Two Down, One To Go

[BasketBaller]

Tell us more about this mystery you've been seeing. Did you make the first move?

I'll revive my other thread, about my baby steps into a gay social life and give the story there, so this thread focuses more on the boys and their growing independence. Watch that space!

[+ purplekow]

Don't forget the get together in DC in January. New participants to that party are always welcome.

[BasketBaller]

Another long gap, but no real changes to report until now. Older Brother is working on the Hill as a legislative assistant to a Congressperson he really likes, probably more of a resume-building job than a career, but who knows? He and his gf spend most weekends at her place, and now that he's working he's made noise about them moving in together when she starts her second year of law school in the fall. DePaul Twin is enjoying life, "kind of" seeing a girl in Chicago but, I think, mostly playing the field a bit. Navy Twin and his gf were both in town last weekend for the Presidents Day holiday, and are as serious as ever. The boys are all taller than me, and the twins are now taller than their brother, to which his response was, "Well, this is annoying."

 

And the news? Navy Twin and his gf, Older Brother and I were having brunch after church on Sunday, and I asked if there was anything new. Next semester he'll indicate his preference for Service Community, and he'd been vacillating between aviation and the Marines. Like all military jobs there are risks and dangers, and I've always known that. So he casually informed me that he'd been doing the screening, and was probably putting in for EOD as his first choice.

 

Explosive Ordnance Disposal. Explosive. Ordnance. Disposal.

 

You know, like Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker, but sometimes underwater in scuba gear. GF shot me a pleading look that seemed to say "Would you talk him the @#$%^ out of this??" But Older Brother said "Cool, " and carried on, and I asked a few questions but was so surprised it wasn't anything very cogent.

 

Now, I've always known this career would put him in harm's way. My dad was a Surface Warfare Officer and was deployed several times when I was a kid, and I know my mom worried about him constantly. The Marines would scarcely have been a "safe" choice, but I wasn't picturing something quite so explodey. But he's brave and wants to do the most he can and if this is where the Navy wants him I'll deal with it. There's no guarantee he'll get his first choice, and EOD is highly competitive, but he thinks his chances are good.

 

That evening I got a call from DePaul Twin, not a text or email so that means it's serious. He had been told and was beside himself. "PLEASE talk him out of it", he said, and "he can't, he just can't," I tried to assure him he'd be okay and we need to support him, and he started to cry. "What will I do if something happens to him?" and a lot of other things he's probably been holding in ever since his twin entered the Academy. I just listened, and then tried to be comforting, but he wasn't happy when he hung up.

 

Never a dull moment. Never.

Edited February 24, 2020 by BasketBaller

[alexslaveboy]

@BasketBaller

I certainly hope that everything works out well for Navy twin.....it's a scary time to be in any branch of the armed forces ??

I think I understand why DePaul twin is so upset

They definitely share a different and special bond....I have several sets of twin cousins and their bonds are very deep and scary with the "twin esp"

 

Definitely will keep him and all of you in my evening prayers ??

 

Great though, to get a update on the boys

Hope that you are doing well too!!

 

Alex from NJ

[+ sniper]

Yikes! Good luck!

[+ Gar1eth]

@BasketBaller, what a strange coincidence to hear from you today. I was actually thinking of you this morning and wondering if I had missed a Christmas/New Year's Update. It's always great to hear from you. I'm sure I'm not the only one who appreciates these glimpses into your family life.

 

Not being a father, I have no idea how well I'd react to finding out one of my children wanted to be an explosives expert-well actually I can imagine. And it most likely wouldn't be pretty. The description of how you handled it externally, no matter what you were feeling on the inside, is just another testament to what a great father you are. As always, I wish only the best for you and your family.

 

Gman

[BasketBaller]

And to follow up, the twins have apparently talked every day since, with DePaul twin trying to rationally make his point that this is a very dangerous job and that he should think hard before trying for it, and Navy Twin rationally saying he hasn't made a final decision but that it's also an important job that someone will have to do. The Naval Academy has a plethora of mottoes and slogans, but one which NT used on his brother is "If not me, who?" If he isn't selected for EOD someone else will be and take the risks. And if he can do the job as well or better, how can he not try? That apparently mollified DePaul Twin, at least some. He doesn't seem to have gotten emotional during these Skype sessions the way he did with me on the phone.

 

I had a long talk with my father, who has known EOD officers over the years. His response? "Good for him."

[mike carey]

That apparently mollified DePaul Twin, at least some. He doesn't seem to have gotten emotional during these Skype sessions the way he did with me on the phone.

You are the person he goes to to pour out his fears and seek some comfort and reassurance. It's not his brother he needs to or should seek that from, that has to be a rational discussion of the dangers and advisability of the choice. You gave him the emotional outlet to enable him to have that rational discussion with his twin brother. BZ.

Edited February 25, 2020 by mike carey

[Islesguy]

Another long gap, but no real changes to report until now. Older Brother is working on the Hill as a legislative assistant to a Congressperson he really likes, probably more of a resume-building job than a career, but who knows? He and his gf spend most weekends at her place, and now that he's working he's made noise about them moving in together when she starts her second year of law school in the fall.

I was just on The Hill having meetings but only on the Senate side. Legislative assistants are the key people in any Congressional office, so good on him for taking on that role. While it definitely is a great career builder, it's also a great way to learn about all kinds of issues that are important to people. All my meetings went longer than scheduled this year which is both highly unusual and extremely helpful.

[BasketBaller]

I was just on The Hill having meetings but only on the Senate side. Legislative assistants are the key people in any Congressional office, so good on him for taking on that role. While it definitely is a great career builder, it's also a great way to learn about all kinds of issues that are important to people. All my meetings went longer than scheduled this year which is both highly unusual and extremely helpful.

Thanks, he's working hard but loving it!

[LivingnLA]

And to follow up, the twins have apparently talked every day since, with DePaul twin trying to rationally make his point that this is a very dangerous job and that he should think hard before trying for it, and Navy Twin rationally saying he hasn't made a final decision but that it's also an important job that someone will have to do. The Naval Academy has a plethora of mottoes and slogans, but one which NT used on his brother is "If not me, who?" If he isn't selected for EOD someone else will be and take the risks. And if he can do the job as well or better, how can he not try? That apparently mollified DePaul Twin, at least some. He doesn't seem to have gotten emotional during these Skype sessions the way he did with me on the phone.

 

I had a long talk with my father, who has known EOD officers over the years. His response? "Good for him."

 

Yes, this is how my family has felt as well. Whether it was Army, Marines, Navy, or one of the many of us in mental health, medicine, or social work. We all have at some point asked our self, "If not me, who?" The tricky part is not letting ego-centrism cause us to lose sight of the fundamental reality that we are not superheroes. We cannot save everyone or everything. But, we can do our best and so long as we take care of ourselves too, we can do amazing things. All of us are part of the human family and must remember to say something if we see something because even the best of us can be overwhelmed and lost to the challenges of life.

[LoveAustinCF]

Are you stuck at home quarantining with your kids @BasketBaller ?

[BasketBaller]

Are you stuck at home quarantining with your kids @BasketBaller ?

Thanks for asking, sorry it took so long to reply. Yes, we're all home. Older Brother and I telecommuting, the twins having online classes. It's great to be together but we're all a bit bored. Older Brother is miserably pining away for his girlfriend, at home in Boston. Navy Twin's GF is here in DC but we're trying to respect self-isolation. Lots of Skyping in the house, though. One advantage, as I've mentioned before the twins like to cook, so we are eating very well as they experiment with new dishes.

 

The dynamic has changed a little. No squabbling, for one thing. The boys are men now and they're pretty mature even though there are plenty of laughs. But the clearest change is that Navy Twin is most obviously the Alpha. He was always the leader in the twins' lives, but their brother is deferring to him too, when he decides who needs to do what chore or what we're doing in the evening.

 

And it may not just be his brothers. In my other thread I told you I started seeing someone very casually last fall. (We are also Skyping some). I would describe as an FWB, buddies who hang out, and when we can, we have sex. The boys have all met him, they seem to like him, and they know we fool around, although I've never had him stay over when any of the boys were here. Yesterday DePaul Twin and Older Brother went for a bike ride. I asked Navy Twin why he didn't go to and he seriously said, "Because I want to talk to you, Dad." Uh-oh, what's this? I half expected to say he was proposing to his gf. So we sat the kitchen table and he said, "What's going on with you and this guy?" Well, I wasn't going to give gory details, but I said we share some interests and have a good time and it's nothing serious. And he gave me what my siblings and I used to call the "Naval Officer Glare" that my father gave us when we said something stupid. And he said, "Why not?" (What?) "Why isn't it serious? If you like him why hasn't it gone farther than just hanging out?" I said something about the fact that I never really thought much about it, and he said, "Well you should or you're not being fair to him." I asked what he meant, and again, The Glare." Because he's in love with you Dad. He fucking loves you." I started to sputter something and he held out his hand to stop me. "Haven't you seen the way he looks at you?" And no, I'd really never noticed that.

 

A long silence while I pondered the fact that my son was basically asking my intentions. Finally I said, the only real relationship I had was with your Mom, and I was head over heels in love with her from the moment we met. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I like my buddy but it's not like that. A somewhat softer Glare, and he said, "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good, Dad. You need to talk to him and let him know if you don't feel the way he does so he can move on."

 

Wow. Then something I did not expect at all. He said, "Next year I'll be gone, the Navy will send me away. DePaul Twin has another year to finish grad school, but he loves Chicago, I doubt he'll come back. But our brother won't leave unless he knows you're okay." I said he's talked about marrying his gf, and that they might move in together. "He might leave the house, but he'll never really leave. He won't. He almost dropped out of Fordham to come back and stay with you. We talked him out of it."

 

This was flabbergasting to me, I had no idea. I was quiet, and he finally got up and said, "Talk to him, okay?" I nodded. So-- I'm not sure this should be a Skype conversation but Lord knows when I'll see him in person, and I realized that I had been missing him. I'll keep you posted.

Edited April 29, 2020 by BasketBaller

[mike carey]

So, @BasketBaller the boys are smarter than even you thought, huh? Your love for them has shone through everything you've ever written about them here, and you have conveyed the extent to which they care for you. You may not have thought you were giving much away, but it was pretty clear. Sometimes you need someone else to tell you what you can't or don't want to see yourself. Your boys have seen and now one of them has told you. Don't imagine that they haven't talked about it. They wouldn't have said anything if they didn't think your guy was right for you. I hope you can take their advice. Will it work out? Nobody knows, but if you let him slip without asking, you'll forever regret it.

 

Good luck mate, you deserve to be happy.

[rvwnsd]

The kids always become the parents. In your case, it started about 25 years sooner than it does for everyone else. At least you have the apportunity to appreciate it.

 

Thanks, as always, for the update.

[liubit]

You’ve raised great boys, @BasketBaller, congratulations. Follow their advice and go for it. And, please, do keep us posted.

[Phil_musc]

Navy twin sounds like someone I'd like to know. Sounds amazingly level-headed, mature, and discerning. The girl who captures him will be one lucky lady, I think. Congrats on your obvious parenting skills. I'm sure the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

[Scott Virginian]

Damn, you raised some smart, strong, mature, no-bullshit men (in the best sense of the word). You should be really proud of him and take his advice. It's pretty damned good advice.

[BasketBaller]

Thanks to those of you who sent PM's wishing me a Happy Father's Day, and several people asked for an update. I'm so sorry to have left you hanging!

 

The day Navy Twin read me the riot act, I went to my room to lie down and think. When his brothers got home, he told them about our talk, and they were non-plussed to find he'd done it without them (I suspect so he could tell me his concern about his older brother). I could hear the shower going for a while and lots of murmuring, then a knock on my door. In came Older Brother and DePaul Twin to ask how I was doing. They had indeed all talked about it, but were planning to talk to me together. I said it was a lot to think about but I couldn't really argue against it, and told them I would talk to my buddy and see how it went.

 

He and I talk a lot, and Skype often, so the next evening I called him and asked if we could videochat. (That has usually involved some, ahem, cyber sex). But once we were online I basically told him what NT had said, leaving out the opinion that he's in love with me-- that was for him to say if he wanted to. He was quiet and asked what I thought. For the second time I described my promiscuity as a teenager when I slept around but never really had a girlfriend, never "went steady," and how the only relationship I'd ever been in was with my wife. And I said I missed seeing him, not just for the sex. So while I didn't quite know what it meant, I'm open to making this more serious. He grinned and said, "Are you asking me to go steady?" And we both laughed as I said yes, I guess I am. He said let me think and I'll get back to you.

 

In about a half an hour I heard a lot of commotion from the boys. I went to see what was up, and they were all in the den with their phones or laptops. My friend had emailed each one individually to say he appreciated their thoughts. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, that he would always be honest with me, that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, and that he would never do anything to come between them and me. And he ended with "So I am asking your permission to court your father." DT had responded "Go for it." OB had said, "Of course you can." NT said, "Hell yes!"

 

Back to Skype, where we said okay, let's see where this goes. One thing, we're not sure what to call "this." We're in our 40s and both feel "boyfriend" is kind of silly, but there may be nothing better for now. DePaul Twin jokingly suggested "gentlemen friends" but that's a little too Tennessee Williams for me.

 

Since then we pretty much talk every day although we haven't been physically together for months. But we are still sharing more and more of our lives, and I think this is working. There's more to tell, including an issue I alluded to in the other thread, but I'll save that, for another day.

 

It's odd living in a house as one of four celibate (for now) men. Without getting too graphic let me say the issue in the house these days is not running out of toilet paper, but running out of Kleenex. Older Brother is truly miserable and spends a lot of time in his room with his laptop. Navy Twin talks with his gf every day, and DePaul Twin has a couple of friends-who-are-girls he keeps up with in Chicago. And, well, I guess I'm in a long-distance relationship even though he's just across town. Wish us all luck.

Edited June 23, 2020 by BasketBaller

[+ sniper]

I mean, if you trust their SOs are being careful, it's probably not horrible to have them over. I REALLY do not get the impression most couples who don't live together are staying apart like this.

[Daverwr]

 

Wish us all luck.

 

 

So, I’ve been away from the forum for a few years. I returned a couple of months ago. I just happened upon your thread by reading the last few entries. Well, that made me go back to the beginning, page 1 of 24! I must say I thoroughly enjoyed the past 2 hours. You put so much heart into your writing. I feel like I know everyone, You, DePaul Twin, Navy Twin, and Older Brother. I certainly hope you are a writer in real life because you certainly have a gift. Thank you for bringing us into your life!

 

Warmest Regards,

David

Edited June 22, 2020 by Daverwr

[+ purplekow]

As to what to call him. I think Significant Other works though it does seem just slightly presumptuous. Companion or Longtime Companion has a long history but has an in the closet feel to it. Boyfriend is a bit juvenile. Lover is kind of in your face and in the present circumstance, not accurate.

Special friend seems like what you might call him in a children's book,,,,Basketballer and His Special Friend.

You might go with introducing him as your Partner or just,,,this is My Man. It is odd to me that in a language as evolving as English, that we do not have a clear cut term for adult sex partners who are not married or adults who are dating irrespective of the state of their sex lives.

[+ nycman]

"So I am asking your permission to court your father." DT had responded "Go for it." OB had said, "Of course you can." NT said, "Hell yes!"

Goddamit Baller!

I swore I wasn’t going to cry reading this thread anymore.

Fuck you!

 

And for the record, he‘s “the gentleman caller” in my book.

Then again, I adore all things Tennessee Williams....so I may not be the best one to ask.

 

Have fun bro.

[rvwnsd]

Thanks, as always, @BasketBaller , for the update. I love that he emailed the boys and ask for their permission to court you. How sweet. As to what to call him, PLEASE do not call him

...My Man...

because every time I hear that I think of

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKivfzjQxOQ:41

 

At the same time

...Basketballer and His Special Friend...

Could make for an excellent children's book for men who are coming out to their kids. Perhaps the two of you can collaborate and write it on a future anniversary.

[mike carey]

@BasketBaller my heart rejoices for you. I'm with NT.