Feeling ugly/unattractive when with a provider

[+ ApexNomad]

5 minutes ago, NYXboy said:

Confidence is the sexiest thing anyone can wear. 

 

I had a good report with one provider but he lost his hard on half way through the session - and it made it obvious that he wasn't turned on and as a result, I never rehired - despite how much I liked him and we got on 

I’m sorry you had that experience. Given how well you got along, is it possible it wasn’t really about you, but perhaps something else was going on? I’ve mentioned this before, but once I met with a provider and it was clear early on nothing was going to happen. He’d just been having a tough few weeks, so we ended up at the hotel bar talking for hours. Really nice guy. He insisted we meet again the next night, which we did and he was amazing.

[+ KensingtonHomo]

59 minutes ago, Simon Suraci said:

I’m less concerned with how freshly laundered his hand towels are, or how spotless his kitchen is. While these are nice, I wouldn’t be judging him for having a normal everyday cooked-in kitchen or a rag on the side of the bed.

Of course, this is my own blend of neurosis and being a virgo. 

[Tom C. Sinclair]

I know I’m ugly and unattractive. Hence why I don’t expect dating to work and pay good-looking guys to pretend to like me. I’m fortunate that though ugly, I’m financially able. 

[+ Jamie21]

On 8/19/2025 at 4:42 AM, KensingtonHomo said:

Oddly, I worry more about whether the house is clean enough; do we have something to drink; are the "hand towels" laundered? 

Now these are the correct things to worry about 👍. I’ve done out calls and there’s been some quite disturbing environmental issues which really can impact the session. Poorly selected scatter cushions, mismatching bathroom towels, cheap toiletries in the bathroom, very poor lighting (all from above, ugh).

This week I did an outcall to a guy and he showed me through to the bedroom which was almost in total darkness. I don’t mind ambient lighting but I could hardly see anything. I asked to turn the light on a bit and he said to switch the light on in the en suite, which threw some light into the bedroom. But not enough. There’s practical considerations…how am I meant to check all is ok down there before rimming him if the place is like a darkroom? 

[mike carey]

4 minutes ago, Jamie21 said:

Now these are the correct things to worry about 👍. I’ve done out calls and there’s been some quite disturbing environmental issues which really can impact the session. Poorly selected scatter cushions, mismatching bathroom towels, cheap toiletries in the bathroom, very poor lighting (all from above, ugh).

This week I did an outcall to a guy and he showed me through to the bedroom which was almost in total darkness. I don’t mind ambient lighting but I could hardly see anything. I asked to turn the light on a bit and he said to switch the light on in the en suite, which threw some light into the bedroom. But not enough. There’s practical considerations…how am I meant to check all is ok down there before rimming him if the place is like a darkroom? 

How absolutely ghastly!

[+ Jamie21]

7 minutes ago, mike carey said:

How absolutely ghastly!

Truly horrific. I should add that he had a mirror above the bed, and full mirror wardrobes. I mean what’s the point if it’s so dark you can’t see? (Aside from it being quite tacky). 

[Nightowl]

4 hours ago, Jamie21 said:

Truly horrific. I should add that he had a mirror above the bed, and full mirror wardrobes. I mean what’s the point if it’s so dark you can’t see? (Aside from it being quite tacky). 

Weren’t there any spotlights trained on the bed so that the guy on his back could see the action in the ceiling mirror?  

[rvwnsd]

6 hours ago, Jamie21 said:

Truly horrific. I should add that he had a mirror above the bed, and full mirror wardrobes. I mean what’s the point if it’s so dark you can’t see? (Aside from it being quite tacky). 

A  long since retired, well-reviewed and revered escort had a similar setup. He was very proud of it and I just played along. It was the tackiest thing ever.

6 hours ago, Jamie21 said:

Now these are the correct things to worry about 👍. I’ve done out calls and there’s been some quite disturbing environmental issues which really can impact the session. Poorly selected scatter cushions, mismatching bathroom towels

I was entertaining a regular hire and had put out my nice, fluffy and thick bath towels for him to use when showering. (They are always out - I use them myself) He finishes the shower and yells out "hey, do you have different towels?". We had played with oil and he didn't want to get the nice bath towels all messy with oil. The worn Target towels did the trick.

 

[mike carey]

5 minutes ago, rvwnsd said:

We had played with oil and he didn't want to get the nice bath towels all messy with oil. The worn Target towels did the trick.

The guy had class. Or at least consideration.

[Tom C. Sinclair]

13 minutes ago, rvwnsd said:

The worn Target towels did the trick.

They were on target.

[+ Jamie21]

2 hours ago, Nightowl said:

Weren’t there any spotlights trained on the bed so that the guy on his back could see the action in the ceiling mirror?  

If there were, he didn’t turn them on. I suspect that unfortunately he was quite ashamed of what he was doing. I may be wrong of course but sometimes one gets vibes of someone who has a lot of issues to deal with when it comes to gay sex. Cultural, religious or societal pressures that make them feel ashamed (hence the no looking in the eye), keeping the lights off and some really awkward misconceptions about sex between guys. They want to act on their feelings but at the same time feel ashamed about it. It’s very sad 😢. 

[Nightowl]

2 hours ago, Jamie21 said:

If there were, he didn’t turn them on. I suspect that unfortunately he was quite ashamed of what he was doing. I may be wrong of course but sometimes one gets vibes of someone who has a lot of issues to deal with when it comes to gay sex. Cultural, religious or societal pressures that make them feel ashamed (hence the no looking in the eye), keeping the lights off and some really awkward misconceptions about sex between guys. They want to act on their feelings but at the same time feel ashamed about it. It’s very sad 😢. 

I suppose if he were to hire you again you might find out whether he had moved past any of those issues.  My first gay experience was later in life and I had all kinds of concerns about what it signified about me, what acts I absolutely would/wouldn’t do, guilt, shame, etc, but I eventually came to accept that part of myself.  I hope he comes to terms with whatever issues he has…

[+ Jamie21]

49 minutes ago, Nightowl said:

I hope he comes to terms with whatever issues he has…

So do I. I wanted to cuddle him and let him talk but it was clear he wasn’t ready for that. I feel so bad for people who have such shame over what is an entirely natural and normal human condition. Unfortunately misplaced religion, intolerance, ignorance and bigotry causes it. We must always fight against these things. 

[spidir]

1 hour ago, Jamie21 said:

So do I. I wanted to cuddle him and let him talk but it was clear he wasn’t ready for that. I feel so bad for people who have such shame over what is an entirely natural and normal human condition. Unfortunately misplaced religion, intolerance, ignorance and bigotry causes it. We must always fight against these things. 

It's still the Time to Decriminalize Sex Work

[Nightowl]

1 hour ago, Jamie21 said:

So do I. I wanted to cuddle him and let him talk but it was clear he wasn’t ready for that. I feel so bad for people who have such shame over what is an entirely natural and normal human condition. Unfortunately misplaced religion, intolerance, ignorance and bigotry causes it. We must always fight against these things. 

The empath in me would want to reach out and see whether he’d like to come back but that would probably freak him out.

[+ Jamie21]

43 minutes ago, spidir said:

It's still the Time to Decriminalize Sex Work

Interesting website, thanks for sharing. Luckily sex work is legal (subject to some stipulations) here in the UK. I can freely discuss sexual services with clients without fear of law enforcement, and can contact the police if a client refuses to pay or threatens me…fortunately that has never happened in over 6 years of working, which I am sure is in part due to the work being within the law. However the credit card companies restrictions does impact me, so does the discrimination of some websites which object to the discussion between adults about sex work or business. I understand the importance to websites of keeping such things from being accessed by children but I certainly do not understand the unilateral, arbitrary and beyond challenge decisions about what adults can see and discuss on their platforms. Who are they to decide what’s ‘moral’ or ethical? 

[pubic_assistance]

1 hour ago, Jamie21 said:

Luckily sex work is legal (subject to some stipulations) here in the UK. I can freely discuss sexual services with clients without fear of law enforcement

You are very blessed to be working in a Progressive-minded country. Always remember that when discussing sex-work, we-Americans we are not so lucky. 

Discretion is important here. 

You never know with all the increasing surveillance, when law enforcement will decide to take someone down for "sex trafficking". 

[rvwnsd]

12 hours ago, mike carey said:

The guy had class. Or at least consideration.

He has both.

We were discussing "being someone's type" and I mentioned that as I've gotten older, there is no longer a specific "type" that interests me. I also mentioned that twenty years ago I might not have hired him because he doesn't fit what my type was back then. He said "you aren't my type, either. But I get aroused by getting you aroused. And you worship my penis like no one else has." We both laughed. We also agreed that being so comfortable with one another that we can have this conversation adds to our mutual attraction and appeal.

12 hours ago, Tom C. Sinclair said:

They were on target.

HA! Good one. They certainly were.

[MscleLovr]

I’d like to add ‘my two cents’ for the OP.

If your date doesn’t find you attractive @DMonDude - or if you fear that - ask him to focus on the features of Benjamin Franklin that they will soon be fondling.
 

A lot of working guys truly like him, and some even find him readily arousing.

[+ purplekow]

On 8/19/2025 at 8:31 PM, Tom C. Sinclair said:

I know I’m ugly and unattractive. Hence why I don’t expect dating to work and pay good-looking guys to pretend to like me. I’m fortunate that though ugly, I’m financially able. 

Ugly is usually an opinion based on physical attributes but unattractive, for me, relates to how appealing you are as a person and as such is more attitudinal than physical.  So as far as being ugly, you can do the best you can with what you got.  As far as unattractive, you already mentioned you are financially attractive and my guess is you probably have other attractive aspects.  

[pubic_assistance]

1 hour ago, MscleLovr said:

If your date doesn’t find you attractive @DMonDude - or if you fear that - ask him to focus on the features of Benjamin Franklin that they will soon be fondling.

I have two friends who are straight but did a little hustling of gay men, when they were young. They both admitted that there was zero physical attraction to their "Johns". They were excited by the thought of being PAID to cum (in somebody's mouth). 

[PileDriver]

attraction isn't always physical

[Alex Hawk]

On 8/18/2025 at 5:10 PM, Occasional said:

My attitude is that they're simply in the wrong line of work. I don't hire them again... I've no wish to pay for a provider who is simply seeking to monetise their sex life.

I like to compare the client/provider relationship to that of a diner and a restaurant. The restaurant/chef doesn’t care where you’re from or what you look like. They care that you can pay for your meal and don’t try to rewrite their menu. And if you’re kind and courteous they’ll be happy to see you when you return - particularly if you tip in cash! On the flip side, if I visit a restaurant that can’t deliver a good meal and some hospitality, next time I’ll find one that can.

On 8/19/2025 at 9:02 PM, Simon Suraci said:

I’ve met some beautiful souls in this line of work… I don’t care what he looks like. It’s all about fulfilling what my client needs. He doesn’t have to entertain me either; that’s my job.

Exactly 👍 

[PileDriver]

a nice guy...an open and adventurous personality...a playful attitude toward sex...a great sense of humor...an infectious smile...and so on goes a long way...more than looks...an insatiable hole...a not so big dick that has all the right moves...

 

[mike carey]

24 minutes ago, Alex Hawk said:

They care that you can pay for your meal and don’t try to rewrite their menu.

I had been about to object to the part about not rewriting menus, but I realised it was more nuanced than it had first appeared. Some of their menus are narrow and restricted, others are far broader, but each menu is a set of boundaries. Some boundaries can be pushed, others are set in granite. You may find a pizzeria that sells sushi, but don't count on it.