SpendThrift Adult Sibling w/ self destructive behaviors

[BeamerBikes]

Any advice?  

I'm the executor/trustee of the last of the family money.  I'm bound and determined that I'm not going to dip into my money to continue to support my sibling once their portion of inheritance runs out.  

Any advice on how to get a 49yo teenager to wisen up and stop spending excessive unneeded things?  

I allowed some of their inheritance to pay off one of their multiple max'd credit card with the clear communication to use that and pay it off in full every month.  That hasn't happened.  Now I'm faced with a crossroads.  

I love them, but I can't break their self-destructive habits. Sadly, writing this. It's clear to me. No advice will work without my loved one tackling the root of their self destructive behaviors.  Food addiction, OCD - hoarding behaviors, low self-esteem, etc.  It's well past time for therapy.  

It's super sad, but with their health problems I fear all I'm doing is trying to stretch their remaining inheritance until they eat themselves into an early grave.  

#shitTheydontcoverGrowingup

 

[pubic_assistance]

3 hours ago, BeamerBikes said:

It's well past time for therapy.  

Is it ?

I think a 49 year old with OCD and low self esteem would benefit greatly from some reflection & redirection with a professional. 

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

On 1/20/2024 at 5:07 PM, BeamerBikes said:

Any advice?  

I'm the executor/trustee of the last of the family money.  I'm bound and determined that I'm not going to dip into my money to continue to support my sibling once their portion of inheritance runs out.  

Any advice on how to get a 49yo teenager to wisen up and stop spending excessive unneeded things?  

I allowed some of their inheritance to pay off one of their multiple max'd credit card with the clear communication to use that and pay it off in full every month.  That hasn't happened.  Now I'm faced with a crossroads.  

I love them, but I can't break their self-destructive habits. Sadly, writing this. It's clear to me. No advice will work without my loved one tackling the root of their self destructive behaviors.  Food addiction, OCD - hoarding behaviors, low self-esteem, etc.  It's well past time for therapy.  

It's super sad, but with their health problems I fear all I'm doing is trying to stretch their remaining inheritance until they eat themselves into an early grave.  

#shitTheydontcoverGrowingup

 

It's tough.  But when their money is gone, it's gone.   You may even need to cut off communication with them to prevent them from continuously asking you for help.  It's worth it is the end; and, better, for everyone, than feeling guilty and persuaded to give your own money to them to support their addictions.

Edited January 22 by Vegas_Millennial

[Guest]

I agree; self-preservation. Tell them when it’s gone, it’s gone. Direct them to counseling. Walk away (understanding that you love them but have a paramount responsibility to self).

[+ augustus]

On 1/20/2024 at 8:07 PM, BeamerBikes said:

Any advice on how to get a 49yo teenager to wisen up and stop spending excessive unneeded things?  

Been there.  Done that.   They will NEVER change.  Worst of all, they will rationalize things so that it becomes YOUR fault.  They are entitled to their share of the estate, as was given them, but you are not obliged to give them any of your portion.   Let them do as they do.  

[+ FrankR]

On 1/21/2024 at 3:07 AM, BeamerBikes said:

Any advice?  

I'm the executor/trustee of the last of the family money.  I'm bound and determined that I'm not going to dip into my money to continue to support my sibling once their portion of inheritance runs out.  

Any advice on how to get a 49yo teenager to wisen up and stop spending excessive unneeded things?  

I allowed some of their inheritance to pay off one of their multiple max'd credit card with the clear communication to use that and pay it off in full every month.  That hasn't happened.  Now I'm faced with a crossroads.  

I love them, but I can't break their self-destructive habits. Sadly, writing this. It's clear to me. No advice will work without my loved one tackling the root of their self destructive behaviors.  Food addiction, OCD - hoarding behaviors, low self-esteem, etc.  It's well past time for therapy.  

It's super sad, but with their health problems I fear all I'm doing is trying to stretch their remaining inheritance until they eat themselves into an early grave.  

#shitTheydontcoverGrowingup

 

From experience, the best advice I can give you is to communicate and set boundaries. Make sure they know the money will run out on X date if they keep going at this pace. Make sure they know you will not be supporting them further when that happens. Give them the contact details of a financial councilor who can help them budget. 
 

You may be tempted to “help”, but enabling isnt helping. Set boundaries and stick to it. You may need to start growing a thick skin. I had to. 🙈

[MscleLovr]

On 1/21/2024 at 1:07 AM, BeamerBikes said:

I'm bound and determined that I'm not going to dip into my money to continue to support my sibling once their portion of inheritance runs out.  

Good for you. I have exactly the same ‘problem’, an elder brother who is financially reckless. It intrigued me that when I was a teenager, my grandfather trusted my judgement and he detailed all our assets. He told me that I was to become the senior trustee on his death and he told me why my elder brother was being cut out. I’ve multiplied the assets considerably since then, and I always paid my brother his share. At times, I paid him more than his share. I was never thanked.

One time, my brother tried to deceive me. He cheated me out of my share when a family asset was sold - I let him get away with it but said “That’s all you’ll get from me. You’ve got more than you’re entitled to, so enjoy it”. And we haven’t spoken since that day 12 years ago. 

13 hours ago, FrankR said:

enabling isnt helping. Set boundaries and stick to it. You may need to start growing a thick skin.

Entirely agree.

[Rudynate]

7 hours ago, MscleLovr said:

Good for you. I have exactly the same ‘problem’, an elder brother who is financially reckless. It intrigued me that when I was a teenager, my grandfather trusted my judgement and he detailed all our assets. He told me that I was to become the senior trustee on his death and he told me why my elder brother was being cut out. I’ve multiplied the assets considerably since then, and I always paid my brother his share. At times, I paid him more than his share. I was never thanked.

I hope you are complying with the terms of the trust - not doing so could land you in hot water.

[Rudynate]

On 1/20/2024 at 5:07 PM, BeamerBikes said:

Any advice?  

I'm the executor/trustee of the last of the family money.  I'm bound and determined that I'm not going to dip into my money to continue to support my sibling once their portion of inheritance runs out.  

Any advice on how to get a 49yo teenager to wisen up and stop spending excessive unneeded things?  

I allowed some of their inheritance to pay off one of their multiple max'd credit card with the clear communication to use that and pay it off in full every month.  That hasn't happened.  Now I'm faced with a crossroads.  

I love them, but I can't break their self-destructive habits. Sadly, writing this. It's clear to me. No advice will work without my loved one tackling the root of their self destructive behaviors.  Food addiction, OCD - hoarding behaviors, low self-esteem, etc.  It's well past time for therapy.  

It's super sad, but with their health problems I fear all I'm doing is trying to stretch their remaining inheritance until they eat themselves into an early grave.  

#shitTheydontcoverGrowingup

 

Be sure you the trust gives you that sort of discretion.  Otherwise, you're giving the beneficiary grounds to sue you.

[MscleLovr]

8 hours ago, Rudynate said:

I hope you are complying with the terms of the trust

Absolutely. It’s a discretionary trust, set up a few generations back, with the usual requirements for good behavior etc by beneficiaries.

I’ve always used an eminent firm of lawyers as advisers. I pay so much for their advice that I’d never go against it. 

[SouthOfTheBorder]

1 hour ago, MscleLovr said:

I’ve always used an eminent firm of lawyers as advisers. I pay so much for their advice that I’d never go against it. 

things can go wrong, even when acting under attorney advice. trusts are complex and small minor things can lead to significant personal liability for trustees.  big difference between types of trusts and requirements tho.   

at the very least when acting as a trustee - an insurance policy that covers potential litigation.  

and, I think the legal landscape has changed re; trust litigation in last 10-15 years.  older trusts were frequently set-up with family members as trustees.  nowadays - I would never ask a family member or any non-professional to administer a trust.  too much risk and potential for problems. 

Edited January 23 by SouthOfTheBorder

[+ JEC]

The way you describe your siblings, they seem to have some level of mental illness (addictions, etc.).  Does not change your course of action, but this is more complex than someone just making bad choices and acting like a teenager.  I lost my brother 2 years ago to a lifelong battle with alcoholism, and I had similar struggles over the years with him (not about money, there was none....just about his behavior and how that impacted his life and the family).  Still, with addiction there is literally nothing you can do until the person is willing and able to help themselves.  

My father too had some sort of difficulty with money.  He had a successful career and a generous retirement, but he never had any money - ran up credit cards, payday loans, and asked me for money a few times.  I think he had a gambling addiction, the closest I ever got to an admission was that he played the lottery.  The last time he asked me for money I said no but offered to help in other ways (like set up a budget, hire a financial advisor, etc).   I did this after drawing up a "contract with myself" of what my baseline principles were for helping, and what I was and was not willing to do.   For example, I would not allow my parents to be homeless or hungry.   I also would not put my own money/retirement at risk.  I would not enable my father's destructive behavior.  I did buy my dad a used car (10k) and put it in my name so he could not borrow against it to ensure he had transportation.   I also helped twice with refinancing of their mortgage to provide some relief with monthly expenses (just helped with the paperwork, dad was in his 80's by then).

I hope the mental illness angle allows you to come at the situation with some compassion, while not sacrificing your principles.  Consider writing up that "contract with yourself" - it will provide you clarity as you face decisions over time.  If you have some flexibility with how the trust is administered, you may be able to set up structures which pay for basic needs and nothing more - ensuring he will never be homeless or hungry, while protecting your assets.  

Good luck, this is a difficult situation and I hope you find a pathway to peace.

[Rudynate]

3 hours ago, JEC said:

The way you describe your siblings, they seem to have some level of mental illness (addictions, etc.).  Does not change your course of action, but this is more complex than someone just making bad choices and acting like a teenager.  I lost my brother 2 years ago to a lifelong battle with alcoholism, and I had similar struggles over the years with him (not about money, there was none....just about his behavior and how that impacted his life and the family).  Still, with addiction there is literally nothing you can do until the person is willing and able to help themselves.  

My father too had some sort of difficulty with money.  He had a successful career and a generous retirement, but he never had any money - ran up credit cards, payday loans, and asked me for money a few times.  I think he had a gambling addiction, the closest I ever got to an admission was that he played the lottery.  The last time he asked me for money I said no but offered to help in other ways (like set up a budget, hire a financial advisor, etc).   I did this after drawing up a "contract with myself" of what my baseline principles were for helping, and what I was and was not willing to do.   For example, I would not allow my parents to be homeless or hungry.   I also would not put my own money/retirement at risk.  I would not enable my father's destructive behavior.  I did buy my dad a used car (10k) and put it in my name so he could not borrow against it to ensure he had transportation.   I also helped twice with refinancing of their mortgage to provide some relief with monthly expenses (just helped with the paperwork, dad was in his 80's by then).

I hope the mental illness angle allows you to come at the situation with some compassion, while not sacrificing your principles.  Consider writing up that "contract with yourself" - it will provide you clarity as you face decisions over time.  If you have some flexibility with how the trust is administered, you may be able to set up structures which pay for basic needs and nothing more - ensuring he will never be homeless or hungry, while protecting your assets.  

Good luck, this is a difficult situation and I hope you find a pathway to peace.

Genius.

[Rudynate]

16 hours ago, Rudynate said:

Be sure you the trust gives you that sort of discretion.  Otherwise, you're giving the beneficiary grounds to sue you.

Or to have you removed as Trustee.

[marylander1940]

On 1/21/2024 at 10:23 PM, augustus said:

Been there.  Done that.   They will NEVER change.  Worst of all, they will rationalize things so that it becomes YOUR fault.  They are entitled to their share of the estate, as was given them, but you are not obliged to give them any of your portion.   Let them do as they do.  

 

 

Some folks can't help themselves, if he's a fuckup with money at 49 he won't change at 50, 60 or 70 but he might run out of it. 

 

@BeamerBikes Try to help him or you will regret it, unfortunately I doubt he'll listen to you and unfortunately now knowing how to handle money isn't enough for an intervention. 

Edited January 24 by marylander1940

[robberbaron4u]

On 1/20/2024 at 7:07 PM, BeamerBikes said:

Any advice?  

I'm the executor/trustee of the last of the family money.  I'm bound and determined that I'm not going to dip into my money to continue to support my sibling once their portion of inheritance runs out.  

Any advice on how to get a 49yo teenager to wisen up and stop spending excessive unneeded things?  

I allowed some of their inheritance to pay off one of their multiple max'd credit card with the clear communication to use that and pay it off in full every month.  That hasn't happened.  Now I'm faced with a crossroads.  

I love them, but I can't break their self-destructive habits. Sadly, writing this. It's clear to me. No advice will work without my loved one tackling the root of their self destructive behaviors.  Food addiction, OCD - hoarding behaviors, low self-esteem, etc.  It's well past time for therapy.  

It's super sad, but with their health problems I fear all I'm doing is trying to stretch their remaining inheritance until they eat themselves into an early grave.  

#shitTheydontcoverGrowingup

 

.  Brother, Sister. . .the bank is closed. Dollar General is hiring. Good-bye and good luck. 

[GenerousGent]

Best you can do for them is make sure their homes are paid and then teach yourself and them that "No." is a complete, full and final sentence with no explanation necessary because it's been given in full multiple times.

[MikePDNA51]

I inherited nothing and do not have anything. Some people need to realize a job is better than no job. What do these spoiled siblings buy? 

[MscleLovr]

14 hours ago, MikePDNA51 said:

What do these spoiled siblings buy? 

I can only answer for my brother: a large house in the country, overseas vacations, cars, an expensive divorce, a 2nd wife etc.

Essentially whatever he wants…provided he doesn’t have to pay for it 🤨

[MikePDNA51]

Overseas vacation can be in expensive when: fly economy on miles, sleep in cheep hotels ($20 or less per night), stay with family, visit 3rd/ developing world, do not visit Western Europe, and go solo.  
 

I am summing brother did the opposite of inexpensive. How do these people even think about savings. Brother sounds entitled, does he get most people start at bottom.  

[TonyDown]

I am not being snarky when I say you might need therapy.  Sure it helps to get a reality check here, but with all you've described,  your situation sounds  super stressful and emotionally draining.

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

On 3/4/2024 at 11:14 AM, MikePDNA51 said:

fly economy on miles, sleep in cheep hotels ($20 or less per night),

Why spend so much?  Offer to share a bed for only $10

[+ APPLE1]

Is the sibling still working? Are they getting any payments from Soc Sec? The Soc Sec Administration does have a Representative Payee program that I have seen benefit many people who simply can't manage money and live within their means.

It's not JUST for people who are poor either. I have known people, with very healthy retirement incomes, who lead a much better life now that a Payee pays their bills. Once the bills are paid, then they got a weekly cash stipend, or prepaid credit cards for their incedentals.

Hell, I have one friend with a husband who is so bad with money, the husband gets the GAS only gift cards from the gas station.

Social Security Administration - Representative Payee Program

WWW.SSA.GOV

---

FAQs for representative payees.