BlackSheep

I am regularly in big red in stock market since 5 years. My strategy has always been tech & biotecch stocks, but I am always at buy high sell low cycle with a regular losses. From 2021 I am down ~175k, I have burn a lot of cash ... and that is having an impact on all aspects of my finances & mental health including paying off CCs.
I have group of friends who are super successful, atleast thats what they share. I am a regular loser in this. When I ask for any stock tip, it has always resulted into buy high and sell at a loss :(. Not sure why I was blind sided by MU, SNDK and other stocks when I was burning cash on other useless tech stock like in Quantum from past year.
Now with these losses, I am thinking I should have invested in EFTs and good one like VGT or SMH instead ... I am left with no cash .. and no way to come out of this big hole ... even mortgage is getting into a problem ... I haven't mentioned LoC I had to tap into for divorce ...  I am in cycle of debt and not coming out of it ... None of stock buys from past years to save, invest and replenish has worked so far ...  

I am regularly in big red in stock market since 5 years. My strategy has always been tech & biotecch stocks, but I am always at buy high sell low cycle with a regular losses. From 2021 I am down ~175k, I have burn a lot of cash ... and that is having an impact on all aspects of my finances & mental health including paying off CCs.
I have group of friends who are super successful, atleast thats what they share. I am a regular loser in this. When I ask for any stock tip, it has always resulted into buy high and sell at a loss :(. Not sure why I was blind sided by MU, SNDK and other stocks when I was burning cash on other useless tech stock like in Quantum from past year.
Now with these losses, I am thinking I should have invested in EFTs and good one like VGT or SMH instead ... I am left with no cash .. and no way to come out of this big hole ... even mortgage is getting into a problem ... I haven't mentioned LoC I had to tap into for divorce ...  I am in cycle of debt and not coming out of it ... None of stock buys from past years to save, invest and replenish has worked so far ...  

I borrowed $30k from someone I knew for a month for a specific purpose. When the money hit my account, the purpose was met and it was extra, not required anymore. I thought why return it right away, let me get some Space related stocks as they were hot going up and up a month back. My portfolio was already red for the year, not good spot to be in, I invested .... market is a shit show now, I am down close to ~65% or more total YTD ....  Now I need to return ... I need to return by the 15th atleast half ... and rest by next week .... 
There are only two options .... liquidate with a major loss ... like my portfolio will be left with $5k ... or the second option is to take a loan on my 401k which has $200k, this will be second loan, I made a commitment to self no more 401k loans ... if I take the loan and when the market bounces back in a month or two esp. Space stocks including NASA ETF ..... I will pay off 401k ..... 
I can't sleep at nights any more ......  any suggestions liquidate or take 401k loan? .... Stocks have never been profitable for me, but I keep on coming back hoping I will make it work one day .... 
Pls be kind, I know it was a mistake to invest.

LOL. I had a feeling someone was going to ask me to expand on the Campus once I mentioned it! I was going to save that for another day, but oh well... since you asked, and I'm still up, I'll tell you about that place.
The Campus was in a seedier area of San Francisco, not nearly as polished or clean like the Nob. (I think it was called the Tenderloin.) But it had a great group of young strippers, all kinds, and lots more excitement to be had.
The Campus had three floors, the top being for strippers only... then the main floor with a theater and stage structurally like the Nob (but again, no velvet curtains or its far more comfy chairs)... as well as a hallway in front and the stripper schedule on a board next to photos of each stripper, plus the ticket booth in the very front... and then a basement that had, among other things, a small maze, an arena where they had other smaller (but more intimate) shows, and a shower room with a wooden door and a latch and a shower that likely didn't work, lol. 
Most of the fun was to be had in the arena and the shower room. The arena was constructed with perhaps 3-4 wooden steps in a semi-circle, where you can sit on the step or climb it to get to the next... and a small open area on the floor in the center and in the front. Strippers would strip in the small area in front, then go guy to guy in the arena, where you'd see many of the patrons giving the strippers blowjobs right there, one after another. Tempting as it may have been, that's a little too risque for me... not to mention, I was still relatively inexperienced back then, my Nob Hill "education" notwithstanding. But it was definitely hot to watch. Sometimes, the stripper would play with your cock too if you had it out in the open, something that, at that point, I was very comfortable in doing.
The shower room was on the other side, with some sofas outside of it. You'd wait your turn, though guys often stood next to the door to the shower room as it didn't close fully, so you could sometimes see what was going on through the slight opening, giving the whole experience some extra voyeuristic heat. As I recall it was $10 then, which you'd give to the stripper when it was your turn in the shower room, and you'd get maybe five minutes for some private interaction. At the very least, he'd jack you, but you could suck him, a few might suck you, and sometimes you could really get into a hot kissing scene too. I remember a couple really cute strippers I enjoyed interacting with, including one Latin kid, my age, who was really attractive and had that smile that always gets me... and was an amazing kisser. An instant crush for me. I saw him a couple times when I visited across some months, and he would recognize me and smile as he took me into his arms and began making out with me like a long-lost lover each time.
What made the Campus even more fun is that they later added what everyone of course hoped for: two-man shows a couple times daily, a five-man show on weekends, and then four times a year, a 20-man show... that weren't so much strip shows as they were all-out sex shows.
So for the two-man shows, which took place in the arena, the two strippers would start by stripping, making out with each other, blowing each other while everyone watched; then they'd go guy to guy and offer their cocks for each guy to play with and/or suck. Patrons would be jacking openly, and everyone would be celebrating male camaraderie at its finest and having a grand old time.
Now that I was several months into my strip club adventures, and a bit more experienced (but still never had a boyfriend and was closeted in my own life at that point), I welcomed the boundaries getting pushed, as new excitement kept everything so thrilling. So when I heard about the 20-man shows, that same nervous sexual adrenaline rush built within me instantly, and I knew I had to go experience that.
Thankfully, I got to the Campus early enough because they sold-out shortly after. It would've been a massive bummer to have flown to SF only to not be able to enter! The place was packed.
I think the show was around 8pm, so as the start time approached, everyone made their way to the main theater. It was always a bit awkward grabbing a seat between two guys you don't know—especially as they’re likely going to be jacking off next to you as you may be doing too—but most guys were pretty respectful, keeping their hands to themselves unless otherwise invited. I don’t remember the guy to my left, but I do remember the guy to my right who was relatively cute, Latin or maybe Middle Eastern, probably a bit younger than me. He sorta reminded me of myself when I first began as he seemed excited but tentative, keeping his pants zipped at this point in time.... as did I when the show began. That said, it didn't take long for me to see my neighbor rubbing himself through his pants, and I wondered if he'd be able to resist pulling his dick out like the rest of us. Time would tell. 
So, the way the 20-man show worked is that the announcer would introduce 5 strippers at a time. They'd come out on stage, strip, start jacking, and then kiss and/or go down on each other on the stage.
Cocks everywhere in the audience would be getting pulled out as you could feel the sexual heat in the room rising as if the physical temperature were literally getting hotter. Like I said, by this point in my journey, I had no hesitation pulling my dick out too, but I was conscious of the kid next to me who didn't yet pull his out... so I didn't whip mine out yet either, hard as we both obviously were.
After a handful of minutes, the five strippers on stage would start making their way into the audience, many of whom would openly suck the strippers' cocks, while strippers made out with each other, or played with the audience's cocks as well or sucked each's cocks in rows with the audience or in the aisles. And then the next group of five would be introduced and come out, and proceed to strip and have sex with each other on stage. Then, they'd join the other five in the audience as the next five came out, and this would continue until all twenty horny, naked, erect strippers were everywhere amongst the audience, most of whom were openly jacking. It was as crazy as it was so hot to be a part of.
What was fantastic is that unlike my early days at the Nob (as described above), when I'd wait for one stripper to make his way through dozens of guys to get to me, at the 20-man show I literally had a stripper in front of me or within an arm’s reach more often than not for most of the show.
Still, it wasn't until a group of five strippers came out with my Latin crush in it that my heart started pounding even faster. I was curious how eagerly he'd have sex with the other strippers, as I never saw him interact with others. On stage, he got blown by one of them, but seemed to be going through the motions (or so I imagined, as I really wanted to believe that I was the one he truly wanted lol....).
Meanwhile, other strippers would give me and my buddy to my right lap dances, and we’d be stroking cock after cock after cock.... while everyone was just having the hottest time with the music pulsating. And the strippers clearly loved the attention... and the sex. But all this was a blur, for my eyes were really focused on two people: My neighbor to my right and my Latin crush.
I kept checking out my young neighbor who was really excited and loving feeling all the guys and stroking them, and he kept checking me out too. It’s like we were thinking the same thing, wondering who would be first.
Finally, as we looked at each other, I decided to be more of a mentor (lol--I still was in the closet!), and took the first step of pulling my dick out, loving that he was watching me as I did... at which point, he immediately unzipped and pulled his cock out too as he watched me watch him. I loved how aware we were of each other's cock-visibility status, lol, and how we were clearly having fun together.
Plus, that made the strippers even more interactive with us, as they'd play with both our dicks. And we also got a lot more love from the strippers likely due to our age. I remember one stripper asking us if we were boyfriends, lol. Even though we said no, he urged us to play with each other, so we stroked each other, which seemed to please the stripper as he told us it was hot and invited us to stroke him too, which we did together.
Finally, my stripper crush, the Latin kid I love kissing, made his way to me and flashed that engaging smile of his I loved, and sat on my lap and immediately started making out with me passionately. I remember my new friend next to me watching us (I imagined with envy), which I really loved, and at one point my friend reached over and jacked my crush as well. I was okay sharing my crush with my new friend lol, but I wouldn’t have liked it if someone else did that uninvited! Still, my crush kept his tongue firmly in my mouth, and I hadn't seen him kissing anyone else... so I felt special, in my own imagination at least!
Meanwhile, another stripper joined the three of us and stood before my new friend, and egged my crush to give his cock some attention. So my crush turned and proceeded to suck the stripper right in front of our faces while still seated on my lap. I have to confess, I felt a pang of jealousy watching my future husband sucking this stripper's cock. At a certain point, my crush motioned for me to join him and taste his friend's cock with him, which was thoughtful, but while I made an exception for mouth-to-mouth action with my crush and sorta loved the idea of both our mouths on a cock together, I couldn't help but think of all the other patrons' mouths that were likely wrapped around that stripper's cock in the minutes before….
So instead, I said I thought my friend to my right was feeling left out, at which point this once seemingly shy tentative kid next to me eagerly took that stripper's entire cock in his mouth, giving him an impressively deep and passionate blowjob, while my crush proceeded to kiss me more and rub his hard dick against mine.
Alas, all good things come to an end, and my crush had to move on to the others but whispered to me to find him afterwards, parting with the sweetest smile. 
This was one of the hottest events I had ever attended at these clubs. Everyone was having a great time. Cum started flying all about as some of the strippers exploded in aisles and guys in the audience had orgasms, shooting loads onto back of seats or wherever. And my new friend couldn't hold back any more and finally came in his seat. He quickly zipped up and left (it was a short friendship lol), and not long afterwards, the show came to an end, at which point some of the strippers went downstairs to continue working for tips.
I hadn't yet cum and went to find my crush, who was downstairs already and immediately upon seeing me pulled me to the side of the arena and started kissing me in front of everyone. He then unzipped me and pulled my pants down and started sucking me as patrons and other strippers jacked off watching us if not cheering us on. I remember he'd stand up again to make out with me some more, then go back to sucking my cock. We both finally came together, at which point I think we even got some applause lol. That was the last time I saw my crush. He was a hot time all on his own, but with the 20-man show this was definitely one of the hottest times I'll ever have.
Man, I wish I could relive these experiences somewhere, some day again!
 
I did see clips of patrons getting it on with strippers at a strip club in Mexico called Cabinas Funny. It reminds me a lot of the Campus, though it's even smaller. Still, it's hot; the patrons aren't bad-looking either. But much as I would love to relive this experience one more time by going there, the fact they're on the Internet without their faces blurred in most videos confirms, unfortunately, that just isn't going to happen. But the clips sure make a visit tempting.
So, hot massage parlors are probably my limitation for now, for illicit as the fun can be, at least we can be more discreet there.
 
Hey, @Claym, I hope I didn't let you down with the read.

I was in my early 20s, on my first business trip, in San Francisco. As the cab made its way up to the Mark Hopkins Hotel on Nob Hill, I saw a few blocks below, the Nob Hill Theater, which immediately got my curiosities going. I had never been with a guy, grew up liking girls, but started getting certain curiosities near the end of college, curiosities I hadn't shared with anyone.

So one afternoon, finally, I was able to get away from the conference I was at, and I ventured down to the Nob, so nervous that I literally had butterflies in my stomach. I paid the entrance fee and went into the theater, and sat near the back. There were only 5-6 guys in the theater, as it was mid-afternoon on a week day, and they were playing porn, which they interrupted for an afternoon stripper performance.

The announcer says on the PA system, and I'll never forget it, "If you like what you see, feel free to whip yours out and show us." Those butterflies in my stomach went to a whole new level--nervousness and excitement all mixed together. I never even thought people might do something like that, such an innocent inexperienced young lad I was.

Anyway, the curtains opened to reveal a hot college-age smooth-bodied Asian guy dancing on stage as he quickly shed his clothes and revealed a full erection. Then, he proceeded into the audience to give a lapdance to each of the men there. The announcer did say you can touch him anywhere but his cock, but no one seemed to pay attention to that, as some of the guys not only touched him all about, but stroked his cock, and even sucked on his nipples.
Finally, he ended up before me, when I summoned enough courage to put my hand on his chest and feel his defined body, and in that moment, I knew a new chapter of my life just began: I didn't have the guts to touch his cock (or to "whip" mine out), but I couldn't get enough of the excitement I was feeling with my hand on another man for the very first time.

I went back a couple of times that week to the theater, including a night show, when there was a much bigger audience. The sight of the audience, 75% of whom had their dicks exposed as they jacked freely or gave each other a hand, was a monstrous turn-on. Maybe a third to nearly half the audience were guys in their 20s and 30s, so it was cool to see some other people like me there. I wondered if they were in the closet like I was; some were really good-looking but almost everyone seemed to be there on their own.
Some strippers played by the rules, and others were much more generous with the touching. Still, I didn't have the guts to whip my dick out, and ultimately would masturbate myself through my pants and cum without exposing myself to any of the other guys.
The next few months, as I remained in the closet, I would secretly fly to SF about once monthly to explore this thrilling new side to my life. Male strippers and a masturbating audience became my gay sex outlet.  In hindsight, this likely skewed the rest of my sex life, because this kind of illicit fun still really turns me on today, which is probably why I get into massage sex at parlors, which is far more discreet but still feels "so wrong yet so right." (Thank God there were no iPhone cameras back then, or I could be in real trouble with today's facial rec apps and my professional image.)
Finally, that fateful day arrived, a few months later: It was a night show, and the place was packed. Almost every seat was filled. I barely managed to find a seat, as I heard the announcer say the same opening line that would always give me a shot of nervous adrenaline. The curtains opened and revealed a cute 20-something Caucasian stripper, who was totally my type, boyish with a smile to kill and an athletic hot smooth body and a very admirable dick. He quickly stripped and then began to work his way through the large audience, one guy at a time. Meanwhile, I'm seeing guys around me, one by one, start unzipping their pants, some subtly stroking, others unabashedly pulling their cocks out and jerking off as if proudly before all. 

Now, you have to picture, they had a spotlight following the stripper as he made his way from guy to guy. On the one hand, I was always nervous about bumping into someone I may know since I wasn't ready to out myself, but the excitement was just too much for me to hide in the back row, which was reserved for those who didn't want interaction with the stripper.

So the cute stripper at last makes his way to me, and teases, "What do we have here?" And he begins to flirt with me, touching me everywhere as he sits on my lap, working his hands down my body as he begins to unbutton and unzip my pants, pulling my cock out and jacking me in front of everybody. Not only that, he then leans forward and deep-kisses me right there in my seat. I couldn't believe what was happening, but I just gave in. He takes my hand and puts it on his dick, the very first time I'm touching another guy's erection. He then grabs both his dick and mine together in his hand and jerks us together as he kisses me some more. 
As much as I was into what was happening in the moment, I was also aware that guys were leaning forward from behind or from the row in front, jacking their dicks, as they watched us getting it on. And there I am, totally in the closet, worried about being found-out, with a hot stripper masturbating me and kissing me in the spotlight for the entire audience to see. I was nearly ready to cum when the cutie whispered to me, "Hold it in, and see me after the show." When he left me to go to the next guy, I can't even describe the feeling: There's something so sexy about that nervous feeling combined with a sexual adrenaline rush, and it's still something that turns me on today.

Needless to say, from then on, I had no difficulties whipping my dick out at the Nob.

As for the stripper, after the show, he pulled me into a booth that had a glass window through which we can see strippers shower, and as another stripper was showering and then came to the glass window to jack off and encourage us, the cute stripper goes down on my cock and sucks me to fruition.

And that was my introduction to gay sex!
 
Second-favorite club experience: The 20-man stripper shows at the Campus Theater (which really took things much further than the Nob)... Four times a year. I managed to fly to SF for a couple of those shows and you'd have to get there extra early because they'd be sold-out 2-3 hours before the show even began. All I can say is, wow!
 
Sadly, these places fast declined or closed not too many years after I discovered them. First, Campus shut its doors... and though the Nob lasted a while longer, it started to showcase a much rougher looking group of strippers in its later years before finally shutting down as well. I often feel badly for our younger gay peers who never got to experience this kind of fun, but I'm lucky these clubs/theaters aren't around today, in the age of iPhone cameras, or the conflict between my brain and my dick would cause me constant torment.

About 4 years back I was watching some random award wining LGBT movie. While watching I felt it was kind of ok, not too good not too bad either, I was kind of fwd it a bit here and there ... and when it was around 80% done, one of the guy said a line and I had to pause, this is the line I said many many years ago .... and I started to cry with tears, I never cry ... I didn't cry over divorce and a ton of other things but there was a pain I never knew in my heart and I cried  ... there was ton of memories I had never visited buried in a grave yard of years  .... afterwards I cried for days, weeks and kid you not for 3-4 months 
I realized movie had a lot of overlap with my childhood story. I remember seeing my that friend first time I had a huge crush on, even when I hadn't spoken to him by then, we were probably 5-6 years old, I met him in our local neighborhood where he temp moved in .. and after few days he was in my school and in the same class, after 2 years or so we were in the same neighborhood and our houses were close by. Once I moved near his place we were inseparable. We would go to school together, come home together, eat at either one of our homes lunch and dinner, do home work together, play sports together, everyday starting age 8 till we turned 14. Now I feel he had a huge crush on me as well. He will imitate everything I do, would stare at me occasionally and always show huge affection towards me. I was kind of nonchalant back then. 
As we were growing up, things started to change fast,  one fine day he got really mad at me for calling some random girl he was pretending to have a huge crush on some normal nick name. He showed macho moves and that fight surprisingly ended things then and there. During that fight he called me names and said never to talk to him. When I reflect back he was immature in many ways during our growing up time as well.
After school we went to different colleges, never bumped into each other except at one event, our families knew each other very well, college started, he went to a different country, I got his # and called him up one night after many years, we spoke for few min but things were not the same. Ultimately I moved to the same country. A long time ago I was in a subway, and I felt the person in the cart must be him, by that time we were in our early 20s. I was staring at him, called his name in a low tone the person remaind quiet, and ultimately a stop came he disembark but did look back. I did Google afterwards and it seemed he did graduate from the school the subway he stepped out at.
I bumped into his sister after few years, she took my #, according to her he had visited her # of times, and he was planning to visit again, but he never bothered to reach out. He is married with kids and so do I.
I am a totally different person now, the time and life experiences have surely changed me. I am not sure why I cried for those few months either remembering pure friendship for the one who was also close to heart, or it is the loneliness I find myself in these days. I was also sad thinking if we would have remained friends life would have been alot different then what is now for sure. All my childhood friends knew how close we were & if I ever meet anyone they would surely ask if I am in touch with him, as everyone was also surprised we never connected after that stupid fight.
I some times dream of him us talking, I also think what would I do if we bump into each other, if he rings my home bell. I remember his hands, his face so well after so many years.His sister has moved out, he lives on a different coast, our lives might never intersect. Many years back, after meeting his sister one of his parents called me out of blue and we spoke for half an hour or so. We still have some lose common connections, can get our #s with little to no effort. I feel I have tried reaching out a few times, added him to FB, when FB just started hoping to remain intouch but ultimately he removed me from his list or doesn't use FB any more... 
Movie rekindled old memories of around 8 years we were together almost each day ... everything happens due to a reason .... somehow there is a hole in my heart, probably there shouldn't be one.
People can be unbelievable cruel
 
 

@TonyDownhonestly I don't want to know the reason what I did in my childhood that was surely unintentional and I can't change that for sure, how he acted might be a last straw as others have commented which seems to be true at the moment. If our friendship was that painful and I was unaware by that time there was indeed something wrong with me & I did receive a big reality check. I grew up in a protected env. and that lesson should have been an eye opening one and should have made me stronger instead it bruised me in a way that I kept on seeking close friendships, I am scared to this day in back of my mind I read people wrong and they don't like me or doesn't want to be with me, this is just a phase and there is some agenda, once that is over this friendship or link will be over. 
Instead of writing a letter to my friend, I should write a letter to myself to make myself stronger and also forgive myself. I shouldn't have one close friend or one circle, instead I should have multiple and one event shouldn't have this much impact on me, no matter how handsome or good time I had spent with that friend growing up. I should have healed a long time ago and future cases req healing should have been faster.
I did very clearly stated to his sister that I would really like to meet him, when I talked to his mother I was very explicit asking how he is doing, what he is doing etc. Everyone present at the time knows we were inseparable ... literally we will not eat food without the other one present ... our evenings would spend cycling the whole neighbourhood  and doing all sort of adventures together ... 
@BSRmy read has always been he was more into me growing up, then I was into him - he was always extra nice and caring ... will show up to my place I believe more often then I going to his place ... he was few months older .. he must be hitting puberty before me ... and I hit puberty right around the time we broke off .... which wasn't a good time for me ....
As I reflect my assessment was (and is) we were products of two very different worlds ... he and his family were super liberal and easy going ..... we were (and are) super conservative & protective .... he used to make some derogative comments here and there  ...... probably this was bound to happen - he saw an opportunity and put me at my place .....
Guys I really appreciate all your comments, it is therapeutic for me 

@TonyDownhonestly I don't want to know the reason what I did in my childhood that was surely unintentional and I can't change that for sure, how he acted might be a last straw as others have commented which seems to be true at the moment. If our friendship was that painful and I was unaware by that time there was indeed something wrong with me & I did receive a big reality check. I grew up in a protected env. and that lesson should have been an eye opening one and should have made me stronger instead it bruised me in a way that I kept on seeking close friendships, I am scared to this day in back of my mind I read people wrong and they don't like me or doesn't want to be with me, this is just a phase and there is some agenda, once that is over this friendship or link will be over. 
Instead of writing a letter to my friend, I should write a letter to myself to make myself stronger and also forgive myself. I shouldn't have one close friend or one circle, instead I should have multiple and one event shouldn't have this much impact on me, no matter how handsome or good time I had spent with that friend growing up. I should have healed a long time ago and future cases req healing should have been faster.
I did very clearly stated to his sister that I would really like to meet him, when I talked to his mother I was very explicit asking how he is doing, what he is doing etc. Everyone present at the time knows we were inseparable ... literally we will not eat food without the other one present ... our evenings would spend cycling the whole neighbourhood  and doing all sort of adventures together ... 
@BSRmy read has always been he was more into me growing up, then I was into him - he was always extra nice and caring ... will show up to my place I believe more often then I going to his place ... he was few months older .. he must be hitting puberty before me ... and I hit puberty right around the time we broke off .... which wasn't a good time for me ....
As I reflect my assessment was (and is) we were products of two very different worlds ... he and his family were super liberal and easy going ..... we were (and are) super conservative & protective .... he used to make some derogative comments here and there  ...... probably this was bound to happen - he saw an opportunity and put me at my place .....
Guys I really appreciate all your comments, it is therapeutic for me 

About 4 years back I was watching some random award wining LGBT movie. While watching I felt it was kind of ok, not too good not too bad either, I was kind of fwd it a bit here and there ... and when it was around 80% done, one of the guy said a line and I had to pause, this is the line I said many many years ago .... and I started to cry with tears, I never cry ... I didn't cry over divorce and a ton of other things but there was a pain I never knew in my heart and I cried  ... there was ton of memories I had never visited buried in a grave yard of years  .... afterwards I cried for days, weeks and kid you not for 3-4 months 
I realized movie had a lot of overlap with my childhood story. I remember seeing my that friend first time I had a huge crush on, even when I hadn't spoken to him by then, we were probably 5-6 years old, I met him in our local neighborhood where he temp moved in .. and after few days he was in my school and in the same class, after 2 years or so we were in the same neighborhood and our houses were close by. Once I moved near his place we were inseparable. We would go to school together, come home together, eat at either one of our homes lunch and dinner, do home work together, play sports together, everyday starting age 8 till we turned 14. Now I feel he had a huge crush on me as well. He will imitate everything I do, would stare at me occasionally and always show huge affection towards me. I was kind of nonchalant back then. 
As we were growing up, things started to change fast,  one fine day he got really mad at me for calling some random girl he was pretending to have a huge crush on some normal nick name. He showed macho moves and that fight surprisingly ended things then and there. During that fight he called me names and said never to talk to him. When I reflect back he was immature in many ways during our growing up time as well.
After school we went to different colleges, never bumped into each other except at one event, our families knew each other very well, college started, he went to a different country, I got his # and called him up one night after many years, we spoke for few min but things were not the same. Ultimately I moved to the same country. A long time ago I was in a subway, and I felt the person in the cart must be him, by that time we were in our early 20s. I was staring at him, called his name in a low tone the person remaind quiet, and ultimately a stop came he disembark but did look back. I did Google afterwards and it seemed he did graduate from the school the subway he stepped out at.
I bumped into his sister after few years, she took my #, according to her he had visited her # of times, and he was planning to visit again, but he never bothered to reach out. He is married with kids and so do I.
I am a totally different person now, the time and life experiences have surely changed me. I am not sure why I cried for those few months either remembering pure friendship for the one who was also close to heart, or it is the loneliness I find myself in these days. I was also sad thinking if we would have remained friends life would have been alot different then what is now for sure. All my childhood friends knew how close we were & if I ever meet anyone they would surely ask if I am in touch with him, as everyone was also surprised we never connected after that stupid fight.
I some times dream of him us talking, I also think what would I do if we bump into each other, if he rings my home bell. I remember his hands, his face so well after so many years.His sister has moved out, he lives on a different coast, our lives might never intersect. Many years back, after meeting his sister one of his parents called me out of blue and we spoke for half an hour or so. We still have some lose common connections, can get our #s with little to no effort. I feel I have tried reaching out a few times, added him to FB, when FB just started hoping to remain intouch but ultimately he removed me from his list or doesn't use FB any more... 
Movie rekindled old memories of around 8 years we were together almost each day ... everything happens due to a reason .... somehow there is a hole in my heart, probably there shouldn't be one.
People can be unbelievable cruel
 
 

About 4 years back I was watching some random award wining LGBT movie. While watching I felt it was kind of ok, not too good not too bad either, I was kind of fwd it a bit here and there ... and when it was around 80% done, one of the guy said a line and I had to pause, this is the line I said many many years ago .... and I started to cry with tears, I never cry ... I didn't cry over divorce and a ton of other things but there was a pain I never knew in my heart and I cried  ... there was ton of memories I had never visited buried in a grave yard of years  .... afterwards I cried for days, weeks and kid you not for 3-4 months 
I realized movie had a lot of overlap with my childhood story. I remember seeing my that friend first time I had a huge crush on, even when I hadn't spoken to him by then, we were probably 5-6 years old, I met him in our local neighborhood where he temp moved in .. and after few days he was in my school and in the same class, after 2 years or so we were in the same neighborhood and our houses were close by. Once I moved near his place we were inseparable. We would go to school together, come home together, eat at either one of our homes lunch and dinner, do home work together, play sports together, everyday starting age 8 till we turned 14. Now I feel he had a huge crush on me as well. He will imitate everything I do, would stare at me occasionally and always show huge affection towards me. I was kind of nonchalant back then. 
As we were growing up, things started to change fast,  one fine day he got really mad at me for calling some random girl he was pretending to have a huge crush on some normal nick name. He showed macho moves and that fight surprisingly ended things then and there. During that fight he called me names and said never to talk to him. When I reflect back he was immature in many ways during our growing up time as well.
After school we went to different colleges, never bumped into each other except at one event, our families knew each other very well, college started, he went to a different country, I got his # and called him up one night after many years, we spoke for few min but things were not the same. Ultimately I moved to the same country. A long time ago I was in a subway, and I felt the person in the cart must be him, by that time we were in our early 20s. I was staring at him, called his name in a low tone the person remaind quiet, and ultimately a stop came he disembark but did look back. I did Google afterwards and it seemed he did graduate from the school the subway he stepped out at.
I bumped into his sister after few years, she took my #, according to her he had visited her # of times, and he was planning to visit again, but he never bothered to reach out. He is married with kids and so do I.
I am a totally different person now, the time and life experiences have surely changed me. I am not sure why I cried for those few months either remembering pure friendship for the one who was also close to heart, or it is the loneliness I find myself in these days. I was also sad thinking if we would have remained friends life would have been alot different then what is now for sure. All my childhood friends knew how close we were & if I ever meet anyone they would surely ask if I am in touch with him, as everyone was also surprised we never connected after that stupid fight.
I some times dream of him us talking, I also think what would I do if we bump into each other, if he rings my home bell. I remember his hands, his face so well after so many years.His sister has moved out, he lives on a different coast, our lives might never intersect. Many years back, after meeting his sister one of his parents called me out of blue and we spoke for half an hour or so. We still have some lose common connections, can get our #s with little to no effort. I feel I have tried reaching out a few times, added him to FB, when FB just started hoping to remain intouch but ultimately he removed me from his list or doesn't use FB any more... 
Movie rekindled old memories of around 8 years we were together almost each day ... everything happens due to a reason .... somehow there is a hole in my heart, probably there shouldn't be one.
People can be unbelievable cruel
 
 

thank you guys for giving some direct feedbacks ... really appreciate this community, I hate you guys in a loving way. I will try answering most of the things
Actual comment was not too bad in my opinion, it was the color of the outfit she was wearing at the time. I knew her much more then he did, he overreacted, when he was fighting I was kind of surprised, laughed at the time told him you are over reacting, and probably didn't read the situation correctly, I was 14 in my defense. Post that fight I always justified by telling myself our 9 years of such a close friendship should out weigh alot more then a mere comments lets say it was my mistake. I never apologized, well didn't get too much opportunity on the phone call I made to him or when we were in a common event, but I did think about it at the time, but thought he could be graceful enough to overlook that.
When I look back now, he was one sensitive guy for sure, overreacting on small things, problem been close to those sensitive types forces others to walk on eggshells bec' most of the time they never forgive.
He was the most handsome person I ever saw or been a close friend with. Green eyes, jaw line, fantastic smile and very very good looking, did I mention handsome? I was pretty attractive growing up too, as been told # of times, I did appreciate myself in mirror a lot  not anymore though .... We both used to receive love letters from girls and guys would stop to chat with us on the streets separately or together. One time I bumped into his elder brother's friend many years latter who recognized me insistently, I was in my early 20s and he blatantly said I and group of hs friends always thought I would turn out to be the most attractive and handsome person. Didn't know people discuss these things at the time. 
That friend had a feminine side, he would occasionally put nail polish that was super unusual in our part of the world or us in general growing up in late 80s. When he was pretending he was in "love" with some girl I knew deep down something is not fitting well, and probably subconsciously I was dismissive, which was wrong on my part.
I heard he became reclusive post our fight. I had hard time making new friends, I would drop friendship before getting dumped again, which was not right. I am still in that realm a bit, its super hard to make new friends now. Probably a topic for another thread the mistakes or patterns I have repeated post that fight - I am in my last digit of 40s, so strange life flew by so quickly and so little to show by now. 
About the movie, there was a fight and the guy said "we never met after that", and I had to pause and all of a sudden started remembering saying the same line after having a fight we never met again after that fight. 
Therapist I dearly love charges $450 an hour, I truly appreciate that therapist, he was the first person I admitted I have huge attraction towards both genders. I try meeting with therapist once a year, and in 55 min. calls there are always more then 10 things to discuss. I did bring it in our call once I had those crying episodes over, he said plainly, you both are very different people now, you recognized that don't spend time fantasizing what could have been there or not, you need to move on, but the pain and regret is there but a lot less now for sure. 
I do miss having very close knit of friends, I am lucky to have may be one for all platonic needs I can call any time of day or night and he would answer, listen ... but for many years this is flowing other way, I am a big listening ear he can call any time and I help fix things. This friend of mine is no match to the closeness I felt with my childhood friend. This friend of mine is a College fellow and always shuts down in a jealous way if he ever finds out I am having any financial or office success (unfortunately)  ... but for all the people he sticked around, checking on me when no one else did ... which I truly appreciate about him.

thank you guys for giving some direct feedbacks ... really appreciate this community, I hate you guys in a loving way. I will try answering most of the things
Actual comment was not too bad in my opinion, it was the color of the outfit she was wearing at the time. I knew her much more then he did, he overreacted, when he was fighting I was kind of surprised, laughed at the time told him you are over reacting, and probably didn't read the situation correctly, I was 14 in my defense. Post that fight I always justified by telling myself our 9 years of such a close friendship should out weigh alot more then a mere comments lets say it was my mistake. I never apologized, well didn't get too much opportunity on the phone call I made to him or when we were in a common event, but I did think about it at the time, but thought he could be graceful enough to overlook that.
When I look back now, he was one sensitive guy for sure, overreacting on small things, problem been close to those sensitive types forces others to walk on eggshells bec' most of the time they never forgive.
He was the most handsome person I ever saw or been a close friend with. Green eyes, jaw line, fantastic smile and very very good looking, did I mention handsome? I was pretty attractive growing up too, as been told # of times, I did appreciate myself in mirror a lot  not anymore though .... We both used to receive love letters from girls and guys would stop to chat with us on the streets separately or together. One time I bumped into his elder brother's friend many years latter who recognized me insistently, I was in my early 20s and he blatantly said I and group of hs friends always thought I would turn out to be the most attractive and handsome person. Didn't know people discuss these things at the time. 
That friend had a feminine side, he would occasionally put nail polish that was super unusual in our part of the world or us in general growing up in late 80s. When he was pretending he was in "love" with some girl I knew deep down something is not fitting well, and probably subconsciously I was dismissive, which was wrong on my part.
I heard he became reclusive post our fight. I had hard time making new friends, I would drop friendship before getting dumped again, which was not right. I am still in that realm a bit, its super hard to make new friends now. Probably a topic for another thread the mistakes or patterns I have repeated post that fight - I am in my last digit of 40s, so strange life flew by so quickly and so little to show by now. 
About the movie, there was a fight and the guy said "we never met after that", and I had to pause and all of a sudden started remembering saying the same line after having a fight we never met again after that fight. 
Therapist I dearly love charges $450 an hour, I truly appreciate that therapist, he was the first person I admitted I have huge attraction towards both genders. I try meeting with therapist once a year, and in 55 min. calls there are always more then 10 things to discuss. I did bring it in our call once I had those crying episodes over, he said plainly, you both are very different people now, you recognized that don't spend time fantasizing what could have been there or not, you need to move on, but the pain and regret is there but a lot less now for sure. 
I do miss having very close knit of friends, I am lucky to have may be one for all platonic needs I can call any time of day or night and he would answer, listen ... but for many years this is flowing other way, I am a big listening ear he can call any time and I help fix things. This friend of mine is no match to the closeness I felt with my childhood friend. This friend of mine is a College fellow and always shuts down in a jealous way if he ever finds out I am having any financial or office success (unfortunately)  ... but for all the people he sticked around, checking on me when no one else did ... which I truly appreciate about him.

Not being an expert in this but with a lifetime of experience (78 years) I would say you are experiencing unrequited love. It’s a bitter pill to be on the receiving end.
Most of us have had this at some time in our lives. It takes maturity to overcome it and move on. Unfortunately we can develop a hard outer shell to try to protect ourselves from future episodes. 
The best strategy is to try to put the person out of your thoughts and focus on those in your life who will return your affection and even your love. Sometimes that person will come back as it did for you watching a movie. But crying for months is not the solution to getting your life back on track. 
 
Good luck. You seem to have a lot going for you so you shouldn’t despair. 

About 4 years back I was watching some random award wining LGBT movie. While watching I felt it was kind of ok, not too good not too bad either, I was kind of fwd it a bit here and there ... and when it was around 80% done, one of the guy said a line and I had to pause, this is the line I said many many years ago .... and I started to cry with tears, I never cry ... I didn't cry over divorce and a ton of other things but there was a pain I never knew in my heart and I cried  ... there was ton of memories I had never visited buried in a grave yard of years  .... afterwards I cried for days, weeks and kid you not for 3-4 months 
I realized movie had a lot of overlap with my childhood story. I remember seeing my that friend first time I had a huge crush on, even when I hadn't spoken to him by then, we were probably 5-6 years old, I met him in our local neighborhood where he temp moved in .. and after few days he was in my school and in the same class, after 2 years or so we were in the same neighborhood and our houses were close by. Once I moved near his place we were inseparable. We would go to school together, come home together, eat at either one of our homes lunch and dinner, do home work together, play sports together, everyday starting age 8 till we turned 14. Now I feel he had a huge crush on me as well. He will imitate everything I do, would stare at me occasionally and always show huge affection towards me. I was kind of nonchalant back then. 
As we were growing up, things started to change fast,  one fine day he got really mad at me for calling some random girl he was pretending to have a huge crush on some normal nick name. He showed macho moves and that fight surprisingly ended things then and there. During that fight he called me names and said never to talk to him. When I reflect back he was immature in many ways during our growing up time as well.
After school we went to different colleges, never bumped into each other except at one event, our families knew each other very well, college started, he went to a different country, I got his # and called him up one night after many years, we spoke for few min but things were not the same. Ultimately I moved to the same country. A long time ago I was in a subway, and I felt the person in the cart must be him, by that time we were in our early 20s. I was staring at him, called his name in a low tone the person remaind quiet, and ultimately a stop came he disembark but did look back. I did Google afterwards and it seemed he did graduate from the school the subway he stepped out at.
I bumped into his sister after few years, she took my #, according to her he had visited her # of times, and he was planning to visit again, but he never bothered to reach out. He is married with kids and so do I.
I am a totally different person now, the time and life experiences have surely changed me. I am not sure why I cried for those few months either remembering pure friendship for the one who was also close to heart, or it is the loneliness I find myself in these days. I was also sad thinking if we would have remained friends life would have been alot different then what is now for sure. All my childhood friends knew how close we were & if I ever meet anyone they would surely ask if I am in touch with him, as everyone was also surprised we never connected after that stupid fight.
I some times dream of him us talking, I also think what would I do if we bump into each other, if he rings my home bell. I remember his hands, his face so well after so many years.His sister has moved out, he lives on a different coast, our lives might never intersect. Many years back, after meeting his sister one of his parents called me out of blue and we spoke for half an hour or so. We still have some lose common connections, can get our #s with little to no effort. I feel I have tried reaching out a few times, added him to FB, when FB just started hoping to remain intouch but ultimately he removed me from his list or doesn't use FB any more... 
Movie rekindled old memories of around 8 years we were together almost each day ... everything happens due to a reason .... somehow there is a hole in my heart, probably there shouldn't be one.
People can be unbelievable cruel
 
 

About 4 years back I was watching some random award wining LGBT movie. While watching I felt it was kind of ok, not too good not too bad either, I was kind of fwd it a bit here and there ... and when it was around 80% done, one of the guy said a line and I had to pause, this is the line I said many many years ago .... and I started to cry with tears, I never cry ... I didn't cry over divorce and a ton of other things but there was a pain I never knew in my heart and I cried  ... there was ton of memories I had never visited buried in a grave yard of years  .... afterwards I cried for days, weeks and kid you not for 3-4 months 
I realized movie had a lot of overlap with my childhood story. I remember seeing my that friend first time I had a huge crush on, even when I hadn't spoken to him by then, we were probably 5-6 years old, I met him in our local neighborhood where he temp moved in .. and after few days he was in my school and in the same class, after 2 years or so we were in the same neighborhood and our houses were close by. Once I moved near his place we were inseparable. We would go to school together, come home together, eat at either one of our homes lunch and dinner, do home work together, play sports together, everyday starting age 8 till we turned 14. Now I feel he had a huge crush on me as well. He will imitate everything I do, would stare at me occasionally and always show huge affection towards me. I was kind of nonchalant back then. 
As we were growing up, things started to change fast,  one fine day he got really mad at me for calling some random girl he was pretending to have a huge crush on some normal nick name. He showed macho moves and that fight surprisingly ended things then and there. During that fight he called me names and said never to talk to him. When I reflect back he was immature in many ways during our growing up time as well.
After school we went to different colleges, never bumped into each other except at one event, our families knew each other very well, college started, he went to a different country, I got his # and called him up one night after many years, we spoke for few min but things were not the same. Ultimately I moved to the same country. A long time ago I was in a subway, and I felt the person in the cart must be him, by that time we were in our early 20s. I was staring at him, called his name in a low tone the person remaind quiet, and ultimately a stop came he disembark but did look back. I did Google afterwards and it seemed he did graduate from the school the subway he stepped out at.
I bumped into his sister after few years, she took my #, according to her he had visited her # of times, and he was planning to visit again, but he never bothered to reach out. He is married with kids and so do I.
I am a totally different person now, the time and life experiences have surely changed me. I am not sure why I cried for those few months either remembering pure friendship for the one who was also close to heart, or it is the loneliness I find myself in these days. I was also sad thinking if we would have remained friends life would have been alot different then what is now for sure. All my childhood friends knew how close we were & if I ever meet anyone they would surely ask if I am in touch with him, as everyone was also surprised we never connected after that stupid fight.
I some times dream of him us talking, I also think what would I do if we bump into each other, if he rings my home bell. I remember his hands, his face so well after so many years.His sister has moved out, he lives on a different coast, our lives might never intersect. Many years back, after meeting his sister one of his parents called me out of blue and we spoke for half an hour or so. We still have some lose common connections, can get our #s with little to no effort. I feel I have tried reaching out a few times, added him to FB, when FB just started hoping to remain intouch but ultimately he removed me from his list or doesn't use FB any more... 
Movie rekindled old memories of around 8 years we were together almost each day ... everything happens due to a reason .... somehow there is a hole in my heart, probably there shouldn't be one.
People can be unbelievable cruel
 
 

About 4 years back I was watching some random award wining LGBT movie. While watching I felt it was kind of ok, not too good not too bad either, I was kind of fwd it a bit here and there ... and when it was around 80% done, one of the guy said a line and I had to pause, this is the line I said many many years ago .... and I started to cry with tears, I never cry ... I didn't cry over divorce and a ton of other things but there was a pain I never knew in my heart and I cried  ... there was ton of memories I had never visited buried in a grave yard of years  .... afterwards I cried for days, weeks and kid you not for 3-4 months 
I realized movie had a lot of overlap with my childhood story. I remember seeing my that friend first time I had a huge crush on, even when I hadn't spoken to him by then, we were probably 5-6 years old, I met him in our local neighborhood where he temp moved in .. and after few days he was in my school and in the same class, after 2 years or so we were in the same neighborhood and our houses were close by. Once I moved near his place we were inseparable. We would go to school together, come home together, eat at either one of our homes lunch and dinner, do home work together, play sports together, everyday starting age 8 till we turned 14. Now I feel he had a huge crush on me as well. He will imitate everything I do, would stare at me occasionally and always show huge affection towards me. I was kind of nonchalant back then. 
As we were growing up, things started to change fast,  one fine day he got really mad at me for calling some random girl he was pretending to have a huge crush on some normal nick name. He showed macho moves and that fight surprisingly ended things then and there. During that fight he called me names and said never to talk to him. When I reflect back he was immature in many ways during our growing up time as well.
After school we went to different colleges, never bumped into each other except at one event, our families knew each other very well, college started, he went to a different country, I got his # and called him up one night after many years, we spoke for few min but things were not the same. Ultimately I moved to the same country. A long time ago I was in a subway, and I felt the person in the cart must be him, by that time we were in our early 20s. I was staring at him, called his name in a low tone the person remaind quiet, and ultimately a stop came he disembark but did look back. I did Google afterwards and it seemed he did graduate from the school the subway he stepped out at.
I bumped into his sister after few years, she took my #, according to her he had visited her # of times, and he was planning to visit again, but he never bothered to reach out. He is married with kids and so do I.
I am a totally different person now, the time and life experiences have surely changed me. I am not sure why I cried for those few months either remembering pure friendship for the one who was also close to heart, or it is the loneliness I find myself in these days. I was also sad thinking if we would have remained friends life would have been alot different then what is now for sure. All my childhood friends knew how close we were & if I ever meet anyone they would surely ask if I am in touch with him, as everyone was also surprised we never connected after that stupid fight.
I some times dream of him us talking, I also think what would I do if we bump into each other, if he rings my home bell. I remember his hands, his face so well after so many years.His sister has moved out, he lives on a different coast, our lives might never intersect. Many years back, after meeting his sister one of his parents called me out of blue and we spoke for half an hour or so. We still have some lose common connections, can get our #s with little to no effort. I feel I have tried reaching out a few times, added him to FB, when FB just started hoping to remain intouch but ultimately he removed me from his list or doesn't use FB any more... 
Movie rekindled old memories of around 8 years we were together almost each day ... everything happens due to a reason .... somehow there is a hole in my heart, probably there shouldn't be one.
People can be unbelievable cruel
 
 

About 4 years back I was watching some random award wining LGBT movie. While watching I felt it was kind of ok, not too good not too bad either, I was kind of fwd it a bit here and there ... and when it was around 80% done, one of the guy said a line and I had to pause, this is the line I said many many years ago .... and I started to cry with tears, I never cry ... I didn't cry over divorce and a ton of other things but there was a pain I never knew in my heart and I cried  ... there was ton of memories I had never visited buried in a grave yard of years  .... afterwards I cried for days, weeks and kid you not for 3-4 months 
I realized movie had a lot of overlap with my childhood story. I remember seeing my that friend first time I had a huge crush on, even when I hadn't spoken to him by then, we were probably 5-6 years old, I met him in our local neighborhood where he temp moved in .. and after few days he was in my school and in the same class, after 2 years or so we were in the same neighborhood and our houses were close by. Once I moved near his place we were inseparable. We would go to school together, come home together, eat at either one of our homes lunch and dinner, do home work together, play sports together, everyday starting age 8 till we turned 14. Now I feel he had a huge crush on me as well. He will imitate everything I do, would stare at me occasionally and always show huge affection towards me. I was kind of nonchalant back then. 
As we were growing up, things started to change fast,  one fine day he got really mad at me for calling some random girl he was pretending to have a huge crush on some normal nick name. He showed macho moves and that fight surprisingly ended things then and there. During that fight he called me names and said never to talk to him. When I reflect back he was immature in many ways during our growing up time as well.
After school we went to different colleges, never bumped into each other except at one event, our families knew each other very well, college started, he went to a different country, I got his # and called him up one night after many years, we spoke for few min but things were not the same. Ultimately I moved to the same country. A long time ago I was in a subway, and I felt the person in the cart must be him, by that time we were in our early 20s. I was staring at him, called his name in a low tone the person remaind quiet, and ultimately a stop came he disembark but did look back. I did Google afterwards and it seemed he did graduate from the school the subway he stepped out at.
I bumped into his sister after few years, she took my #, according to her he had visited her # of times, and he was planning to visit again, but he never bothered to reach out. He is married with kids and so do I.
I am a totally different person now, the time and life experiences have surely changed me. I am not sure why I cried for those few months either remembering pure friendship for the one who was also close to heart, or it is the loneliness I find myself in these days. I was also sad thinking if we would have remained friends life would have been alot different then what is now for sure. All my childhood friends knew how close we were & if I ever meet anyone they would surely ask if I am in touch with him, as everyone was also surprised we never connected after that stupid fight.
I some times dream of him us talking, I also think what would I do if we bump into each other, if he rings my home bell. I remember his hands, his face so well after so many years.His sister has moved out, he lives on a different coast, our lives might never intersect. Many years back, after meeting his sister one of his parents called me out of blue and we spoke for half an hour or so. We still have some lose common connections, can get our #s with little to no effort. I feel I have tried reaching out a few times, added him to FB, when FB just started hoping to remain intouch but ultimately he removed me from his list or doesn't use FB any more... 
Movie rekindled old memories of around 8 years we were together almost each day ... everything happens due to a reason .... somehow there is a hole in my heart, probably there shouldn't be one.
People can be unbelievable cruel
 
 

About 4 years back I was watching some random award wining LGBT movie. While watching I felt it was kind of ok, not too good not too bad either, I was kind of fwd it a bit here and there ... and when it was around 80% done, one of the guy said a line and I had to pause, this is the line I said many many years ago .... and I started to cry with tears, I never cry ... I didn't cry over divorce and a ton of other things but there was a pain I never knew in my heart and I cried  ... there was ton of memories I had never visited buried in a grave yard of years  .... afterwards I cried for days, weeks and kid you not for 3-4 months 
I realized movie had a lot of overlap with my childhood story. I remember seeing my that friend first time I had a huge crush on, even when I hadn't spoken to him by then, we were probably 5-6 years old, I met him in our local neighborhood where he temp moved in .. and after few days he was in my school and in the same class, after 2 years or so we were in the same neighborhood and our houses were close by. Once I moved near his place we were inseparable. We would go to school together, come home together, eat at either one of our homes lunch and dinner, do home work together, play sports together, everyday starting age 8 till we turned 14. Now I feel he had a huge crush on me as well. He will imitate everything I do, would stare at me occasionally and always show huge affection towards me. I was kind of nonchalant back then. 
As we were growing up, things started to change fast,  one fine day he got really mad at me for calling some random girl he was pretending to have a huge crush on some normal nick name. He showed macho moves and that fight surprisingly ended things then and there. During that fight he called me names and said never to talk to him. When I reflect back he was immature in many ways during our growing up time as well.
After school we went to different colleges, never bumped into each other except at one event, our families knew each other very well, college started, he went to a different country, I got his # and called him up one night after many years, we spoke for few min but things were not the same. Ultimately I moved to the same country. A long time ago I was in a subway, and I felt the person in the cart must be him, by that time we were in our early 20s. I was staring at him, called his name in a low tone the person remaind quiet, and ultimately a stop came he disembark but did look back. I did Google afterwards and it seemed he did graduate from the school the subway he stepped out at.
I bumped into his sister after few years, she took my #, according to her he had visited her # of times, and he was planning to visit again, but he never bothered to reach out. He is married with kids and so do I.
I am a totally different person now, the time and life experiences have surely changed me. I am not sure why I cried for those few months either remembering pure friendship for the one who was also close to heart, or it is the loneliness I find myself in these days. I was also sad thinking if we would have remained friends life would have been alot different then what is now for sure. All my childhood friends knew how close we were & if I ever meet anyone they would surely ask if I am in touch with him, as everyone was also surprised we never connected after that stupid fight.
I some times dream of him us talking, I also think what would I do if we bump into each other, if he rings my home bell. I remember his hands, his face so well after so many years.His sister has moved out, he lives on a different coast, our lives might never intersect. Many years back, after meeting his sister one of his parents called me out of blue and we spoke for half an hour or so. We still have some lose common connections, can get our #s with little to no effort. I feel I have tried reaching out a few times, added him to FB, when FB just started hoping to remain intouch but ultimately he removed me from his list or doesn't use FB any more... 
Movie rekindled old memories of around 8 years we were together almost each day ... everything happens due to a reason .... somehow there is a hole in my heart, probably there shouldn't be one.
People can be unbelievable cruel
 
 

About 4 years back I was watching some random award wining LGBT movie. While watching I felt it was kind of ok, not too good not too bad either, I was kind of fwd it a bit here and there ... and when it was around 80% done, one of the guy said a line and I had to pause, this is the line I said many many years ago .... and I started to cry with tears, I never cry ... I didn't cry over divorce and a ton of other things but there was a pain I never knew in my heart and I cried  ... there was ton of memories I had never visited buried in a grave yard of years  .... afterwards I cried for days, weeks and kid you not for 3-4 months 
I realized movie had a lot of overlap with my childhood story. I remember seeing my that friend first time I had a huge crush on, even when I hadn't spoken to him by then, we were probably 5-6 years old, I met him in our local neighborhood where he temp moved in .. and after few days he was in my school and in the same class, after 2 years or so we were in the same neighborhood and our houses were close by. Once I moved near his place we were inseparable. We would go to school together, come home together, eat at either one of our homes lunch and dinner, do home work together, play sports together, everyday starting age 8 till we turned 14. Now I feel he had a huge crush on me as well. He will imitate everything I do, would stare at me occasionally and always show huge affection towards me. I was kind of nonchalant back then. 
As we were growing up, things started to change fast,  one fine day he got really mad at me for calling some random girl he was pretending to have a huge crush on some normal nick name. He showed macho moves and that fight surprisingly ended things then and there. During that fight he called me names and said never to talk to him. When I reflect back he was immature in many ways during our growing up time as well.
After school we went to different colleges, never bumped into each other except at one event, our families knew each other very well, college started, he went to a different country, I got his # and called him up one night after many years, we spoke for few min but things were not the same. Ultimately I moved to the same country. A long time ago I was in a subway, and I felt the person in the cart must be him, by that time we were in our early 20s. I was staring at him, called his name in a low tone the person remaind quiet, and ultimately a stop came he disembark but did look back. I did Google afterwards and it seemed he did graduate from the school the subway he stepped out at.
I bumped into his sister after few years, she took my #, according to her he had visited her # of times, and he was planning to visit again, but he never bothered to reach out. He is married with kids and so do I.
I am a totally different person now, the time and life experiences have surely changed me. I am not sure why I cried for those few months either remembering pure friendship for the one who was also close to heart, or it is the loneliness I find myself in these days. I was also sad thinking if we would have remained friends life would have been alot different then what is now for sure. All my childhood friends knew how close we were & if I ever meet anyone they would surely ask if I am in touch with him, as everyone was also surprised we never connected after that stupid fight.
I some times dream of him us talking, I also think what would I do if we bump into each other, if he rings my home bell. I remember his hands, his face so well after so many years.His sister has moved out, he lives on a different coast, our lives might never intersect. Many years back, after meeting his sister one of his parents called me out of blue and we spoke for half an hour or so. We still have some lose common connections, can get our #s with little to no effort. I feel I have tried reaching out a few times, added him to FB, when FB just started hoping to remain intouch but ultimately he removed me from his list or doesn't use FB any more... 
Movie rekindled old memories of around 8 years we were together almost each day ... everything happens due to a reason .... somehow there is a hole in my heart, probably there shouldn't be one.
People can be unbelievable cruel
 
 

hey guys, things did move a bit fwd for sure for me exploring m2m since I originally started this tread. There was a masseur visiting the area, I found him attractive form his Ad. When he opened his hotel door he was teller then I expected, super friendly & sexy and things did progress pretty fast, I took off my undies the first time infront of a masseur, and the biggest thing was he was ok with mouth to mouth kissing lips in the begenning, well in addition to frontal rub - boy did he kiss me, he kissed me the way no one had ever done like a french kiss over and over. I thought I am an ugly one after I got bald in my early 20s. He even kissed me by putting me on the wall when the massage session ended & I was about to leave saying he found me very attractive, and I never thought someone can kiss like that. I did cum twice during that massage session. 
I did see him again after few weeks, kissing wasn't that much the second time, but it was mostly skin on skin. He did lift me up, which was way too surprising, I felt like a doll and I was like what the hell how can he do that I am almost 6'. He did try to top me by asking if I cleaned myself (I didn't get that question at the time probably he was wondering if I took # 2?) but I totally refused on that part, which I think he was hoping for, my strong No did work as I was not ready on penetration for sure. I didn't receive a BJ  ..... but man he had such a sexy body and esp ass. 
Its now over a year on that encounter, I did see one more masseur since then which was an ok mostly massage experience. I check often if that guy is back in the area, he hasn't come again or I have missed it. 

hey guys, things did move a bit fwd for sure for me exploring m2m since I originally started this tread. There was a masseur visiting the area, I found him attractive form his Ad. When he opened his hotel door he was teller then I expected, super friendly & sexy and things did progress pretty fast, I took off my undies the first time infront of a masseur, and the biggest thing was he was ok with mouth to mouth kissing lips in the begenning, well in addition to frontal rub - boy did he kiss me, he kissed me the way no one had ever done like a french kiss over and over. I thought I am an ugly one after I got bald in my early 20s. He even kissed me by putting me on the wall when the massage session ended & I was about to leave saying he found me very attractive, and I never thought someone can kiss like that. I did cum twice during that massage session. 
I did see him again after few weeks, kissing wasn't that much the second time, but it was mostly skin on skin. He did lift me up, which was way too surprising, I felt like a doll and I was like what the hell how can he do that I am almost 6'. He did try to top me by asking if I cleaned myself (I didn't get that question at the time probably he was wondering if I took # 2?) but I totally refused on that part, which I think he was hoping for, my strong No did work as I was not ready on penetration for sure. I didn't receive a BJ  ..... but man he had such a sexy body and esp ass. 
Its now over a year on that encounter, I did see one more masseur since then which was an ok mostly massage experience. I check often if that guy is back in the area, he hasn't come again or I have missed it. 

hey guys, things did move a bit fwd for sure for me exploring m2m since I originally started this tread. There was a masseur visiting the area, I found him attractive form his Ad. When he opened his hotel door he was teller then I expected, super friendly & sexy and things did progress pretty fast, I took off my undies the first time infront of a masseur, and the biggest thing was he was ok with mouth to mouth kissing lips in the begenning, well in addition to frontal rub - boy did he kiss me, he kissed me the way no one had ever done like a french kiss over and over. I thought I am an ugly one after I got bald in my early 20s. He even kissed me by putting me on the wall when the massage session ended & I was about to leave saying he found me very attractive, and I never thought someone can kiss like that. I did cum twice during that massage session. 
I did see him again after few weeks, kissing wasn't that much the second time, but it was mostly skin on skin. He did lift me up, which was way too surprising, I felt like a doll and I was like what the hell how can he do that I am almost 6'. He did try to top me by asking if I cleaned myself (I didn't get that question at the time probably he was wondering if I took # 2?) but I totally refused on that part, which I think he was hoping for, my strong No did work as I was not ready on penetration for sure. I didn't receive a BJ  ..... but man he had such a sexy body and esp ass. 
Its now over a year on that encounter, I did see one more masseur since then which was an ok mostly massage experience. I check often if that guy is back in the area, he hasn't come again or I have missed it. 

hey guys, things did move a bit fwd for sure for me exploring m2m since I originally started this tread. There was a masseur visiting the area, I found him attractive form his Ad. When he opened his hotel door he was teller then I expected, super friendly & sexy and things did progress pretty fast, I took off my undies the first time infront of a masseur, and the biggest thing was he was ok with mouth to mouth kissing lips in the begenning, well in addition to frontal rub - boy did he kiss me, he kissed me the way no one had ever done like a french kiss over and over. I thought I am an ugly one after I got bald in my early 20s. He even kissed me by putting me on the wall when the massage session ended & I was about to leave saying he found me very attractive, and I never thought someone can kiss like that. I did cum twice during that massage session. 
I did see him again after few weeks, kissing wasn't that much the second time, but it was mostly skin on skin. He did lift me up, which was way too surprising, I felt like a doll and I was like what the hell how can he do that I am almost 6'. He did try to top me by asking if I cleaned myself (I didn't get that question at the time probably he was wondering if I took # 2?) but I totally refused on that part, which I think he was hoping for, my strong No did work as I was not ready on penetration for sure. I didn't receive a BJ  ..... but man he had such a sexy body and esp ass. 
Its now over a year on that encounter, I did see one more masseur since then which was an ok mostly massage experience. I check often if that guy is back in the area, he hasn't come again or I have missed it. 

I must say, I've interacted with many native French men in my life, between pleasure and business. I wouldn't say they're rude, but more aloof (women, too). They've always been a tiny bit more 'social able' if they needed something from me, but otherwise - keep to themselves and look the other way. Even escorts from France who I've hired when in NYC- not exactly friendly at all (so I stopped hiring them). You're lucky you get the occasional "Hi". 

Lucky you.
I have a french neighbor who is renting a 3 bedroom house alone for the past 4 years. Sexy as hell, ass considerably huge and pecs always tightly showing from his tight t-shirts. He hardly ever talks to me besides very occasional Hi .... I hate him for been this rude ... but secretly hope he comes on RM, so I can spank him ... my neighbor is too sexy ...
Do share your neighbor RM link (asking for a friend 😎) if you end up hiring pls do report back.