How was affection shown in you household growing up?

[pubic_assistance]

10 minutes ago, Rudynate said:

they followed the advice of the pros and institutionalized her. I think they were both very ashamed at having given her up

I grew up, down the street from a family who raised their down-syndrome child at home. That was a rough life for that mother. Just my opinion based on knowing that family...I don't think your parents necessarily made the wrong decision.

[Rudynate]

Just now, pubic_assistance said:

I grew up, down the street from a family who raised their down-syndrome child at home. That was a rough life for that mother. Just my opinion based on knowing that family...I don't think your parents necessarily made the wrong decision.

My father insisted on it.  Years later she told me she was opposed to it and wanted to keep her.  There were five of us already and she was barely coping. My father made the tough choice, and I think it was the right one, but I don't think he was ever comfortable with it. 

[+ sync]

In my generation affection was never displayed in my family, we somehow just knew it was there.

I'm thinking it skips generations because all my brothers' children are openly huggy-feely.

[Rudynate]

6 hours ago, Rudynate said:

My father insisted on it.  Years later she told me she was opposed to it and wanted to keep her.  There were five of us already and she was barely coping. My father made the tough choice, and I think it was the right one, but I don't think he was ever comfortable with it. 

Actually, I miscounted.  There were six of us and the sister with Down sysndrome made seven.

[Bokomaru]

9 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

 

I did not bring up the subject of dungeon parties or huge orgies in the early 2000s.  Some things just need to be left to a parent's imagination. 😉

 

I didn’t get hugged much growing up, but….

When I moved to NYC my parents came to visit. There were French doors separating the living room and bedroom in my apartment, but they had been removed. My father noticed the holes in the double wide doorframe where the standing-bondage anchor points had been. “Why are those holes there?” Oh, uhhhhh… that’s where the plant hangers used to be. 
He gave me one of those looks. My Dad’s a smart guy. He knew. And said nothing. 
Not THAT’S showing your son some love.

[+ azdr0710]

never any huggy-huggy/daily "I love you"s in my traditional midwestern-ish suburban white-bread family.......Mom and Dad were both smart, savvy, and honest, but I think their parents were just a bit conservative/religious and never really did the touchy-feely stuff that seems (too?) common today......we all "loved" each other and respected all that that entails, but expressing it with daily physical hugs and excessive "I love you"s every time we parted probably seemed too scripted/forced/unnecessary...... 

 

[jawjateck]

7 hours ago, azdr0710 said:

never any huggy-huggy/daily "I love you"s in my traditional midwestern-ish suburban white-bread family.......Mom and Dad were both smart, savvy, and honest, but I think their parents were just a bit conservative/religious and never really did the touchy-feely stuff that seems (too?) common today......we all "loved" each other and respected all that that entails, but expressing it with daily physical hugs and excessive "I love you"s every time we parted probably seemed too scripted/forced/unnecessary...... 

 

That's my family too.  My mother died of cancer at a younger age; she was a tough southern woman, but I knew she always loved us and had our best interest at heart.  That's also when I realized just how much my Dad loved her.  His grief was sweet and painful to behold.  However, it transformed him from a rugged outdoorsy southern man into a very affectionate soul. He was huggy and "I love you" to all of us for the rest of his life. He certainly made it possible for me to care for him the last couple of years when he was significantly affected by senile dementia. I knew what kind of man he was, and that lightened the burden of the difficult days. I could not have done that if he had been a cold, disconnected father.

[+ purplekow]

IT seems that are childhood experiences are as different as everything else about us.  Overall, I believe that as different as I am from siblings  and close cousins. politically, religiously, intellectually, we all share a common background.  The way in which we are most alike, perhaps the only we we are alike, is in supporting each other through the bad times and celebrating the good times.   Day to day, not so much support as an acknowledgement that the others are doing at least okay.  That came from our parents and it is reflected in the kind of parents my siblings are.

[Pd1_jap]

On 10/7/2023 at 9:05 AM, marylander1940 said:

is this for real?

physical punishment? 

 

Are you seriously surprised? I grew up in a house where "Spare the rod spoil the child" was commonly said. 

My grandmother used to make me pick out a "switch" that she would then proceed to beat me with. This was confusing because 99% of the time she was the most delightful lady and I still love her dearly. RIP Mam'ma. That one percent though could really scare the hell right out ya. 

Both my parents thought I was adorable and showered me with affection. That being said, my father would have outbursts of anger that would involve verbal and mental abuse with the occasional physical violence. He wasn't a smart man and I was bright from a young age. My mother on the other hand was a manipulative genius. She used to be a teacher so she knew many mind games to play with me. Not all we're enjoyable to me. If I grew wise to her game she would grab the tender flesh under my arms or that which covered my ribs. It was a painful pinch that in some cases would bruise. I still talk to my mother regularly but don't really see her often. 

That being said I'm now the age my father was when I was young. I have all this pent up anxiety. No wonder he was going nuts all the time. My mother was playing mind games with him too. 

I still love my family dearly but don't want to be near them because at the end of the day they would pull me into all of their drama. 

So... Yeah... In any case, sometimes having affection isn't always worth it.

Thanks y'all for making this space.

Can I get an amen⁉️

Edited October 11, 2023 by Pd1_jap
Grammar

[soloyo215]

On 10/6/2023 at 8:37 PM, pubic_assistance said:

We were WASPs (mostly).

Affection was a matter of not being beaten that day if you behaved and brought home straight A's

Similar situation here, and I'm not joking. Only difference is that we got beaten even with straight A's. Lots of domestic violence, my mother was undiagnosed something, mentally ill, probably bipolar, and my father was violent, at first using alcohol as an excuse, then he became a born-again weirdo and used the bible as an excuse. Left my home at 18 and never looked back. There was absolutely no basic affection in my family, I had to learn on my own how to be trusting, thankful and affectionate. The only time that my father told me that he loved me was when I threatened him with getting him arrested. Later I was able to connect with my mother, knowing that she was mentally ill and everybody in the family in denial about it.

Not having a clue of how loving relationships work, I entered a few relationships that didn't work because of the environment that I was used to. Took some work on my part, but I created my family of choice and I'm surrounded by loving people. The moment I see people showing the wrong signs, I get them out of my life.

I've never liked violence, and no, I'm not interested in reproducing/reliving it in my sex life.

[Rudynate]

Our home environment was definitely weird.  My mother seemed to regulate her mood by having babies.   If there was a new baby in the house she was much happier and able to cope with things. She seemed to be able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.  She gave birth a total of ten times - one of which was a stillbirth.  There were also two or three miscarriages.   In order to feed all of those mouths both she and my father worked two jobs and my sister and I had to take care of all the babies.   There was always a lot of tension and we lived with a feeling of impending disaster because money was so short.  When one of my older brothers was in the 12th grade, we were selected to host a foreign exchange student from Sweden (don't ask me how that happened).  After a few months, the sponsoring agency moved him to another home because he was so unhappy.  My parents were mortified at having our dysfuncionality exposed that way.  I got out as soon as I could - after high school, I joined the army and served three years. When I got out, I stayed at home for a couple weeks, realized what a looney bin it was and bought a one-way ticket to Denver.  I used my VA benefits to put myself through college and made a nice life in the western US.   I think one time I went for 12 years without speaking to any of them.  People who got to know me well always asked why I never talke about my family. 

[Rudynate]

23 hours ago, Rudynate said:

Our home environment was definitely weird.  My mother seemed to regulate her mood by having babies.   If there was a new baby in the house she was much happier and able to cope with things. She seemed to be able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.  She gave birth a total of ten times - one of which was a stillbirth.  There were also two or three miscarriages.   In order to feed all of those mouths both she and my father worked two jobs and my sister and I had to take care of all the babies.   There was always a lot of tension and we lived with a feeling of impending disaster because money was so short.  When one of my older brothers was in the 12th grade, we were selected to host a foreign exchange student from Sweden (don't ask me how that happened).  After a few months, the sponsoring agency moved him to another home because he was so unhappy.  My parents were mortified at having our dysfuncionality exposed that way.  I got out as soon as I could - after high school, I joined the army and served three years. When I got out, I stayed at home for a couple weeks, realized what a looney bin it was and bought a one-way ticket to Denver.  I used my VA benefits to put myself through college and made a nice life in the western US.   I think one time I went for 12 years without speaking to any of them.  People who got to know me well always asked why I never talke about my family. 

As Thomas appreciated, the story had a happy ending - I lived happily ever after (mostly).  

[marylander1940]

Man after reading all of this I think I really got lucky of having loving parents and siblings who occassionally showed emotion and love each other!