I need to share this with someone

[BlackSheep]

About 4 years back I was watching some random award wining LGBT movie. While watching I felt it was kind of ok, not too good not too bad either, I was kind of fwd it a bit here and there ... and when it was around 80% done, one of the guy said a line and I had to pause, this is the line I said many many years ago .... and I started to cry with tears, I never cry ... I didn't cry over divorce and a ton of other things but there was a pain I never knew in my heart and I cried  ... there was ton of memories I had never visited buried in a grave yard of years  .... afterwards I cried for days, weeks and kid you not for 3-4 months 

I realized movie had a lot of overlap with my childhood story. I remember seeing my that friend first time I had a huge crush on, even when I hadn't spoken to him by then, we were probably 5-6 years old, I met him in our local neighborhood where he temp moved in .. and after few days he was in my school and in the same class, after 2 years or so we were in the same neighborhood and our houses were close by. Once I moved near his place we were inseparable. We would go to school together, come home together, eat at either one of our homes lunch and dinner, do home work together, play sports together, everyday starting age 8 till we turned 14. Now I feel he had a huge crush on me as well. He will imitate everything I do, would stare at me occasionally and always show huge affection towards me. I was kind of nonchalant back then. 

As we were growing up, things started to change fast,  one fine day he got really mad at me for calling some random girl he was pretending to have a huge crush on some normal nick name. He showed macho moves and that fight surprisingly ended things then and there. During that fight he called me names and said never to talk to him. When I reflect back he was immature in many ways during our growing up time as well.

After school we went to different colleges, never bumped into each other except at one event, our families knew each other very well, college started, he went to a different country, I got his # and called him up one night after many years, we spoke for few min but things were not the same. Ultimately I moved to the same country. A long time ago I was in a subway, and I felt the person in the cart must be him, by that time we were in our early 20s. I was staring at him, called his name in a low tone the person remaind quiet, and ultimately a stop came he disembark but did look back. I did Google afterwards and it seemed he did graduate from the school the subway he stepped out at.

I bumped into his sister after few years, she took my #, according to her he had visited her # of times, and he was planning to visit again, but he never bothered to reach out. He is married with kids and so do I.

I am a totally different person now, the time and life experiences have surely changed me. I am not sure why I cried for those few months either remembering pure friendship for the one who was also close to heart, or it is the loneliness I find myself in these days. I was also sad thinking if we would have remained friends life would have been alot different then what is now for sure. All my childhood friends knew how close we were & if I ever meet anyone they would surely ask if I am in touch with him, as everyone was also surprised we never connected after that stupid fight.

I some times dream of him us talking, I also think what would I do if we bump into each other, if he rings my home bell. I remember his hands, his face so well after so many years.His sister has moved out, he lives on a different coast, our lives might never intersect. Many years back, after meeting his sister one of his parents called me out of blue and we spoke for half an hour or so. We still have some lose common connections, can get our #s with little to no effort. I feel I have tried reaching out a few times, added him to FB, when FB just started hoping to remain intouch but ultimately he removed me from his list or doesn't use FB any more... 

Movie rekindled old memories of around 8 years we were together almost each day ... everything happens due to a reason .... somehow there is a hole in my heart, probably there shouldn't be one.
People can be unbelievable cruel

 

 

Edited yesterday at 08:41 AM by BlackSheep

[maninsoma]

It can definitely hurt to lose someone who feels so special to you, and I've definitely been there.  A couple of other things strike me about your post, though:

Not knowing anything else about you (I haven't even looked at your posting history here), this posts makes it sound like you are refusing to let go of the possibility of rekindling this friendship AND also not really focusing on making new friendships that also feel special to you.  It sounds as if you have the notion that this is the one true friend of your lifetime.  If you really feel that way, maybe speaking with a therapist could help you untangle this.

The other thing that struck me is how you seem to frame the end of your friendship as all his doing.  I'm reminded of a fairly close friendship I had with someone as a young adult that ultimately ended because I could no longer tolerate his insults.  Maybe the remark you made about the girl he was interested in (maybe his interest was genuine) was a "last straw" for him or maybe it was just so terrible from his perspective that he no longer wanted to be your friend.  In any of your efforts to rekindle your friendship did you apologize for what you said back then, assuming you've actually come to the conclusion that you were wrong for saying what you said?

[+ ApexNomad]

5 hours ago, BlackSheep said:

About 4 years back I was watching some random award wining LGBT movie. While watching I felt it was kind of ok, not too good not too bad either, I was kind of fwd it a bit here and there ... and when it was around 80% done, one of the guy said a line and I had to pause, this is the line I said many many years ago .... and I started to cry with tears, I never cry ... I didn't cry over divorce and a ton of other things but there was a pain I never knew in my heart and I cried  ... there was ton of memories I had never visited buried in a grave yard of years  .... afterwards I cried for days, weeks and kid you not for 3-4 months 

I realized movie had a lot of overlap with my childhood story. I remember seeing my that friend first time I had a huge crush on, even when I hadn't spoken to him by then, we were probably 5-6 years old, I met him in our local neighborhood where he temp moved in .. and after few days he was in my school and in the same class, after 2 years or so we were in the same neighborhood and our houses were close by. Once I moved near his place we were inseparable. We would go to school together, come home together, eat at either one of our homes lunch and dinner, do home work together, play sports together, everyday starting age 8 till we turned 14. Now I feel he had a huge crush on me as well. He will imitate everything I do, would stare at me occasionally and always show huge affection towards me. I was kind of nonchalant back then. 

As we were growing up, things started to change fast,  one fine day he got really mad at me for calling some random girl he was pretending to have a huge crush on some normal nick name. He showed macho moves and that fight surprisingly ended things then and there. During that fight he called me names and said never to talk to him. When I reflect back he was immature in many ways during our growing up time as well.

After school we went to different colleges, never bumped into each other except at one event, our families knew each other very well, college started, he went to a different country, I got his # and called him up one night after many years, we spoke for few min but things were not the same. Ultimately I moved to the same country. A long time ago I was in a subway, and I felt the person in the cart must be him, by that time we were in our early 20s. I was staring at him, called his name in a low tone the person remaind quiet, and ultimately a stop came he disembark but did look back. I did Google afterwards and it seemed he did graduate from the school the subway he stepped out at.

I bumped into his sister after few years, she took my #, according to her he had visited her # of times, and he was planning to visit again, but he never bothered to reach out. He is married with kids and so do I.

I am a totally different person now, the time and life experiences have surely changed me. I am not sure why I cried for those few months either remembering pure friendship for the one who was also close to heart, or it is the loneliness I find myself in these days. I was also sad thinking if we would have remained friends life would have been alot different then what is now for sure. All my childhood friends knew how close we were & if I ever meet anyone they would surely ask if I am in touch with him, as everyone was also surprised we never connected after that stupid fight.

I some times dream of him us talking, I also think what would I do if we bump into each other, if he rings my home bell. I remember his hands, his face so well after so many years.His sister has moved out, he lives on a different coast, our lives might never intersect. Many years back, after meeting his sister one of his parents called me out of blue and we spoke for half an hour or so. We still have some lose common connections, can get our #s with little to no effort. I feel I have tried reaching out a few times, added him to FB, when FB just started hoping to remain intouch but ultimately he removed me from his list or doesn't use FB any more... 

Movie rekindled old memories of around 8 years we were together almost each day ... everything happens due to a reason .... somehow there is a hole in my heart, probably there shouldn't be one.
People can be unbelievable cruel

 

 

What was the line in the movie that brought all this up?

[Nightowl]

I don’t know how old you are now but it strikes me that what you’re experiencing is the kind of regret, sorrow, and even nostalgia that we feel as we get old and start to revisit our lives, the mistakes we’ve made, our embarrassments, and what we missed, neglected, or didn’t appreciate at the time.  It sounds like you have tried to reach out but what you don’t say is whether you tried to resolve the issue that led to your break.  You might have been able to do that early on after the event by apologizing, talking it out, whatever, but after years or decades it becomes difficult if not impossible.  And, if whatever you said really was hurtful, he may still feel burned, even years later.  I know that I have had a few situations where decades later, I still feel the hurt I felt when it happened.  

I can feel the hurt and sadness in what you’ve shared here; I hope that someday you’ll met up with your friend again and have the chance to restart some level of friendship.  

[+ purplekow]

If you have tried to contact him and he has ignored you, it may be time to store those memories in a file:  good times long gone and not to return.  If you have an address, write him a letter.  Tell him that you still think of your friendship fondly and that you wish him well.   Tell him you are open to talking or texting or even seeing one another if you are ever physically close enough for that to happen.  Then, close that book.  If he contacts you that would be nice but ultimately not likely to restore any old bonds.  If he does not contact you, then you need to respect his choice, no matter how unfinished the business between you is in your mind.  

Edited 20 hours ago by purplekow

[+ nycman]

Move on.

[+ SidewaysDM]

@BlackSheep You have got some great advice from @maninsoma@Nightowland @purplekow. I wanted to add a personal experience I had in the past. 
 

I had a similar situation with my best friend from my old neighborhood. We spent everyday together and were inseparable, well into our twenties. He was the one that said some really hurtful things to me. Frankly, to my embarrassment and dismay, I could never get past the hurt and pain of his mean and harsh remarks.
 

What I failed to realize for a long time, is that I was attracted to him and was romantically in love with him. Could your deep hurt and sadness and rejection, be caused by the fact that you were in love with your friend? 
 

If that might be the case, you need to work through those feelings of loss and get on with your life. You may need to see a therapist to help you navigate all those buried feelings. I know therapy helped me understand and heal the unresolved feelings of hurt and loss of a dear friend, who I loved. 
 

I hope with the great advice from this forum and my personal experience, that you can heal and move forward with a positive outlook and energy. Life is too short to stay stuck in the past. Wishing you all the best. 

[curiousbottom]

Not to sound heartless, but we can't live in the past. It's obvious how he feels about you since that fight, including now. If he wanted to, he could look you up and chat. He doesn't and probably never will. I'm not sure it's him being cruel. Everyone handles closure differently.

[BigDMike]

I do myself find a certain circumstance or a movie scene, a specific location, an old car and even a potential lookalike reminds me of people in my past.  I enjoy those fond memories and often think about what could have been or the ever popular...."had I known then what I know now"

In the end, the fond memories are just that...memories that I cherish...and I am always happy to have that 

Edited 18 hours ago by BigDMike

[Pd1_jap]

 

Your relationship was based on convenience. The friendship didn't become close until you lived close by. As soon as you were no longer convenient to him you saw is true face. 

Be glad your friendship ended when it did. I've tried salvaging friendships before only to be used again and again. 

What you're mourning is the loss of what you thought you had, a ride or die friend. Believe people when they tell you who they are. 

An interesting experiment would be to reach out to him and if he doesn't respond then follow-up with, " let's grab drinks, I'll pay". If he then responds you know he's a narcissist that only engages when he gets something out of it. 

[BlackSheep]

thank you guys for giving some direct feedbacks ... really appreciate this community, I hate you guys in a loving way. I will try answering most of the things

Actual comment was not too bad in my opinion, it was the color of the outfit she was wearing at the time. I knew her much more then he did, he overreacted, when he was fighting I was kind of surprised, laughed at the time told him you are over reacting, and probably didn't read the situation correctly, I was 14 in my defense. Post that fight I always justified by telling myself our 9 years of such a close friendship should out weigh alot more then a mere comments lets say it was my mistake. I never apologized, well didn't get too much opportunity on the phone call I made to him or when we were in a common event, but I did think about it at the time, but thought he could be graceful enough to overlook that.

When I look back now, he was one sensitive guy for sure, overreacting on small things, problem been close to those sensitive types forces others to walk on eggshells bec' most of the time they never forgive.

He was the most handsome person I ever saw or been a close friend with. Green eyes, jaw line, fantastic smile and very very good looking, did I mention handsome? I was pretty attractive growing up too, as been told # of times, I did appreciate myself in mirror a lot  not anymore though .... We both used to receive love letters from girls and guys would stop to chat with us on the streets separately or together. One time I bumped into his elder brother's friend many years latter who recognized me insistently, I was in my early 20s and he blatantly said I and group of hs friends always thought I would turn out to be the most attractive and handsome person. Didn't know people discuss these things at the time. 

That friend had a feminine side, he would occasionally put nail polish that was super unusual in our part of the world or us in general growing up in late 80s. When he was pretending he was in "love" with some girl I knew deep down something is not fitting well, and probably subconsciously I was dismissive, which was wrong on my part.

I heard he became reclusive post our fight. I had hard time making new friends, I would drop friendship before getting dumped again, which was not right. I am still in that realm a bit, its super hard to make new friends now. Probably a topic for another thread the mistakes or patterns I have repeated post that fight - I am in my last digit of 40s, so strange life flew by so quickly and so little to show by now. 

About the movie, there was a fight and the guy said "we never met after that", and I had to pause and all of a sudden started remembering saying the same line after having a fight we never met again after that fight. 

Therapist I dearly love charges $450 an hour, I truly appreciate that therapist, he was the first person I admitted I have huge attraction towards both genders. I try meeting with therapist once a year, and in 55 min. calls there are always more then 10 things to discuss. I did bring it in our call once I had those crying episodes over, he said plainly, you both are very different people now, you recognized that don't spend time fantasizing what could have been there or not, you need to move on, but the pain and regret is there but a lot less now for sure. 

I do miss having very close knit of friends, I am lucky to have may be one for all platonic needs I can call any time of day or night and he would answer, listen ... but for many years this is flowing other way, I am a big listening ear he can call any time and I help fix things. This friend of mine is no match to the closeness I felt with my childhood friend. This friend of mine is a College fellow and always shuts down in a jealous way if he ever finds out I am having any financial or office success (unfortunately)  ... but for all the people he sticked around, checking on me when no one else did ... which I truly appreciate about him.

Edited 18 hours ago by BlackSheep

[Luv2play]

Not being an expert in this but with a lifetime of experience (78 years) I would say you are experiencing unrequited love. It’s a bitter pill to be on the receiving end.

Most of us have had this at some time in our lives. It takes maturity to overcome it and move on. Unfortunately we can develop a hard outer shell to try to protect ourselves from future episodes. 

The best strategy is to try to put the person out of your thoughts and focus on those in your life who will return your affection and even your love. Sometimes that person will come back as it did for you watching a movie. But crying for months is not the solution to getting your life back on track. 
 

Good luck. You seem to have a lot going for you so you shouldn’t despair. 

[+ Gar1eth]

Loss is usually very emotional. @BlackSheep-it appears from what you wrote that you've carried the loss of your friend inside you all these years. I think I'm a lot like you. I don't get over severe losses easily. Saying you should move on is very easy to say, but in your case (and mine) may not really be easy or even possible to do. 
 

I'm most likely going to experience a loss in a relationship on this coming Tuesday. I've been dreading the discussion I'm going to have to have. I'm not willing to explain why on here. But I've been getting teary at the thought. The relationship is only a few months old. But I thought it might deepen. And this may be the last romantic relationship I ever have.  And it's only my second ever. I'm not even sure of the best way to do it. I wish I had an answer for you on getting over loss because then I might have an answer for me too. 

[BlackSheep]

sorry to hear you will go through a similar thing .... if your gut tells you this then think it will be better long term for you. Lucky are the folks who get over individuals and events pretty fast.

[Whoisyourdaddy]

Very heartfelt and bittersweet words, BlackSheep and Gar1eth.

I've been with many men (and a few women) sexually, but I've never been in a close relationship. My brain isn't wired like that.

My first love was practically a stranger, but I used to obsess over him all the time. In hindsight, I believe I had fallen in love with an ideal rather than the actual person. I'm glad to be over that part of my life. Nowadays, I'm embarrassed and ashamed of that surprisingly lengthy obsession.