My road to self-destruction

[Wolfer]

Before you ask, I am getting help. I am fighting this with tooth and nail. Yet here I am and I feel the need to share this with people that aren't friends or loved ones.

 

If you feel like giving me tough love, please don't. Tough love makes me feel bad about myself and feeling bad about myself is what triggers most of this, continuing the vicious cycle.

 

Last year, after my divorce was finalized, I quit my job and used the money I had saved for a downpayment to go travelling. I chilled out for about half a year in Europe and then travelled California for two and a half months, with a stop-over in New York to binge on Broadway shows before heading back home to Belgium.

 

These experiences were life-changing. I am not the same person as I was. I am stronger, so much stronger. Which is why coming back home after all that travel and being hit with one of the worst episodes of depression has sent me reeling into a tailspin of self-destruction which has completely blindsided me. The numbness is what makes it the hardest: when you're numb you just don't CARE anymore.

 

Last month I've spent almost 100 dollars on porn that I didn't even watch. I convinced my GP to prescribe me Cialis and Priligy so I could fuck endlessly (have not taken them yet and only had sex twice in the past two months). Every single interaction with ANY person rattles every single insecurity I have to my very core.

I've impulsively booked a weekend to Paris (I'm here now) and splurged on a 2-hour session but I'm not even horny (my depression crushes my libido). The session is tomorrow.

I also booked a photographer to shoot me in the nude here in Paris. The photographer was gorgeous himself and it crushed me. I did also take nude pictures of him, though. So yay. And he hugged me twice, super awkwardly.

I've ordered over 100 dollars worth of generic Viagra, Cialis and Priligy from an online pharmacy.

Going to Barcelona next week for the Circuit Festival. I'll be taking my Cialis and Priligy! I don't take drugs and don't drink alcohol so that's a relieve.

 

Hahaha, apart from all the money I'm spending (which I technically can afford even though I'd be better off saving it), it seems my spinning out of control is still quite... Well, doable, I guess? But it sure feels like I'm constantly on the verge of total self-destruction.

 

But it's the CONSTANT need to be validated that is SO exhausting and I am FULLY aware of it too. And the more I look outside for validation the more insecure I get. That combined with my numbness makes me wildly flail about looking for anything that will make me feel better.

 

The things that are going right: I meditate and do yoga twice a day, I eat healthy, I reach out to people, I write in my journal. I'm actively looking for a therapist that is a good match for me. Last one I didn't really click with.

[gallahadesquire]

At this point, you should consider an antidepressant. And be evaluated for bipolar disorder

[BaronArtz]

It is not up to me to give you advice. But when I read this I thought - he wanted a change in life style after the divorce, had the money and went on a long trip. The partying, the Cialis - many people live their life like that without thinking twice about it. It seems that it is just not fun for you anymore. Congratulations to you for realizing that you want/need to make changes. Just MAKE those changes ...

[+ harey]

@Wolfer I hope there is a person you can confide in, someone who really knows you and will listen. Seeking additional professional help sounds like a good idea. Take care.

[Lookin]

Can't think of anything better than your plan to find a therapist to work through these concerns that are distressing you. It's not uncommon to try more than one therapist to find one you click with. It's worth the trouble.

 

The only other thing I'd suggest is to not beat yourself up about the path you've taken to get to this point. Fact is, it got you here. Rather than destroying yourself, it sounds like you're on the road to renewing yourself. http://www.boytoy.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/thumbsup.png

 

[+ easygoingpal]

Here's my two cents... Keep fighting the depression. I am not your friend nor a loved one. I am also fighting my own battles and I am thinking that most of us are fighting them in some degree or another. You are dealing with two major life changes, divorce and you quit your job. So consistent patterns are now broken. Establishing new healthy patterns might be a good idea. I am dealing myself with not letting my new hobby of hiring from getting out of control. I am hopeful that by next month I will slow it down to maybe seeing one person a month and perhaps at some point it will be once every few months and going back to feeling happy on my own... It's taking a lot of will power and hope you find it in yourself as you have identified some good habits already like yoga and meditation. I am looking inside myself for answers... Peace to you.

[+ sync]

I believe your continuing to seek a depression specialist is a good way to go, but along with that, understand that a year is not that long a time to adapt to another lifestyle, in your case domestically and professionally. You may be expecting too much from yourself too soon. I hope you come back to us with news of a positive turn-around in the near future.

[bigvalboy]

Lots of great advice above, but my observation is, that it just seems like you're running from something, or to something, without knowing what it is. I don't think you will find it in Paris or Barcelona or New York, and most likely not in California. I would say to slow it down a little, take a deep breath, go home to Belgium until you can figure it all out and consider the advice from @gallahadesquire. I also like the advice @Lookin

gave you. What's done is done, the fact is you are here now, and most likely you are the only one that can fix you.

 

I get up every morning and give that guy staring back at me in the mirror and little wink. It's a nice way to start my day.

 

Kudos to you for coming here and talking to strangers...Wish you all the best.

Edited August 5, 2018 by bigvalboy

[+ purplekow]

It does sound as though you may have had a manic episode with all the traveling and spending and the hypersexuality. All of that is symptomatic of a deeper issue which is best treated with therapy, which you are already seeking and medication, which is likely to be a recommendation of the therapist. If you have the wherewithal to get back home and start living you new life, you should do that. You do not need the perfect therapist, you just need a therapist to get you started while you look for the perfect therapist. Saying that you need the perfect therapist assumes that there is such a thing and anything less is not worthwhile. Start moving in the right direction rather than spinning out of control. That is the best next step.

[+ E.T.Bass]

Kudos for all those things you are doing right for yourself each day.

[Wolfer]

Aaaw, thanks guy for all the support and kind words! I wanted to say (or clarify I guess) that the partying and tailspinning only started when I got back home from travelling. During my travels I had made the conscious decision to not date or hire and have no sex because I wanted to focus on healing from everything that had happened the last three years.

I even spent two months at a yoga and meditation retreat in Northern California where I was up before dawn every day to meditate and do yoga and met wonderful people who helped me so much. So my travelling was actually very healing and wholesome. That's why I was so unprepared for the emotional sledgehammer that hit me when I did return home. Because I had been thinking I'd come home with all this newfound strength and all ready to make changes in my life and WHAM BAM I'm cowering under the covers bawling my eyes out.

 

At this point, you should consider an antidepressant. And be evaluated for bipolar disorder

I've thought about that so much over the years and I've been to psychiatrists and therapists and asked if I had either bipolar or borderline but all of them were unanimous that I had neither and didn't need medication of any kind, just good therapy.

I also talked to a friend of mine who works in mental healthcare and who has had a boyfriend with borderline (so he has direct experience being close to someone like that) and he says he's very sure I don't have borderline.

Seems like it's more a case of unhealed trauma from my childhood (which WAS pretty rough) and that just makes me veer off of the healthy path sometimes.

 

I am dealing myself with not letting my new hobby of hiring from getting out of control. I am hopeful that by next month I will slow it down to maybe seeing one person a month and perhaps at some point it will be once every few months and going back to feeling happy on my own... It's taking a lot of will power and hope you find it in yourself as you have identified some good habits already like yoga and meditation. I am looking inside myself for answers... Peace to you.

I hear you! With me I've been able to curb my spending somewhat by both applying willpower and just "good" luck (in the sense that there aren't providers peaking my interest or just had a lousy session which took away the desire to hire again). Looking within is very, VERY good!!

 

I believe your continuing to seek a depression specialist is a good way to go, but along with that, understand that a year is not that long a time to adapt to another lifestyle, in your case domestically and professionally. You may be expecting too much from yourself too soon. I hope you come back to us with news of a positive turn-around in the near future.

Thanks! Yeah, it's important I give myself permission just to be myself instead of adding more pressure.

 

Lots of great advice above, but my observation is, that it just seems like you're running from something, or to something, without knowing what it is. I don't think you will find it in Paris or Barcelona or New York, and most likely not in California. I would say to slow it down a little, take a deep breath, go home to Belgium until you can figure it all out and consider the advice from @gallahadesquire. I also like the advice @Lookin

gave you. What's done is done, the fact is you are here now, and most likely you are the only one that can fix you.

 

I get up every morning and give that guy staring back at me in the mirror and little wink. It's a nice way to start my day.

 

Kudos to you for coming here and talking to strangers...Wish you all the best.

Thanks for the kind words! I know exactly what I'm running from... Feeling like I have no other choice but to be part of the rat race and it just... It terrifies me.

[Guest]

At this point, you should consider an antidepressant. And be evaluated for bipolar disorder

 

Yes, he does paint a textbook presentation of bipolar disorder. However, people with bipolar disorder should be put on a mood stabilizer such as Depakote or lithium before going on an antidepressant, or they may go into a huge manic phase.

[gallahadesquire]

Yes, he does paint a textbook presentation of bipolar disorder. However, people with bipolar disorder should be put on a mood stabilizer such as Depakote or lithium before going on an antidepressant, or they may go into a huge manic phase.

True. I am not familiar with bipolar. I only ever treated pain-related depression.

[+ Cash4Trash]

Ketamine infusions for depression are showing great results. A nasal spray form is in the works and for the 70% who have a positive response it's much better than any anti-depressant on the market.

[mike carey]

@Wolfer, I can't claim the expertise of others who have commented here, I can only make uninformed comments that you are entitled to ignore. I would say find other things to do. Jump on your bicycle and spend a weekend in Flanders or the Ardennes. It's not all about sex. Find non-sexual things to do. I joined a gay camping group, it was fun and the only sex was between people who came to the group as couples (well, I think that was all there was!). Of course don't ignore serious mental health advice, those suggestions are important. I don't know your circumstances, but I was closeted for years, from the world and from myself, I came out only slowly. I had uninspiring sex, and I met my first escort a few years ago. I've met some wonderful guys through this site (in various ways, I'm not talking about face-to-face meetings) but it's not the only place to meet them. I've found the vicarious engagement here important, I'm not chasing sex every minute of the day. Scale back, do what you want to do, don't rush because you think you should. As others have said, seek a therapist if things seem to be getting out of control.

[Wolfer]

@Wolfer, I can't claim the expertise of others who have commented here, I can only make uninformed comments that you are entitled to ignore. I would say find other things to do. Jump on your bicycle and spend a weekend in Flanders or the Ardennes. It's not all about sex. Find non-sexual things to do. I joined a gay camping group, it was fun and the only sex was between people who came to the group as couples (well, I think that was all there was!). Of course don't ignore serious mental health advice, those suggestions are important. I don't know your circumstances, but I was closeted for years, from the world and from myself, I came out only slowly. I had uninspiring sex, and I met my first escort a few years ago. I've met some wonderful guys through this site (in various ways, I'm not talking about face-to-face meetings) but it's not the only place to meet them. I've found the vicarious engagement here important, I'm not chasing sex every minute of the day. Scale back, do what you want to do, don't rush because you think you should. As others have said, seek a therapist if things seem to be getting out of control.

Thanks, I love that advice! I've bought a guitar and am practicing now. I'm looking at getting a cottage for a weekend in the rural side of Flanders (Ardennes can be nice but it's such a long drive).

[Rudynate]

It does sound as though you may have had a manic episode with all the traveling and spending and the hypersexuality. All of that is symptomatic of a deeper issue which is best treated with therapy, which you are already seeking and medication, which is likely to be a recommendation of the therapist. If you have the wherewithal to get back home and start living you new life, you should do that. You do not need the perfect therapist, you just need a therapist to get you started while you look for the perfect therapist. Saying that you need the perfect therapist assumes that there is such a thing and anything less is not worthwhile. Start moving in the right direction rather than spinning out of control. That is the best next step.

 

 

The wisdom and good sense of PKs advice momentarily took my breath away.

[Guest]

Thanks, I love that advice! I've bought a guitar and am practicing now. I'm looking at getting a cottage for a weekend in the rural side of Flanders (Ardennes can be nice but it's such a long drive).

Belgians always crack me up with what they consider a "long drive". I just checked on google maps how long it takes with usual traffic to drive from De Panne to Arlon, about the longest drive I could think of in Belgium, and it came to 3 hours and 20 minutes... But good luck to you. I hope you get the help you need. Big hug!

[+ sniper]

Is there a relatively low-stress job you could take just to help establish a routine?

[+ Charlie]

If you repressed your sexual desires for a long time, it is natural to think that if you have a lot of great sex, you will feel much better. You won't. It isn't the sex itself that you need, but something else that the sex represents for you. It sounds like you have already figured out that much. I would second the advice of those who recommend finding someone to help you understand what that something is and how to satisfy that need.

[marylander1940]

True. I am not familiar with bipolar. I only ever treated pain-related depression.

 

Yet your diagnose was accurate. Good luck to you @Wolfer get treatment or the ups and downs will be more intense. I know because of a friend's daughter, she's doing great now yet she got help at the right time.

[+ easygoingpal]

Yet your diagnose was accurate. Good luck to you @Wolfer get treatment or the ups and downs will be more intense. I know because of a friend's daughter, she's doing great now yet she got help at the right time.

@marylander1940 Let's send @Wolfer on an R&R trip to Ajijic and if he likes the place maybe he can help us establish a community of ex-message-forum posters...

[LADoug1]

I think it’s time to be re-evaluated as to whether or not you are bipolar. Previous evaluations may no longer be relevant. Plus a new evaluation may uncover another diagnosis. A temporary course of meds may be helpful to get you through the current stressors.

 

Also consider the possibility of PTSD. The divorce and related stresses may be causing it.

 

Good luck too finding a competent psychiatrist. They’re one in a million.

Edited August 7, 2018 by LADoug1

[Walker1]

It is different for everyone. Growing up in a conservative, but very tight knit family then moving and being gay openly in a very liberal area was tough enough. On top of that I had to deal with me being very feminine, I put on a lot of weight and almost adopted a drag queen persona and was quite the queen beyotch. But many events shattered and you are left grasping at reality-no matter what you do, good, bad, life passes on and you die

 

I tried a lot of new age, native American type spirituality -but nothing really worked-I was feeling emptier and emptier and the outside had a fully busy life. Through a twist of fate had kids, close to family again and life has taken a different turn. This doesn't mean that is the answer, I know of a person with two kids and a beautiful wife who committed suicide-but to each his own.

 

Life has its ebbs and flows and the more you live, the more you realize there are great portions of it where you have absolutely no control at all. When you are young, it is easy to be hard charging and think you can control everything or be sure of right and wrong and then you grow up and it becomes one giant blob of random events all somehow connected. Spiritually I still follow eastern traditions-but I don't know. I guess we all just have to find our place and be comfortable in this journey.

 

Good luck-not sure if any help-but everyone finds their own way. I think the best piece of advice was from a waitress at Denny's that I used to frequent when I was really down . She said,"Don't think too much" in her broken accent, spinning her finger at her head and I find it to be true-for me. The more you ponder and try and figure out, the more headache you get, acceptance of most things-not all-makes it easier-for me at least.

[P Gren]

Aaaw, thanks guy for all the support and kind words! I wanted to say (or clarify I guess) that the partying and tailspinning only started when I got back home from travelling. During my travels I had made the conscious decision to not date or hire and have no sex because I wanted to focus on healing from everything that had happened the last three years.

I even spent two months at a yoga and meditation retreat in Northern California where I was up before dawn every day to meditate and do yoga and met wonderful people who helped me so much. So my travelling was actually very healing and wholesome. That's why I was so unprepared for the emotional sledgehammer that hit me when I did return home. Because I had been thinking I'd come home with all this newfound strength and all ready to make changes in my life and WHAM BAM I'm cowering under the covers bawling my eyes out.

 

I've thought about that so much over the years and I've been to psychiatrists and therapists and asked if I had either bipolar or borderline but all of them were unanimous that I had neither and didn't need medication of any kind, just good therapy.

I also talked to a friend of mine who works in mental healthcare and who has had a boyfriend with borderline (so he has direct experience being close to someone like that) and he says he's very sure I don't have borderline.

Seems like it's more a case of unhealed trauma from my childhood (which WAS pretty rough) and that just makes me veer off of the healthy path sometimes.

 

I hear you! With me I've been able to curb my spending somewhat by both applying willpower and just "good" luck (in the sense that there aren't providers peaking my interest or just had a lousy session which took away the desire to hire again). Looking within is very, VERY good!!

 

Thanks! Yeah, it's important I give myself permission just to be myself instead of adding more pressure.

 

Thanks for the kind words! I know exactly what I'm running from... Feeling like I have no other choice but to be part of the rat race and it just... It terrifies me.

This is a question - so I hope it is received as a question. Do you have loose threads in your life that need to resolve? I find uncompleted baggage really can weigh me down. Would a list of 10 things to finish off be a useful and/or practical tactic for you?

Edited August 6, 2018 by P Gren