How to let go of a regular provider?

[savantsav]

Any advice I could get on how to let go of a regular provider?

For context, we have been meeting regularly for the past 8 months or so, he lives in another city so I've flown him twice to mine, and I've flown to his twice. We've had about 5 overnights and some 3hour blocks in between, approximately 12 meets in total. He texts me throughout the week and we text back and forth, however for the past 4 or so meets I've not received the full share of what I need and when I recently talked about it with him, he said that me asking was 'off-putting'. During our last multi hour block, he was having issues performing and told me he wouldn't be able to get hard, so I paid for the hour and left.

Of note, what I've told him I need is a BFE with a passionate dickdown leaving my hole loaded. That's it. He's said he has issues cumming, and me asking about it is what's 'off-putting'. He feels like he's walking on thin ice when it comes to what I need. I told him I understand if it's difficult for him to do, but if out of the 12 meets we've had he's only came twice, without it even happening during overnights then that's an issue for me as I expect that consistently.

Right now he left a day or so ago back to his hometown and we haven't texted. I'm talking about high end rates (I've invested about 30k this year overall in those 8 months) and we had talked about a trip in January (an overnight) and right now I don't think he'll be able to perform or fulfill those needs so I'm not keen on meeting him again for those multi-hour sessions. Any suggestions on how to approach this? I don't want to lose contact and I would enjoy meeting if he's here in my town or if I'm back to his town, but I'm no longer interested in multihour bookings if he can't fully satisfy what I need. Thoughts?

Edited Monday at 04:28 PM by savantsav

[+ PhileasFogg]

Just be honest with him and lay it out like you did in the last paragraph - time for a break, if you're in town - let you know, but other than that - you're needing something more.

As I'm generally a weekend scheduler, I know that each planned encounter costs a small fortune with planes, hotels, etc.   There are other guys you can fly in.

 

 

Edited Monday at 04:53 PM by PhileasFogg

[+ KensingtonHomo]

On the surface level, it doesn't seem like you're compatible. You want a particular experience that he seems incapable of delivering consistently.  Is there something outside of sex that keeps you coming back to him? 

[savantsav]

I mean, he's a professional and that's what keeps me considering him. He doesn't do drugs, I can have a conversation with him, he's not a clock watcher and my ideal physical type. I've tried finding that locally and the guys are either high, or not provide a BFE. If he was able to cum consistently I would have no issues at all.

[Braziliancutee]

I mean if the guy is not offering u what u want and doing drama. Just be honest and leave him. He needs to remind that all these meetings, travels u are paying for his time and not only meeting for fun. As he expect your money you expect his performance. U are not meeting him for fun. U don’t need to be rude but the escort sometimes with regulars they think they don’t need to do your “best” to make the client happy. But they need. Has more 3883 guys don’t the same thing and better than him 

[+ KensingtonHomo]

1 hour ago, savantsav said:

I mean, he's a professional and that's what keeps me considering him. He doesn't do drugs, I can have a conversation with him, he's not a clock watcher and my ideal physical type. I've tried finding that locally and the guys are either high, or not provide a BFE. If he was able to cum consistently I would have no issues at all.

Sure, but since he cannot come consistently, why not find someone else? If you're flying to see him or him to see you, I'm sure you can find someone who meets all your needs. 

[savantsav]

Yes, you're right. I guess it took me some trial and error for months to find someone that was as close to what I need from him, believe it or not that there's some 'sunk cost fallacy' situation happening here, and getting back into that trial and error again is a bit exhausting.

How to let this guy go gently?

Edited Monday at 08:11 PM by savantsav

[+ JamesB]

43 minutes ago, savantsav said:

Yes, you're right. I guess it took me some trial and error for months to find someone that was as close to what I need from him, believe it or not that there's some 'sunk cost fallacy' situation happening here, and getting back into that trial and error again is a bit exhausting.

How to let this guy go gently?

 

I honestly don’t see what’s so complicated about this. If you’re no longer satisfied with his service, then stop hiring him. I get that finding a regular provider can be frustrating, believe me I know, but why continue working with someone who isn’t meeting your needs? The whole point of hiring is to get the services you actually want. You’re asking how to be gentle, but what you really need is to be honest with him and with yourself.

[NYXboy]

57 minutes ago, savantsav said:

How to let this guy go gently?

option 1 - Thanks for our time together, as great as I think you are, I don't think I have the budget to keep seeing you. 

option 2 - stop messaging and ghost him. 

Edited Monday at 09:08 PM by NYXboy

[savantsav]

16 minutes ago, JamesB said:

 

I honestly don’t see what’s so complicated about this. If you’re no longer satisfied with his service, then stop hiring him. I get that finding a regular provider can be frustrating, believe me I know, but why continue working with someone who isn’t meeting your needs? The whole point of hiring is to get the services you actually want. You’re asking how to be gentle, but what you really need is to be honest with him and with yourself.

Thank you for this input is really needed. 

3 minutes ago, NYXboy said:

option 1 - Thanks for our time together, as great as I think you are, I don't think I have the budget to keep seeing you. 

option 2 - stop messaging and ghost him. 

Thanks for this, I'm leaning more on Option 1, but the issue isn't budget, it's performance. I don't want to come off as a jerk because I know there's a personal component for this and don't want to cuss off or come off like a jerk.

[SecretProvider]

3 minutes ago, savantsav said:

Thanks for this, I'm leaning more on Option 1, but the issue isn't budget, it's performance.

The provider will 100% know that it is because of performance, even if you say its budget. He is probably hoping the rest of what he offers is enough. It's obviously not. He will read between the lines. 

[savantsav]

Thank you for the feedback, is really appreciated.

[+ PhileasFogg]

Uninformed Perspective:   You're agonizing over this because you have a good heart and you don't want to hurt his feelings.    But perpetuating your own dissatisfaction is not the solution and he's a professional and should know how to process rejection.    I will offer this thought - the fact that he put the issue back on you saying that your constructive feedback is "off putting" really doesn't sit well with me.   It's not a professional response.

Just my additional 2 cents since, although I think you know what to do now with everyone's feedback, I suspect you're still feeling like a heel and shouldn't.

 

[+ purplekow]

You do not owe him an explanation.   There is a thread on this forum asking what were you not prepared for as you get older.  My contribution to that was:  No one teaches you how to say no politely and definitively.  So this is it:   I have enjoyed out time together in the past but recently I have not.  Therefore, I am seeking other options.   Thanks for your time and efforts.  If you are in town, I am up for an off clock meeting, if that is something you would like.  If I have a change of heart, I will let you know but please to not question me about this further.   Happy holidays to you and I wish you all the best.  

I was seeing an escort for 10 years and we spoke just about every day.  One day we both came to the conclusion that it was not working.  I told him to cancel our next appointment and that I would call if I needed his services.  It was sad but necessary.  Now 10 months later, I realize that this definitely needed to be done.   If I encounter him again, I would be polite but not invested.  Sometimes a divorce is needed and you must be prepared that they are not always amicable, but even difficult ones are, in the long run, for the best.  

[SecretProvider]

1 hour ago, PhileasFogg said:

   I will offer this thought - the fact that he put the issue back on you saying that your constructive feedback is "off putting" really doesn't sit well with me.   It's not a professional response.

To be fair - telling someone "cum now! I want you to cum.its important you cum" is probably the worst way to encourage someone to cum. Being made to feel like you are walking on thin ice is not really conducive to being able to orgasm. 

[SecretProvider]

*before people start throwing tomatoes, I'm not saying that was what was said during your session -  just mentioning that sometimes when pressure is applied it has the opposite result. 

[savantsav]

5 minutes ago, SecretProvider said:

*before people start throwing tomatoes, I'm not saying that was what was said during your session -  just mentioning that sometimes when pressure is applied it has the opposite result. 

Yea I can get that and no this was always over text. I mentioned it was something I expected over text about 8 months when we started, he said it was difficult but he would try... then about 4 months ago after our second overnight where it also didn't happen, and most recently last week which is where he said over text "I told you I have a hard time cumming and you reminding me is offputting". I think it's clear now that he can't deliver that consistently which is perfectly fine, as other say I have to move on and find someone that can consistently deliver that.

I 100% understand if it doesn't happen if it was just one hour, maybe even two because I know cumming might kill the rest of your day/evening if you have other appts, but he didn't cum either in any of the overnights.

Thanks for the insight!

[BeamerBikes]

Not to make light of the situation, but remember the Simon and Garfunkel song - 50 ways to leave your lover.  
 

In seriousness though, sounds like you may have caught some feelings here.  It happens, but remember this isn’t a reciprocal relationship.  It sucks, but you are ascribing more to the arrangement than is actually there.  You want to take the high road on this - “hey, it’s been fun. It’s best for us to take a break, and reset.”  
 

You can be respectful, but you have to be honest with yourself first. This sounds like you were trying to make a BFE into an actual arrangement. That’s a separate but adjacent world. You may have gotten lucky by finding an escort who values his independence more so than manipulating a steady income stream.  

[+ KensingtonHomo]

1 hour ago, savantsav said:

I mentioned it was something I expected over text about 8 months when we started, he said it was difficult but he would try... then about 4 months ago after our second overnight where it also didn't happen, and most recently last week which is where he said over text "I told you I have a hard time cumming and you reminding me is offputting".

Is there a medical or other reason why cumming is difficult for him? I occasionally have difficulty orgasming but I know that it's in my head. I realize a lot of providers don't guarantee cumming, but as it's really important to you and you don't see him that often, I'm a little surprised that he cannot rise to the occasion. 

[savantsav]

He's never told me why, but I have the suspicion that he uses cialis/viagra to stay hard and it might be painful or uncomfortable to stay hard and cum.

[+ PhileasFogg]

2 hours ago, SecretProvider said:

To be fair - telling someone "cum now! I want you to cum.its important you cum" is probably the worst way to encourage someone to cum. Being made to feel like you are walking on thin ice is not really conducive to being able to orgasm. 

I agree with that and I’ve been called a “mean girl” here for advocating that very point in this forum.   But this is a repeated occurrence.  Now, if the expectation is that he must cum and that takes him off the market for a couple days to insure it happens, I believe it’s the client’s responsibility to pay extra for the forgone income 

But FTR, my ex wife told me to “cum now” so often that I stopped wanting to have sex.   I generally go an hour or more and sex is aerobic exercise for me

Edited Tuesday at 01:24 AM by PhileasFogg

[+ PhileasFogg]

24 minutes ago, savantsav said:

He's never told me why, but I have the suspicion that he uses cialis/viagra to stay hard and it might be painful or uncomfortable to stay hard and cum.

More likely he’s either exhausted or on anti depressants.

[jeezifonly]

Good lord.

Hiring sexual companions has had  O N E  intrinsic benefit for as long as the oldest profession has been around:

No Strings

 

 

 

[savantsav]

Of course there's No Strings. That's not the issue, is that I'm not a jerk to just ghost them or cut them off in a mean way.

I don’t fuck my gardener but I’m still gonna feel sad if I had to fire him after almost a year of work. 

Edited Tuesday at 02:05 AM by savantsav

[jeezifonly]

27 minutes ago, savantsav said:

Of course there's No Strings. That's not the issue, is that I'm not a jerk to just ghost them or cut them off in a mean way.

I don’t fuck my gardener but I’m still gonna feel sad if I had to fire him after almost a year of work. 

One can be kind - expressing gratitude for what's been pleasurable and positive. But at-will employment ends when one party or the other no longer benefits from the arrangement. You'll find other qualified applicants, and he'll find other income sources.

Business. Start there, and you'll figure out the way.