Friday Funnies

[jackhammer91406]

That' when the fight started...

 

Thanks to a fellow poster who sent these to me. I will post a few this week....

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas

gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I

replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And

that's how the fight started.....

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order

first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you

worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's

when the fight started.....

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she

kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby

table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old

boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those

many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said,

"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the

fight started..

[jackhammer91406]

Then the fight started...part 2

 

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy

with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and

ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's

damn near perfect.."

And then the fight started........

 

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver

got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started..

 

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that

I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care

of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important

to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived

home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away

with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and

then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out

again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass,

you might as well sweep the driveway."

 

The doctors say I will walk again,

but I will always have a limp.

[leigh.bess.toad]

Jackhammer --

 

I've been meaning to say this for quite a while. I want to thank you so much for the great laughs you provide us every week. I share your jokes and stories with many people, as I'm sure others do. You bring a smile and a great laugh to so many people far beyond this forum.

 

If laughter is the best medicine, we should start calling you Dr. Jackhammer. Thank you for making this a better place to be.

[jackhammer91406]

just the guy who....

 

Jackhammer -- I want to thank you

I appreciate your kind words. The truth is family and friends have sent most of these to me to brighten my life over the last 15 months. They deserve the praise and thanks.

 

Me? I am just the cut and paste guy.

[jackhammer91406]

Getting old is highly overrated....

 

Unless you count being able to be cranky as a positive.

Anyway, here's a couple for this week.

 

 

Two elderly guys are sitting on the front porch of the Gay retirement home, doing nothing.

 

One guy turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old guy asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old guy replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old guy asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

**********************************************************

 

 

Three old guys were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first guy recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with his hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber he could buy for a penny.

The second old guy nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions he could buy for a penny a piece..

The third old guy remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

**********************************************************

 

 

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench at an Adult community. A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asked, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replied, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years since?'

'In prison,' he said.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

 

 

**********************************************************

 

A man was telling his neighbor 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art. It's perfect.'

 

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

 

'Twelve thirty.'

 

 

[jackhammer91406]

a bit early...

 

Forgive me for posting these a bit early but I will be kind of busy tomorrow and won't have a chance to get to my computer.

 

So here is this weeks post a few hours early.

First something new and then something from the vaults.

 

 

Letter to God

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

 

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

 

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

 

Of course Little Leroy thought he did.

 

Leroy's mother, being a religious woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

 

"Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

 

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

 

Letter #1:

"Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

 

Your friend, Leroy"

 

Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.

 

Letter #2:

"Dear God,

I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

 

Leroy"

 

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.

 

Letter #3:

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

 

Thank you,

Leroy"

 

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

By now Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad.

 

"Just be home in time for dinner", Leroy's mother told him.

 

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

 

Leroy began to write yet another letter to God.

 

Letter #4:

"God, I've got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike!

 

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO"

 

and now the one from the vaults..

 

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

 

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

 

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

[+ Lucky]

A very funny way to enjoy a Friday. One could have a different sort of day if jackhammer did not come up with these Friday funnies. Good luck, jackhammer, and I look forward to next Friday's funnies.

[Bosguy]

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

 

I used to look forward to Fridays as the last work day of the week. Now I look forward to your sharing of humor which puts last week's happenings in perspective and gets me ready for next weeks challenges. Plus I laugh so hard, my puppy thinks I've lost my mind (did that a long time ago)

 

Boston Bill

[+ Oliver]

On behalf of jackhammer:

 

As surrogate for jackhammer, I submit:

 

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him.

 

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

 

The Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

 

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

 

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

 

The Irishman says:

 

'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

[Lohengrin1979]

As surrogate for jackhammer, I submit:

 

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him.

 

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

 

The Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

 

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

 

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

 

The Irishman says:

 

'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

 

Absolutely brilliant! Thank you for this.

[Bosguy]

As surrogate for jackhammer, I submit:

 

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him.

 

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

 

The Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

 

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

 

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

 

The Irishman says:

 

'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

 

Thanks Oliver!!!!

 

Almost accurate except a True Irishman wouldn't have fainted--he would have had a Guinness and turned around. A Boston Irishman would have added "You can paak that wherevaa you want"

 

Boston Bill

[justaguy]

Oliver, thanks for the chuckle. Bosguy, you give new meaning to stout.

[jackhammer91406]

Having a bad day?

 

First my sincere thanks to my friend Oliver for taking care of posting duties last week...

 

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.

 

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba

tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

 

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

 

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

 

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

___________________________________________

 

Still think you're having a bad day?

 

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

 

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

 

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

 

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

 

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she

once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

 

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

______________________________________________

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

 

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

_____________________________________________

Still think you are having a bad day?

 

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy

plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

_______________________________________________

STILL think you're having a bad day?

 

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

____________________________________________

 

What?! STILL having a bad day??

 

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

[justaguy]

Jack, thanks for these. I've never going to look at a toilet seat quite the same way. I know it's wrong because the poor man really had a rotten day, but that story is funny.

[jackhammer91406]

and so it goes......

 

Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER

 

Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.

45 Volumes. Excellent condition.

$750.00 or best offer.

 

Reason for sale:- No longer required.

Got married last weekend.

Wife knows everything.

 

********************************************************

Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

 

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

 

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

 

*************************************************************

 

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

 

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

 

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

 

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

 

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

"The funeral director," said his wife.

 

*************************************************

 

[Guest countryboywny]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

 

'What majestic trees!'

 

'What powerful rivers!'

 

'What beautiful animals!'

 

He said to himself.

 

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

 

He turned to look.� He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.�

 

�

 

He ran as fast as he could up the path.� He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

 

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

 

He tripped & fell on the ground.

 

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.�

 

�

 

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:�

 

'Oh my God!'

 

Time stopped.

 

The bear froze.

 

The forest was silent.

 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

 

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'�

 

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

 

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

 

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

 

'Very well', said the voice.

 

The light went out.� The sounds of the forest resumed.� And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & prayed...........

 

�

 

 

 

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

[jackhammer91406]

It's lawyers today.....

 

Thanks to countryboywny for his input today. Now we know that bears pray in the woods (among other things).

 

Today we're going to poke fun at lawyers. I know, it's easy, but hey, after over a year I am running out of material.

 

Lawyer Jokes

 

 

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

 

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

 

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

 

*****************

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

 

************************

 

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

 

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

 

"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

 

"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

 

"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

 

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

[Guest countryboywny]

I know it's Saturday, but I thought this was cute:

 

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins seen on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Well, wonder no more!

 

 

 

It is a fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

 

 

 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle will dig holes in the ice, using their feet, wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

 

 

 

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

 

 

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

 

 

 

Then, they kick him in the ice hole."

[Guest countryboywny]

Thanks to countryboywny for his input today. Now we know that bears pray in the woods (among other things).

 

Today we're going to poke fun at lawyers. I know, it's easy, but hey, after over a year I am running out of material.

 

Lawyer Jokes

 

 

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

 

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

 

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

 

*****************

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

 

************************

 

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

 

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

 

"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

 

"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

 

"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

 

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"[/color][/size][/font]

 

Great ones, Jackhammer! I always say, "No one likes a lawyer.. until you need one!"

[seeker630]

Thanks for the morning chuckle, countryboy!

[Kevin Slater]

What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A rooster clucks defiance...

 

Kevin Slater

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A rooster clucks defiance...

 

Thanks for the chuckle Kevin - I had to read it out loud to get it.

[Kevin Slater]

What's the difference between a circus and the Rockettes? One is a cunning array of stunts...

 

Kevin Slater

[Bosguy]

What's the difference between a circus and the Rockettes? One is a cunning array of stunts...

 

Kevin Slater

 

Kevin,

 

I have to take you to see the Rockettes on my next trip to NYC. My daughter auditioned for the Rockettes and , fortunately, was not chosen. I have to tell her this. She'll howl. Besides, if I go to the city to spend time with you, it certainly would not be at Radio City.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

 

Boston Bill

[+ Oliver]

...Lawyer Jokes ...

 

Hmmmph! So much for being your surrogate.