How do I know a guy at the club is not really into me?

[socurious]

Rejection hurts me so hard that I wrongly assume stuff all time. Unfortunately I was never able to entirely overcome certain aspects of my self-steem since my teenage years. You can say I'm still dealing with my demons. 

The guys I like seem to be part of the 1% when it comes to looks (why did God make me so superficial in the first place?). They tend to be big, hairy, with handsome faces, big, with nice beards, great pecs, wide backs, butts on point,  big, masculine, big, tall and big again as hell. At the clubs, these hot studs would ignore me or look at me in a way that makes think I'm just not their type. I'm not too sure. I'm very new to the scene. It really bothers me because I don't think I look bad. But my expectations are perhaps too high. Maybe I'm just assuming too much. I really want to shoot my shot but I'm so afraid to get ignored or rejected that I end up not trying at all.

I love this forum because you guys don't seem to sugarcoat stuff out of diplomacy. It's always interesting to read your posts even if I get attack. My question is genuine. Please try to be nice. Thanks. 

Edited November 15, 2022 by nycboi

[socurious]

Cruising club*

Like The Eagle (very kinky). 

[socurious]

Why are so many gay men snobs? Like they are in love with themselves or something. I'm hurt... 

[Guest]

"How do I know a guy at the club is not really into me?" Well, you gotta ask him at some point. Just be nice and strike up a conversation. If he seems friendly enough, eventually try to get his number and invite him for a cup of coffee or some other activity sometime. No matter how attractive you are, most people, especially really attractive guys, won't be into you, and you just have to learn not to take it personally. It may be difficult, but learning how to take rejection is usually necessary for ultimate success. 

Obviously, if someone frowns when you approach him, it's probably not a good sign. But don't assume that just because someone appears aloof, that he won't be friendly. I've had more than one (OK, two) people tell me at parties "Your partner 'Chris' looks like he'd be a jerk, but he's a really nice man!" (or words to that effect). If you feel there's no way you can handle rejection, you're more likely to be successful with dating apps than going to clubs. 

Two weeks ago at a party, I went up and struck up a conversation with a fairly handsome man, who seemed rather aloof. It turns out, he was just shy, and he invited my partner and I to go on his yacht sometime to go to Catalina Island, where neither of us has ever been. I was shocked to hear he's single, but he may also be overly fearful of rejection. 

[jeezifonly]

There’s a big difference between “not really that into me” and “really__not__into me”

Both happen over a lifetime to most of us, sometimes in repetition. You can’t dwell on what others think of you. 
My first gay cruising experiences in the 80’s were at the Weho S&M bars. (Stand and Model) 

All kinds of attitude.

And mystery - long before everyone having their nudes to share before making eye contact. No putting that dickpic back in the bottle.

 
Try to remember, a sense of humor about yourself is a very attractive quality. 

 

 

 

[MscleLovr]

6 hours ago, nycboi said:

These hot studs would ignore me or look at me in a way that make think I'm just not their type. I'm not too sure.

Most people in a bar or a club are pleasant and nice, in my view. And to answer the question you pose in the thread-title, it’s usually easy to tell me if a guy isn’t interested. You have to venture some conversation, smile and pay him a small compliment (Never tell a real looker that he’s handsome - he knows. And never tell a hot guy guy that you think he’s hot - he’s heard that many times before)

If he smiles in acknowledgment but doesn’t respond to you @nycboi, move on as he’s not interested.

 

6 hours ago, nycboi said:

Cruising club*

Like The Eagle (very kinky). 

That’s a difficult arena in which to meet a guy. Perhaps you could try talking to guys in bars etc to increase your confidence and become comfortable with small talk?

5 hours ago, nycboi said:

Why are so many gay men snobs? Like they are in love with themselves

How did you discover this? It’s not been my experience. Unless you engage and have a good conversation, you can’t possibly know this about a man. 
 

I’d rather you focus on being the best possible version of yourself. Make sure you’re very well-groomed and nicely-dressed before you go out. You don’t need dazzling conversation skills, but you do need to smile and be approachable. Everyone typically responds well to a flattering question.
 

Years ago, I once picked up a leather-clad hunk, such as you describe, in a club - I simply said to him that I’d recently read a psychological study which found that men with a leather fetish were of above average intelligence and tended to have intellectual interests. I asked if he agreed? He laughed and confessed he was a lecturer in Romance studies at an Ivy League college. 
 

Edited November 15, 2022 by MscleLovr

[+ WilliamM]

4 hours ago, Unicorn said:

"How do I know a guy at the club is not really into me?" Well, you gotta ask him at some point. Just be nice and strike up a conversation. If he seems friendly enough, eventually try to get his number and invite him for a cup of coffee or some other activity sometime. No matter how attractive you are, most people, especially really attractive guys, won't be into you, and you just have to learn not to take it personally. It may be difficult, but learning how to take rejection is usually necessary for ultimate success. 

Obviously, if someone frowns when you approach him, it's probably not a good sign. But don't assume that just because someone appears aloof, that he won't be friendly. I've had more than one (OK, two) people tell me at parties "Your partner 'Chris' looks like he'd be a jerk, but he's a really nice man!" (or words to that effect). If you feel there's no way you can handle rejection, you're more likely to be successful with dating apps than going to clubs. 

Two weeks ago at a party, I went up and struck up a conversation with a fairly handsome man, who seemed rather aloof. It turns out, he was just shy, and he invited my partner and I to go on his yacht sometime to go to Catalina Island, where neither of us has ever been. I was shocked to hear he's single, but he may also be overly fearful of rejection. 

Perhaps he prefers bing single.

[+ Pensant]

33 minutes ago, MscleLovr said:

Years ago, I once picked up a leather-clad hunk, such as you describe, in a club - I simply said to him that I’d recently read a psychological study which found that men with a leather fetish were of above average intelligence and tended to have intellectual interests.

That’s quite interesting. Any research you’d care to share?

[+ The Big Guy]

1 hour ago, MscleLovr said:

I’d rather you focus on being the best possible version of yourself. Make sure you’re very well-groomed and nicely-dressed before you go out. You don’t need dazzling conversation skills, but you do need to smile and be approachable. Everyone typically responds well to a flattering question.

Great advice.  Make eye contact with a warm smile and watch for an inviting response. Best wishes. 

[MscleLovr]

1 hour ago, Pensant said:

That’s quite interesting. Any research you’d care to share?

It was an academic study I read. Researchers had interviewed guys who frequented and dressed appropriately for leather bars. It was a survey of IIRC 250-300 self-defined leather fetishists who were prepared to answer questions on their education, occupation, other interests etc. 

[socurious]

Just wanted to let everyone know that English is my second language. Please forgive those horrible typos. I made that post late last night and didn't do any consistant proofreading. Thanks.

Edited November 15, 2022 by nycboi

[Guest]

7 hours ago, MscleLovr said:

...I simply said to him that I’d recently read a psychological study which found that men with a leather fetish were of above average intelligence and tended to have intellectual interests...

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

14 hours ago, nycboi said:

Rejection hurts me so hard that I wrongly assume stuff all time. Unfortunately I was never able to entirely overcome certain aspects of my self-steem since my teenage years. You can say I'm still dealing with my demons. 

The guys I like seem to be part of the 1% when it comes to looks (why did God make me so superficial in the first place?). They tend to be big, hairy, with handsome faces, big, with nice beards, great pecs, wide backs, butts on point,  big, masculine, big, tall and big again as hell. At the clubs, these hot studs would ignore me or look at me in a way that makes think I'm just not their type. I'm not too sure. I'm very new to the scene. It really bothers me because I don't think I look bad. But my expectations are perhaps too high. Maybe I'm just assuming too much. I really want to shoot my shot but I'm so afraid to get ignored or rejected that I end up not trying at all.

I love this forum because you guys don't seem to sugarcoat stuff out of diplomacy. It's always interesting to read your posts even if I get attack. My question is genuine. Please try to be nice. Thanks. 

Classic case of pot calling the kettle black.

On this other thread (link below), @nycboisaid he wanted to become an escort but only accept the best looking men as clients because he's better looking than most people and regrets hooking up with men who "aren't on his level".  Now, he wonders why attractive men ignore him.  Sounds like looking through a window and not liking the view, then realizing it's a mirror.

Start by not modeling the same behavior you find negative in others.  Best wishes on your journey

 

[+ Pensant]

22 hours ago, MscleLovr said:

It was an academic study I read. Researchers had interviewed guys who frequented and dressed appropriately for leather bars. It was a survey of IIRC 250-300 self-defined leather fetishists who were prepared to answer questions on their education, occupation, other interests etc. 

I must confess to a life-long boot fetish!

[+ purplekow]

On 11/15/2022 at 12:54 AM, nycboi said:

Rejection hurts me so hard that I wrongly assume stuff all time. Unfortunately I was never able to entirely overcome certain aspects of my self-steem since my teenage years. You can say I'm still dealing with my demons. 

The guys I like seem to be part of the 1% when it comes to looks (why did God make me so superficial in the first place?). They tend to be big, hairy, with handsome faces, big, with nice beards, great pecs, wide backs, butts on point,  big, masculine, big, tall and big again as hell. At the clubs, these hot studs would ignore me or look at me in a way that makes think I'm just not their type. I'm not too sure. I'm very new to the scene. It really bothers me because I don't think I look bad. But my expectations are perhaps too high. Maybe I'm just assuming too much. I really want to shoot my shot but I'm so afraid to get ignored or rejected that I end up not trying at all.

I love this forum because you guys don't seem to sugarcoat stuff out of diplomacy. It's always interesting to read your posts even if I get attack. My question is genuine. Please try to be nice. Thanks. 

First, rejection is all part of life.  Chance are, that the guy you are worrying about rejecting you was rejected by someone else in the recent past.  So, go up, talk to him.  Offer to buy him a drink.  Say something that might be interesting to him and go from there.  There are many possible reactions from "Get lost kid you bother me". to "Want to give me a blow job in the alley?"    See what he says and go from there.  Chances are his answer will be somewhere between those two and then it is a matter of showing yourself off as your best possible self.   Remember, he is a stranger to you and likely out there looking to meet someone just as you are.  If things go well fuck him.  If things go poorly, fuck HIM.  

Edited November 18, 2022 by purplekow

[pubic_assistance]

Althought you're right...many gays are snobs and hooking up is a game of *I can do better*. But that doesn't mean everyone is like that.

I worked for a year at Calin Klein when I was in my 20s. Although I was lucky enough to have been born to a beautiful mother and handsome father I was nice looking but I was not fashion model stunning.

What I was, was nice looking, friendly and approachable. I probably fucked half the models who came through those doors. All of them technically out of my league. But I never let that stop me from trying and it paid off more often than not.

I have no idea where YOU stand in terms of your looks but in my experience you are never barred from trying to "trade up" a few points. If you're back of the bus than you need to be aware of your social status and consider paying to get what you want from the front row.

[Thomas_Belgium]

Hi NYCboi,

Would you pay for a date with this guy?

[socurious]

On 11/19/2022 at 11:32 AM, Thomas_Belgium said:

Hi NYCboi,

Would you pay for a date with this guy?

I already did. But it wasn't a date. 

[+ friendofsheila]

How do I know a guy at the club is not really into me?

Night vision goggles and a crystal ball, plus a copy of "The Rules That Every Gay Man Follows But Nobody Talks About or Tells Anybody About or Even Acknowledges Exists" should cover you. 

Truthfully, it always seemed to me that it's all part of some male behavior code and a bar behavior code.  I never could follow it, was never interesting-looking-enough to set my own rules, so I opted out of trying after a while.  Reading your story makes me glad I never bothered trying again.  

 

 

[Guest]

My boy, you may take it from me,
That of all the afflictions accurst
With which a man's saddled
And hampered and addled,
A diffident nature's the worst.
Though clever as clever can be –
A Crichton of early romance –
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance!

If you wish in the world to advance,
Your merits you're bound to enhance,
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance!
 

Robin & Richard.
If you wish in the world to advance,
Your merits you're bound to enhance,
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance!

Robin.
Now take, for example, my case:
I've a bright intellectual brain –
In all London city There's no one so witty –
I've thought so again and again.
I've a highly intelligent face –
My features cannot be denied –
But, whatever I try, sir, I fail in – and why, sir?
I'm modesty personified!

.If you wish in the world to advance,
Your merits you're bound to enhance,
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance!

Robin & Richard.
If you wish in the world to advance,
Your merits you're bound to enhance,
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance!

Robin.
As a poet, I'm tender and quaint –
I've passion and fervour and grace –
From Ovid and Horace To Swinburne and Morris,
They all of them take a back place.
Then I sing and I play and I paint:
Though none are accomplished as I,
To say so were treason:
You ask me the reason?
I'm diffident, modest, and shy!

.If you wish in the world to advance,
Your merits you're bound to enhance,
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance!

Robin & Richard.
If you wish in the world to advance,
Your merits you're bound to enhance,
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance!

 

[TylerInTexas]

He slapped you in the face while you tried to kiss him?

[kingsley88]

Is this for a hookup or for a relationship/boyfriend?

If it's to hookup, it may just be timing and taking advantage of the opportunity when it comes (i.e. when the hot guy just got dumped and is very horny and just want to hookup with anyone who's giving him attention...) I remember in college I had a friend who was average looking but hooked up with some really hot guys at the clubs. Yes alcohol and some chem stuff were most likely involved but he still hooked up with them.

As for dating/relationship/boyfriend stuff, it may be similar in the straight world where money and citizenship may play a role.

 

[socurious]

4 hours ago, kingsley88 said:

Is this for a hookup or for a relationship/boyfriend?

If it's to hookup, it may just be timing and taking advantage of the opportunity when it comes (i.e. when the hot guy just got dumped and is very horny and just want to hookup with anyone who's giving him attention...) I remember in college I had a friend who was average looking but hooked up with some really hot guys at the clubs. Yes alcohol and some chem stuff were most likely involved but he still hooked up with them.

As for dating/relationship/boyfriend stuff, it may be similar in the straight world where money and citizenship may play a role.

 

Hookup or everything after that (friendship). 

At this point of my life I'm sincerely not ready for a serious relationship. Maybe a friendship...

[socurious]

4 hours ago, kingsley88 said:

Is this for a hookup or for a relationship/boyfriend?

If it's to hookup, it may just be timing and taking advantage of the opportunity when it comes (i.e. when the hot guy just got dumped and is very horny and just want to hookup with anyone who's giving him attention...) I remember in college I had a friend who was average looking but hooked up with some really hot guys at the clubs. Yes alcohol and some chem stuff were most likely involved but he still hooked up with them.

As for dating/relationship/boyfriend stuff, it may be similar in the straight world where money and citizenship may play a role.

Damn. That's actually sad. 

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

On 11/20/2022 at 12:44 PM, nycboi said:

On 11/19/2022 at 8:32 AM, Thomas_Belgium said:

Hi NYCboi,

Would you pay for a date with this guy?

I already did. But it wasn't a date. 

Great! Then hire him again!  Problem solved