Balancing the risk and rewards of sex

[MaybeMaybeNot]

I've been struggling with this, and I thought I'd reach out to you all for perspective and insight.

 

I didn't start having sex of any kind until I was 32. I didn't come out to myself until I was 40. Although I have had my share of sex, I've never had a really regular schedule of sex. I have an older partner whom I adore but takes meds that have killed his sex drive. We were never really compatible anyway (both are sides, he doesn't like to suck).

I am not on prep (not really into anal very much, worried about the side effects of the drug). I am pretty conservative sexually. I like kissing, touching, and getting sucked. In the past couple years, it's been harder to vet out possible partners. Last year, I met up with a guy after a dry spell, and he wanted me to 69. He was nice, good-looking, and I obliged. I never got his cum in my mouth, but I caught oral gonorrhea. I got really sick, not realizing I caught it, and had pain in my knees until I went in for routine testing.  After I was all clear for that, I thought I learned my lesson. I went to a bar in the area where they have a "play" space. I ended up making out with two guys. I had a few other vanilla partners, and I got oral gonorrhea again just from kissing. (As the health provider said, "You have to kiss pretty deep," to which my response would be, "That's when it's fun.") I am pretty sure I got it from a guy who later talked about blowing a guy on a cruise ship a couple weeks before.

I am now very nervous about sex of any kind (I also got an STD about 7 years ago from a guy I should have followed my instinct in . . . his house was disgusting). My partner is understanding, but it's very embarrassing to go to a straight urgent care doctor and explain what happened, and it's embarrassing to tell my partner (who has anxiety around health issues).

How do you guys, who hire and have much more active sex lives, mitigate the health risks of your hobby and sex in general when consistent sex partners is almost impossible. I am meeting up with a guy who I met in the bar above tomorrow night for some naked cuddling, and after seeing a few guys suck on his cock in the bar, I'm not comfortable going too far when I really want to. Any insight would be appreciated.

[+ FrankR]

6 minutes ago, MaybeMaybeNot said:

I've been struggling with this, and I thought I'd reach out to you all for perspective and insight.

 

I didn't start having sex of any kind until I was 32. I didn't come out to myself until I was 40. Although I have had my share of sex, I've never had a really regular schedule of sex. I have an older partner whom I adore but takes meds that have killed his sex drive. We were never really compatible anyway (both are sides, he doesn't like to suck).

I am not on prep (not really into anal very much, worried about the side effects of the drug). I am pretty conservative sexually. I like kissing, touching, and getting sucked. In the past couple years, it's been harder to vet out possible partners. Last year, I met up with a guy after a dry spell, and he wanted me to 69. He was nice, good-looking, and I obliged. I never got his cum in my mouth, but I caught oral gonorrhea. I got really sick, not realizing I caught it, and had pain in my knees until I went in for routine testing.  After I was all clear for that, I thought I learned my lesson. I went to a bar in the area where they have a "play" space. I ended up making out with two guys. I had a few other vanilla partners, and I got oral gonorrhea again just from kissing. (As the health provider said, "You have to kiss pretty deep," to which my response would be, "That's when it's fun.") I am pretty sure I got it from a guy who later talked about blowing a guy on a cruise ship a couple weeks before.

I am now very nervous about sex of any kind (I also got an STD about 7 years ago from a guy I should have followed my instinct in . . . his house was disgusting). My partner is understanding, but it's very embarrassing to go to a straight urgent care doctor and explain what happened, and it's embarrassing to tell my partner (who has anxiety around health issues).

How do you guys, who hire and have much more active sex lives, mitigate the health risks of your hobby and sex in general when consistent sex partners is almost impossible. I am meeting up with a guy who I met in the bar above tomorrow night for some naked cuddling, and after seeing a few guys suck on his cock in the bar, I'm not comfortable going too far when I really want to. Any insight would be appreciated.

Life is risk. And you balance the risk which ever way works for you. Speaking for myself, I enjoy a good massage that get erotic at the end. I get off and dont have to kiss or do anything I dont choose to do.  You need to find your own comfort level and decide what you can do to mitigate the risk involved. 

[SirBillybob]

18 minutes ago, MaybeMaybeNot said:

I've been struggling with this, and I thought I'd reach out to you all for perspective and insight.

 

I didn't start having sex of any kind until I was 32. I didn't come out to myself until I was 40. Although I have had my share of sex, I've never had a really regular schedule of sex. I have an older partner whom I adore but takes meds that have killed his sex drive. We were never really compatible anyway (both are sides, he doesn't like to suck).

I am not on prep (not really into anal very much, worried about the side effects of the drug). I am pretty conservative sexually. I like kissing, touching, and getting sucked. In the past couple years, it's been harder to vet out possible partners. Last year, I met up with a guy after a dry spell, and he wanted me to 69. He was nice, good-looking, and I obliged. I never got his cum in my mouth, but I caught oral gonorrhea. I got really sick, not realizing I caught it, and had pain in my knees until I went in for routine testing.  After I was all clear for that, I thought I learned my lesson. I went to a bar in the area where they have a "play" space. I ended up making out with two guys. I had a few other vanilla partners, and I got oral gonorrhea again just from kissing. (As the health provider said, "You have to kiss pretty deep," to which my response would be, "That's when it's fun.") I am pretty sure I got it from a guy who later talked about blowing a guy on a cruise ship a couple weeks before.

I am now very nervous about sex of any kind (I also got an STD about 7 years ago from a guy I should have followed my instinct in . . . his house was disgusting). My partner is understanding, but it's very embarrassing to go to a straight urgent care doctor and explain what happened, and it's embarrassing to tell my partner (who has anxiety around health issues).

How do you guys, who hire and have much more active sex lives, mitigate the health risks of your hobby and sex in general when consistent sex partners is almost impossible. I am meeting up with a guy who I met in the bar above tomorrow night for some naked cuddling, and after seeing a few guys suck on his cock in the bar, I'm not comfortable going too far when I really want to. Any insight would be appreciated.

I think we mitigate risk in the same way that you yourself would apply utilizing the means you already know. In fact, your post alone would be instructive for MSMers hypothetically in a STI informational vacuum. 

[Guest]

Interestingly, it wasn't until 2018 that the first study (Australian) appeared to document transmission through kissing alone, not involving sexual fluids (cum or precum). You were especially unlucky to get systemic gonorrhea (gonococcal arthritis). I guess that's a worst-case scenario. You were fortunate to have a physician astute enough to figure it out, hopefully because you were forthcoming with your sexual history. Another worst-case scenario from oral sex is HPV with possible throat cancer, so a good idea to get vaccinated if you're eligible. I definitely enjoy oral sex and deep kissing and don't worry too much about it. If you don't enjoy anal sex, the risk/benefit ratio goes against taking PrEP. Systemic GC is rare--about 0.5 to 3% of all infections. I guess if you want to be extra-cautious, have yourself tested a week after you've had sex in a non-monogamous setting. The best thing you can do is make sure all of the vaccines appropriate for sexually active gay men (including meningococcus, Hep A & B) are up-to-date, and that you're aware of possible infections.

Kissing may be an important and neglected risk factor for oropharyngeal gonorrhoea: a cross-sectional study in men who have sex with men

STI.BMJ.COM

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Objectives A mathematical model suggested that a significant proportion of oropharyngeal gonorrhoea cases are acquired via oropharynx-to-oropharynx transmission...

/index.html//app/assets/utd-icon.png UpToDate

WWW.UPTODATE.COM

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"Disseminated gonococcal infection (DGI) is estimated to occur in 0.5 to 3 percent of patients infected with N. gonorrhoeae ..."

Edited June 9, 2023 by Unicorn

[+ purplekow]

You seem to have an increased risk for GC and disseminated GC in particular.  There are several risk factors which may cause such a predisposition, immunocompromise for example,  IT may also be more common after removal of the spleen.  It may be worth investigating other risk factors rather than just bad luck and bad selection of partners.  

[MaybeMaybeNot]

8 minutes ago, purplekow said:

You seem to have an increased risk for GC and disseminated GC in particular.  There are several risk factors which may cause such a predisposition, immunocompromise for example,  IT may also be more common after removal of the spleen.  It may be worth investigating other risk factors rather than just bad luck and bad selection of partners.  

Thank you, everyone, for responding, and thank you, @purplekow. I was hoping you'd find this and offer some insights.  I will check into that. Autoimmune disorders do run in my family, so perhaps there's something there. I will see what else I can find. That is helpful, and I really appreciate it!

Edited June 9, 2023 by MaybeMaybeNot

[dbar123]

It’s also possible that your original course of antibiotics was not strong enough to totally kill off the gonorrhea…and that it would have come back even if you hadn’t engaged in sexual activity….

[marylander1940]

On 6/8/2023 at 10:19 AM, MaybeMaybeNot said:

I've been struggling with this, and I thought I'd reach out to you all for perspective and insight.

 

I didn't start having sex of any kind until I was 32. I didn't come out to myself until I was 40. Although I have had my share of sex, I've never had a really regular schedule of sex. I have an older partner whom I adore but takes meds that have killed his sex drive. We were never really compatible anyway (both are sides, he doesn't like to suck).

I am not on prep (not really into anal very much, worried about the side effects of the drug). I am pretty conservative sexually. I like kissing, touching, and getting sucked. In the past couple years, it's been harder to vet out possible partners. Last year, I met up with a guy after a dry spell, and he wanted me to 69. He was nice, good-looking, and I obliged. I never got his cum in my mouth, but I caught oral gonorrhea. I got really sick, not realizing I caught it, and had pain in my knees until I went in for routine testing.  After I was all clear for that, I thought I learned my lesson. I went to a bar in the area where they have a "play" space. I ended up making out with two guys. I had a few other vanilla partners, and I got oral gonorrhea again just from kissing. (As the health provider said, "You have to kiss pretty deep," to which my response would be, "That's when it's fun.") I am pretty sure I got it from a guy who later talked about blowing a guy on a cruise ship a couple weeks before.

I am now very nervous about sex of any kind (I also got an STD about 7 years ago from a guy I should have followed my instinct in . . . his house was disgusting). My partner is understanding, but it's very embarrassing to go to a straight urgent care doctor and explain what happened, and it's embarrassing to tell my partner (who has anxiety around health issues).

How do you guys, who hire and have much more active sex lives, mitigate the health risks of your hobby and sex in general when consistent sex partners is almost impossible. I am meeting up with a guy who I met in the bar above tomorrow night for some naked cuddling, and after seeing a few guys suck on his cock in the bar, I'm not comfortable going too far when I really want to. Any insight would be appreciated.

Something is unusual, you seem to have a tendency to easily catch gonorrhea. Have you thought about taking 200 mg of Doxycycline the next day after a sexual encounter? 

Every time we cross the street or walk out of our home we take risks, is up to us to think it's its worth it or not... considering your circumstances and the fact that you have a partner maybe it's not good for you and you might consider sticking to having oral sex with your partner.

 

[pubic_assistance]

Back when I was in my 20s and incredibly promiscuous I would hit the "VD Clinic" ( as we called it back then) on a biweekly basis.

If you've had a run of bad luck then I'd suggest getting tested regularly instead of waiting until you have symptoms .

Edited June 11, 2023 by pubic_assistance

[AZN_NYC]

It seems like something with your immune systems that makes you receptive to gonorrhea so easily. Kissing is not a zero risk but considered relatively low risk provided you have been fully vaccinated for HPV, Hepatitis A, B, C and other preventable STDs. The other likely STD you can catch from kissing and oral is Chlamydia, which is incredibly popular STDs these days, fortunately it is quite easy to be treated with just 1 dose of antibiotics, but you should screen for it as quickly as possible. There is risk in any activities in life, even the most benign activities such as cuddling can expose you to some risk (monkey pox etc). If one is to be totally safe, then sex and pleasure is nonexistence and what is the purpose of life then? The best weapon you have against all these nasty things is your updated knowledge on medical sciences and treatment, take the calculated risk and know that you can recover if you are unlucky to get hit with one, just always be alert and get tested regularly, take any preventive measures such as being vaccinated if possible. 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, AZN_NYC said:

It seems like something with your immune systems that makes you receptive to gonorrhea so easily. Kissing is not a zero risk but considered relatively low risk provided you have been fully vaccinated for HPV, Hepatitis A, B, C and other preventable STDs. The other likely STD you can catch from kissing and oral is Chlamydia, which is incredibly popular STDs these days, fortunately it is quite easy to be treated with just 1 dose of antibiotics, but you should screen for it as quickly as possible. There is risk in any activities in life, even the most benign activities such as cuddling can expose you to some risk (monkey pox etc). If one is to be totally safe, then sex and pleasure is nonexistence and what is the purpose of life then? The best weapon you have against all these nasty things is your updated knowledge on medical sciences and treatment, take the calculated risk and know that you can recover if you are unlucky to get hit with one, just always be alert and get tested regularly, take any preventive measures such as being vaccinated if possible. 

Just some corrections to this. There is no vaccine against Hep C, which is only transmitted sexually under unusual conditions (such as blood on an anal/genital sore or ulceration). Also, unlike gonorrhea, chlamydia doesn't infect the throat. 

[AZN_NYC]

1 minute ago, Unicorn said:

Just some corrections to this. There is no vaccine against Hep C, which is only transmitted sexually under unusual conditions (such as blood on an anal/genital sore or ulceration). Also, unlike gonorrhea, chlamydia doesn't infect the throat. 

Chlamydia in throat is possible, although not common

Chlamydia in Throat: Symptoms, Diagnosis, Treatment, and More

WWW.HEALTHLINE.COM

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Chlamydia in throat, though rare, can cause symptoms such as sore throat, mouth sores, and dental problems. Read on to learn more.

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, AZN_NYC said:

Chlamydia in throat is possible, although not common

Chlamydia in Throat: Symptoms, Diagnosis, Treatment, and More

WWW.HEALTHLINE.COM

---

Chlamydia in throat, though rare, can cause symptoms such as sore throat, mouth sores, and dental problems. Read on to learn more.

 

If you'd read your own source carefully, you'd see it says you can't get chlamydia from kissing. But I agree, it does say it can infect the throat:

Chlamydia: Can You Catch It from Kissing?

WWW.HEALTHLINE.COM

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Chlamydia is a sexually transmitted infection (STI) that can affect anyone. A common misconception is that chlamydia is transmittable through kissing.

"...You can’t transmit chlamydia through kissing..."

[marylander1940]

16 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

Back when I was in my 20s and incredibly promiscuous I would hit the "VD Clinic" ( as we called it back then) on a biweekly basis.

If you've had a running bad luck then I'd suggest getting tested regularly instead of waiting until you have symptoms .

or taking 200 mg of doxycycline within 72 hours of having any kind of sex.

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@MaybeMaybeNot you've been unlucky, that's all! Maybe you're more likely to catch this kind of diseases while you have a higher immunity towards other things. Not everybody who engages in oral sex with someone with gonorrhea, syphilis or chlamydia will catch it. 

Life is too short, treat yourself, enjoy sex! 

 

[Luv2play]

On 6/11/2023 at 1:43 PM, Unicorn said:

Just some corrections to this. There is no vaccine against Hep C, which is only transmitted sexually under unusual conditions (such as blood on an anal/genital sore or ulceration). Also, unlike gonorrhea, chlamydia doesn't infect the throat. 

I've heard of chalmydia infecting the throat. In fact I was tested for it a few years ago but it turned out to be gonorrhea. Sore throat in any case alerted me to the problem.

[Luv2play]

On 6/11/2023 at 3:22 PM, marylander1940 said:

or taking 200 mg of doxycycline within 72 hours of having any kind of sex.

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@MaybeMaybeNot you've been unlucky, that's all! Maybe you're more likely to catch this kind of diseases while you have a higher immunity towards other things. Not everybody who engages in oral sex with someone with gonorrhea, syphilis or chlamydia will catch it. 

Life is too short, treat yourself, enjoy sex! 

 

Uh, I'm not so sure of that. At least those who like deep throating is more likely to catch an infection from someone who has gonorrhea or chlamydia.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

On 6/10/2023 at 9:22 PM, pubic_assistance said:

If you've had a run of bad luck then I'd suggest getting tested regularly instead of waiting until you have symptoms .

This is wise fucking advice (literally and figuratively).

Regularly scheduled 10-panel STD testing and throat/ass swabs should become your norm if you're very sexually active and not always playing using PrEP and condoms.

If you can swing it, every 30-45 days.  Better you know immediately.

 

[Colton]

2 hours ago, BenjaminNicholas said:

If you can swing it, every 30-45 days.  Better you know immediately.

Shameful that our puritan country doesn’t label such tests as preventive care without co-pay.  If cost is an issue for someone, check out Planned Parenthood which offers free and discounted testing based on ability to pay.  

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

14 hours ago, Colton said:

Shameful that our puritan country doesn’t label such tests as preventive care without co-pay.  If cost is an issue for someone, check out Planned Parenthood which offers free and discounted testing based on ability to pay.  

I will happily pay my copay, but I am hardly a Puritan.  I think getting tested every few weeks, including anal and throat swabs, is the way to go if sexually active with multiple partners.  I am the one having recreational sex, therefore I am one who will pay my copay.  Thank you for providing options for those who need assistance.

[SouthOfTheBorder]

aside from kissing - assume that whatever your new sex partner is doing with you, they are doing the exact same with multiple others

especially anyone from the apps. it's a well known Petri dish 

prep, condoms, peeing right after & a thorough shower will all mitigate.  not romantic, but the reality 

 

[marylander1940]

On 6/14/2023 at 2:14 PM, SouthOfTheBorder said:

aside from kissing - assume that whatever your new sex partner is doing with you, they are doing the exact same with multiple others

especially anyone from the apps. it's a well known Petri dish 

prep, condoms, peeing right after & a thorough shower will all mitigate.  not romantic, but the reality 

 

 

¡Sopa!

Edited June 16, 2023 by marylander1940