How often (if ever) have you succeded connecting with anyone in a non-gay environment?

[Jarrod_Uncut]

I refer to most everything public: jogging, gym, grocery store, library, whatever. Anything besides apps, services or gay bars (I know this may be irrelevant to some due to personal discretions). 

 

I ask because my level of success with it, seems to be dwindling. It's not like I go out actively seeking to connect or "cruise", not being judgemental but mainly because there's just a limited option to do so in 99% of America especially midwest and small city America. Most of that seems to be confined to cruisy "parks" and beaches in the bigger cities: which I also put under the umbrella of gay environment.

I've had several instances where I may have talked to (or been talked to) by a dude, no expectations or assumptions...just seeing where their head is at and just being open to whatever things go. After a few minutes, if I sense they are at least half way interested, I may ask for an instagram (seems much less invasive and forward than a phone number). Most seem to always be open to.

However, when it comes down to trying to connect beyond that one instance, it never goes anywhere. They may reply to a couple of messages, and then just go ghost. Some have even been gay, but there's been many "possibly gay" guys. I even had a guy chat me up at a restraunt type of bar (he was “straight”, but he was very much being flirty), spend a good half hour shooting the shit, and I even "hinted" towards him my orientation. Which he seemed cool with. We switched instagrams and exchanged a message or 2 and then...couldn’t get it up.

Similiar to the timewasters we deal with as escorts, I find "timewasters" exist just out in random: they talk with you, but don't seem to bother going to next level the situation. It's like, if you don't like me...give me a fake number or instagram or something lol. I feel when people hesitate, why can't they just be real and say how they feel?

Main reason I even open myself up to it is because the gay "scene" can feel so washed up and repetitive. Especially like I said, in smaller market cities. Even when it seems like there's a lot of people around on the apps, they all seem "hidden" in real life: either partnered, closeted, or "out there". 

It kind of gives me an impression/conclusion that, if they aren't in a gay space: it's not worth the effort to even read into or carry on a conversation at all. It seems like many are wrapped in their own bubble: Anyone who does things that’s different than the norm, is cause for suspicion. Like: most dudes don’t have the courage to step outside of their circle. When they meet someone who does: they can’t handle it.
 

Even though I don't dress "obvious", I do try to dress "approachable", that would give off hints. But nope, unless I'm in a gay environment (and even then), it seems to be less common now that people come up to me. It seemed like in my late teens/early 20s, I'd get more guys (usually Tops and may have only happened like 3-4 times over a course of a couple years) approach me out and about.
 

But now the only ones I can seem to get hit on in public are White Women or I get random older White guys who just want to chat me up in the grocery store...about nothing I'm interested in talking about lol. 

Edited May 23, 2022 by Jarrod_Uncut

[jeezifonly]

Do mean *connect* as in, get along and want to learn more or *connect* as in, leave together and immediately have sex for fun and/or profit? 😘

[maninsoma]

Is it necessarily a waste of time to have a conversation with another man when it doesn't ultimately lead to sex?

[BuffaloKyle]

I agree @Jarrod_Uncut that it's really hard for a gay guy to try and meet guys to either just be friends with, go on a date with, or try and hookup with in a non gay setting. I asked one guy out at my last job who I totally thought was gay but he said he was actually bisexual and not really into guys much at all. So that felt weird then. You don't wanna be hitting on a straight guy because you don't know how people are going to react then. You said you dress "approachable" to give off hints. My one friend has a little gay pride necklace that he wears. Maybe get something like that? I was thinking about one but I'm not a jewelry guy and I also don't really need or want everyone I come into contact with to know I'm gay. Just don't think everyone needs to know.

[+ Charlie]

I had just moved into my first city apartment. I went out to find a store, in midday. On the street, I passed an attractive young man, we glanced at one another, smiled, and said hello. We stopped and chatted for a few minutes, and I mentioned that I had a new bed and needed to break it in. A half hour later we were in it. We ended up living together for four years.

[+ Lucky]

I met a guy on a bus from the airport. I learned later that he was a flight attendant. I had sat next to him, noticing that he was sleeping. Cute guy! His head started tilting toward me and soon it was resting on my shoulder! How's that for a come on?

Yes, we ended up having great sex in my hotel room. I never saw or heard from him again.

[+ The Big Guy]

In a non-gay environment, I have never made the first move.  However, several times I have been approached.  Like Lucky, one was a flight attendant (we ended up getting together many times), and the others were at the gym.  I was not willing to play at the gym, so the overtures never resulted in getting together.  

[Luv2play]

35 years ago I went to a ClubMed in the Carribean for a one week winter vacation. In those days there were no gay ClubMeds but the one I went to had lots of singles and was not one of the family ones.

On my arrival a young and attractive club employee ( I think they were called GOs, "gentil organizateur") showed me to my cabin, which I was going to share with two others who had not yet arrived. We sat down on the side of a bed and talked for 5 minutes or so and I so wanted to reach over and give him a kiss. But I resisted the urge.

Later, after he had left, I cursed myself for having been too reticent. To make up for my inaction, a few days later I exchanged glances with a tall Black native who was working on the grounds. He spoke French, which I also did, so after a few minutes of small talk, we sidled down to the waterfront where some bushes offered a screen for us as we entered the water. I sucked him off and afterwards gave him some of my beads which we used as currency at the resort.

It was the only sex I had at that resort. But boy, did he ever cum a load.

[Jarrod_Uncut]

19 hours ago, maninsoma said:

Is it necessarily a waste of time to have a conversation with another man when it doesn't ultimately lead to sex?

Well that’s the thing, I don’t refer to it needing to end up having “sex”. But just something better than exchanging a  social media page that we exchange a message or 2, but doesn’t lead to trying to connect again. 
 

I even got one guy’s number at the gym (not something I normally do), and he gave it to me. But then couple days and conversation later, he’s saying he’s not gay or bi but doesn’t judge 🤦🏽‍♂️ lol. I was dropping hints, but respectively though.

23 hours ago, jeezifonly said:

Do mean *connect* as in, get along and want to learn more or *connect* as in, leave together and immediately have sex for fun and/or profit? 😘

Umm, sort of a combination of the 2, but with less emphasis on the latter. 
 

For example: I don’t like to reach out to someone on the basis of it being like I’m trying to right away have sex together. For one, I don’t like to promote the stereotype of a cruisey gay dude. I just talk to people in a general tone, even if I do find them attractive.

Most don’t approach me first, but I’ve had some who do. If I approach them, I try to leave the door open a little for them to make a move. If they come to me, I try to be a little more forward without necessarily making it obvious.

I know also: sometimes you have to really be in the right neighborhood to have success. Most of my interactions involve Midwestern suburban White guys who seem all nice and open to chat initially, but then go ghost when it’s time to connect any further. When I lived in Florida, most people don’t talk to you in public unless they want something, and the times I have: most tend to immediately think you’re hitting on them, and will blow you off (no pun intended 😆 

Edited May 24, 2022 by Jarrod_Uncut

[maninsoma]

2 hours ago, Luv2play said:

35 years ago I went to a ClubMed in the Carribean for a one week winter vacation. In those days there were no gay ClubMeds but the one I went to had lots of singles and was not one of the family ones.

On my arrival a young and attractive club employee ( I think they were called GOs, "gentil organizateur") showed me to my cabin, which I was going to share with two others who had not yet arrived. We sat down on the side of a bed and talked for 5 minutes or so and I so wanted to reach over and give him a kiss. But I resisted the urge.

Later, after he had left, I cursed myself for having been too reticent. To make up for my inaction, a few days later I exchanged glances with a tall Black native who was working on the grounds. He spoke French, which I also did, so after a few minutes of small talk, we sidled down to the waterfront where some bushes offered a screen for us as we entered the water. I sucked him off and afterwards gave him some of my beads which we used as currency at the resort.

It was the only sex I had at that resort. But boy, did he ever cum a load.

Your story reminds me of my first trip to Puerto Vallarta.  I'll skip the irrelevant details.  I'll just say that the person who showed me to my room showed me a lot more once his shift ended a half hour later.

I've dated a few guys I met in non-gay-focused places.  One while waiting for a bus.  One in a straight bar (my two female friends were convinced he was straight and was looking in our direction because he was interested in one of them, so they were disappointed when he ended up coming on to me).  A few at work.

[Rudynate]

I have connected with guys though work at least a couple times.  I also connected with a guy attending a convention at Moscone Center.  I was working for some medical publisher giving doctors little trainings in how to use the internet.  I was walking around the exhibits on a break and locked eyes with a good-looking daddy who turned out to be a psychiatrist.  Several times on the street, those same tell-tale eye-locks.   I had a near-miss at a BNI meeting.  A smokin' real estate agent kept turning in his seat to check me out.    But that turned out to be all.

I remember a couple of the work connections were when I was working in the hearing aid industry.  There are lots of gay audiologists and I connected with a couple of those.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Rudynate
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[rvwnsd]

I had a couple back when I lived near downtown Evanston, IL in the 1990's. The first was at the Jewel-Osco supermarket near my apartment. Ran into the same guy a couple of times and finally struck up a conversation waiting in an interminable line. Turned out, he lived down the street from me, so we brought our groceries home and met for coffee. Every so often we would grab breakfast or coffee or go for a walk together. The second was at Whole Foods. A guy bumped into my cart while I was picking out cucumbers, then at the carrot display, and then the meat department. Each time he made a double entendre. We ended up walking out together and when we got to my apartment building, he made a comment about putting away the groceries. He came upstairs and we, ahem, put away the groceries. We hooked up a couple of times after that and never saw each other again. 

[Jarrod_Uncut]

10 hours ago, Luv2play said:

35 years ago I went to a ClubMed in the Carribean for a one week winter vacation. In those days there were no gay ClubMeds but the one I went to had lots of singles and was not one of the family ones.

On my arrival a young and attractive club employee ( I think they were called GOs, "gentil organizateur") showed me to my cabin, which I was going to share with two others who had not yet arrived. We sat down on the side of a bed and talked for 5 minutes or so and I so wanted to reach over and give him a kiss. But I resisted the urge.

Later, after he had left, I cursed myself for having been too reticent. To make up for my inaction, a few days later I exchanged glances with a tall Black native who was working on the grounds. He spoke French, which I also did, so after a few minutes of small talk, we sidled down to the waterfront where some bushes offered a screen for us as we entered the water. I sucked him off and afterwards gave him some of my beads which we used as currency at the resort.

It was the only sex I had at that resort. But boy, did he ever cum a load.

35 years ago?

Caribbean?

Cum loads?

Speaks French? 🤬 

I wonder if it might of been a distant relative of mine, all of the above adds up, and I turn 35 in 3 months. HMU 🤙🏾 if you want a reenactment 😆 

Edited May 24, 2022 by Jarrod_Uncut

[Jarrod_Uncut]

3 hours ago, rvwnsd said:

I had a couple back when I lived near downtown Evanston, IL in the 1990's. The first was at the Jewel-Osco supermarket near my apartment. Ran into the same guy a couple of times and finally struck up a conversation waiting in an interminable line. Turned out, he lived down the street from me, so we brought our groceries home and met for coffee. Every so often we would grab breakfast or coffee or go for a walk together. The second was at Whole Foods. A guy bumped into my cart while I was picking out cucumbers, then at the carrot display, and then the meat department. Each time he made a double entendre. We ended up walking out together and when we got to my apartment building, he made a comment about putting away the groceries. He came upstairs and we, ahem, put away the groceries. We hooked up a couple of times after that and never saw each other again. 

Seems like guys had so much more bold back in the 90s. bumping into you while picking out cucumbers 😆 

Many public meets I do get, are more like: “I seen you at…” on a hookup app. It actually annoyed me when one guy who’d been trying to meet each other awhile, HMU on Grindr saying he seen me at Walmart. I’m like, why didn’t you say anything??? It made me wonder if he’s either super DL or catfish. We never did end up meeting.

Gay guys in small towns are so afraid. Even in Saint Louis, nobody even bothers approaching anyone outside of their group even in gay environments. The times I have, they seem terrified. But then later they’re trying to hookup like, ASAP.

I wish people would just get out of the fear of being found out. It’s 2022, MoFos out here still hiding in the closet or afraid to show they’re into someone. I can’t do all the work all the time.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Jarrod_Uncut

[+ Pensant]

Back in 1996, I was a presenter at a healthcare conference in Phoenix. During the general sessions, I noticed a handsome younger brunet was looking at me. At lunch we sat together and agreed to go for a run after the day's events. After the run, we went up to my room to do crunches. He told me he was gay. Of course, I said I knew and that I was too. We started making out and then jacked off together. Unfortunately, he was with his boyfriend. They were from St Louis and I was living in Boulder at the time. The next afternoon, before heading to the airport, we had another deep make out session in a stall in the men’s room of the hotel lobby while his bf was outside waiting for the airport bus. We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet again in San Francisco in a few months. Going through some old photos, I found a picture of us together at a restaurant. We never connected again.

[+ SundayZip]

@Jarrod_Uncut, When I read the title of this thread, I interpreted "connecting" as being a non-sexual connection that continued beyond the initial meeting. Then, reading through your post, it seems that you're referring to a sexual connection (ie, a hookup).  I'd count myself as one of those men that would "ghost" you after learning that you're actually looking for a hookup or something longer involving sex.  I value platonic friendships that can start with a personal, non-sexual connection and have been disappointed when I learn that a potential friend really wants something else. 
 

[Rudynate]

Sometime in the 70s, I was visiting San Francisco and I took a ferry across the bay to Larkspur or Sausalito .  I met an older German couple.  We had an enjoyable conversation on the way over.  They asked me for my address, said they would like to keep in touch -and they did for years - notes, Christmas cards, etc.

[Rudynate]

When I was 18, I met an older man in the men's bar of the Mont Royal Hotel in Montreal.   He was very sweet and bought me drinks as he told me this improbable story - He told me that he was the Crown Prince of Poland, the rightful heir to the Polish throne.  Even at 18, I knew the story was likely bullshilt, but I also thought, SOMEBODY has to be the heir to the Polish throne, why not him?   He said he was involved in a lawsuit with the Canadian government to get them to return the crown jewels which they had taken for safekeeping from the Nazis.  There is actually a kernel of truth to the story  - the Canadian government did have to be forced to surrender some Polish art treasures many years after the war.  Any way, he had a briefcase and showed me all storts of correspondence in the matter and the drinks kept coming.   I talked for a long time with this guy because he was so nice and his story was so fascinating.   He stayed in touch with me for years after that.  It rattled my mother that I received notes and cards from all these strange men.

[Rudynate]

Another time, I met an old German guy. It was 1973 and I was stationed at the US Army Hospital in Landstuhl.  I don't remember exactly how we met - I think I was drinking beer in the cafe of the train station while waiting for a train.    He started chatting me up and I do remember that we spoke German, no English, so my German must have been better than I remember it being. We chatted for awhile and he asked if we could meet again.  I said yes, and a few days later, we met at the train station again.   This got to be a regular thing -we  would go swimming at the public pool, go hiking, visit museums, have lunch, etc. , always meeting at the train station and at the end of the afternoon, I would walk him back to the train station, never knew how to get in touch with him. There was never the slightest suggestion of sex - it was like spending an afternoon with your grandfather.   I dont remember how it ended.

[Rudynate]

Another time I was on a train and an elderly French guy approached, gave me his card and invited me to come stay with him in Paris.

 

Another time I met a guy on the street in Denver who just approached me and asked me to come have a beer with him.  He was a real attractive, powerfully built black guy  very sweet and friendly.  I was so attracted to him that I was wet, but I was also afraid of him, so I didn't go anywhere with him.   Over the years he kept turning up, and we would do the same thing - we would drink beer and I would sit there lusting after him because he was so hot and being afraid to go off with him.    Eventually he disappeared and then turned up a long time later - he had just been released from prison.    I think of him all the time as a missed opportunity because I was so hot for him.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Rudynate

[MiamiLooker]

15 hours ago, Luv2play said:

35 years ago I went to a ClubMed in the Carribean for a one week winter vacation. In those days there were no gay ClubMeds but the one I went to had lots of singles and was not one of the family ones.

On my arrival a young and attractive club employee ( I think they were called GOs, "gentil organizateur") showed me to my cabin, which I was going to share with two others who had not yet arrived. We sat down on the side of a bed and talked for 5 minutes or so and I so wanted to reach over and give him a kiss. But I resisted the urge.

Later, after he had left, I cursed myself for having been too reticent. To make up for my inaction, a few days later I exchanged glances with a tall Black native who was working on the grounds. He spoke French, which I also did, so after a few minutes of small talk, we sidled down to the waterfront where some bushes offered a screen for us as we entered the water. I sucked him off and afterwards gave him some of my beads which we used as currency at the resort.

It was the only sex I had at that resort. But boy, did he ever cum a load.

La Caravelle?

[Luv2play]

No, Frenchmen's Cove in Martinique.

[+ Charlie]

2 hours ago, Rudynate said:

Sometime in the 70s, I was visiting San Francisco and I took a ferry across the bay to Larkspur or Sausalito .  I met an older German couple.  We had an enjoyable conversation on the way over.  They asked me for my address, said they would like to keep in touch -and they did for years - notes, Christmas cards, etc.

That reminds me of my parents and the parents of my freshman dorm roommate in college. They met only once, on moving-in day, but they continued to exchange letters and Xmas cards for years, long after I had lost touch with that roommate.

[+ Charlie]

2 hours ago, SundayZip said:

@Jarrod_Uncut, When I read the title of this thread, I interpreted "connecting" as being a non-sexual connection that continued beyond the initial meeting. Then, reading through your post, it seems that you're referring to a sexual connection (ie, a hookup).  I'd count myself as one of those men that would "ghost" you after learning that you're actually looking for a hookup or something longer involving sex.  I value platonic friendships that can start with a personal, non-sexual connection and have been disappointed when I learn that a potential friend really wants something else. 
 

Some of my longtime platonic friends have been guys that I had sex with once when we first met, and never again. What started as sexual attraction quickly morphed simply into pleasure in one another's company.

[+ WilliamM]

I had great sex with a United States soldier I met in a light infantry brigade in Vietnam 1968,  1969.

He left quickly when his mother died.

We kept in touch. He has been one of my closest straight friends for over fifty years.