luck.

[Nue2thegame]

Nice to be back on track with this discussion. Previous contributions, now redacted, seemed to suffer from the misconception that we are a Bible Study Group. 

[CuriousByNature]

3 minutes ago, Nue2thegame said:

Nice to be back on track with this discussion. Previous contributions, now redacted, seemed to suffer from the misconception that we are a Bible Study Group. 

What??? When did that change? LOL

[+ Charlie]

• Before my potential husband and I started living together, the first subject I broached was the issue of sexual exclusivity: we both were accustomed to being sexually promiscuous, and I didn't want that to end. We agreed that having sex with other people was OK as long as we didn't keep it a secret from one another.  He has already let you know that sex with other people is his job, but does it/will it ever go beyond a "job" with someone else? Will you be comfortable hearing about his work? Will he expect to "work" at home, and how do you feel about that? Will his need to "work" take precedence over your personal plans together? How would you feel if a client wanted a threesome? How do you plan to explain your relationship to other people? If either of you is uncomfortable discussing these issues in advance, or if you are uncomfortable with his answers, then you need to go slowly with any kind of commitment.