BlackSheep

@TonyDownhonestly I don't want to know the reason what I did in my childhood that was surely unintentional and I can't change that for sure, how he acted might be a last straw as others have commented which seems to be true at the moment. If our friendship was that painful and I was unaware by that time there was indeed something wrong with me & I did receive a big reality check. I grew up in a protected env. and that lesson should have been an eye opening one and should have made me stronger instead it bruised me in a way that I kept on seeking close friendships, I am scared to this day in back of my mind I read people wrong and they don't like me or doesn't want to be with me, this is just a phase and there is some agenda, once that is over this friendship or link will be over. Instead of writing a letter to my friend, I should write a letter to myself to make myself stronger and also forgive myself. I shouldn't have one close friend or one circle, instead I should have multiple and one event shouldn't have this much impact on me, no matter how handsome or good time I had spent with that friend growing up. I should have healed a long time ago and future cases req healing should have been faster. I did very clearly stated to his sister that I would really like to meet him, when I talked to his mother I was very explicit asking how he is doing, what he is doing etc. Everyone present at the time knows we were inseparable ... literally we will not eat food without the other one present ... our evenings would spend cycling the whole neighbourhood and doing all sort of adventures together ... @BSRmy read has always been he was more into me growing up, then I was into him - he was always extra nice and caring ... will show up to my place I believe more often then I going to his place ... he was few months older .. he must be hitting puberty before me ... and I hit puberty right around the time we broke off .... which wasn't a good time for me .... As I reflect my assessment was (and is) we were products of two very different worlds ... he and his family were super liberal and easy going ..... we were (and are) super conservative & protective .... he used to make some derogative comments here and there ...... probably this was bound to happen - he saw an opportunity and put me at my place ..... Guys I really appreciate all your comments, it is therapeutic for me

sorry to hear you will go through a similar thing .... if your gut tells you this then think it will be better long term for you. Lucky are the folks who get over individuals and events pretty fast.

thank you guys for giving some direct feedbacks ... really appreciate this community, I hate you guys in a loving way. I will try answering most of the things Actual comment was not too bad in my opinion, it was the color of the outfit she was wearing at the time. I knew her much more then he did, he overreacted, when he was fighting I was kind of surprised, laughed at the time told him you are over reacting, and probably didn't read the situation correctly, I was 14 in my defense. Post that fight I always justified by telling myself our 9 years of such a close friendship should out weigh alot more then a mere comments lets say it was my mistake. I never apologized, well didn't get too much opportunity on the phone call I made to him or when we were in a common event, but I did think about it at the time, but thought he could be graceful enough to overlook that. When I look back now, he was one sensitive guy for sure, overreacting on small things, problem been close to those sensitive types forces others to walk on eggshells bec' most of the time they never forgive. He was the most handsome person I ever saw or been a close friend with. Green eyes, jaw line, fantastic smile and very very good looking, did I mention handsome? I was pretty attractive growing up too, as been told # of times, I did appreciate myself in mirror a lot not anymore though .... We both used to receive love letters from girls and guys would stop to chat with us on the streets separately or together. One time I bumped into his elder brother's friend many years latter who recognized me insistently, I was in my early 20s and he blatantly said I and group of hs friends always thought I would turn out to be the most attractive and handsome person. Didn't know people discuss these things at the time. That friend had a feminine side, he would occasionally put nail polish that was super unusual in our part of the world or us in general growing up in late 80s. When he was pretending he was in "love" with some girl I knew deep down something is not fitting well, and probably subconsciously I was dismissive, which was wrong on my part. I heard he became reclusive post our fight. I had hard time making new friends, I would drop friendship before getting dumped again, which was not right. I am still in that realm a bit, its super hard to make new friends now. Probably a topic for another thread the mistakes or patterns I have repeated post that fight - I am in my last digit of 40s, so strange life flew by so quickly and so little to show by now. About the movie, there was a fight and the guy said "we never met after that", and I had to pause and all of a sudden started remembering saying the same line after having a fight we never met again after that fight. Therapist I dearly love charges $450 an hour, I truly appreciate that therapist, he was the first person I admitted I have huge attraction towards both genders. I try meeting with therapist once a year, and in 55 min. calls there are always more then 10 things to discuss. I did bring it in our call once I had those crying episodes over, he said plainly, you both are very different people now, you recognized that don't spend time fantasizing what could have been there or not, you need to move on, but the pain and regret is there but a lot less now for sure. I do miss having very close knit of friends, I am lucky to have may be one for all platonic needs I can call any time of day or night and he would answer, listen ... but for many years this is flowing other way, I am a big listening ear he can call any time and I help fix things. This friend of mine is no match to the closeness I felt with my childhood friend. This friend of mine is a College fellow and always shuts down in a jealous way if he ever finds out I am having any financial or office success (unfortunately) ... but for all the people he sticked around, checking on me when no one else did ... which I truly appreciate about him.

About 4 years back I was watching some random award wining LGBT movie. While watching I felt it was kind of ok, not too good not too bad either, I was kind of fwd it a bit here and there ... and when it was around 80% done, one of the guy said a line and I had to pause, this is the line I said many many years ago .... and I started to cry with tears, I never cry ... I didn't cry over divorce and a ton of other things but there was a pain I never knew in my heart and I cried ... there was ton of memories I had never visited buried in a grave yard of years .... afterwards I cried for days, weeks and kid you not for 3-4 months I realized movie had a lot of overlap with my childhood story. I remember seeing my that friend first time I had a huge crush on, even when I hadn't spoken to him by then, we were probably 5-6 years old, I met him in our local neighborhood where he temp moved in .. and after few days he was in my school and in the same class, after 2 years or so we were in the same neighborhood and our houses were close by. Once I moved near his place we were inseparable. We would go to school together, come home together, eat at either one of our homes lunch and dinner, do home work together, play sports together, everyday starting age 8 till we turned 14. Now I feel he had a huge crush on me as well. He will imitate everything I do, would stare at me occasionally and always show huge affection towards me. I was kind of nonchalant back then. As we were growing up, things started to change fast, one fine day he got really mad at me for calling some random girl he was pretending to have a huge crush on some normal nick name. He showed macho moves and that fight surprisingly ended things then and there. During that fight he called me names and said never to talk to him. When I reflect back he was immature in many ways during our growing up time as well. After school we went to different colleges, never bumped into each other except at one event, our families knew each other very well, college started, he went to a different country, I got his # and called him up one night after many years, we spoke for few min but things were not the same. Ultimately I moved to the same country. A long time ago I was in a subway, and I felt the person in the cart must be him, by that time we were in our early 20s. I was staring at him, called his name in a low tone the person remaind quiet, and ultimately a stop came he disembark but did look back. I did Google afterwards and it seemed he did graduate from the school the subway he stepped out at. I bumped into his sister after few years, she took my #, according to her he had visited her # of times, and he was planning to visit again, but he never bothered to reach out. He is married with kids and so do I. I am a totally different person now, the time and life experiences have surely changed me. I am not sure why I cried for those few months either remembering pure friendship for the one who was also close to heart, or it is the loneliness I find myself in these days. I was also sad thinking if we would have remained friends life would have been alot different then what is now for sure. All my childhood friends knew how close we were & if I ever meet anyone they would surely ask if I am in touch with him, as everyone was also surprised we never connected after that stupid fight. I some times dream of him us talking, I also think what would I do if we bump into each other, if he rings my home bell. I remember his hands, his face so well after so many years.His sister has moved out, he lives on a different coast, our lives might never intersect. Many years back, after meeting his sister one of his parents called me out of blue and we spoke for half an hour or so. We still have some lose common connections, can get our #s with little to no effort. I feel I have tried reaching out a few times, added him to FB, when FB just started hoping to remain intouch but ultimately he removed me from his list or doesn't use FB any more... Movie rekindled old memories of around 8 years we were together almost each day ... everything happens due to a reason .... somehow there is a hole in my heart, probably there shouldn't be one. People can be unbelievable cruel

hey guys, things did move a bit fwd for sure for me exploring m2m since I originally started this tread. There was a masseur visiting the area, I found him attractive form his Ad. When he opened his hotel door he was teller then I expected, super friendly & sexy and things did progress pretty fast, I took off my undies the first time infront of a masseur, and the biggest thing was he was ok with mouth to mouth kissing lips in the begenning, well in addition to frontal rub - boy did he kiss me, he kissed me the way no one had ever done like a french kiss over and over. I thought I am an ugly one after I got bald in my early 20s. He even kissed me by putting me on the wall when the massage session ended & I was about to leave saying he found me very attractive, and I never thought someone can kiss like that. I did cum twice during that massage session. I did see him again after few weeks, kissing wasn't that much the second time, but it was mostly skin on skin. He did lift me up, which was way too surprising, I felt like a doll and I was like what the hell how can he do that I am almost 6'. He did try to top me by asking if I cleaned myself (I didn't get that question at the time probably he was wondering if I took # 2?) but I totally refused on that part, which I think he was hoping for, my strong No did work as I was not ready on penetration for sure. I didn't receive a BJ ..... but man he had such a sexy body and esp ass. Its now over a year on that encounter, I did see one more masseur since then which was an ok mostly massage experience. I check often if that guy is back in the area, he hasn't come again or I have missed it.

Hi - I had a neighbor who used to live in my street a long time ago. I once bumped into him at a Gym after he has moved and he mentioned he also does provide massage. After few weeks I texted and he mentioned he is open that afternoon. I went to his studio at some office building, he asked me to take off shorts as well, which I said I am more comfortable keeping them on. As the massage progressed he kept on making long storks on my legs while I was on my stomach and end his hands under my shorts, finger touching the area between my balls and asshole, which was very surprising. I thought its bec' I have shorts on, he is making full storks. He asked a few times again to take the shorts off as it helps him which I kind of brushed off by saying I can lose the ribbon a bit. The massage was beyond awesome, never had that good of a massage and never had one afterwards. Long story short at the end he started doing strokes from my shoulders chest all the way under my shorts to my shaft, I was hard for a long time, he loses the shorts lace a bit more and held my cock, I was shocked, mentioned I wasn't expecting this kind of massage, he rubbed my cock head and I cum instantly. Ashamed and also embarrassed, massage ended pretty fast once I cum I dressed up, paid and left. I kept on thinking should I go back? He was not per say my type of guy I get attracted to, but kind of the guy I am ok with but wouldn't rush towards. I never contacted him after that. Reason of mentioning all this is the massage itself, it was beyond awesome. He stretched me up, applied pressure on areas that I felt too good about afterwards, but HE was unexpected. I was more in a remorse then been happy. Is it a violation that was uncalled for and I felt I was taken advantage of? it was hard to get over with for few weeks and months after that, I felt I was not in control who is touching my body that way. Is it ok to reach back, and say what? HE is ok as long as I am aware what will happen? I really liked the massage.

bump

Lucky you. I have a french neighbor who is renting a 3 bedroom house alone for the past 4 years. Sexy as hell, ass considerably huge and pecs always tightly showing from his tight t-shirts. He hardly ever talks to me besides very occasional Hi .... I hate him for been this rude ... but secretly hope he comes on RM, so I can spank him ... my neighbor is too sexy ... Do share your neighbor RM link (asking for a friend 😎) if you end up hiring pls do report back.

Bump

Hi - looking for a really good massage therapist in SF Bay Area. No HE or ME requirement, someone who is exceptionally good. When you are soar for days due to a regular workout who do you guys go to ? Thanks

How do you guys get a massage at Esalen? You need to be staying at a minimum, no?

Hi What do folks usually do during pride parade happening on Sun June 29th in SF? Is it mostly like hang out beside the main road watch folks pass by? or there are some fun activities to find or watch?

wow @SirBillybob what an interesting analysis. I had to look up few words honestly but I agree with you mostly. For the longest time I had this fantasy to get closer to a guy, feel loved, but when something close to that happened or about to happen it was surprisingly disappointing or less magical. I want to blame some to my older age, exposure & maturity probably. Some background, growing up in a very heavy religious background & more in a very heavily women family ... like there was not a single guy to hang out with for miles, 100 to 1 ratio kind of a thing. Never took off my shirt, I assumed my hairy chest as a feeling of shame growing up and used to hide even area close to the neck. Puberty was super hard. In addition all throughout my life I saw woman to constantly complain about men over and over and I ended up feeling ashamed for all mankind. I was groomed to be an ear for women of my household been the youngest, protected, loved but constantly over-sighted & you might have guessed it right by now, it was by my mom and it still effects me deeply. I want to feel more manly in a nutshell, nothing on dominance side as such but more confident. Hopefully this is a blind place for posting and hard to traceback. Probably I should also delete the next part. I used to have wet dreams alot at night, sometime multiple times a night, precum a ton when turned on that you can fill buckets with, but didn't "know" masturbation till I was 25, literally WTF. I thought precum is how u make babies, naive and stupid ...... how I discovered ejaculation while been not asleep was an eye opener. A large part of me just want to hang out shirtless, goof around and some soft intimate with a man probably meeting some of my younger year fantasies ... sometimes its less sexual more of a feeling I am equal and an adequate man. When I discovered masturbation I was like what else I am missing or don't know.

thank you guys for all the replies and sort of encouragements. Well grew up in super religious household @KensingtonHomo you guess it right .... I am somehow more into intimacy is what I feel like. Man's dick an't that attractive to me or I should say less attractive, so anal is for sure out. Men's normal hairy chest with normal build attracts me the most ... with a cute attractive manly face. I have tried massages before, one time I had a best of the best massage but I was not attracted to that guy at all it was a normal one time booking with that messure but that guy gave me an unexpected HJ which was a total shock, I should have stopped him but somehow couldn't and I hated the whole experience. I didn't try massage for about a year or so afterwards. Other one or two times were so so and felt like lack of connection or a bit of attraction.

@keroscenefire somehow unable to select your message directly to reply. Thats why I am not wasting escort's time by asking silly questions. Grindr I have never downloaded, not sure if my # will get tied to it. I have two phones one personal and one office. Personal I don't want to download to for sure, in case I download to office I am not sure the history will be kept or completely wiped off in case i delete the App afterwards, life is complicated. Sniffers I have been on a few time to observe, its hard to click or like someone, with Escort you are more sure atleast this the guy you want to hang out for an hour or so ...