In The Closet? A Topic For Discussion

[+ purplekow]

Just now, Wings246 said:

This statement resonates so much with me.  I suppose I need a reason to change my status quo.  Finding / Having the right person will be the perfect push & reason I need to be honest.  The problem, though, is that it's more difficult to find / meet the right person if I continue to stay in the closet.  Is this the classic example of a the chicken-or-egg paradox?  Which one needs to come first?   😅

It seems no one is coming at all.  Time and tide wait for no man in or out of the closet.  

[Rudynate]

6 minutes ago, Wings246 said:

This statement resonates so much with me.  I suppose I need a reason to change my status quo.  Finding / Having the right person will be the perfect push & reason I need to be honest.  The problem, though, is that it's more difficult to find / meet the right person if I continue to stay in the closet.  Is this the classic example of a the chicken-or-egg paradox?  Which one needs to come first?   😅

I think about the line from Auntie Mame - "When you're from Pittsburgh, you've got to do something."  So, do something, anything that moves you in the right direction.

[Km411]

53 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

Thats what MOST parents care about most.

As the parent of a Bi son I can say that is what I care most about.

[pubic_assistance]

37 minutes ago, Km411 said:

As the parent of a Bi son I can say that is what I care most about.

My children have all been raised to prioritize trust, caring, and honesty in all relationships. Who they date, is not my business. HOW and WHY they date, definitely is.

[+ Charlie]

I think that most parents would rather that their child have a stable relationship with one person they like, of whichever gender, than promiscuous sex with multiple persons they don't know, of whichever gender. I think of "coming out" to family as simply explaining which gender one is sexually attracted to, rather than explaining all about whatever kind of sexual activity one actually engages in. I certainly would never have told my parents about gay bath-houses or sex parties, or the kinds of experiences that are usually discussed on this site, any more than I would have told them if I patronized female prostitutes.

Remember: "coming out" is explanation, not confession.

Edited May 26 by Charlie

[Danny-Darko]

1 hour ago, Charlie said:

I think that most parents would rather that their child have a stable relationship with one person they like, of whichever gender, than promiscuous sex with multiple persons they don't know, of whichever gender. I think of "coming out" to family as simply explaining which gender one is sexually attracted to, rather than explaining all about whatever kind of sexual activity one actually engages in. I certainly would never have told my parents about gay bath-houses or sex parties, or the kinds of experiences that are usually discussed on this site, any more than I would have told them if I patronized female prostitutes.

Remember: "coming out" is explanation, not confession.

I agree with you but that's a VERY modern perspective. Maybe now days but certainly not back in my days 60 plus years ago! 

[+ Charlie]

38 minutes ago, Danny-Darko said:

I agree with you but that's a VERY modern perspective. Maybe now days but certainly not back in my days 60 plus years ago! 

Well, I actually did come out to my parents more than 60 years ago. My point is that you should not feel like you are confessing to a sin when you come out, but are simply explaining to them a situation about which they are confused. If you or they feel that it is a sin that you have revealed, that is a separate problem to be dealt with.

[Danny-Darko]

1 hour ago, Charlie said:

Well, I actually did come out to my parents more than 60 years ago. My point is that you should not feel like you are confessing to a sin when you come out, but are simply explaining to them a situation about which they are confused. If you or they feel that it is a sin that you have revealed, that is a separate problem to be dealt with.

Then I must say you had VERY progressive and openminded parents! Glad for you then. Many of us were not that lucky. And there is a reason us older gay men suffered from guilt and some still do, and many have never gotten over it. I can attest to that from gay group therapy groups. What you say Charles is how it should be, and not necessarily how it is for may men and women who grew up same sex attracted decades and centuries ago.  

Edited May 26 by Danny-Darko

[+ Charlie]

10 hours ago, Danny-Darko said:

Then I must say you had VERY progressive and openminded parents! Glad for you then. Many of us were not that lucky. And there is a reason us older gay men suffered from guilt and some still do, and many have never gotten over it. I can attest to that from gay group therapy groups. What you say Charles is how it should be, and not necessarily how it is for may men and women who grew up same sex attracted decades and centuries ago.  

My parents were active Christian Republicans whose highest academic degree was a high school diploma. In retrospect, it does seem unusual they were able to fairly easily adapt to having a son and a son-in-law rather than a daughter-in-law. My father's family fit the same definition, yet in the early 20th century they also seemed able to accept Cousin Fred and his "special friend." I don't know what it was about their backgrounds that made them so rational about homosexuality, because to me they always seemed quite conservative on other subjects. I personally knew at least one family member in each generation who was homosexual.

Edited May 26 by Charlie

[+ sync]

It's a curious thing.  My maternal grandmother was a very "with it" and "now" individual while her daughter (my mom) was very conservative (aside from that she was perfect).

[+ purplekow]

31 minutes ago, sync said:

It's a curious thing.  My maternal grandmother was a very "with it" and "now" individual while her daughter (my mom) was very conservative (aside from that she was perfect).

So Mrs. Lincoln...other than that, how was the play?

[+ sync]

2 minutes ago, purplekow said:

So Mrs. Lincoln...other than that, how was the play?

The surprise ending put the theme over the top.

[Danny-Darko]

7 hours ago, Charlie said:

My parents were active Christian Republicans whose highest academic degree was a high school diploma. In retrospect, it does seem unusual they were able to fairly easily adapt to having a son and a son-in-law rather than a daughter-in-law. My father's family fit the same definition, yet in the early 20th century they also seemed able to accept Cousin Fred and his "special friend." I don't know what it was about their backgrounds that made them so rational about homosexuality, because to me they always seemed quite conservative on other subjects. I personally knew at least one family member in each generation who was homosexual.

Very commendable, and if I may say so very cosmopolitan and worldly of them way before the times. I've said it before, you've lived a marvelous and fascinating life Charles and had a family most of us could only dream of. 

[+ Charlie]

Perhaps the key to acceptance was the fact that there always seemed to be some integral family members who were gay. I mentioned that I knew others in my extended family. I knew my father's Cousin Fred and his "special friend" when I was young. I had my own Cousin Fred on my mother's side of the family: he was a very discreet high school principal, and his family knew that his marriage of convenience to a female teacher was strictly platonic for both of them, because he was really attracted to young men. His younger sister, my Cousin Phyllis, was not discreet: she and her lesbian partner were active in the gay rights movement. Fred's and Phyllis's only sibling who was straight was their younger brother. On my mother's side there was also my Cousin Pete, a retired Navy officer, who was happily married to his wife, and his only daughter is also happily married to her wife. To be strongly anti-gay, the family would have had to reject too many beloved members.

[+ Lucky]

I am glad to see that my thread took off despite my earlier apprehensions. Thanks to all who have contributed and will contribute. I don't know if this has been made clear, but I believe that you have to come out to yourself before you can come out to others. And by that I mean stop the denial, look yourself in the mirror, and say something like

I AM GAY AND THAT's JUST THE WAY I WANT IT.