An old friend may have come out to me

[+ FreshFluff]

It's been many years since I spoke to this guy. When I last knew him, he was quite homophobic. Now he's telling me he's gay. We used to joke about this, and he always denied it.  I had figured he was straight but awkward.

I tried joshing around to see if he was serious, and he got a little defensive. 

How do I respond? 

 

[BuffaloKyle]

11 minutes ago, FreshFluff said:

 When I last knew him, he was quite homophobic.

He very likely may have been homophobic to throw people off from ever thinking he was gay. He also could have been upset at the fact he was gay and acting out in that way.

[+ FreshFluff]

1 minute ago, BuffaloKyle said:

He very likely may have been homophobic to throw people off from ever thinking he was gay. He also could have been upset at the fact he was gay and acting out in that way.

I think you're right, Kyle. I saw this with another ex, who also all but out of the closet. 

[rvwnsd]

1 hour ago, FreshFluff said:

It's been many years since I spoke to this guy. When I last knew him, he was quite homophobic. Now he's telling me he's gay. We used to joke about this, and he always denied it.  I had figured he was straight but awkward.

I tried joshing around to see if he was serious, and he got a little defensive. 

How do I respond? 

 

For starters, I can see why you wanted to see if he was serous, given that you two would joke about him being gay. At this point, the only thing you can do is support him, be his friend, and do what you can to make his journey more comfortable and less stressful. A good response would be to thank him for sharing this part of his life with you and offering your emotional support. If you sense he is hurt or angry about joshing around with him, you could simply apologize.

 

[+ FreshFluff]

33 minutes ago, rvwnsd said:

For starters, I can see why you wanted to see if he was serous, given that you two would joke about him being gay. At this point, the only thing you can do is support him, be his friend, and do what you can to make his journey more comfortable and less stressful. A good response would be to thank him for sharing this part of his life with you and offering your emotional support. If you sense he is hurt or angry about joshing around with him, you could simply apologize.

 

Thanks for understanding. I should apologize. I support him in an offhand way.  I was trying to avoid sentimentality. All this happened over email and text, which made it harder. 
 

I last saw him around 12-15 years ago. Just shows how much the world has changed since the Obergefell decision. 

Edited October 2, 2024 by FreshFluff

[rvwnsd]

11 minutes ago, FreshFluff said:

Thanks for understanding. I should apologize. I support him in an offhand way.  I was trying to avoid sentimentality. All this happened over email and text, which made it harder. 
 

I last saw him around 12-15 years ago. Just shows how much the world has changed since the Obergefell decision. 

E-mail and text is tough, but it does allow one to refine their reply.

Is he married to a man?

[+ FreshFluff]

31 minutes ago, rvwnsd said:

E-mail and text is tough, but it does allow one to refine their reply.

Is he married to a man?

We had already talked on the phone a few days ago. I guess it was easier to tell me over text. 

He's single as far as I can tell.

[MscleLovr]

40 minutes ago, FreshFluff said:

Thanks for understanding. I should apologize.

I don’t feel that you need to apologize at all.
 

You said that it’s “many years” since you and he last spoke, and it’s “12-15 years” since you last saw him. And back then, he was quite homophobic.
 

You are not obliged to be supportive or offer help to someone you knew years ago but who has ignored you since then.
 

I would feel very differently about this if he had written or phoned you to apologize for his past conduct/speech towards you. Especially if he had said he’d like to make amends, and possibly renew your friendship, by first taking you out to dinner to apologize in person.

[+ FreshFluff]

1 hour ago, MscleLovr said:

I don’t feel that you need to apologize at all.
 

You said that it’s “many years” since you and he last spoke, and it’s “12-15 years” since you last saw him. And back then, he was quite homophobic.
 

You are not obliged to be supportive or offer help to someone you knew years ago but who has ignored you since then.
 

I would feel very differently about this if he had written or phoned you to apologize for his past conduct/speech towards you. Especially if he had said he’d like to make amends, and possibly renew your friendship, by first taking you out to dinner to apologize in person.

Thanks for the thoughtful reply, ML. I'm straight. The homophobic speech was directed at gay men. I believe he supported criminal penalties for homosexual conducr. He used to talk a lot about MtM oral and anal sex, "There's no such thing as bi. People are binary".  etc. 
 

12-15 years ago is when we last spoke. I last saw him well before that because we lived in different cities. As for the rift, he insulted me via voicemail, and I cut off contact. I think he left a VM a year later. 
 

This time, I contacted him. Someone I know needed some advice related to his profession, and I thought he might have unique thoughts to offer. After weeks of deliberation, I swallowed my pride and called him. 
 

He might be on here. He certainly has money. 

Edited October 2, 2024 by FreshFluff

[pubic_assistance]

7 hours ago, FreshFluff said:

he was quite homophobic. Now he's telling me he's gay.

Homophobic gay men is nothing new. But curious what you mean when you say "he's telling me he's gay".

What is it you said to him that made him defensive ?

His attitude that there's "no such thing as bi" is an emotional storm cloud for many men who identify as straight but also enjoy sexual contact with male partners..so any kind of teasing can come off as humiliation rather than humor. 

Personally,  I avoid labels of gay and straight and view everyone as being potentially flexible in terms of attraction and how they choose to express themselves to the world. Sadly, homosexuals themselves are quick to suggest that sucking one dick automatically makes you gay as if there's no gray area in one's identity. So this can be frustrating for bisexuals.

[+ sync]

9 hours ago, FreshFluff said:

It's been many years since I spoke to this guy. When I last knew him, he was quite homophobic. Now he's telling me he's gay. We used to joke about this, and he always denied it.  I had figured he was straight but awkward.

I tried joshing around to see if he was serious, and he got a little defensive. 

How do I respond? 

 

I believe the standard "if I offended you, it was unintentional" offering would be sufficient.

[marylander1940]

10 hours ago, FreshFluff said:

It's been many years since I spoke to this guy. When I last knew him, he was quite homophobic. Now he's telling me he's gay. We used to joke about this, and he always denied it.  I had figured he was straight but awkward.

I tried joshing around to see if he was serious, and he got a little defensive. 

How do I respond? 

 

I don't know, personally I usually cut off homophobic people. I'm surprised you kept being a friend of him. 

Hypocrisy our national sin!

Edited October 2, 2024 by marylander1940
Misspelling

[marylander1940]

2 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

Homophobic gay men is nothing new. But curious what you mean when you say "he's telling me he's gay".

What is it you said to him that made him defensive ?

His attitude that there's "no such thing as bi" is an emotional storm cloud for many men who identify as straight but also enjoy sexual contact with male partners..so any kind of teasing can come off as humiliation rather than humor. 

Personally,  I avoid labels of gay and straight and view everyone as being potentially flexible in terms of attraction and how they choose to express themselves to the world. Sadly, homosexuals themselves are quick to suggest that sucking one dick automatically makes you gay as if there's no gray area in one's identity. So this can be frustrating for bisexuals.

You certainly love the bisexual label.

Most straight guys would never consider having gay sex unless they are in jail or there's no other choice and even under those circumstances they would rather be sucked instead of sucking dick.

Sometimes your comments strike me as homophobic even though you are gay half the time.

I do believe you're truly bisexual unlike others who because they married women when they were young to achieve social acceptance, think they can still claim to be bi after decades from their last straight sexual encounter.

 

Edited October 2, 2024 by marylander1940

[+ WilliamM]

4 minutes ago, marylander1940 said:

You certainly love the bisexual label.

Most straight guys would never consider having gay sex unless they are in jail or there's no other choice and even under those circumstances do rather be sucked instead of sucking dick.

Sometimes your comments strike me as homophobic even though you are gay half the time.

I do believe you're truly bisexual unlike others who because they married women when they were young to achieve social acceptance, think they can still claim to be bi after decades from their last straight sexual encounter.

 

Huh 

What is the problem of  "loving"   the  bi Labs to the

[marylander1940]

2 minutes ago, WilliamM said:

Huh 

What is the problem of  "loving"   the  bi Labs to the

Must have been a typo.

[+ purplekow]

When friends address changes in their life, addition to the family, divorce, or coming out for example, I usually ask two questions. 1. Are you happy?  and 2 What can I do to help you?  It seems to me that is sufficient for most occasions if indeed you are willing to be asked for help (you can always decline if the request is unpalatable) and truly care about the persons happiness.  

[+ WilliamM]

52 minutes ago, marylander1940 said:

Must have been a typo.

One of the best people here is bi  He is on vacation now

[MscleLovr]

1 hour ago, WilliamM said:

One of the best people here is bi  He is on vacation now

I appreciate your post @WilliamM but surely you recognise the concerns it will raise. So tell us…

Is he on a gay vacation or a str8 vacation?

Or does the vacation encompass both possibilities? 😎

[+ WilliamM]

41 minutes ago, MscleLovr said:

I appreciate your post @WilliamM but surely you recognise the concerns it will raise. So tell us…

Is he on a gay vacation or a str8 vacation?

Or does the vacation encompass both possibilities? 😎

Gay

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

3 hours ago, marylander1940 said:

You certainly love the bisexual label.

It's the "B" in GLBT... Right up there in the first 3 letters!  I find it queer how it is now assumed that every 3rd grade class will have at least one "T" kid who needs to use its own restroom, but any male adult who is "B" is told he is lying to himself and needs to find a different letter.  Strange 🤔 indeed

To the original poster, whether your friend is gay or bisexual:   the friend just wants to know he's not alone.  Maybe a "good for you for coming to this understanding about yourself" and "have you made any new friends with similar interests?" encouragement is in order, so he's not relying on you for even more guidance but can get direction to meet and discuss with other similar men.  After all, you're not really that close to each other.

[marylander1940]

2 hours ago, MscleLovr said:

I appreciate your post @WilliamM but surely you recognise the concerns it will raise. So tell us…

Is he on a gay vacation or a str8 vacation?

Or does the vacation encompass both possibilities? 😎

Is he on Grindr, Tinder or both at the same time? 

 

 

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

1 minute ago, marylander1940 said:

Is he on Grindr, Tinder or both at the same time? 

 

 

There's lots of women on Grindr nowadays, so that's not really going to tell us much

[pubic_assistance]

7 hours ago, marylander1940 said:

You certainly love the bisexual label.

Bisexuality isn't a label. It's a human condition with a wide range of expressions.

I don't subscribe to this idea that you need to pick a side. Lots of men lead fairly mainstream heterosexual lifestyles but have desire for same sex encounters. Those who are conflicted about those feelings often express that conflict through homophobic rhetoric.

[+ FreshFluff]

9 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

Homophobic gay men is nothing new. But curious what you mean when you say "he's telling me he's gay".

What is it you said to him that made him defensive ?

His attitude that there's "no such thing as bi" is an emotional storm cloud for many men who identify as straight but also enjoy sexual contact with male partners..so any kind of teasing can come off as humiliation rather than humor. 

Personally,  I avoid labels of gay and straight and view everyone as being potentially flexible in terms of attraction and how they choose to express themselves to the world. Sadly, homosexuals themselves are quick to suggest that sucking one dick automatically makes you gay as if there's no gray area in one's identity. So this can be frustrating for bisexuals.

I think this is right. The conversation wasn't about bisexuality, which neither of us brought up.  

I sent him an animal video. He  jokingly pointed out that a person in the video seemed flamboyantly gay. He then mentioned that I had once said that sexuality is a continuum and that he's on the gay side. I initially misread this as a joke about the guy in the video, not about him—especially since he used to poke fun at the “continuum” idea. So i asked him about his pronouns. As soon as I wrote that, I realized that I had misread and that he would take it as gay=feminine. 

He replied that his pronouns are "fa*" and "swish." That's when I knew for sure that he was dead serious. 

[+ FreshFluff]

8 hours ago, sync said:

I believe the standard "if I offended you, it was unintentional" offering would be sufficient.

Perfect wording given the circumstances. Thank you. 

He said that he wasn’t offended. 

Edited October 2, 2024 by FreshFluff