How Does Provider Relationship Status Influence Your Hiring Decisions?

[Simon Suraci]

I’m in a 10 year long relationship. 11 years next month. He knows exactly what I do for work and accepts it. He does not massage or escort or anything like that; he works in another professional field. We have our challenges at times like any couple, but overall we are happy and this world of hiring is just another normal part of our lives because of my work. I consider my personal life my business and not really my clients’ concern.

Sometimes clients ask me if I am single. I wonder why. I tell them that whether I am single or not that I am not open to any romantic relationships, which is true. Therefore, I find the question irrelevant to their hiring decisions. I share freely about my relationship with trusted regular clients when they ask, but it bothers me when a new contact asks me this as something they need to know before they decide to hire. I would never ask the client’s relationship status or decide not to see them based on their response. Why is it different when clients ask me the same?

Clients: Is this criteria important to you? If so, why?

I perform some aspects of the “boyfriend experience” for clients mature enough to handle the limitations and enjoy it for what it is. That’s it. Whether I have any casual or serious relationships outside work has nothing to do with the client or their experience with me, so I just don’t see why it is so important to some clients.

I interpret what is coded in the question is that the client has some sense that I am - or could be - totally theirs, available 24/7 for free and maybe that prospect, however slim, excites them. In reality, it’s just a fantasy. I could lie saying I’m single to humor them. I could tell the truth and by so doing either alienate them or else invite a host of follow up questions I don’t want or see the point in answering. I find the relationship status question irrelevant to them hiring me. What do you think is fair? Do your providers have to be single (or at least you think that they are single) for you to want to hire them?

Is there some relevance to the question I’m missing? 

Providers: How often do you get a question on your relationship status, and how do you handle your responses?

[acks0104]

Personally, it doesn't matter to me at all. At the end of the day I care about how good the services were and that has much more to do with the provider's attitude and ability than relationship status. My guess is that there are a lot of men out there that want to be sold the fantasy of "real" companionship and an escort being single is easier to fit in that box.

I have never tried to have a relationship with my plumber, doctor, or accountant and understand that I'm paying for services. I'm sure there are men out there that are actually able to make personal relationships work out of professional situations, but I have a feeling that there are just a lot of men out there that push way too much.

[spidir]

I pay for no-strings-attached as part of the service and a provider's relationship status is not a factor. Sometimes a provider asks about my status or offers up their status as part of a conversation. I want people to be happy in their relationships and appreciate their open-mindedness to provide a service to me.

Edited November 30, 2023 by spidir
spelling error :)

[+ DrownedBoy]

It is almost never a factor. As a young twink I dated an escort, and my college sugar daddy had no problem with me dating with guys my own age.

If they're in a happy relationship,  I'm happy for them. And no escort has or should say anything when I hire while dating another guy.

[+ nycman]

57 minutes ago, Simon Suraci said:

Is there some relevance to the question I’m missing? 

Maybe it’s just polite conversation?

Don’t overthink it.

[Guest]

From a client perspective, I think it could be both a question of maturity and an extension of the fantasy (unless your fantasy is NSA). Let’s face it, the service being provided is intimate and for many meets both a physical and emotional need closely linked to relationship. Without some maturity and experience on the client’s part, it can get difficult to separate them out, leading to confusion about what the provider-client relationship is and isn’t. For beginners, coaching/mentoring and boundary setting might help. This platform and discussions like this thread likely help. From a fantasy standpoint, the question shouldn’t be asked or answered, it should be left to the client’s imagination; that’s the fantasy.

[Guest]

Or what @nycman said….

[Simon Suraci]

2 minutes ago, nycman said:

Maybe it’s just polite conversation?

Don’t overthink it.

Maybe. But then I once in a while I get conversations like this that turn south rather quickly:

<more disrespectful client drivel…>
<client blocked>

6 minutes ago, Km411 said:

From a fantasy standpoint, the question shouldn’t be asked or answered, it should be left to the client’s imagination; that’s the fantasy.

^ I agree with this. It takes an emotionally mature client to handle hiring with grace.

I’m wondering how best to answer the relationship status question. I just don’t like lying which is the easiest way out of having to answer the inevitable follow up questions about the details of my relationship and how it works. Those answers at best distract, and at worst put off the client. I’m wondering if lying is the best way to go about maintaining the fantasy illusion for the client…

…but then again my best clients are the ones who know me quite well and connect with me on a deeper level after hiring me at least a few times. They appreciate my honesty and it doesn’t put them off. In fact, they have more respect for what I do and why I do it. I have a family and a life outside work like anyone else. They get it. Just sucks having to backtrack and say, actually I lied about being single…blah blah blah.

[Guest]

I think you’ve answer the question well (and you’ve answered your own question); if your answer is not satisfactory, he’s not the right client for you.

[+ BobPS]

A providers personal life is none of my business. I don’t ask my accountant, my insurance agent, my handyman etc. about their personal lives. When I worked, I would’ve been offended if one of my clients asked me about my personal life because it had absolutely nothing to do with the professional service I provided. If a provider chooses to share some of his personal life with me, that is certainly OK, but I don’t ask about it.

[+ nycman]

2 hours ago, Simon Suraci said:

Maybe. But then I once in a while I get conversations like this that turn south rather quickly:

If anything, I think this text exchange proves my point.
He was just asking. You’re the one that jumped to a conclusion. 

Try this instead…

Client: “Are you single?"

You: "No"

If they keep prying…."I’m sorry, I’m not comfortable talking about my personal life". 
But at least give them the benefit of the doubt in the beginning.
Otherwise, I think you might come off looking defensive and not very personable. 

(Hopefully this comes across right. I’m honestly trying to help. Not be a dick.)

[Simon Suraci]

22 minutes ago, nycman said:

You’re the one that jumped to a conclusion. 

I appreciate the response, I don’t take it the wrong way. I ask because I want perspective outside of my own head. I listen and consider other opinions and I’m not afraid to question myself. I want to grow. So, thank you.

You’re right, I did jump to a conclusion. I’m assuming that the prospective client asking this particular question means:

1) he is only interested if the answer is yes, and;

2) by asking the question at all that this information is important to him. More important than all the typical more relevant questions like rates, availability, location, travel, services, what I can do for him, physical attributes, etc, that he hasn’t even asked for before this question. The only things he asked before this was my sexual orientation and if I cum a lot. I sent him a video of me blowing a big load and was straightforward about my orientation.

3) he will not be interested if I answer no. The question puts me in a position of knowing full well that by answering ‘no’ that I will most likely lose the work. It sucks because I want the work and I don’t want something that has no relevance to prevent me from getting the work.

Should I just be prepared to lose the work, then? That’s what I’m hearing.

I realize I came across as defensive. However, the expletives in the reply shows me a lot sooner how unreasonable and short fused the client actually is. If the client proceeded to hire me I would have walked into a bad situation. If it didn’t come through in texts, it certainly would have come through in person. I’m actually glad I didn’t see this client. Had I not been defensive, I might have missed that and seen a bad client.

(That’s me being defensive about being defensive 😉)

[pubic_assistance]

4 hours ago, Simon Suraci said:

I'm wondering how best to answer the relationship status question.

"I'm not single" should suffice.

 

[Your Man in Arlington]

16 hours ago, BobPS said:

A providers personal life is none of my business. I don’t ask my accountant, my insurance agent, my handyman etc. about their personal lives. When I worked, I would’ve been offended if one of my clients asked me about my personal life because it had absolutely nothing to do with the professional service I provided. If a provider chooses to share some of his personal life with me, that is certainly OK, but I don’t ask about it.

This is just how I look at it, too.

In conversations where I mentioned that I was married and my husband was in the loop about my activities, a couple of providers have shared that they were also in a committed relationship with partners who knew. For me, this was a positive signal about their own appropriate boundaries and expectations about our meeting.

Edited November 30, 2023 by Your Man in Arlington
too many too's

[+ Pensant]

I could care less about their relationship status. In fact, because occasionally providers have wanted more of my time off the clock, I’m relieved if they tell me that they’re in a relationship! I don’t divulge details of my personal life, although I’m single. Nonetheless, I’m surprised by how much they share with me. Maybe I would have made a good Jesuit after all!

[ICTJOCK]

Great discussion and appreciate it!    Yes,  I have had clients ask me if I am single.   It isn't asked often.   I usually tell them "I have a personal life and I am not single".

What I try and be is come across as professional,  a little vague, deliberately  as my purpose in being there has nothing to do with my private life,  my other work activities or anything else for that matter other an to provide a service to the client.

Congrats for the 10 years,   I hope many more for you and a fantastic holiday season.

[soloyo215]

15 hours ago, Simon Suraci said:

...but it bothers me when a new contact asks me this as something they need to know before they decide to hire. I would never ask the client’s relationship status or decide not to see them based on their response. Why is it different when clients ask me the same?

Clients: Is this criteria important to you? If so, why?

Client here, no, that information is not relevant to me. As a client, I'm just going to tell my perspective and opinion, just my opinion and nothing more.

The first thing that came to mind was why does it bother you. What exactly about that one particular subject rubs you the wrong way? Not saying that is right or wrong to feel either way about it, but more in terms of what is the source of discomfort around that topic.

The second thing that came to mind is that part of the provider's job is to provide some kind of fantasy, and maybe the marital status of the provider feeds to the client's fantasy. This of course, is pure speculation on my part. But considering that there is an entire line of pornography around "married men", maybe that's what they are looking for when inquiring. Personally I can't care less about the marital status of the provider, but that might be excitement-important to some clients.

The third thing that came to mind was, reflecting on some of my providers, many have actually shared quite a lot of personal information, such as incarceration, medications they take for mental health issues, and being parents. They have volunteered that information without me asking. Same thing, it doesn't impact me or what I am looking for in a provider.

I hope your clients are respectful and not creepy when they inquire.

Edited November 30, 2023 by soloyo215

[BuffaloKyle]

I think guys may ask as well to see if there would be a possibility of a 3sum or to find out if you're dating another provider.

[TT3690]

Yeah this isn't something I would ask for up front. It might come up eventually in conversation but I don't recall caring much one way or another.

[PileDriver]

some providers are upfront if there partner is also in the profession...have to respect that. my experience is that they are usually nice stable guys

[Simon Suraci]

1 hour ago, soloyo215 said:

The first thing that came to mind was why does it bother you. What exactly about that one particular subject rubs you the wrong way?

I appreciate the other responses so far.

I guess what rubs me the wrong way is that the client is asking me something that presumably either a) requires me to lie in order to satisfy his fantasy, or b) costs me his business if I tell the truth.

I would rather tell the truth, but I am irritated that I am more than likely losing his business when I do, so I feel compelled to lie, and that makes me uncomfortable. In this case I tried to avoid losing his business but at the same time not have to lie. It backfired.

Keep in mind, I wouldn’t lie about consequential things like health status or something about my body, or anything that would actually impact his experience with me.

I’m leaning toward telling the truth and being ok with losing the business. If the client is still interested but wants to follow up with a lot of probing personal life questions, I might say that I prefer not to discuss my personal life and try to refocus attention on him and his needs and how I might be of service.

[pubic_assistance]

9 hours ago, Simon Suraci said:

I guess what rubs me the wrong way is that the client is asking me something that presumably either a) requires me to lie in order to satisfy his fantasy, or b) costs me his business if I tell the truth.

If you feel your clients want the boyfriend fantasy from you then you might try re-directing the conversation. The way this question was answered in the online chat previous WAS a bit harsh and it immediately iliicited a nasty reply because of that. Maybe try something like "We're here to talk about what makes YOU happy, not talk about me". If they pressure you further just say "I'm all yours tonight". Beyond that then just lie. It's all fantasy anyway. They don't need to know and you don't NEED to tell.

Edited December 1, 2023 by pubic_assistance
punctuation

[+ DrownedBoy]

 

9 hours ago, BuffaloKyle said:

I think guys may ask as well to see if there would be a possibility of a 3sum or to find out if you're dating another provider.

That's the only reason I'd ask, but some people might find that insulting. 

I've only had one provider ask about my relationship status. It was the same guy who used to monitor this site and text clients who said anything about him, claiming a "lawyer" or "friend" was watching. When he texted me, I told him to learn how to read properly and lie better.

Edited December 1, 2023 by DrownedBoy

[Simon Suraci]

I’ve done some introspection and concluded that I will strive to be unapologetically myself and make an effort to answer inquiries in a more straightforward way rather than be defensive or evasive or say a client’s question is irrelevant (even when it is!). When my response costs me work, so be it. I’m doing myself and the client a favor by making space for the people who most belong in my schedule.

The prospective clients who like me for me will hire, and those who have hangups about irrelevant aspects of my life outside work won’t hire. Simple as that. I can’t allow the odd client inquiry to get to me, as unfair as it may seem at times. I’m me. If you don’t like me, I’m not going to cry about it.

Quick aside - most clients are mature enough to handle themselves, and ask the appropriate questions and are concerned with relevant information. This prospective client fortunately represents only a minority. Thank you to all the clients here that get it.

In the past, I’ve said I can’t be all things to all people and that’s ok. I’m reminding myself of that now and moving on. Plenty of people like me for who I am and those are the best friends, family, and clients I want to surround myself with anyway.

Cheers to growth!

[Simon Suraci]

2 hours ago, DrownedBoy said:

I told him to learn how to read properly and lie better.

I would expect nothing less from you @DrownedBoy 😂