My road to self-destruction

[Smurof]

The ultimate career path for what you seek in life is that of stand-up comedian. Constantly seeking validation while always traveling, but never being mentally stable, is exactly what that profession is. I'd be great at it if I didn't foolishly end up blacklisted years ago, so my career path changed. Good luck.

[Wolfer]

Belgians always crack me up with what they consider a "long drive". I just checked on google maps how long it takes with usual traffic to drive from De Panne to Arlon, about the longest drive I could think of in Belgium, and it came to 3 hours and 20 minutes... But good luck to you. I hope you get the help you need. Big hug!

Hahaha, that's what amused ME when I was in the US, but the other way around. How casual US people are about distances there. My friend would be like: "Hey, wanna have a quick visit to this hot spring spa today?" And it would be a four hour drive and he wouldn't even blink. I was like "Whaaaaaat???". If I drive four hours I'm all the way in Paris! Hahaha.

 

Is there a relatively low-stress job you could take just to help establish a routine?

Check! Have a job like that, since July. Low-stress, nice colleagues, good boss. My life is very routinized at the moment.

 

If you repressed your sexual desires for a long time, it is natural to think that if you have a lot of great sex, you will feel much better. You won't. It isn't the sex itself that you need, but something else that the sex represents for you. It sounds like you have already figured out that much. I would second the advice of those who recommend finding someone to help you understand what that something is and how to satisfy that need.

I understand where this comes from, but I was basically born doing jazz-hands. I was in the closet for maybe about two seconds in my whole life. So nothing repressed here. But it is true what you say, when we are desperately grabbing at things it's often because we're missing something that has nothing to do with the things we're grabbing at.

 

It is different for everyone. Growing up in a conservative, but very tight knit family then moving and being gay openly in a very liberal area was tough enough. On top of that I had to deal with me being very feminine, I put on a lot of weight and almost adopted a drag queen persona and was quite the queen beyotch. But many events shattered and you are left grasping at reality-no matter what you do, good, bad, life passes on and you die

 

I tried a lot of new age, native American type spirituality -but nothing really worked-I was feeling emptier and emptier and the outside had a fully busy life. Through a twist of fate had kids, close to family again and life has taken a different turn. This doesn't mean that is the answer, I know of a person with two kids and a beautiful wife who committed suicide-but to each his own.

 

Life has its ebbs and flows and the more you live, the more you realize there are great portions of it where you have absolutely no control at all. When you are young, it is easy to be hard charging and think you can control everything or be sure of right and wrong and then you grow up and it becomes one giant blob of random events all somehow connected. Spiritually I still follow eastern traditions-but I don't know. I guess we all just have to find our place and be comfortable in this journey.

 

Good luck-not sure if any help-but everyone finds their own way. I think the best piece of advice was from a waitress at Denny's that I used to frequent when I was really down . She said,"Don't think too much" in her broken accent, spinning her finger at her head and I find it to be true-for me. The more you ponder and try and figure out, the more headache you get, acceptance of most things-not all-makes it easier-for me at least.

Thank you for these words. It does sound challenging. I guess I've gone through a similar transition (though the details are completely different): when I was married I always knew exactly who I was and since I've been single it's like all bets are off... Things I thought I knew to be certainties about me and my personality have been completely undone (and most of them for the better, I've grown as a person because of this and broadened my horizons and raised my awareness). But that doesn't take away that I feel like the ground I'm standing on is constantly shifting.

 

The ultimate career path for what you seek in life is that of stand-up comedian. Constantly seeking validation while always traveling, but never being mentally stable, is exactly what that profession is. I'd be great at it if I didn't foolishly end up blacklisted years ago, so my career path changed. Good luck.

This is interesting. I actually do write and perform comedy theater. Not stand-up per se, more like a type of cabaret (but it's very, very close to stand-up). It's a hobby, though, at the moment.

[mike carey]

Hahaha, that's what amused ME when I was in the US, but the other way around. How casual US people are about distances there. My friend would be like: "Hey, wanna have a quick visit to this hot spring spa today?" And it would be a four hour drive and he wouldn't even blink. I was like "Whaaaaaat???". If I drive four hours I'm all the way in Paris! Hahaha.

Lol, I totally get where you're coming from. Being Australian, my mentality is more like your American friends. I live in a small town (Tumut) and spend some of my time in Canberra. It's a two hour drive between them and I don't really plan trips between the two, I just jump in my car and go. Tumut to Sydney is about four hours and Canberra to Sydney three, and I travel between the three with little consideration. I confess to being amused when you said the Ardennes were too far. I belong to a gay camping group and have often driven six hours for a weekend camping trip.

[JayCeeKy]

As I used to tell my supervisees in clinical social work: there is no such thing as Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia - they are merely groups of behavioral signs (what the clinician observes) and symptoms (what the client reports) that occur with enough frequency together to put them in a discernable class - and, for the sake of treatment and communication among professionals (and for billing!) we give them a label (that is why the DSM is constantly being revised - our knowledge of these disorders is constantly changing). In your particular case, it does appear to me that you have more than sufficient signs/symptoms to justify a Dx of Bipolar Disorder (possibly Bipolar II since it appears that you are able to function without major problems). I suspect you already know this, as you reported, and perhaps you have been on mood stabilizers previously. Many people with Bipolar go off their meds because of the possible side effects (including pancreatic shutdown and metabolic syndrome) - and they usually cause a "flattening of affect" (emotional numbness) that cause some clients to say that the cure is worse than the disease! Similarly, many clients with Bipolar go off their meds because, although they don't like the depression part of the illness, they do like the increased energy, "creativity," and elevated mood of the manic stage. I strongly suspect that you were in a manic (or hypomanic) state for a couple of years and now you find yourself quickly crashing into a depressive stage. I would strongly encourage you to see a board-certified psychiatrist for an evaluation and possible meds along with talk therapy that will help you monitor your moods and devise strategies to deal with the highs and lows of Bipolar. Otherwise, you may end up in the same place as many people with Bipolar Disorder who go off their meds - either in the psych ward or the local jail. Good luck.

Edited August 7, 2018 by JayCeeKy

[Guest]

Hahaha, that's what amused ME when I was in the US, but the other way around. How casual US people are about distances there. My friend would be like: "Hey, wanna have a quick visit to this hot spring spa today?" And it would be a four hour drive and he wouldn't even blink. I was like "Whaaaaaat???". If I drive four hours I'm all the way in Paris! Hahaha.

 

Just out of curiosity, how long would it take you to drive from where you are to the Ardennes? I must admit I've thought of having a summer retirement house in Sint-Genesius-Rode or Lasne...

Edited August 7, 2018 by Unicorn

[Wolfer]

Just out of curiosity, how long would it take you to drive from where you are to the Ardennes? I must admit I've thought of having a summer retirement house in Sint-Genesius-Rode or Lasne...

Depending on what part you're visiting (it's quite a big region) about a good 2-3 hour drive.

[Wolfer]

As I used to tell my supervisees in clinical social work: there is no such thing as Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia - they are merely groups of behavioral signs (what the clinician observes) and symptoms (what the client reports) that occur with enough frequency together to put them in a discernable class - and, for the sake of treatment and communication among professionals (and for billing!) we give them a label (that is why the DSM is constantly being revised - our knowledge of these disorders is constantly changing). In your particular case, it does appear to me that you have more than sufficient signs/symptoms to justify a Dx of Bipolar Disorder (possibly Bipolar II since it appears that you are able to function without major problems). I suspect you already know this, as you reported, and perhaps you have been on mood stabilizers previously. Many people with Bipolar go off their meds because of the possible side effects (including pancreatic shutdown and metabolic syndrome) - and they usually cause a "flattening of affect" (emotional numbness) that cause some clients to say that the cure is worse than the disease! Similarly, many clients with Bipolar go off their meds because, although they don't like the depression part of the illness, they do like the increased energy, "creativity," and elevated mood of the manic stage. I strongly suspect that you were in a manic (or hypomanic) state for a couple of years and now you find yourself quickly crashing into a depressive stage. I would strongly encourage you to see a board-certified psychiatrist for an evaluation and possible meds along with talk therapy that will help you monitor your moods and devise strategies to deal with the highs and lows of Bipolar. Otherwise, you may end up in the same place as many people with Bipolar Disorder who go off their meds - either in the psych ward or the local jail. Good luck.

To be honest, the more this certain diagnosis is mentioned of me in this thread and then the reasons why, I'm getting more and more sure I'm not bipolar.

 

But discussing the details of how and why I think are beyond the scope of a forum discussion. I will consider what has been said and take it from there.

 

Again thanks for the kind words and suggestions. They have really helped me.

 

Big Belgian hug, you guys!

[+ nycman]

I'm getting more and more sure I'm not bipolar.

[Wolfer]

Precisely the answer I was anticipating.

And also the reason I feel that the actual details of my mental health and diagnosis are best left to the professionals who actually see me in real life and have a full overview of my detailed medical history.

I appreciate the visual pun, though, and thanks for calling me out.

[LookingAround]

Sounds very much like a bipolar episode. You should see a psychiatrist for medication.

 

I’m getting more and more convinced it probably is bipolar the more you reveal your symptoms.

[+ easygoingpal]

To be honest, the more this certain diagnosis is mentioned of me in this thread and then the reasons why, I'm getting more and more sure I'm not bipolar.

 

But discussing the details of how and why I think are beyond the scope of a forum discussion. I will consider what has been said and take it from there.

 

Again thanks for the kind words and suggestions. They have really helped me.

 

Big Belgian hug, you guys!

Awww... Thanks for the big, warm, strong hug... At least that's how I felt it... Have a terrific life!

[+ Gar1eth]

Hahaha, that's what amused ME when I was in the US, but the other way around. How casual US people are about distances there. My friend would be like: "Hey, wanna have a quick visit to this hot spring spa today?" And it would be a four hour drive and he wouldn't even blink. I was like "Whaaaaaat???". If I drive four hours I'm all the way in Paris! Hahaha.

Lol, I totally get where you're coming from. Being Australian, my mentality is more like your American friends. I live in a small town (Tumut) and spend some of my time in Canberra. It's a two hour drive between them and I don't really plan trips between the two, I just jump in my car and go. Tumut to Sydney is about four hours and Canberra to Sydney three, and I travel between the three with little consideration. I confess to being amused when you said the Ardennes were too far. I belong to a gay camping group and have often driven six hours for a weekend camping trip.

 

Not to minimize the psychological main thrust of this thread. But not all of us travel like this. I'm both an American and a Texan-a state known for large distances. When I lived near a smaller coastal city in Texas, I'd drive for 2 hours to San Antonio when I had scheduled a weekend with an escort. I hated that drive. I often needed a Red Bull or two to stay awake. And once while living in the Dallas area I traveled 2 hours away for lunch with some family members for a chicken fried steak that had been written up in the newspaper (The paper turned out to be right. It was delicious.). But that was 10 years ago, and we've never repeated a similar trip since (although I'm trying to convince my Mom:p).

 

Gman

Edited August 7, 2018 by Gar1eth

[Rudynate]

Before you ask, I am getting help. I am fighting this with tooth and nail. Yet here I am and I feel the need to share this with people that aren't friends or loved ones.

 

If you feel like giving me tough love, please don't. Tough love makes me feel bad about myself and feeling bad about myself is what triggers most of this, continuing the vicious cycle.

 

Last year, after my divorce was finalized, I quit my job and used the money I had saved for a downpayment to go travelling. I chilled out for about half a year in Europe and then travelled California for two and a half months, with a stop-over in New York to binge on Broadway shows before heading back home to Belgium.

 

These experiences were life-changing. I am not the same person as I was. I am stronger, so much stronger. Which is why coming back home after all that travel and being hit with one of the worst episodes of depression has sent me reeling into a tailspin of self-destruction which has completely blindsided me. The numbness is what makes it the hardest: when you're numb you just don't CARE anymore.

 

Last month I've spent almost 100 dollars on porn that I didn't even watch. I convinced my GP to prescribe me Cialis and Priligy so I could fuck endlessly (have not taken them yet and only had sex twice in the past two months). Every single interaction with ANY person rattles every single insecurity I have to my very core.

I've impulsively booked a weekend to Paris (I'm here now) and splurged on a 2-hour session but I'm not even horny (my depression crushes my libido). The session is tomorrow.

I also booked a photographer to shoot me in the nude here in Paris. The photographer was gorgeous himself and it crushed me. I did also take nude pictures of him, though. So yay. And he hugged me twice, super awkwardly.

I've ordered over 100 dollars worth of generic Viagra, Cialis and Priligy from an online pharmacy.

Going to Barcelona next week for the Circuit Festival. I'll be taking my Cialis and Priligy! I don't take drugs and don't drink alcohol so that's a relieve.

 

Hahaha, apart from all the money I'm spending (which I technically can afford even though I'd be better off saving it), it seems my spinning out of control is still quite... Well, doable, I guess? But it sure feels like I'm constantly on the verge of total self-destruction.

 

But it's the CONSTANT need to be validated that is SO exhausting and I am FULLY aware of it too. And the more I look outside for validation the more insecure I get. That combined with my numbness makes me wildly flail about looking for anything that will make me feel better.

 

The things that are going right: I meditate and do yoga twice a day, I eat healthy, I reach out to people, I write in my journal. I'm actively looking for a therapist that is a good match for me. Last one I didn't really click with.

 

 

I don't agree that you're bipolar. You're nowhere close to being out of control. I've known some people with bipolar disorder. When they're in a manic phase, they're loads of fun to be around. But then then manic phase ends and they're physically incapable of getting out of bed. It sounds like you've lived sort of a buttoned-down life and you're experimenting.

 

You're doing exactly what you say your doing: wildly flail[ing] about looking for anything that will make me [you] feel better.

 

I don't have an answer for you. I'm a hog for self-help books. Even if I don't implement a single word of what I read in any particular book, when things aren't going well, they improve my mood, increase my sense of being in control, tell me something about myself that I didn't know before, etc., etc.

[+ nycman]

And also the reason I feel that the actual details of my mental health and diagnosis are best left to the professionals who actually see me in real life and have a full overview of my detailed medical history.

Amen brother.

 

Psychiatry 101....don’t EVER diagnose someone you haven’t personally examined and interviewed.

 

I appreciate the visual pun, though, and thanks for calling me out.

I’m glad you took it in the light hearted manner in which it was intended.

[Becket]

This reminds me of all the long distance attempts to diagnose The Donald. Or playing Whack-a-Mole.

Can you find a group? Doesn't have to perfectly fit your situation at this point. Just get around others trying to work things out with the help of the group.

My group always starts out with: We suggest you give yourself a break. Can you pray/meditate/be silent/ etc? Hope you find some peace.

[Chad Constantine]

Hmm It sounds to me that you hoped it was a mental disorder which just like your traveling to me feels like your running away from your problems. My first thought was you were either in an abusive relationship or you had a crushing divorce from the person you loved no longer loved you. Since you didnt talk about meeting friends on your travels my feeling is to protect yourself you created a facade to shield your true self from the strangers you were interacting with. Also, for me traveling for 3/4 of the the year really isnt life-changing you just developed new habits that you otherwise didnt have before. When you finally came home and had to deal with reality the facade was destroyed and you could not deal with all the emotional trauma which lead to the depression.

 

I am not a therapist but that is my feeling about your post. I am glad you are seeking help in trying to heal yourself. The road to self-actualization and healing the traumas in your life is going to be a lot of hard work and you will need a lot of will power. You seem to have an almost life-time of unresolved traumas so make sure you make a conscience effort not fall back into familiar negative habits.

[LookingAround]

 

I am not a therapist ...

 

(With respect) but it doesn’t stop you from sounding like one on an internet chat board. You’re dishing out lots of analysis of his motivations and psychodynamics sounding authoritative but without training. As a psychologist I’d caution you to be slightly more careful sounding like a knowledgeable authority with your analysis for a person who could have real psychiatric issues or illness.

[Wolfer]

Hey guys, here's an update. After having consultations with three professionals (one doctor and two mental health care therapists) the diagnosis is in: it's not bipolar, borderline or even major depressive disorder. It's undealt with childhood/youth trauma (abusive alcoholic dad and neglectful and emotionally distant mother).

 

I was referred to a therapist specialized in trauma and the first session was beyond amazing. I have my next session lined up for next week and I'm actually looking forward to it!

 

She's already taught me some techniques to deal with overwhelm and also learning to allow myself to FEEL whatever I'm feeling instead of clamping down/shutting down and numbing myself.

 

I'm actually looking forward to healing myself! And to be a calm, whole person that can interact with people without constantly feeling like I'm dying on the inside.

[+ easygoingpal]

Hey guys, here's an update. After having consultations with three professionals (one doctor and two mental health care therapists) the diagnosis is in: it's not bipolar, borderline or even major depressive disorder. It's undealt with childhood/youth trauma (abusive alcoholic dad and neglectful and emotionally distant mother).

 

I was referred to a therapist specialized in trauma and the first session was beyond amazing. I have my next session lined up for next week and I'm actually looking forward to it!

 

She's already taught me some techniques to deal with overwhelm and also learning to allow myself to FEEL whatever I'm feeling instead of clamping down/shutting down and numbing myself.

 

I'm actually looking forward to healing myself! And to be a calm, whole person that can interact with people without constantly feeling like I'm dying on the inside.

You GO @Wolfer...!

[nate_sf]

I'm glad you've found a therapist you like. As others have mentioned, it can take some trial and error to find the right fit. I've been seeing a great therapist off and on for many years... after the initial work with him, I took breaks and returned whenever there was a life change going on that I needed help with. It can be great to talk with someone who knows how to talk about all this kind of stuff!

 

Beyond the past trauma stuff, there is the matter that you've had some big changes in life, and there probably needs to be some time of figuring out what's next. Maybe call it "mid-life crisis" or what have you, but I'm guessing there are a lot of us here on the forum who have had some version of reinventing after a divorce, job change, coming out, or what have you. In my years as an escort I saw many variations of this, and it was great to see guys over time discover a new version of themselves and start to really enjoy life.

 

Other thing you mentioned is the need for validation from others, and that's a tough one. Social networking apps like Facebook and IG can be really detrimental in this regard, and can make people feel lousy. For myself I try to be cognizant of how much time I spend on these things, and be aware of whether they are putting me in a bad mood. At least for me I'm finding reading a good book keeps me in a better space than spending an hour on Facebook!

[Wolfer]

You GO @Wolfer...!

Thank you!!!

I'm glad you've found a therapist you like. As others have mentioned, it can take some trial and error to find the right fit. I've been seeing a great therapist off and on for many years... after the initial work with him, I took breaks and returned whenever there was a life change going on that I needed help with. It can be great to talk with someone who knows how to talk about all this kind of stuff!

 

Beyond the past trauma stuff, there is the matter that you've had some big changes in life, and there probably needs to be some time of figuring out what's next. Maybe call it "mid-life crisis" or what have you, but I'm guessing there are a lot of us here on the forum who have had some version of reinventing after a divorce, job change, coming out, or what have you. In my years as an escort I saw many variations of this, and it was great to see guys over time discover a new version of themselves and start to really enjoy life.

 

Other thing you mentioned is the need for validation from others, and that's a tough one. Social networking apps like Facebook and IG can be really detrimental in this regard, and can make people feel lousy. For myself I try to be cognizant of how much time I spend on these things, and be aware of whether they are putting me in a bad mood. At least for me I'm finding reading a good book keeps me in a better space than spending an hour on Facebook!

That's really what I feel like... Since my we seperated three years ago (actual legal divorce was finalized last year) I just have no clue who I am... And it feels like I'm constantly discovering new things about myself. On one hand that's great but it does give a sense of instability sometimes.

 

I hear you about social media. I limit it very strictly. I only follow people on Instagram I personally know in real-life and even then I don't follow all of them. Facebook I use purely for promoting my theater performances. And it's helped a great deal in how I feel.

 

I've recently started reading the "Jeeves" series of books by P.G. Wodehouse and I literally laugh out loud with those.