jackhammer91406 Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 throw Poppy from the train.... Now wait just a minute. There are three things I want to say about this: 1) I thought you were retired. 2) You know I love you 3) I forgot the third one..oooops Edit addition...Oh, after a few minutes I remember the 3rd one. I noticed your post was made after the game today. Sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 Heat Took some heat for going after lawyers last week, so let's see if I can piss off some others..... Philosophers Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first job? Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?" ****************** Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?" ************* Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher? Answer: An offer you can't understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 A thought for the day: Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a bunch of assholes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 One drink too many....... A guy decided to take off early from work and go drinking. He stayed until the bar closed at three in the morning, by which time he was extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returned home on foot. When he entered his house, he didn't want to wake anyone, so he took off his shoes and started tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he fell over backwards and landed flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back pretty badly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was all cut up . He got out some Band-aids and repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and then fell into bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-aids stuck to the mirror." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leigh.bess.toad Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I LOVE MY JOB!!!! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Now, read his letter below... Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
instudiocity Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I laughed, I cried, I share! http://damnyouautocorrect.com/13608/top-50-funniest-autocorrects-of-dyacs-first-year-part-1/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! > > > > > Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? > > > A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder . ' > > > > Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? > > > A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. > > > > Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? > > > A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when > > they go, > > > they take your house and car with them. > > > > Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? > > > A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch... > > > > BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS > > > > Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment? > > > A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his > > nose . > > > Nominated as the world's best short > > joke > A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. > > 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' > > > 'Not yet,' she replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dane michaels Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 ISC, thanks for this link.. I am in tears!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leigh.bess.toad Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I laughed, I cried, I share! http://damnyouautocorrect.com/13608/top-50-funniest-autocorrects-of-dyacs-first-year-part-1/ Thanks ISC. Those are great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leigh.bess.toad Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 This is what a sense of humor looks like http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvldl9ZYA61r2sbmqo1_400.jpg This is what sad looks like http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvldmi99qR1r2sbmqo1_400.jpg This is what sorry looks like http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvldniPuN21r2sbmqo1_400.jpg This is what bad spelling looks like http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvldobJsSA1r2sbmqo1_400.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leigh.bess.toad Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Can we have some privacy, please???? http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvldpwefKF1r2sbmqo1_400.jpg Bad Judgment http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvldr1aSEh1r2sbmqo1_400.jpg I think I can hold it http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvlds591cv1r2sbmqo1_400.jpg Pile Up http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvldti5Ru71r2sbmqo1_400.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leigh.bess.toad Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Forget Something???? http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvlduncRQq1r2sbmqo1_400.jpg Truth in Advertising http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvldvtZFEx1r2sbmqo1_400.jpg What do you put in YOUR cereal??? http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvldwxtpth1r2sbmqo1_250.jpg I can explain http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvldycGQlL1r2sbmqo1_400.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leigh.bess.toad Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 The Ass family http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvle0aZG661r2sbmqo1_400.jpg Boy Genius http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvle13kIFO1r2sbmqo1_400.jpg A good reason to wear pajamas to bed http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvle240q8t1r2sbmqo1_250.jpg Proof Positive of Global Warming http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvle33N9BX1r2sbmqo1_400.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ deej Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I laughed, I cried, I share! http://damnyouautocorrect.com/13608/top-50-funniest-autocorrects-of-dyacs-first-year-part-1/ The ultimate Siri-assisted argument: http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6648229/siri-argument Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Slater Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Hehe. Nothing like sending a text saying you're teaching the dog to felch. Kevin Slater Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 The Siri assisted argument made me laugh. I might have laughed til I cried if I thought about how hard it is to figure out how to get the Bluetooth on my new phone(hate this sprint phone) to pair up with the hands free system in my car. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ Oliver Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Wailing Wall Once again acting as surrogate for jackhammer - Wailing Wall A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square. In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For about 50 years." "What do you pray for?" "For peace between the Jews and the Arabs, for all the hatred to stop, for all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship," the old man replied. "How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leigh.bess.toad Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 That's great Oliver. Thanks for filling in for Jackhammer. Hopefully he is well. As are you. And your little dog too. My best to Shadow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ Oliver Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 ... for Jackhammer. Hopefully he is well ... My best to Shadow. He's doing well, just out of town for the weekend. Shadow says "ARF". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ deej Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 World Travel A public service notice from an old friend: I have done a lot of travel in my long life, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! But with all that travel, there is one place I don't ever want to go. I never want to be in Continent. Old Pal Elaine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 a surrogate's help My thanks to Oliver for posting this week for me in my absence. Went to see my nephew get married and was nowhere near a computer. Also thanks to the other posters who have added to this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 My Prayer for 2012: Dear Lord, Please let 2012 bring me a thin body and a fat wallet. Please don't mix them up like you did last year. Amen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seeker630 Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 My Prayer for 2012: Dear Lord, Please let 2012 bring me a thin body and a fat wallet. Please don't mix them up like you did last year. Amen Me too, please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted December 16, 2011 Author Share Posted December 16, 2011 Finally...Now it can be told..... Tis the season.... Many have asked, “What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?” One year Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. Exhausted, he decided to get a few hours sleep. He told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30. At 6:00am the following morning Santa Claus awoke realizing he had overslept. He jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT waking him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!! As Santa ran out to his sleigh his mood got even worse when he saw that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!! About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Since he wasn’t his jolly old self Santa tried to ignore the angel. But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?" And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ deej Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 I was just about to post exactly the same joke. LOL Except in my version the angel asks "Santa, where should I put this Christmas tree?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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