In Memoriam To Charlus

[+ Gar1eth]

Long time members may remember him. He was never extremely active on here. Using the search function on this new website, the last post I could find from him was from 2007. Even with him gone I don't want to give too many personal details. But in case it might jog someone's memory, he was a retired English professor. He had an especial interest in Proust-hence his screen name  

I hadn't 'talked,' well emailed, with him for 4 or 5 years. I tried contacting him over the last several months-but couldn't find him. I  recently came across his obituary from January. 

He (along with one other now deceased member) was a friend and advisor when I really needed one. We actually managed to meet in person on three separate occasions. Even though it had been years since we were in contact, it still hurts that he's gone. 
 

If I can bring myself  to do it, I might be posting more in depth about these two friends I've lost.  It's definitely more difficult to grieve when you're grieving by yourself. In one case -the friend who passed years ago-he has family left-but -and we were only platonic friends-I'm not someone known to them. In Charlus' case -he was an only child, a bachelor with no significant other as far as I know-with the only family left being cousins. 

[Luv2play]

I remember Charlus now that you bring him up. I started on HooBoy back in 2002. And I vaguely remember his interest in Proust. Sorry you have lost his friendship and the other person you mention. 
 

Living a long life entails loss of friends and old lovers. It happens to all of us who enter the golden years. For my generation AIDS cut a huge swath through our ranks.
 

I have many photos of those I lost. To see their vibrant faces in my photo albums brings back many happy memories and I don’t let it get me down. 

[+ Gar1eth]

30 minutes ago, Luv2play said:

I remember Charlus now that you bring him up. I started on HooBoy back in 2002. And I vaguely remember his interest in Proust. Sorry you have lost his friendship and the other person you mention. 
 

Living a long life entails loss of friends and old lovers. It happens to all of us who enter the golden years. For my generation AIDS cut a huge swath through our ranks.
 

I have many photos of those I lost. To see their vibrant faces in my photo albums brings back many happy memories and I don’t let it get me down. 

Thank you for commenting. I'm glad you have  photos to remember your friends. I may have had a few of us  -not many-but I can't be sure at this late date. And if I did, I don't now because of a problem with an iPhone backup years ago. I think -I'll have to look -have one general picture of Charlus -may have gotten it off the web-or maybe he sent it to me. As for the other friend-there's a picture on the web-again of him alone, not us - due to his former job. So I can pull it up if the mood hits. 

[mike carey]

À la recherche du temps perdu seems particularly appropriate both for our own remembrances of friends lost and to remember @Charlus.

[+ Just Sayin]

@Gar1eth, I am sorry for the loss of your friend; the death of family members and friends is a part of the human experience; although the death of grandparents and parents is difficult, one death that was the hardest for me was the death a few years ago of a former college roommate who became a lifelong friend; maybe it was because we were contemporaries, but it just made me acknowledge what the passage of time brings to us. 

[+ Charlie]

A seeming cascade of deaths in recent months of people I was close to--including my spouse and one of my old college roommates--caused me to reflect on the past, and I realized that every human being with whom I have ever lived under the same roof during my life--family members, partners, friends, college roommates--is now gone. It gets harder and harder to move forward as I feel dragged back to the past. I must be growing old at last. (Hmmm, perhaps I should consider finding an attractive young man as a live-in companion🤔.)

[+ Lucky]

Someone would have to warn the young live-in companion on the fate of your previous roommates!

[+ Charlie]

1 hour ago, Lucky said:

Someone would have to warn the young live-in companion on the fate of your previous roommates!

I'll leave that up to you.

[Luv2play]

3 hours ago, Charlie said:

A seeming cascade of deaths in recent months of people I was close to--including my spouse and one of my old college roommates--caused me to reflect on the past, and I realized that every human being with whom I have ever lived under the same roof during my life--family members, partners, friends, college roommates--is now gone. It gets harder and harder to move forward as I feel dragged back to the past. I must be growing old at last. (Hmmm, perhaps I should consider finding an attractive young man as a live-in companion🤔.)

You should consider acting on your last sentence. Life is for the living. Don’t live in the past, although it’s fine to reflect on the past even on a daily basis. Just don’t fall into the past. That’s the way I am living my life and it works for me. 

[+ Just Sayin]

@Charlie, even if the young man is not a live-in, having someone like that (assuming the right temperament) in your life can be a huge benefit for you; I find realizing that there are others who are, more or less, facing challenges that we no longer experience puts a lot of things in perspective; you're alive--please make the most of it because time is a dwindling commodity! 

[MscleLovr]

My heart goes out to you @Charlie 

It is an unfortunate feature of our lives as we age. A lovely old woman (who was much more of a mother to me than my own Mother) once lamented that in her 90s, she had outlived all her old friends. 
 

And I’ve been enduring something similar in the last 18 months with the death of some friends of many years. I still have 2 friends from childhood and I have 3 ex-lovers who have been good friends for years. 
 

One particular case has hit me hard. A very old friend died and after 40 years of friendship, he relied on me for everything in his last 2 years. He left me his entire estate but I have unresolved grief as, only after his death, did cousins emerge to contest his will. The cousins were truly distant as my friend had no contact of any sort with them in the last 30-40 years. They have been vicious in waging a legal battle and it is emotionally exhausting to spend endless hours in lawyers’ offices going over the past - luckily I have the resources to pay for 2 law firms and an expert Counsel on estate law. It has really brought home to me the importance of not just making a will but ensuring that others cannot contest it (and cannot destroy evidence or steal property).

On 2/15/2025 at 6:41 PM, Charlie said:

perhaps I should consider finding an attractive young man as a live-in companion

It’s a great asset if you can find younger friends to help you. I have 3 such men in their 30s as friends. And I do have a young lover in his 30s who has been remarkably supportive, loving and helpful during a difficult time for me.

[+ purplekow]

I hope I am not speaking out of turn but Charlie will be joining Oliver and me for lunch on Thursday.  Any others who care to join just PM one of us for the details.  Nothing fancy.   

Edited February 19 by purplekow

[samhexum]

On 2/15/2025 at 3:57 PM, Charlie said:

I'll leave that up to you.

Didn't know you were a fan of Donny and Marie...

 

[coriolis888]

On 2/19/2025 at 12:04 AM, MscleLovr said:

 He left me his entire estate but I have unresolved grief as, only after his death, did cousins emerge to contest his will. The cousins were truly distant as my friend had no contact of any sort with them in the last 30-40 years. They have been vicious in waging a legal battle and it is emotionally exhausting to spend endless hours in lawyers’ offices going over the past - luckily I have the resources to pay for 2 law firms and an expert Counsel on estate law. It has really brought home to me the importance of not just making a will but ensuring that others cannot contest it (and cannot destroy evidence or steal property).

If your friend had a competent estate attorney draw up his will, you should not be going through that aggravation.  Assuming your friend had a valid Will and leaving everything to you, I am puzzled why you are paying a lawyer to defend your friend's Will.   Payments to defend the Will should be paid from the estate, not by you.  Are you sure you have the appropriate attorney?  Something does not compute unless your friend did not have a competent attorney draw up his Will.  Good luck with closing the estate according to your friend's final wishes.

[MscleLovr]

Thank you for your observations @coriolis888.

My friend’s Will was properly drawn up 40 years ago but not updated since. And I’m advised by 2 law firms (our very expensive family lawyers and a second specialist firm dealing with contested estates) and a Counsel who is an acknowledged expert in this area. 

Of course, the law advances along with societal changes. What is now advised by my family lawyers is a long, signed and witnessed statement (kept with but separate from my Will) detailing why various relatives and friends are NOT included in the Will. As a second ‘safety measure’, various close relations/friends and regularly-supported charities are given nominal bequests of $1000  and $5000 to demonstrate that they were considered but deemed worthy of a relatively small sum only. All this is now recommended to defeat speculative claims.

Without going too far off-topic, what has shocked me the most is how that old maxim “Possession is nine-tenths of the Law’ can be exploited ruthlessly by distant cousins (seizing assets, selling valuables, occupying property etc) when they had no lawful title. 

And to answer your last point: No, when rival claimants contest a Will, the estate assets may not be used in the first instance. (Perhaps it’s different in your jurisdiction? This involves assets held in the US and UK). It’s stressful but I can afford to pay all the bills. What I appreciated from the specialist firm and the expert Counsel is that both were pragmatic and said straightaway ’this is going to cost you $1million to defend, and if you lose $2million. Are you happy to spend that much?’

It has brought home to me how important it is that all gay couples should get married or have a legal partnership. It may be the only way to protect each other in the event of one partner’s death. 

 

[+ Charlie]

10 hours ago, MscleLovr said:

Thank you for your observations @coriolis888.

My friend’s Will was properly drawn up 40 years ago but not updated since. And I’m advised by 2 law firms (our very expensive family lawyers and a second specialist firm dealing with contested estates) and a Counsel who is an acknowledged expert in this area. 

Of course, the law advances along with societal changes. What is now advised by my family lawyers is a long, signed and witnessed statement (kept with but separate from my Will) detailing why various relatives and friends are NOT included in the Will. As a second ‘safety measure’, various close relations/friends and regularly-supported charities are given nominal bequests of $1000  and $5000 to demonstrate that they were considered but deemed worthy of a relatively small sum only. All this is now recommended to defeat speculative claims.

Without going too far off-topic, what has shocked me the most is how that old maxim “Possession is nine-tenths of the Law’ can be exploited ruthlessly by distant cousins (seizing assets, selling valuables, occupying property etc) when they had no lawful title. 

And to answer your last point: No, when rival claimants contest a Will, the estate assets may not be used in the first instance. (Perhaps it’s different in your jurisdiction? This involves assets held in the US and UK). It’s stressful but I can afford to pay all the bills. What I appreciated from the specialist firm and the expert Counsel is that both were pragmatic and said straightaway ’this is going to cost you $1million to defend, and if you lose $2million. Are you happy to spend that much?’

It has brought home to me how important it is that all gay couples should get married or have a legal partnership. It may be the only way to protect each other in the event of one partner’s death. 

 

Having just finished making a new will, I would like to emphasize one of the above recommendations that at first surprised me, because I had never seen it when preparing previous wills: my lawyer asked if there were specific persons who should be mentioned in the will as those who were NOT to be included as beneficiaries. Luckily, I had no family members who I thought might have any standing to contest the will, but I'm sure that other gay men might have such relations, especially if everything were left to someone who was not legally related to the deceased.

[coriolis888]

What a shame that you are going through that travesty.

Of course, the law depends on which State the decedent lived, as each State has different, but sometimes similar, estate laws.  

The distant relatives you mentioned who had little to no contact with the decedent for decades and who were not mentioned in the will, would not get any money had the estate been in California, where I am.  

Good luck on a favorable settlement of the estate.  

[coriolis888]

On 2/15/2025 at 10:41 AM, Charlie said:

(Hmmm, perhaps I should consider finding an attractive young man as a live-in companion🤔.)

Where are attractive young men, ones that you would want and trust as a live-in companion?  

[+ Charlie]

41 minutes ago, coriolis888 said:

Where are attractive young men, ones that you would want and trust as a live-in companion?  

If I knew that, I would be on my way to interview them.

[robberbaron4u]

On 2/13/2025 at 8:03 PM, Gar1eth said:

Long time members may remember him. He was never extremely active on here. Using the search function on this new website, the last post I could find from him was from 2007. Even with him gone I don't want to give too many personal details. But in case it might jog someone's memory, he was a retired English professor. He had an especial interest in Proust-hence his screen name  

I hadn't 'talked,' well emailed, with him for 4 or 5 years. I tried contacting him over the last several months-but couldn't find him. I  recently came across his obituary from January. 

He (along with one other now deceased member) was a friend and advisor when I really needed one. We actually managed to meet in person on three separate occasions. Even though it had been years since we were in contact, it still hurts that he's gone. 
 

If I can bring myself  to do it, I might be posting more in depth about these two friends I've lost.  It's definitely more difficult to grieve when you're grieving by yourself. In one case -the friend who passed years ago-he has family left-but -and we were only platonic friends-I'm not someone known to them. In Charlus' case -he was an only child, a bachelor with no significant other as far as I know-with the only family left being cousins. 

As he once made remark to me on the loss of an affectionate friend, "Grieve not for a soul set free".

[+ tassojunior]

More reason for me to grab the MetLife $22/mo legal package that does wills and even trusts. 

[+ Pensant]

I’ve had a trust for years and review it every two years. Only immediate family members benefit.