Extortion advice?

[Rgsnva]

If this isn't the appropriate forum, please feel free to move my question elsewhere.  I've seen discussions on this but more about avoiding it, but it's happening and I need to do something.  I posted about the provider the other day - the gist is I hired him a few times, wasn't a great experience, so I left him alone but he kept texting/messaging me.  I finally told him I couldn't pay anymore because of financial issues.  At which point he said he had a good time, so "let's do it anyway."  Well, the day after that meeting he sent me a payment request via Venmo.  When I reminded him, he said he didn't remember me telling him that, and that he was probably drunk.  (I have our entire communication history on my phone, it's all there clear as day, but he's not interested.) But anyway, he's demanding payment and it's getting more threatening by the day.  I blocked his number but he seems to be using every phone he can get a hand on to message me.  He's threatened to go to my workplace.  He has sent me screenshots of colleagues contact into that he's found online.  He, or someone with him, has posted NextDoor postings that look like nothing to someone else, but are clearly veiled threats of physical violence, showing up at my house, etc.  

I'm at a point, I think, where I have to go to police.  Has anybody ever done that?  Is it a terrible idea?  Would I be throwing myself to the wolves along with him?

I did, believe it or not, get RM to take his profile off.  I told them my workplace where he keeps saying he's coming is a school.  Bring it on dumbass - he'll find himself surrounded by 3 resource officers with weapons drawn.  I said to RM that then there'll be news reports - you want to see his profile from your site on the evening news?  Then they'll shut you down and you'll cost all these good people their jobs. An hour later, I got a very nice letter apologizing for leaving it up and telling me it's been removed.

But I digress...I still need some good, practical advice here.  I'll probably head to a police station after work this afternoon to make a report - unless y'all think that's a terrible idea.  Thoughts? Next steps? Is the cops a bad idea? I'd of course prefer not to go to jail myself.  Thanks, all.

[Pd1_jap]

Just get all his info from the web or hire a private eye to follow him. Get all the dirt and then send it to to your favorite media outlets and police anonymously.

Most importantly, cut off all communication. Keep the documentation but block him on everything. Also go dark on social media. He's prob getting all this info from there. You may also want to hire private security. He won't be so cocky when two 7 foot tall ex cons bury his face into the pavement. 

Ultimately, and this is the saddest part, is you let your guard down. Your bullshit detectors weren't working properly. Probably because you were horny. 🚀🤯

I had a guy once try and extort me after he scammed me. I called a lawyer and he said he had as much to lose as you do. So he's not going to the police. It's extortion at this point. 

Finally, if you do go to the police make sure you bring a lawyer. Better yet get a lawyer now. 

Edited October 11, 2023 by Pd1_jap
Typo

[Becket]

Would it just be cheaper to go ahead and pay him? Or would that encourage him to keep coming after you? I guess if he's made such a commotion so far he is a real psycho who won't stop. Know you're sick about all this. I'm so sorry. Had a similar experience with a fellow many years ago. It was more emotional blackmail but of course it did involve money. He finally just went away. It's a terrible feeling to be so taken advantage of. Getting a lawyer, or at least talking with a trusted friend who knows the law is a good idea. It's nice to know one is not alone in these situations. You are not.

[Jayson03]

I am sorry that you have to go through all of this. It is upsetting when people take such direct and personal action. The anxiety caused by these events can be horrible. I hope you have a trusted friend that you can share with who help you handle the emotional side of this experience. If it goes beyond that maybe consider a therapist or counselor.

[Bokomaru]

Taking the easiest course of action is not always the right thing to do. But in this case it seems like a no-brainer. Pay him off. Not because he is right but because you deserve to have peace in your life. It’s not a guarantee that it will make it go away but there’s a pretty good chance it will work. 
 

I give you this advice as someone who recently had 6k stolen from me. My lawyer assures me I could get that money back, plus attorney fees as well. All it will cost me is my emotional heath and a couple of years of my life. I’m walking away. 
 

Take the easy route, not the I’m-right-and-he’s-victimizing-me route. 

[ICTJOCK]

4 hours ago, Rgsnva said:

 

But I digress...I still need some good, practical advice here.  I'll probably head to a police station after work this afternoon to make a report - unless y'all think that's a terrible idea.  Thoughts? Next steps? Is the cops a bad idea? I'd of course prefer not to go to jail myself.  Thanks, all.

Well let me say,  I don't do well with negative drama and certainly someone who is threatening me.    I would probably be the first to let the dude know that I'm not subject to extortion or threats for money.     But I'm not you or don't know your situation.

I do think this kind of experience  should be discussed.   There are always two sides to a disagreement,  but providing facts,   like a written conversation)  is helpful in proving your point.    I'd certainly go to the police before I'd ever "cave"  to any sort of blackmail.    I just think it is unfortunate that these kinds of experiences happen.

[CuriousByNature]

It sounds like he's trying to create a scary situation for you because it's easier to get what he wants amidst the darkness of fear.  So maybe flip the lights on him.  Dispel that darkness by letting him know that if he continues this ridiculous course of behaviour you will have no hesitancy contacting the appropriate authorities, and that your patience is now running thin.  Your time with him was based on the reasonable understanding that no donation for his time was being expected or requested.  It was a hookup that went badly - those things happen.  It should not rob you of your power or turn you into a target.  Assure him that he has more to lose since blackmail is a felony in most places, and can result in serious jail time if he decides to continue with these absurd antics.

[CuriousByNature]

5 hours ago, Pd1_jap said:

You may also want to hire private security. He won't be so cocky when two 7" tall ex cons bury his face into the pavement. 

 

I think he might need more that two guards if they're only 7-inches tall.  Or did you mean long? 

 

[+ BOZO T CLOWN]

6 hours ago, Rgsnva said:

"...the gist is I hired him a few times, wasn't a great experience, so I left him alone but he kept texting/messaging me...."

Something is amiss.

You hired him a few times and wasn't a great experience?
So after your first not-great experience why did you have a second?  After your second not-great experience why did you have a third? So on and so forth.
How many is a few? Five? Ten?

Do you live in an area where this guy is your only option?
There has to be more here that you aren't telling us. This story just doesn't pass the smell test.

BoZo

 

 

[Peter Eater]

22 minutes ago, BOZO T CLOWN said:

Something is amiss.

You hired him a few times and wasn't a great experience?
So after your first not-great experience why did you have a second?  After your second not-great experience why did you have a third? So on and so forth.
How many is a few? Five? Ten?

Do you live in an area where this guy is your only option?
There has to be more here that you aren't telling us. This story just doesn't pass the smell test.

BoZo

 

 

This comment is totally uncalled for. Either you are saying rgsnva is a liar or you are blaming the victim. Neither is acceptable.

[+ DERRIK]

visit  police

Edited October 11, 2023 by DERRIK

[PiSquared]

I was the victim of blackmail on Sniffies. Guy reached out, we shared conversation which was pleasant. He asked for my cell which I foolishly provided. Next day he texted about a meet up, sending me racy pics, and asking me to do the same, asking me my experience, my marital status. I was a complete fool and shared all that. You know what happened next: text with all my texts and photos, threats to contact my wife, website info on those close to me, demand for money. I freaked. Paid him in Amex gift card, bitcoin, etc until nothing seemed like it would make it stop. With the help and encouragement of another gentleman on here, I cut all ties, pulled all social media and waited it out. It’s been 7 months and no contact. It was the worst time in my life, bar none. I was humiliated, bullied, and in fear. I’m totally freaked now by the pickup sites. Lesson: never share your cell number, real name, or any personal info about yourself until you can totally trust the person you’re talking to. 

[maninsoma]

21 minutes ago, PiSquared said:

I was the victim of blackmail on Sniffies. Guy reached out, we shared conversation which was pleasant. He asked for my cell which I foolishly provided. Next day he texted about a meet up, sending me racy pics, and asking me to do the same, asking me my experience, my marital status. I was a complete fool and shared all that. You know what happened next: text with all my texts and photos, threats to contact my wife, website info on those close to me, demand for money. I freaked. Paid him in Amex gift card, bitcoin, etc until nothing seemed like it would make it stop. With the help and encouragement of another gentleman on here, I cut all ties, pulled all social media and waited it out. It’s been 7 months and no contact. It was the worst time in my life, bar none. I was humiliated, bullied, and in fear. I’m totally freaked now by the pickup sites. Lesson: never share your cell number, real name, or any personal info about yourself until you can totally trust the person you’re talking to. 

Or don't do those things if you are operating on the DL.  I wouldn't care if someone threatened to show photos of me to my friends because the only photos someone would receive from me are the ones I would put up on a site like Adam4Adam.  Typically I don't have full frontal shots that show my face, but obviously someone could attempt to put the face photo and naked torso together to "prove" it's me.  That never really mattered to me, though, since no one would be surprised that I'm gay and that I look for sex with men online. 

No one deserves to be blackmailed (obviously).  I'm on the side of those saying that it makes more sense to call the blackmailer's bluff by indicating you will contact law enforcement if they continue to harass you after you block their initial number.  Never give into a blackmailer's threats by giving them money.  Why would anyone assume that someone who is willing to do that is a man of his word who will stop the blackmailing after they get the money they want?  All paying their demand accomplishes is identifying you as someone who is so worried about their threats that you are willing to send them money.

[Guest]

For starters, I'm sorry this happened to you 😕 I feel like your post leaves more questions than immediate and obvious answers.  

Almost too many things here to respond to.... If it wasn't a very good experience, why the repeats? How did a rando know your workplace? And names of colleagues? It seems a bit weird to me... If these postings would look like "nothing to someone else", they obviously won't help convincing anyone. 

And then going to RM??? So the way you think you will get him off your  trail is to cut off this guy's means of advertising to anyone else??? Make it harder for him to see other people and he will let you alone???

I am not sure that you have anything yet to go to the police for since the so called violence threats look like "nothing to anyone else." You could have a stalking claim.

I wonder if I were in that position if I wouldn't keep blocking him. At least for a bit more. Although your going to RM may have lit a candle under the hustler that will be hard to put out now. 

I hate to read stuff like this but I'm glad there's a platform to discuss these types of encounters, hopefully lessons for us all on both sides of the fence. 

[SirBillybob]

Not to mention that the guy evidently reads posts here and can conclude unequivocally the source of his ad status change. 

[+ DrownedBoy]

DISCLAIMER - As advised above, contact a lawyer (if you can afford it) before dealing with the police. What I say below is from personal experience, but based largely on my location (Chicago) and some less savory knowledge I picked up over the years. However, I have successfully used this in other states.

If you're in the closet, and want to remain that way, I feel very sorry for you, and wish you'd get more comfortable with yourself. In this case, I would offer the guy a token amount (like $50) and tell him to take it or leave it, else you'll go to the cops. I wouldn't recommend the full amount, or he'll want more.

If you have to go to the police and can't afford a lawyer, I've personally found the following strategies work:

1. Tell the cops you were using a "gay dating app." That's technically true, and most will immediately assume it's Grindr.
2. Tell the truth for the specific encounter - he came over for casual sex, and now he's trying to shake you up for money. Don't lie, just give the basic facts.
3. Most cops, when they see two gay men in a situation like this, want nothing better than to label it as a "domestic" and get the hell away. They don't want to get involved with gay relationships (many of them are blue-collar conservative). If you mention (again, truthfully, don't lie) that you and him met for casual sex in the past, leaving out the payment part, they will likely automatically label it as a domestic disturbance, and simply warn the other guy off. If you have to admit transactional sex, call it a "sugar daddy" situation.
4. The cops are not likely to even listen to the other guy, especially if you show them selectively chosen (but real) threats he made. If you're an employed, respectable professional (and so far it sounds like you are), the cops will make a snap judgment call and ignore the other guy and any "evidence" he would try to give them. Unless they're doing a sting, police aren't going to dig through a long list of texts over a domestic disturbance based on a few casual sex encounters, and definitely not from someone they perceive as unhinged or less-than-respectable. Like it or not, the best way to deal with police is to create believability as quickly as possible, and there are many techniques to do so. Try learning some of them.

Whatever happens, make sure you give a good donation at the next police fundraiser.

The times this happened to me, I just told the would-be-blackmailed to "f**k off" unless he wanted to get the law involved. As others said, you'd get a fine, and he'd go to prison.

Also, don't be above taking a defensive position yourself. I have several photos on my phone from my practice range, and showing it to other people generally keeps them from screwing with me.

 

[Jarrod_Uncut]

 

I have to agree with @BOZO T CLOWNand @Vin_Marco. Even though the situation is upsetting for sure, it just doesn’t seem right. But I can’t say necessarily one way or another.

Not sure why the provider would wait until the next day, and just not when he was there to ask for the phantom payment. Why would he leave, and then…

Wait, who went to whose place on this meeting in the first place?

And I agree with @DrownedBoy, it’s no reason to drag RentMen under the bus 🚌, and jeopardize every provider’s earning or give RentMen MORE reasons to lock us down MORE than they’ve already done (no nudes, no rates, no mention of even the word escort being allowed, etc.) They have no responsibility any more than Grindr, Adam, or your local gay bar or bath house has…for something happening to you, OUTSIDE of the venue at hand. It happens. And they won’t have any grounds to be shutdown, because it’s an advertising platform with no rates. 
 

I agree you should probably just settle and pay him a portion and see if that helps. You could always flip the script and say you’re going to look him up too, but: fire and fire equals: 💣 🌋 

However, I just don’t 100% see it. I mean to go from “you can’t afford it” to him saying “let’s do it anyway” just sounds too messy and confusing. Like wtf. Even if he said let’s do it anyway, I still woulda said: “I don’t want to cheat you BUT, let’s be clear this is a free service right? And reiterate that before and during meeting, and again after if you have to. 
 

But yeah…sounds crazy. I hate hearing stuff like this because then some clients run with stories like this, and call ANY escort who asks for payment for a cancelled or session that went longer than planned/parts of a session wasn’t expected a scammer/blackmailer/etc. Hell…I even think many gay dudes think we’re scammers just for the mere fact of trying to sell our services in the first place. It’s just sad. There doesn’t need to be all this animosity in the biz if people were just transparent from the get go. 

[KennF]

So, I'll speak in the minority (maybe).

You are giving your power away.  You are turning yourself into a victim and you should take a breath for a moment.  Regardless of the fact that we don't have all the details, that's not important.  We aren't involved and can only respond to the details you've shared.  We are neither judge nor jury.  My opinion is only based on your current information.

You need to accept that you are giving him your power.  Sorry.  And I know it is scary.  It is probably because you are 'embarrassed', 'ashamed', 'afraid', <fill-in-the-blank> of him revealing or outing you.  This is really about him stalking you and taking advantage of your giving him your voice and power.  That doesn't mean ignore it and hope it goes away.  You do need to take your power back.

Three possible suggestions:

Suggestion 1: Tell him you owe him nothing and that if he continues to harass you, you will go to authorities.  You consider his behavior bullying, abusive, and harassment, and unacceptable.  You are ceasing all communication and further attempts by him will result in you going to the police.

Suggestion 2: Stop ALL communication.  If he calls, hang-up without saying anything.  If he texts, block the texts.  However he communicates, do NOT respond.  You're reaction is a lever for him to control you.  If you don't get riled, then he has no control.

Suggestion 3: Go ahead and report it to the authorities.  Talk to an attorney and listen to their advice.  You do not have to lie about it.  You don't have to obfuscate.  If need be, tell them the truth.  The issue here is about escalating behavior and stalking. 

Just my tuppence.

Just for the record, I am not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV.

[Rgsnva]

8 hours ago, BOZO T CLOWN said:

Something is amiss.

You hired him a few times and wasn't a great experience?
So after your first not-great experience why did you have a second?  After your second not-great experience why did you have a third? So on and so forth.
How many is a few? Five? Ten?

Do you live in an area where this guy is your only option?
There has to be more here that you aren't telling us. This story just doesn't pass the smell test.

BoZo

 

 

No, that’s the whole thing.  The first time didn’t rock my world, but not awful either.  After the second I wouldn’t have hired again. And didn’t.  I was clear about not paying, he said no worries.  Why did I see him after that?  It was a different thing, I guess.  We even had a pretty long conversation about how it would be different if I wasn’t a client.  I guess I can’t answer it any better than to say I thought I’d give it a whirl.  But it’s a valid question. 

[Rgsnva]

Thanks, all, for your thoughts and advice.  I’m resolute that I’m not giving him any money.  That’s a non-starter.  You’re all right he has more to lose than I do.  If he goes to my work. I won’t get fired or anything like that.  It might be embarrassing, but I’m retiring in June, so who cares.  But he will be in a boatload of trouble if he does.  He won’t go to cops - his crime is a lot more than mine.  

[Rgsnva]

6 hours ago, PiSquared said:

I was the victim of blackmail on Sniffies. Guy reached out, we shared conversation which was pleasant. He asked for my cell which I foolishly provided. Next day he texted about a meet up, sending me racy pics, and asking me to do the same, asking me my experience, my marital status. I was a complete fool and shared all that. You know what happened next: text with all my texts and photos, threats to contact my wife, website info on those close to me, demand for money. I freaked. Paid him in Amex gift card, bitcoin, etc until nothing seemed like it would make it stop. With the help and encouragement of another gentleman on here, I cut all ties, pulled all social media and waited it out. It’s been 7 months and no contact. It was the worst time in my life, bar none. I was humiliated, bullied, and in fear. I’m totally freaked now by the pickup sites. Lesson: never share your cell number, real name, or any personal info about yourself until you can totally trust the person you’re talking to. 

I’m sorry it happened to you too.  Full disclosure, I’m not on the DL in any way, so I’m not facing a complete breakdown of my life.  I can see, though, how terrified I’d be if I were.  There’s a sense of helplessness.  But it’s somewhat lessened by all the responses here. 

[Rgsnva]

6 hours ago, Vin_Marco said:

For starters, I'm sorry this happened to you 😕 I feel like your post leaves more questions than immediate and obvious answers.  

Almost too many things here to respond to.... If it wasn't a very good experience, why the repeats? How did a rando know your workplace? And names of colleagues? It seems a bit weird to me... If these postings would look like "nothing to someone else", they obviously won't help convincing anyone. 

And then going to RM??? So the way you think you will get him off your  trail is to cut off this guy's means of advertising to anyone else??? Make it harder for him to see other people and he will let you alone???

I am not sure that you have anything yet to go to the police for since the so called violence threats look like "nothing to anyone else." You could have a stalking claim.

I wonder if I were in that position if I wouldn't keep blocking him. At least for a bit more. Although your going to RM may have lit a candle under the hustler that will be hard to put out now. 

I hate to read stuff like this but I'm glad there's a platform to discuss these types of encounters, hopefully lessons for us all on both sides of the fence. 

Oh no, maybe that wasn’t clear. He’s put some things on social media that someone not knowing wouldn’t recognize, but once you know some info they’re clearly threatening.  And his texts to me are far more direct.  I’ve got the evidence and plenty of it.  As for the info, I work in a school.  Schools put info about their faculty online.  If you Google my name, that’s the first thing that comes up. From there it would only take a click or two to find out who else works there.   I’m lucky about where I work (my parents and kids say Happy Pride to me in June even).  If I worked in a different place I could be in some deep shit.  My last name is on my Venmo account (I should change that), and from there I’m sure it was easy to find.  

[Rgsnva]

Just now, Rgsnva said:

Oh no, maybe that wasn’t clear. He’s put some things on social media that someone not knowing wouldn’t recognize, but once you know some info they’re clearly threatening.  And his texts to me are far more direct.  I’ve got the evidence and plenty of it.  As for the info, I work in a school.  Schools put info about their faculty online.  If you Google my name, that’s the first thing that comes up. From there it would only take a click or two to find out who else works there.   I’m lucky about where I work (my parents and kids say Happy Pride to me in June even).  If I worked in a different place I could be in some deep shit.  My last name is on my Venmo account (I should change that), and from there I’m sure it was easy to find.  

As for going to RM, I’m tired of reading about how RM does nothing about anything. If I’m going down over this, at least nobody else will be next.  I may have done a ton of things wrong here, but that was a moral imperative.  

[Rgsnva]

4 hours ago, Jarrod_Uncut said:

 

I have to agree with @BOZO T CLOWNand @Vin_Marco. Even though the situation is upsetting for sure, it just doesn’t seem right. But I can’t say necessarily one way or another.

Not sure why the provider would wait until the next day, and just not when he was there to ask for the phantom payment. Why would he leave, and then…

Wait, who went to whose place on this meeting in the first place?

And I agree with @DrownedBoy, it’s no reason to drag RentMen under the bus 🚌, and jeopardize every provider’s earning or give RentMen MORE reasons to lock us down MORE than they’ve already done (no nudes, no rates, no mention of even the word escort being allowed, etc.) They have no responsibility any more than Grindr, Adam, or your local gay bar or bath house has…for something happening to you, OUTSIDE of the venue at hand. It happens. And they won’t have any grounds to be shutdown, because it’s an advertising platform with no rates. 
 

I agree you should probably just settle and pay him a portion and see if that helps. You could always flip the script and say you’re going to look him up too, but: fire and fire equals: 💣 🌋 

However, I just don’t 100% see it. I mean to go from “you can’t afford it” to him saying “let’s do it anyway” just sounds too messy and confusing. Like wtf. Even if he said let’s do it anyway, I still woulda said: “I don’t want to cheat you BUT, let’s be clear this is a free service right? And reiterate that before and during meeting, and again after if you have to. 
 

But yeah…sounds crazy. I hate hearing stuff like this because then some clients run with stories like this, and call ANY escort who asks for payment for a cancelled or session that went longer than planned/parts of a session wasn’t expected a scammer/blackmailer/etc. Hell…I even think many gay dudes think we’re scammers just for the mere fact of trying to sell our services in the first place. It’s just sad. There doesn’t need to be all this animosity in the biz if people were just transparent from the get go. 

I think the only thing I’ll disagree with is about RM.  They do have some responsibility to both providers and clients to have some eye towards safety.  If someone can provide proof of something like this, which I can, it should be a no brainer for them to remove an individual, with a format for disputing if you get removed unjustly.  Other platforms do.  This is a thing that shouldn’t have to operate under the table anyway (meaning it should be legal) so I think we should hold them to the same standard.  
 

Re: the not paying and meeting him anyway…it was a stupid move, I get it.  But I’m not sure I see the reluctance to believe it.  No, he wasn’t something I’d pay for…but he said okay and  I…well… you’re horny and somebody's right there giving it away…it wasn’t reason and intellect calling the shots right then.  

[Rgsnva]

6 hours ago, SirBillybob said:

Not to mention that the guy evidently reads posts here and can conclude unequivocally the source of his ad status change. 

I suppose I was having a “bring it on, asshole” moment.