Importing and Helping out a Good Boy

[lonely_john]

I've been in touch with a young guy that I met a few times during my trips to Latin America. In total over the span of 8 years. He's good, we've always had good times getting together. He's not an escort but needless to say that when we meet I cover all expenses, which are nothing scandalous because on one side prices are very cheap there and he's not demanding at all, doesn't ask for anything and when we plan something he always helps me find the best deals at the best places, and we have a lot of fun.

I know how many times we've talked in this forum about not taking a young boyfriend to live with him but I think there is a difference between this young man and the average North American youngster. He's very considerate, not self-centered at all, not demanding, great in bed of course, he has a job (low-paying but he has a job), and speaks very decent English, which I think it would help him a lot if I'm successful bringing him home.

We haven't specifically discussed this idea I have in my mind but we have talked about life in a developed country vs in Latin America and he seems excited with the idea of "going one day" but we've never talked about initiating a formal process to help him stay. Maybe one time we had a conversation in form of jokes where I told him that IF we lived together he would have to understand that I might see other guys occasionally and he said that would be ok. Maybe because he's straight-ish. I would say more Bisexual because I know he has fun with girlfriends and boyfriends where he lives.

I've been in talks with an immigration agent and it seems that marriage is one of the options to bring him home and give him a quick kickstart. In any case, I want to do this not because I'm in love with him (I'm not) but because of the great person he has demonstrated to be, and the potential I've seen in him to be a good person who would lead a productive life, different from that one would see by helping the typical young immature and unappreciative guy who would dive into drugs and other vices. I also don't discard being in a relationship with him if things evolve in that direction but I'm realistic and I know he might find someone else, but that doesn't deter me from helping him because I know that he's good material, not only as a potential partner but, in the worst case, as a lifetime friend.

So ... What do you think of all this? I know that there are members of this forum who have had similar experiences and I value their advice on the best way of doing things in this context. I appreciate constructive criticism but please refrain from negativity and toxicity in your comments.

[+ Pensant]

You’ve obviously thought this out, so I can’t see why you wouldn’t proceed.

[+ RJD]

Here are a couple resources addressing this issue.  Both appear to be offering their services navigating through the process, so remember, while their information is accurate, it’s really a sales pitch.  

https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/fiance-marriage-visa-book/chapter1-5.html

https://www.boundless.com/immigration-resources/how-is-a-fiance-visa-different-from-a-marriage-based-green-card/

My suggestion is to hire an experienced, reputable immigration attorney to guide and advise.  There are various options and with each certain requirements for residency either in the States or waiting in a home country.  The risks of fraudulently presenting your relationship can be severe including permanent deportation of the applicant and fines/imprisonment for the sponsor.  

If you present yourself as an “engaged” couple (fiancé visa), immigration will want to see documentation of your relationship in the form of photographs together and correspondence (including texts) between you.  If it’s done as someone just visiting who “falls in love” while here and wants to apply for residency, then there are defined time periods between the time of arrival and application for residency when the application is viewed more suspiciously (30, 60, 90 day periods).

[Luv2play]

I believe the OP is a Canadian and probably should have mentioned that as each country has different immigration regimes. 

I know two Latin American providers in Toronto who are both gay and married compatriots to get them into the country. Their spouses were female but the process would have been similar if they had been males since marriage between males is now treated the same way as between male and female or 2 females.

I treat their info with the greatest discretion and wouldn't divulge their names since we trust each other with our private life info. But just to say it can be done. And now these women are living their own lives in Canada separate from their "sponsors".

Edited December 11, 2021 by Luv2play

[MscleLovr]

57 minutes ago, lonely_john said:

I'm realistic…I know he might find someone else…that doesn't deter me from helping him…I know that he's good material, not only as a potential partner but, in the worst case, as a lifetime friend.

 

To me, this doesn’t seem realistic at all. Instead it sounds like a rather romantic notion. (As an aside, does your chosen screen-name reflect that you are indeed lonely?)

57 minutes ago, lonely_john said:

I've…a young guy that I met a few times during my trips to Latin America…over the span of 8 years. He's good, we've always had good times getting together.

So how many times have you met? More than 50? More than 100? And are these only occasions of ‘dinner, bed & breakfast’? Or have you been on trips with him and spent 1-2 weeks in each other’s company?

I don’t see the age-difference as a barrier to romance (I myself have a much younger partner and we’ve been together for several years). But you have a number of significant obstacles to surmount. For instance, 

1. do you speak his mother-tongue very well?

2. are his educational attainments sufficient for him to have a decent career in your home-city?

3. do you have plenty of money to support him while he is getting established? (I’m not talking about the extra costs of feeding and housing him but rather his monthly allowance (say $1000 in a big city), his phone and gym bills, possibly a car etc)

4. is your home large enough? (Possibly his hobbies and interests may differ from yours, say he goes to bed much later than you, or plays loud music etc)

If you are serious about this @lonely_john, I urge you to take a trip with him and spend an entire month together. If you can’t enjoy that amount of time with him, consider how a couple of years will seem…

[Becket]

It's part of the fantasy many of us have. When it's just fantasy it's all fun and games.  No way to be sure.....just be sure you know you're getting the good with the bad.  No sending him home early if the chemistry is not right one night. All relationships are for "better or worse."  This one will be as well.  Sounds exciting, scary, fun, and overwhelming all at once.  But hell yea, go for it.

[maninsoma]

Has he been to visit you for an extended trip, for at least a month?  I don't know if that would cause a problem for him, giving up his job or taking a leave, but it would give you a better idea of what it would be like to live with him in your place for a bit longer of a period of time.

I also suggest flipping the script in your mind, if you can, to see how the offer would appear to you if the tables were turned.  Do you think you would perceive it as a great opportunity from a generous person who has your best interest at heart, or would you be hesitant because (a) you would be disrupting your life by moving somewhere you only know one person; (b) you would be financially dependent on the person who is "importing" you to his country; and (c) you don't really know what's going on in the other guy's mind/heart in terms of what's behind the generous offer.  I think that if someone is truly miserable where they are, maybe any risks like that are worth taking.  If he doesn't feel like his situation in life is that bad, however, it's actually quite a risk to give up everything under circumstances like this. 

[+ azdr0710]

I usually think of the practical stuff.....

does he want to uproot and move away from family and friends?....will he be disoriented and homesick?.....how will him being in Canada help his lifelong goals (if any)?.......will he see this as just an extended vacation and eventually want to get back to what he knows?.....is there an existing community of fellow countrymen for him to associate with in your city?.......can he readily get a job he'll stick with?.......will he live with you or will you support (at first?) a separate place for him?......is there absolutely no (or very little) hope of him moving beyond the low-paying job in his home country?.....is he motivated to really put this opportunity to good use for life or is he just a "considerate guy"?.......does he have any higher education goals?.......

his ability to speak English fairly well is a huge advantage (anywhere) and should be encouraged and developed.......

I'm sure you were joking and being casual, but I'd call him a young man, not a boy......

lots to consider.....I'm sure this'll be a big thread!

 

Edited December 11, 2021 by azdr0710

[Luv2play]

I had a somewhat similar experience many decades ago but with one striking difference. The young man was from Switzerland, a country as developed and rich as Canada. Also another distinction vwas that we had lived together in Switzerland for over two years before he moved to Canada with me.

But he only had a high school education and had a decent job and would have gone forward in it had he stayed. 

Marriage wasn't van option then so he came on a student visa and enrolled in a community college, which I paid for. The tuition was high as an international student. I also bought him a car. I paid him a monthly allowance and I picked up all the bills. In short, it wasn't cheap 

The relationship lasted less than a year. He was homesick for all his friends he had left behind and his family. He wasn't interested in my friends who were 10 to 15 years older and only made friends with one or two from college. 

His English was passable but not what I would call completely bilingual. His mother tongue was French but he found French Canadian pronunciation difficult.

I don't regret the experience. He was the only live-in lover I have had, 4 years in all. But I never repeated it.

[+ Tygerscent]

Is his family part of the financial package you are offering~? Or… is he just leaving all that behind~? I’m asking because my Mom pulled a Karen Valentine: met a Greek guy, (Demetrius), who worked on a cruise ship~ She fell in love and moved to Greece without telling anyone~ (A close but, independent family).

  A neighbor informed me of this about a year and one half after she moved~
  She became the “financial helper” for this guy… and then his daughter… and then his son… and his mother… and then some friends of their family~

 He was pushing for marriage… she held off because my great aunt and I pointed out that if she were to marry him he would absorb all of her assets as his own property. That’s Greek law. This went on for years. They never live together and they were never exclusive. When she began to run out of money… He also began to run out of affection for her and went off to work for the Papandreou‘s family and started shagging his daughter.
 I can’t say that they didn’t have a relationship and didn’t share some sort of love but, it was also a very expensive relationship financially and emotionally on my mom. So, when entering a relationship like this that is financial it may also be important to consider that the investment is not merely monetary but also emotional and psychological… Best to have extra reserves in all three accounts~  
 Although this may seem negative, it’s really out of positive and genuine concern for you… I don’t know this other person at all~ It’s an appeal to step aside from yourself and view the circumstances outside of any personal need you may have by doing this~ I’m not saying things of this nature can’t or don’t work out… each situation is unique and there is no absolute rules here~ So, it may be beneficial to things in terms of your reality, his reality, your together reality… not Simply our assumed reality based on the little we know about the two of you~ Still… whatever that reality is: be real and keep it real~ 

Edited December 11, 2021 by Tygerscent

[BonVivant]

Prenup. Prenup. Prenup. Prenup. 

[cany10011]

You are to be commended for your generosity and willingness to help someone with potential out. And, I presume you are going in with eyes wide open. Be good to set some expectations with what you want from your “marriage”.  Is it legal to fake a marriage of convenience? Is he allowed to date others once he gets his permanent residency? What happens when he gets his permanent residency. Presuming you are in one of the big Canadian cities, with the high cost of living, how would conclude your arrangement? Will you provide him with a nest egg to set himself up? Do you have assets that need to be protected? It could get messy. How would you explain this to your family/siblings? These are questions I would consider. 

[+ nycman]

On 12/11/2021 at 8:11 AM, lonely_john said:

I know how many times we've talked in this forum about not taking a young boyfriend to live with him but I think there is a difference between this young man and the average North American youngster.

Delusional.

On 12/11/2021 at 8:11 AM, lonely_john said:

Maybe one time we had a conversation in form of jokes…

Maybe? Jokes?….baby you need to get a lot more serious than this if you’re considering this in earnest. 

On 12/11/2021 at 8:11 AM, lonely_john said:

In any case, I want to do this not because I'm in love with him (I'm not) but because of the great person he has demonstrated to be,….

Delusional.

On 12/11/2021 at 8:11 AM, lonely_john said:

So ... What do you think of all this?

You’re delusional and this will end in tears. 
 

On 12/11/2021 at 8:11 AM, lonely_john said:

…..please refrain from negativity and toxicity in your comments.

Too late.

The truth hurts. 

Edited December 13, 2021 by nycman

[+ tassojunior]

I've almost been this path but the kicker is , at least in the US and I suspect Canada, Pre-Nups can be not only very expensive but sometimes difficult to enforce. Courts often don't like them.  

[BonVivant]

My honest advice:  DO NOT DO IT….  This is a very heavy legal and emotional lift. I have done it. Worst experience of my life. (I had my head in the clouds. Thought I loved him. I was in love with idea of being in love).  And the main reason you should not go down this path: you do not love him. 

If you go down this road - you are 100% responsible for ALL of his needs until he becomes self-sufficient. Especially if you marry. Then during the marriage he has 100% access to everything you have. A prenup is only in case of breakup. 
 

I hope you fully understand all of the ramifications.  Please carefully consider all angles. 

[+ Tygerscent]

On 12/11/2021 at 11:02 AM, azdr0710 said:

I usually think of the practical stuff.....

does he want to uproot and move away from family and friends?....will he be disoriented and homesick?.....how will him being in Canada help his lifelong goals (if any)?.......will he see this as just an extended vacation and eventually want to get back to what he knows?.....is there an existing community of fellow countrymen for him to associate with in your city?.......can he readily get a job he'll stick with?.......will he live with you or will you support (at first?) a separate place for him?......is there absolutely no (or very little) hope of him moving beyond the low-paying job in his home country?.....is he motivated to really put this opportunity to good use for life or is he just a "considerate guy"?.......does he have any higher education goals?.......

his ability to speak English fairly well is a huge advantage (anywhere) and should be encouraged and developed.......

I'm sure you were joking and being casual, but I'd call him a young man, not a boy......

lots to consider.....I'm sure this'll be a big thread!

 

Perhaps a long thread but, fairly consultant one with a common message from both those who have done this and those who have not: exercise caution. See the good sides and potential complications/dangers with open eyes~ The general situation here is taking on the role of a parent. A good thing to consider in this situation is whether or not the one adopting/taking on the new kin, is ready to be a full time/part time responsible parent~ …and is the one being adopted ready to be a full or part time responsible son/daughter~ 

[+ friendofsheila]

On 12/11/2021 at 6:19 AM, MscleLovr said:

If you are serious about this @lonely_john, I urge you to take a trip with him and spend an entire month together. If you can’t enjoy that amount of time with him, consider how a couple of years will seem…

I like this idea.

[+ friendofsheila]

Based on your first post, it sounds like you and he have had many more interactions/talks around sex than around the idea you've told us about.  I propose you reverse that.

Edited December 17, 2021 by friendofsheila

[rvwnsd]

@lonely_john, our very own @Unicorn has experience in this area. You'd be wise to consult with him.

[Quincy_7]

If you've been seeing him for 8 years he can't be that young anymore, can he?

[+ tassojunior]

assume it will last less than a year and the pre-nup will be enforceable 

that's about the odds Vegas would give.  

[BSR]

1 hour ago, tassojunior said:

assume it will last less than a year and the pre-nup will be enforceable 

that's about the odds Vegas would give.  

If this marriage lasts less than a year, is that enough time to get the young man a green card?

[+ tassojunior]

21 minutes ago, BSR said:

If this marriage lasts less than a year, is that enough time to get the young man a green card?

probably not but I'm not sure divorce stops the application for a green card once allowed. IDK.  I meant to say I'd assume the pre-nup is unenforceable as many places don't like them at all and it's very expensive and drawn-out to draft one even in a friendly state.  

[BSR]

21 minutes ago, tassojunior said:

probably not but I'm not sure divorce stops the application for a green card once allowed. IDK.  I meant to say I'd assume the pre-nup is unenforceable as many places don't like them at all and it's very expensive and drawn-out to draft one even in a friendly state.  

I googled it, and it sounds like "probably not" is correct.  According to immigrationhelp.org -- "The amount of time that it takes to get a marriage Green Card is different for every case ... On average, it takes 10-38 months to get a Marriage Green Card."  So 10 months if everything goes perfectly, but since when does cutting through red tape go off without a hitch?

[Guest]

Well, I've never married, but I almost married my Paraguayan ex--but at least I thought we loved each other. What country is he from? I'm guessing other forms of immigration might be easier for Canada than for the US. If you're not in love, marriage sounds like a bad idea (and probably illegal). See what other possibilities exist, such as college and a student visa. If he comes and lives with you and you fall in love, that might be different. Just be sure he's really bi and in love with you, and not gay-for-pay.