How was affection shown in you household growing up?

[+ purplekow]

I come from a large Italian family and though Italian Americans are thought to be very affectionate and physically interactive, that was not true of all of my family.  Most of my cousins were not interactive with either of their parents.  Some were interactive with their mother but not so much with their father.  However, in my immediate family, my father expected a kiss on the cheek when he came home and a kiss for both he and my mother when we went to bed.  That lasted until well into my teen years.  

There were other branches of the family which were more verbal, with "I love you"frequently  being said prior to bed but there was no physical touch. I do not believe "I love you" was said publicly in my household despite the hugs and kisses.  

So how was affection shown between parents and children in your home growing up, if was shown at all?   Later on, if you had children, was it shown in a similar manner?  

 

Edited October 6, 2023 by purplekow

[Luv2play]

Four kids in our family and raised in a white Anglo Saxon Protestant upper middle class setting in the 1950’s. Stay at home mother and we were all sent to private schools, where most of our classmates were of at least similar background or much richer. Affection was mostly shown by our mother, dad not so much overtly but we knew he loved us. He never cheated on our mother and as a result we had a sense of security. My parents only drank very moderately, didn’t smoke and took us to church during the winter months but we spent summers at our cottage, with a different group of friends. We all turned out pretty well, two straight and two gay. I’m the single one and happy that way. I value affection very highly and have always tried to show it to all I have been close to. Even to providers. I like the BFE the most.

 

[CuriousByNature]

My father was more soft-hearted than my mother, but neither was really affectionate to any of us in the family.  Come to think of it, I almost never witnessed any physical affection between them either.  So, physical affection isn't something I've ever really received (or given) in my life, though I have tried to be emotionally affectionate through kindness - if that even makes any sense.  My siblings have all gone on to have somewhat healthy romantic relationships (not with each other, thankfully - lol), so I am very much the oddball of the family in that regard. 

 

Edited October 7, 2023 by CuriousByNature

[Guest]

I was fortunate enough to have extremely affectionate, loving and demonstrative parents. All my family is basically like that. Mi casa es tu casa to the max! 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, CuriousByNature said:

I am very much the oddball of the family in that regard. 

Make no mistake about it, I too am the oddball in my family and it's something I self deprecate about at family gatherings... there are no secrets, everyone in my family and close friends know everything about me and it makes life that much better. i'll never tire of saying it but grateful is a pretty happy place to live 🙏🏽🥰

 

 

 

 

 

[CuriousByNature]

4 minutes ago, Vin_Marco said:

Make no mistake about it, I too am the oddball in my family and it's something I self deprecate about at family gatherings... there are no secrets, everyone in my family and close friends know everything about me and it makes life that much better. i'll never tire of saying it but grateful is a pretty happy place to live 🙏🏽🥰

 

 

 

 

 

I can't imagine anything that can equal the feeling of thankfulness and appreciation.  It is the best place to live, for sure.

[pubic_assistance]

1 hour ago, purplekow said:

how was affection shown between parents and children in your home growing up

We were WASPs (mostly).

Affection was a matter of not being beaten that day if you behaved and brought home straight A's

[caramelsub]

It’s funny because it seems many gay men have great relationships with their mothers and not as great relationships with their fathers. Me growing up my experience was the opposite. My mother rarely showed affection to me, and we argued a lot. I always thought she was mean and cold at times. My dad wasn’t affectionate in a touchy way, but we talked a lot and he was always willing to listen to my problems, while my mom was more dismissive. Sometimes I even question if my poor relationship with mother is why I have same sex attractions. I know we are “born this way”, but I still think about the what ifs.

[ICTJOCK]

I grew up in a household with parents who demonstrated affection on a regular basis.   My father is a corporate attorney and some of my best memories are of him coming home from a business trip,  hugging me,  giving me a kiss on the forehead and usually was lucky enough to have a little surprise.   My mother displayed love and affection every day to both my older brother and myself.     

Affection was both expressed and implied in our household.   There was never a time I didn't know how my parent's  love and care for me.... and that continues.

[+ tassojunior]

My childhood was a matter of combat survival dodging dishes my mother constantly threw at my father when we were all together at dinner time. My dog made out well. They both worked, he days and she evenings. I learned to avoid the few times they were in a room together or at least look over my shoulder for the closest exit. They did sleep together though and my father usually walked around the house either nude or in boxers (it was hot), usually laughing at my mother's temper. In hindsight I think she was jealous of women he knew at work. 

When he was 47 and I was 17 he died suddenly after a week in a coma. My mother collapsed uncontrollably and really could not stand or stop crying for well over a week. We all worried she would never recover but after a year I got her enrolled in some community college crafts classes. Her biggest concern was always that in the coma he didn't hear her tell him how much she loved him and she was crying and repeating that the day she died at 95, fifty years later. 

My mom threw a  whole lot of dishes to show affection.  

 

[pubic_assistance]

11 hours ago, caramelsub said:

Sometimes I even question if my poor relationship with mother is why I have same sex attractions. I know we are “born this way”, but I still think about the what ifs.

If you have a poor relationship with one of your parents, people generally seek out someone with similar qualities to try and do it differently as an adult, not avoid that person. This was the subject of research by Dr. Harville Hendrix in the 1980s.

The interesting thing is that those qualities you seek to find and fix don't necessarily include gender as a factor.

"Born this way" is a commonly referenced political theory, but not universally accepted as fact by everyone in the modern psychology community.

Born this way? Society, sexuality and the search for the 'gay gene' | Genetics | The Guardian

WWW.THEGUARDIAN.COM

---

Are our sexual desires derived from our genes? Or can we make active choices about who we...

 

Edited October 7, 2023 by pubic_assistance
grammar

[+ nycman]

Zero. 

In my late 20’s, the day my father hugged me….really HUGGED me, I told my then BF on the drive home, “that man will be dead soon".

My BF was stunned and said ‘what the fuck are you talking about? He’s fine."

My father died from a massive hearth attack within a week. 

I am eternally grateful for that hug. 

[marylander1940]

I grew in loving family, my dad smoke and drank beer daily as expected back then and I guess till this century. Both my parents were caring and loving but I certainly loved my mother most than my dad, even though I would always ask him for money because he was more likely to give it to me. I miss them both, they knew I was gay but I made it up to them and my other siblings with gifts, trips, money, etc. I was the only gay, but I was certainly the wealthiest. 

[MaybeMaybeNot]

Neither of my parents were physically affectionate once I reached 6 or so,  that I remember. (My dad was never affectionate to me in my early memories.) By the time I had my first sexual experience at 32, my skin was aching to be touched. I remember laying in bed at nights thinking my skin would break if anyone ever actually touched me. 

My dad would every once in a while be affectionate, like in church when he felt like pretending to be a good dad.  I hated that.  We didn't have a good relationship,  and it felt like I was part of a show.  Looking back,  the location might have been a reminder to him,  not actually a show.

My mother was half Italian and not physically affectionate.  In my younger years before she had a radical religious encounter,  she had a hot temper and would fly off the handle (never at me). But I always knew she loved us.  She showed it every day in many ways, from feeding us, reading to us, doing nice things with us,  spending time with us.  

My sister, however,  had an opposite experience and felt loved by my dad more. Looking back,  my sister must have had some undiagnosed mental health issues, which were exacerbated by my mom's ignorance in parenting and her desire to correct her own faults in her daughter. 

As I got older,  I realized my dad wasn't malicious (to clarify,  although he grew up severely abused, he never laid a hand on his own kids,  which says a lot about him). He was severely depressed in the era before medications,  not very smart,  and extraordinarily lazy. He worked long hours to supply our needs. He loved us very much, just didn't know how (or want to put much effort) into showing us. He came home at night and vegged out on TV. 

I loved my mom very much.  We were very close to her last day,  and I miss her terribly. I became very close to my dad in his final 10 months,  as my sister and brother basically disappeared once he went on hospice (in the last few months,  I made them become involved because I knew I couldn't do it alone and he needed us there). My dad was the type to be cocky, to brag about his kids because it made him look good. Once he got the hospice talk from the doctor,  it was very healing for him to acknowledge to me that he was a terrible father.  I needed to hear that.  He also explained that he did more with my siblings just because they had more in common,  which I already knew.  It helped heal that relationship before he died.  

[pubic_assistance]

2 hours ago, marylander1940 said:

....they knew I was gay, but I made it up to them...

"Made it up to them" ?? for doing what ? Being gay ?

What were you replacing with cash ? The lack of grandchildren ?

That comment made me sad. Being different doesn't mean you need to make up for it.

 

Edited October 7, 2023 by pubic_assistance
quotation

[pubic_assistance]

1 hour ago, MaybeMaybeNot said:

it was very healing for him to acknowledge to me that he was a terrible father.  I needed to hear that. 

Thanks for sharing that. Very powerful stuff.

[marylander1940]

6 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

"Made it up to them" ?? for doing what ? Being gay ?

What were you replacing with cash ? The lack of grandchildren ?

That comment made me sad. Being different doesn't mean you need to make up for it.

 

MAKE IT UP.... 

The comment made you feel sad? Why? It was my choice. If a member of a family is wealthy he should help others, at least that's how I see it and how I behave. 

Do I have to explain to you how lucky you're to live in a world where your private behavior is acceptable and not illegal? 

Did you ever talk with your parents about your real lifestyle of an open marriage or just put up a facade to get by? Just curious because some folks want to have the cake and eat it too while being a bit self righteous about others. 

[marylander1940]

15 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

We were WASPs (mostly).

Affection was a matter of not being beaten that day if you behaved and brought home straight A's

is this for real?

physical punishment? 

 

[pubic_assistance]

20 minutes ago, marylander1940 said:

is this for real?

physical punishment? 

 

I'm half joking.

But there was a great deal of corporal punishment in Central PA culture when I was a kid. Most everyone was descended from a farming family who pretty much trained their children to behave the same way they treated their animals. Yes. We were spanked with a frightening degree of regularity, and beaten pretty severely if we really stepped out of line.  Military training is nothing compared to our childhoods.

"Spare the rod and spoil the child."

Edited October 7, 2023 by pubic_assistance
completing thought

[pubic_assistance]

8 minutes ago, marylander1940 said:

The comment made you feel sad? Why? It was my choice. If a member of a family is wealthy he should help others, at least that's how I see it and how I behave.

Did you ever talk with your parents about your real lifestyle of an open marriage or just put up a facade to get by?

I wasn't criticizing your ability to give back. I was sad to hear that you felt you needed to "make up" for not being straight.

My parents are actually pretty open minded people and I never really HAD to say much to them about my relationships. Even when I was dating a guy, it took my mother only two visits to figure it out. My wife is a college friend and yes, my mother knows we both experimented a lot with relationships with both men and women.

I never mentioned the swingers parties to her but I did tell my father who was envious of my ability to experience the world in ways he never could have.

I did not bring up the subject of dungeon parties or huge orgies in the early 2000s.  Some things just need to be left to a parent's imagination. 😉

 

[marylander1940]

5 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

I wasn't criticizing your ability to give back. I was sad to hear that you felt you needed to "make up" for not being straight.

My parents are actually pretty open minded people and I never really HAD to say much to them about my relationships. Even when I was dating a guy, it took my mother only two visits to figure it out. My wife is a college friend and yes, my mother knows we both experimented a lot with relationships with both men and women.

I never mentioned the swingers parties to her but I did tell my father who was envious of my ability to experience the world in ways he never could have.

I did not bring up the subject of dungeon parties or huge orgies in the early 2000s.  Some things just need to be left to a parent's imagination. 😉

 

I'm aware of that!

You are certainly lucky!

No need for details... dungeon? 😂 

[pubic_assistance]

Just now, marylander1940 said:

No need for details... dungeon? 😂 

I live in NYC. There are dozens of S&M dungeon spaces to explore. Both straight and gay.

[+ Charlie]

My parents didn't marry until they were in their 30s, because during the Depression they both were working to help support their parents; they were close to middle age when I was born, and I was their only child. My father's family background was German, my mother's was English, and I don't remember either one of them (or my grandparents) being very physically or verbally affectionate with me or with one another, yet I never felt any doubt that they loved one another and me, so perhaps the signals were more subtle. I think the only time my father actually told me he loved me was when he knew he was dying, and he asked me to take care of my mother. I had always thought of them as sort of asexual, so I was surprised that when I was cleaning out his things, I found a couple of old photos of naked women (NOT my mother). My mother told me that they had always supposed that she would die first, because she was older than he was and she had been considered rather fragile since childhood, so she had urged him to marry again after she was gone (women often seemed obviously attracted to my father, who was tall and athletic, and capable at everything he did). In fact, she survived him for almost three decades, yet she never showed any interest in a relationship with any other man.

I was 19 when I came out to them, and they didn't seem surprised, though I'm sure they were disappointed that they wouldn't have any grandchildren. I think they were relieved when I settled down with my partner, whom they approved of and liked. In old age, my mother came to live with us for five years and seemed perfectly comfortable in our household. My partner's parents came from the same ethnic background as mine; I knew my mother-in-law for almost thirty years, and I observed that she was never verbally or physically affectionate with her sons either. Although we weren't verbally or physically affectionate in front of her or my parents, my partner/spouse and I always have been so when we are alone together; maybe our parents were the same way. 

[Rudynate]

Our family life was up and down.   I was very close to my father and he loved to indulge me in little ways.  He called me "buddy" and took me everywhere with him - even to work.  My mother was very moody.  Sometimes she was as sunny as June Cleaver and other times we would get home from school and it was obvious she hadn't done a thing - she hadn't dressed, breakfast dishes still on the table, etc.  and she would be in a very witchy mood.   Things really took a nosedive when she have birth to a girl with Down Syndrome - in her first few weeks it wasn't certain she would survive. She did survive and they followed the advice of the pros and institutionalized her. I think they were both very ashamed at having given her up and the whole affair cast a pall over our family life that never really lifted.  

[Rudynate]

5 hours ago, nycman said:

Zero. 

In my late 20’s, the day my father hugged me….really HUGGED me, I told my then BF on the drive home, “that man will be dead soon".

My BF was stunned and said ‘what the fuck are you talking about? He’s fine."

My father died from a massive hearth attack within a week. 

I am eternally grateful for that hug. 

I love that.  I get those intuitive flashes from time to time. My husband used to dismiss them, but now, he just always says "Yep, you were right."